Honestly, this break has been fine. Better than fine! We’ve had a nice balance of time together, time with extended family, time with friends, and time by ourselves. There have been no crises (I was remembering my friend’s mental health crisis that dominated last year’s winter break – I’m so glad I’m not dealing with anything like that this year). No one is sick. It’s been a good couple of weeks. And yet I feel like I’m swimming in anxiety, that I’m not getting any rest. I’m trying to figure out why I’m struggling so much, but I can’t quite figure it out.
There is definitely my house, which needs more work. A lot more work. It’s easy to think mid-February is a ways a way, but I know it will be here before I’m ready for it. And while I’d love to feel less stress about getting it ready, I also know that I need that stress to spur me to actually do the work. If I weren’t stressed I wouldn’t engage with, what is for me, the very unpleasant exercise of going through years of junk and making the hard decisions about what to keep and what to toss, and then how to organize what is left. These are not my strengths and the only way I’m going to engage in work like this is if doing so alleviates an even more unpleasant feeling – the stress of knowing it still needs to be done.
I think work is also causing me stress. Whenever I consider thinking about it, or getting started on it, I stop, telling myself I can get what I need to done on Monday, our professional development day. This year has definitely been challenging and while I complained a fair amount about the prep time my student teacher was using, I also recognize how helpful she was in my classes, especially in the multilevel class and with my newcomers in the period after that. It’s going to be really hard to serve all my students’ needs without her in my classroom.
I think I need to find a way to just not care so much about work in general. I had to wake up today, on my break, at 7am to go to jury duty because the idea of spending a week of work not knowing if I’d have to take one or more sub days felt more stressful than burning a day or two of my break doing something I absolutely hate. And now I missing out on taking my niece and nephew to the Discovery Museum, because today was the day we were going to go. But it’s hard not to care about my job and still do all the hard work required for it. And it’s especially hard to give myself permission to not be at work when there are no subs. A colleague was out earlier this month for two days of jury duty and we all had to cover for him. I hate doing that for other people and I hate asking other people to do it for me.
And…
I wrote all that this morning and not long after I was excused from jury duty. I didn’t even get called into the courtroom! I was one of only 20 people who just randomly didn’t get called. I was so happy. When she said all our names and then told us we could go, I stood up with my hands in the air and whooped. I was so relieved.
And just like that my anxiety evaporated. I guess all this break I’ve been stressed about jury duty, and not knowing if or when I’d be called and then if I’d be able to get out of it. I just hate that kind of uncertainty, the idea that something could come in and hijack my life without me having any say.
Obviously I need to work on accepting uncertainty. Because even when there isn’t something like jury duty threatening to pull the rug out from under me, it could always happen without any warning.
When I got home today I went for a run im the sun. Tomorrow I get to take my niece and nephew to the Discovery Museum (they moved around their plans so we could go). I’m feeling so much better about the last days of my break.
It’s nice to have that feeling of control, even if it just a mirage.
thought I wrote and told you how much I appreciate your showing up for jury duty and how happy I was that you got to go and be outdoors instead.
That you do an amazing job of teaching and that is absolutely a high stress job. I once had a doctor say teachers were the only workers outside the military that he routinely saw with battle fatigue. And the doctor was being factual and serious.
Homes with families are simple a great deal of work to deal with. Even without adhd present.
ANd then I wrote about the adhd house keeping book. did all that disappear? Most of it wasn’t news to me but it is presented well and is good advise. I recommend getting it from library; but where I am has a terrific library system and that may not be true for others.
THANK YOU FOR WRITING> I DO TRY TO WRITE BACK!
I am guessing your a planner at heart and that makes dealing with uncertainty very hard (because you have your plan and then also have to plan for all the what-ifs)… needless to say, I am glad you got excused from Jury Duty. That can throw such a wrench in your planning.
P.S. I just clicked and read the post about your friend’s mental health crisis. How devastating and scary. I have been in a situation like this and it something I don’t want to relive. The fear and worry for the person is real and there is nothing you can do and so very little help from the authorities/professionals. It’s super-scary. I sincerely hope your friend has made a recovery and is doing well. It’s such “luck of the draw” in this country. 🙁
Wow, you do much with your kids. I honestly am jealous. I do long trips with them during spring break and summer but not much like the weekend outings… I need to up my game. Or not. they are still little and don’t know the difference between going to a friend’s house vs going to a museum.