You’d think as an adult who has ADHD, who grew up with a parent who has ADHD, and also a teacher who has taught a great many children with ADHD, I would know how to parent my daughter with ADHD. But it’s not easy, and there is no one answer that works for all families. The reality is, I’m not always sure what is best for my daughter.
At this point my daughter does not have a diagnosis of ADHD, but I am sure she has it. I recognize her struggles from my own experiences with ADHD, and from my 14 years teaching. I have no doubt that she has it, but I haven’t sought a diagnosis because I didn’t feel she would benefit from one. Diagnoses are helpful when seeking medication, and/or a 504 (a specialized education plan that provides guidelines to accommodate for a medical conditions that effects learning). My daughter is a smart kid, and so far she has achieved every grade level milestone despite the challenges her condition causes. Her school also hasn’t used an disciplinary measures (like missing recess if work is not completed within a certain amount of time) that would require a 504 to circumvent. I also haven’t been interested in trying a medication. Yet.
I had ADHD, but I was not diagnosed as a child. I’m not sure if the disorder was widely recognized in the late 80’s, when I was making my way through the middle and upper elementary grades. I was a smart kid, who wanted very much to fit in and be like. I craved the positive attention of my teachers, and learning came relatively easy to me, so I developed strategies to manage the negative consequences of my symptoms, and did well in school.
{I’m sure having a mother who was also a teacher, helped – I definitely remember her making sure I got my homework done and helping me develop organizational systems that worked for me. I also remember her taking me to school on the weekends when I forgot my math workbook or something else I needed to turn in.}
So yeah, I did well enough in school, but I also internalized the message, which was communicated subtly and in myriad ways, that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and that I needed to do everything possible to do better, to make up for this fault at at the foundation of my being.
So I did pretty good in school, despite my ADHD. I even liked school, and I felt successful there. Still, I wonder what my experience would have been if I’d not had this disorder working against me. What might I have accomplished if so much energy weren’t being used to sit still, pay attention, and keep myself organized. (Or how many hours I would have spent doing productive things if I weren’t looking for all the hundreds of thousands of things, important and less so, that I lost.)
What might I have accomplished? And might I have avoided that feeling, which has followed me into adulthood, that something is fundamentally wrong with me?
Those questions about what my own life would have been like, are at the forefront of my mind now as I meditate on the next steps to take with my daughter. This year she will be in third grade. This is the grade where academics take a big leap, and she will be asked to read and write more, both in the classroom and at home. Right now reading and writing are still a real challenges for her (at least reading books she hasn’t chosen is routinely met with defiance). She hates to write, and many of her writing assignments had to come home last year (and the year before) so she could finish them with significantly more time than was allowed in the classroom (and a lot of re-direction from me). I also wrote out her homework answers the night before to provide scaffolding for her independent homework time at aftercare (she traced over the answers). Even with those supports (and others including noise cancelling headphones, a wobble disk for her chair, and chew necklaces) she was often still in the homework room working when the other kids at aftercare were outside in the playground.
My daughter is a smart kid, and I’m sure she could get by without medication, just like I did. But I also see her struggling, and I know that so many things are such a challenge for her, and that they don’t have to be. We are still managing a lot of big emotions at home, and I know it’s just as exhausting for her as it is for us. What if a medication makes a positive difference?
There is such a stigma against taking medications for mental health disorders in our culture, even someone like me who takes one of these medications and knows that it helps is unsure what to do. If, with help, she is meeting the standards, do we continue without medication? Or, with the goal of easing her burden, and giving her a better chance of meeting her full potential, do we try something and see how it goes?
I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ll be spending a lot of time this year reading up on the topic. If you have any resources or experiences to share, please send them my way. I’d really appreciate it. If you’d rather not share in the comment section, please email me at noemikjames@gmail.com.
