Life

Necessary Software Updates

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

After a valiant effort to keep my head above water this past week, I can feel myself slipping. I have to get serious now about actively keeping myself out of a depressive state.

I go there so easily. It’s my mind’s default setting. I have had to rig up some intense software to run a relatively content mood on the bullshit hardware that is my brain. I have to run my exercise program, or everything else goes to shit. I have to reboot my stay-focused-on-what-you-can-control mindset at least every hour. And I’m force quitting my, “everything’s horrible and hopeless, this is literally the end” self-talk constantly. I’ve even reinstalled my 15-minute-day-meditation commitment, because I know I need to up my self-care software game.

I’ve been quite impressed by the “recognizing and staving off panic attacks” update that was evidently part of my latest operating system upgrade. I guess I have learned something in the past ten years.

But even as I remain vigilant about self-care, and engage in the behaviors I know can help me stay out of a serious depression, I can feel myself slipping. The reality is just so awful, I can’t get out from under the weight of it.

I know part of the problem is keeping abreast of the latest news. The more I read about Pence and Bannon and what hateful excuses for human beings they are, the deeper I sink. The more I hear about the police state that will have to be created to deport 2-3 million undocumented immigrants, the harder I cry. It’s all bad. Every single piece of it.

Part of me thinks I should take a play out of my husband’s book and stick my head in the sand. Maybe in a few weeks I will be in a more stable place and can process this all without spiraling downward.

But then I argue that I have to stay informed. Ignorance never helped anybody.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve contemplated instituting a one-article a day rule. Or maybe even subscribing to The Week again, so I will get the most important information in compact articles delivered on Frirday. Would that be a good compromise?

Maybe I can write myself some new software, to process all these hopeless feelings of despair, without falling into a serious depression.

I’m not really sure how to do it. I suppose it’s something we’re all figuring out right now. I’m just worried that if I don’t figure it out soon, I’ll end up slipping so far into that pit of depression and despair that I’ll wake up one day to the black crash-screen of death, and that no software update will be able to reboot me.

Parenting & Family

Nightmares

Posted on by noemikjames / 19 Comments

My daughter has nightmares. A lot. Most nights she wakes up at least once. Some nights she wakes up two or three times.

It’s not enough for us to go into her room and assure her everything is alright. She wants someone to climb into bed with her, and preferably stay there until she falls back asleep (which can take up to an hour).

What she really wants is to sleep with us.

I don’t want to sleep alone! You and daddy get to sleep together! Why do I have to sleep by myself?

It’s a fair question.

We have never been a co-sleeping family. I move around a lot in my sleep and was always scared I would hurt my kids (or worse) when they were babies (I almost broke my husband’s nose when we were dating, and I did break my grandmother’s favorite antique lamp when I was in high school). If I did bring them into bed when they were infants, hoping to sleep some more precious shut eye, I would sleep only fitfully, never comfortable enough to fall into a deep sleep with them next to me.

Now we have a queen sized bed and the truth is our daughter wouldn’t fit between us. She’s a tall girl and many mornings I find her sleeping upside down in her own bed. To say she’s a fitful sleeper would be an understatement.

Also, my husband snores. Loudly.

When we do share a bed on trips I sleep horribly. She wakes me up constantly with a hand in the face or a foot in the back. It also takes her hours to fall asleep, which means there is no sneaking away when she finally passes out–by then it’s my bedtime too! Sleeping with her makes me crazy.

And yet, I wonder every day, if I’m doing her some horrible, irreparable damage by forcing her to stay in her own bed.

Two weekends ago, after a particularly rough string of nights, I convinced my husband to sleep in my daughter’s room so that our daughter could sleep with me. She was jubilant. And she slept straight through the night, without one wake up.

It was her suggestion to institute a “week off orange or red earns you a night in mommy’s bed.” Last week wasn’t a great week for her, but so far this week she’s on track. I hope she earns the treat for next week.

I worry a lot about my daughter. Why does she have nightmare’s every night? Are her bad dreams a manifestation of some emotional trauma? Is she just really sensitive and easily scared? Does she just really, really want to sleep with me? Is my refusal to allow her in my bed every night being processed as some kind of inherent rejection?

I’ll never know the answers, at least not until it’s too late.

At the end of the day, I’m just tired. And need a good night’s sleep. Is that too much to ask?

Life/Parenting & Family

There’s Alway’s Something

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

I remember back when I tracked my time for a week thinking, well it’s interesting to see how much time I spend on everything, but this isn’t really a normal week. But you know what? No week is a normal week. There is always something.

This week was supposed to be a normal week. I have a PTA meeting on Thursday, but the reality is I have a staff meeting on the two weeks that I don’t have PTA meetings, and vice versa. There is always a meeting. Every week.

But this week was supposed to be normal. And then my son threw up Sunday night, and then again this morning, so he’ll be home at least until Thursday. And when I picked up my daughter from after care there was a flier announcing their Thanksgiving dinner, ON WEDNESDAY, oh, and could we please bring a dish to share? {Thanks for the 48 hours notice–grumble, grumble.}

Also, my daughter announced her head was itching, and I had noticed her itching her head myself, so last night I pulled her hair. Luckily no lice were found. (Interestingly, I had a friend pull my hair last week because my head was itching. I also came up clean. I guess we both need some more coconut oil treatments.)

It’s also parent/teacher conference week at my daughter’s school, so I need to leave work early one day for that.

I suppose there really is no “normal week.” With two kids, there is always something.

Life/Work/Teaching

The Thing About Teaching

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I’m drowning in paperwork right now. The end of the trimester is Friday and I’m really hoping not to spend most of my Thanksgiving break grading papers. I already have to spend an entire day at work next week cleaning my room.

One of the biggest challenges of being a teacher is that you have to be good at so many things. Organization is one of my biggest weaknesses as a teacher. My lack of organization affects my classroom management, my ability to stay on top of scoring work and inputting grades, staying on top of the many meetings and requests for IEP/504 input, and processing emails in a timely manner.

I am good at lots of things that are important to teaching, but right now all I can see is the stuff I suck at. This year’s schedule definitely exacerbates my weaknesses. I know that. I frequently don’t have what I need at the class at the other school. Having 250+ students make staying on top of grading a herculean task.

I know I’m just feeling down for a lot of really important and valid reasons right now. And I knew this was going to be a shitty year at work. I’m just feeling buried under the weight of it all.

Connection/Writing

Finger Tied

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

If there is one thing I’ve learned about myself in these many years of writing, it’s that the words do not come easily to me in times of crisis. I want to write something. I feel like I should, I MUST, write something and yet the words don’t come. My hands sit on the keyboard, lifeless.

Fellow bloggers are writing such important posts. If you haven’t been reading Mrs. T at A+ for Effort or Elizabeth at A New Version of Me, I highly recommend you head over there. They are both doing an incredible job of articulating all this hard shit eloquently and with empathy. Your time is much better spent on those blogs right now.

As for me, I’m totally tongue tied. I just can’t find the words. Even in text conversations, or face to face with my husband and friends, I’m not relating anything of substance. A part of me is disappointed in myself, but I also know this is my par for the course.

Maybe some day I’ll do this better.

Life

These made me smile

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I am meeting a friend from my old neighborhood this morning. Walking through the dog park where I spent so many hours with my daughter in the first two years of her life, I saw these. They made me smile.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

And my personal favorite:

Life

Struggling

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I’m struggling to find the words right now. I’m not even attempting my morning pages.

I’ve been sick since Wednesday. And not just sick of spirit. I actually woke up on Wednesday physically ill–with the worst cold I’ve had in a long while. Right now I’m just trying to get through the days. Putting one foot in front of another.

My tentative plan is to get my house in order. Figure my own shit out so I can be of service for others. I have a few plans in mind, but I’ll probably wait until the early months of Trump’s presidency to actually dedicate myself in the ways I’m thinking. Hopefully by then I’ll have a better idea of where my efforts will be most needed.

In the meantime, I’m focusing on home. I know I can’t give of myself if I don’t have anything to give. Now there is even more reason to streamline my efforts so I have more of myself to give to others.

Uncategorized

Angry

Posted on by noemikjames / 8 Comments

I’m cycling through the phases of grief. Today I spent a lot of time in anger.

I’m angry at the people who voted for a hateful bigot who believes I am worth nothing more than the number he’d use to rate my appearance.

I’m angry that all the news outlets need to treat that racist, misogynistic monster with kids gloves now that he’s the president-elect. That he basically gets a free pass on all the horrible things he said and all the hate he spread.

I’m angry that I’m being implored to have empathy and understanding for the close-minded people who did this, when it’s clear they have no empathy and understanding for people who are different from them.

I’m angry that I will have to be the bigger person, because it’s clear that the people who support Trump are not capable of being the bigger person themselves.

I’m angry. And right now I’m not interested in bridging the divide. I’m not interested in empathy and understanding. I’m not interested in feeling for the white man who feels marginalized by the reality of 21st century America, who is scared of globalization and rapid technological change, who just wants his good old, white, hetero normative privilege back (though he won’t admit to enjoying such privilege).

Right now I’m angry.

And I’m not going to make myself feel anything else. At least not yet.

Uncategorized

The saddest part is…

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

…nobody won last night, least of all the people who voted for Trump.

That’s the saddest thing.

I haven’t processed my thoughts well enough to write a post worth your time, so I’ll just share this piece on Jezebel, which brought me to great heaving sobs tears.

Abiding with everyone right now, in this time of shock, fear, uncertainty and searing disappointment.

Life

I can’t look

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

This election has hurdled me into a tail spin of anxiety. To combat the horrible feelings of doom, I’ve done a lot of sticking my head in the sand. I know this isn’t the most socially responsible way to handle something as important as a presidential election, but this year it was all I could manage.

election-cat

This is pretty much how I feel about today. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow, when it’s all over.