Parenting & Family

End of an era

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

When my daughter turned one, a family friend gave me a year-long membership to the Discovery Museum, a hands-on play space geared towards kids under 5. I spent a lot of time there with my daughter when she was younger. Even when going meant being painfully reminded of our secondary infertility (I swear, every woman there is pregnant and chasing a not-yet-two-year-old), I still went because it was a great way to kill a weekend morning with my little one.

I haven’t taken my son nearly as much, because we live farther away now, and it’s not a great place to bring kids that aren’t so close in age. By the time my son was old enough to enjoy the tot room, my 4.5 year old daughter was too tall to get in, and all the rooms she could go in weren’t quite appropriate for her brother. By the time he was old enough to go into the rooms she liked, we kind of forgot about the place altogether.

This weekend I took my son for the first time in over a year, because their Daniel Tiger exhibit was closing, and even though my son no longer watches Daniel Tiger much, I knew he’d love to “meet” him. I invited my daughter as well, even though she is technically too old to go into the Daniel Tiger part, but she didn’t want to go, so I ended up just taking my youngest.

It had been so long since we last visited the Discovery Museum that my son couldn’t remember it at all. The morning before we went, I pulled out some of his sister’s photo books to find some pictures of her playing in the tot room. Flipping through those books, I was struck by how different her childhood was than his has been, how fixated on her we were, how everything revolved around her, and us being her parents. We saw so many friends who had kids her age, I made a point of going places with her and doing fun things. I know part of this was because I was desperate just to pass the time with a toddler, but part of it was also because I was completely wrapped up in what it meant to be her mother.

I have of course, not made my son any pictures books. I stopped at 2 years for my daughter so I only have to make him two for things to be equal, but still, it’s probably never going to happen. Besides, I don’t know if I could make him a book that is just about him, and not about our family, because he just hasn’t had that same kind of baby- and toddler-hood as his sister got, where everything revolved around him. His sister is in at least half of the shots of him, if not more.

Hanging out in the Discovery Museum this weekend, after flipping through my daughter’s photo books, brought back a lot of memories. I was struck by how long ago my days there seemed, and how different my life was. All the kids there are so small, most of them in diapers. My almost 4-year-old towered over them (mostly because he’s as tall as a 5-year-old, but also because there are way more 1- and 2-year-olds there). I realized as my son darted around the different rooms, that my 7-year-old would be bored. I tried to get her to come, mostly so my husband could get a break after covering me while I went to work all day Sunday, but also because I thought she’d have fun. My son is now too tall for the tot-room and I was sure we could sneak her into the Daniel Tiger exhibit for the ten minutes my son was interested, but once we got there I realized it was good she didn’t come, because everything there would have been deemed “for babies.”

And that’s because it is. It’s a place for babies and toddlers. And I don’t have a baby or toddler anymore. My kids are getting bigger, and aging out of former staples like the Discovery Museum. That is hard for me to wrap my head around.

When I think back on my daughter’s infancy and toddler-hood the most salient aspect of that time is the long hours, and how desperate I felt to fill them. I was always spending money on toys that might engage and entertain my daughter, always taking her places so that eventually we could come home, instead of feeling stuck there all day. I was always trying to do things, and every day felt like a eternity.

My life doesn’t feel like that anymore. My daughter can listen to an audiobook or actually read a book herself, for a decent amount of time. Even my son can play with his cars for 10 minutes without needing a companion. Sometimes (shock! gasp!) they even play together! We go places now because it’s expected of us, or because it actually sounds like a fun thing to do. My kids have friends they actually want to hang out with. They are two people with their own ideas and opinions. The days no longer feel like eternities (well, sometimes they can).

I don’t know the point of this post, I guess today I was just reminded of how long ago early motherhood happened, and how much I’ve grown and changed since then. Parenthood is changing, and mostly I’m thrilled with how it is different. But today I was thrust back into that time, when everything was new and I couldn’t separate any part of myself from the new, all-encompassing identity of mother. Those years were so intense, and when I was in the thick of it, it seemed like they would never end. But they did, without me even realizing it. I appreciate the opportunity today to acknowledge that, and reflect a little on how far I’ve come. To realize I’ll probably never go to the Discovery Museum again, and that is okay. I look forward to all the new places me and my kids will discover, together.

Life

Breaking Records

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

Yesterday was the hottest day in San Francisco’s history, or at least in the 143 years they have been recording the temperature. It reached 108* in some parts of the city. It was only a few degrees warmer on the peninsula, which is usually a lot hotter than up here.

This morning it’s already 90* at only 9:30am. Looking at weather.underground, the temps in Oakland (the East Bay) and Concord (inland East Bay) are almost 10 degrees cooler. Usually they have much higher temps than San Francisco. This weather pattern is so, so weird.

A 100 degree day is hot anywhere, but you have to remember than in SF, almost no one has air conditioning. Most people don’t even have fans, at least not very good ones. We don’t usually need them! In SF we open a window to enjoy a cool breeze, we don’t have to create one with electricity. For us, 90* is an insanely hot day in the middle of a record heat wave, 108* is totally unheard of.

Right now my house feels like an oven and it’s only going to get worse. We have a birthday party at someone’s house (UGH!) and then we’ll just be hunkering down and trying to stay hydrated. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be in the 80’s, but today was supposed to cap out at 90 and it’s already reached that so I don’t have a lot of hope that tomorrow will be much cooler.

I know this is not a big deal when compared to the historic flooding in Texas. It’s just so disconcerting to see these extreme weather patterns all over the country: polar vortexes, 500-year floods, historic highs. Hard not to feel like we’re headed toward Armageddon.

 

Life/Work/Teaching

Where I’m at

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

So, we’re a week and a half into the new school year and I am still getting my ass handed to me every day at work. If it doesn’t get better, or I guess if I don’t get better at this, it will absolutely be my worst year of teaching ever. And there have been some bad years.

Every day I am racing from one place to the next. Every evening I get home and it feels like I’ve run a marathon. My house is a shit show. My car is even worse. I have to work every evening until after midnight to be even a little bit ready for the next day, and even then I’m not ready enough. My life absolutely feels untenable right now.

And it’s supposed to be 104 tomorrow. Did I mention none of my classrooms have air conditioning?

I am so looking forward to a three day weekend, so I can spend one full day at work hoping to get in front of the next four days. There is no winging it when you have to load everything you need into a wagon and haul it to every class.

Part of the problem is our schedule has changed. We only have 34 minutes, from bell to bell, for lunch! By the time I’ve packed up one classroom and stored my stuff in the science hall, there are only 25 minutes to eat, and I need five of those minutes to pee! How am I supposed to make that work?! I also get out a full 45 minutes later than I used to, which means the traffic is a lot worse, and I’m not getting my kids most days until 5:30pm. Part of the reason I wanted to be a teacher is so I could pick up my kids early! Of course it doesn’t work out that way. I didn’t think those 45 minutes would make such a huge difference, but they do.

I’ve cried every day since school started, some days multiple times. It’s been a really rough start.

Every one tells me I’ll get the hang of it, and find a rhythm. Maybe that’s true, but if I do, it will have to be at a fast tempo because there is just no other way to make it work. At this point I just hope I’ll stop leaving important shit in every classroom, so I can stop sending kids to interrupt other teachers while they get my stuff.

I wanted to wait until I had better news to share here, until I could come to this space and say: It was so hard but it got better. It might be months before I’m ready to say that, so here it is. This is where I’m at right now, and it’s not pretty.

But I also know it’s a first world problem, to be potentially miserable at a decent paying job. I know people are losing everything in Texas right now, some are losing their lives. I know people are mired in deep, inconsolable grief. I know this. Writing this post is a petty thing, but right now it’s all I got.

Hopefully things will get better.

 

Uncategorized

Rising Tides

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

When we were in San Diego we went to the beach one afternoon after my son’s nap. We didn’t get there until 4pm, but we figured we’d have a good hour or two to play before it got too cold. 

This beach is on a bay so there are no waves, and you look out on sail boats bobbing at their anchors, against the backdrop of a Air Force base complete with F-16s. It’s a nice spot if you have kids who are intimidated by the unrelenting waves of the Pacific. 

While we were at the beach that afternoon the tide started to come in. Because of the shape of the sand bars and the nature of its location in the bay, the water collected in some areas before breaking into another miniature valley and rushing to fill it. 

I found the rising water fascinating. You couldn’t see anything change when you looked at the bay, but on the beach, as the water pushed into every available space, there was no denying the encroachment. The geography of the beach was changing right in front of our eyes.

My school year started in earnest this Wednesday, but really it felt like it started on Monday, when I dropped my daughter off at her first day of second grade and then struggle to make it to a staff meeting on time. Since then every morning has been a series of angry out bursts and complaints from the kids as we try to shepherd them through their morning routing as gently and efficiently as possible, followed by a whirlwind of meetings and emails and attempts to prepare myself for a new year without a classroom, and teaching in a totally different way. 

Throw in a doctor’s appointment, Back-to-School Night presentations, a PTA board meeting and the aftercare start of the year meeting and it’s been a super intense week. 

September and October’s calendars don’t promise much respite. I spend about 10 minutes every day talking myself off that beach, where I feel the water rising all around me, and know I’m totally helpless to stop it. What if the current carried me away?

I know the start of the school year is always stressful, as the mother of a sensitive student and a teacher myself, but this feels like a whole other level of intense. I keep telling myself to take it one hour at a time, but each one of those hours can feel like an eternity. Changing rooms is so hard for me, I’m constantly forgetting important materials I need. Picking up both kids at 5pm is so exhausting when all I want to do is get home. Fighting with my daughter over new homework she can’t remember how to execute is incredibly frustrating. Watching a friend change schools and knowing I won’t have her mom’s help on PTA this year is panic-inducing. There is just so much, I already feel like I’m drowning. 

I know I just need to breathe. I know it will get better. But man, this week has been so rough. 

I hope the tide goes out soon. 

Life/Parenting & Family

The Return of the Routine

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Last night I laid out my kids clothes, and packed the non-perishables for a week of my daughter’s lunches. I gave them both a little melatonin so they would fall asleep at a decent hour despite sleeping in that morning (daughter) and a late nap (son). Then I set my own alarm and went to sleep.

Today my daughter starts 2nd grade, and my son starts what I hope will be his final year of daycare (we’ll be entering the transitional kindergarten lottery in the fall). I will be standing in front of my new students this Wednesday. Another school year begins.

This is my 37th year on this earth and my 14th year teaching. I have high hopes for this year, in my personal and professional lives. Sure the world is on fire (and I never know what to write about that) but I still want to make positive changes for me and my family.

The nature of my job really brings into sharp focus the passage of time. At the beginning of every school year it feels like the following summer will never come, and yet, every year, it does. The years pass whether we mark their passing or let them slip by. Now, with kids, I am even more acutely aware of that. Someday I will be looking back on this time in my life with some mixture of appreciation and regret. This year I will try hard to ensure there is more of the former.

 

Life/Marriage/Parenting & Family

External Reflections

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I’ve been buying a lot of shit lately, and my house looks like a hurricane hit it.

I’ve been me long enough to know that I’m buying things in the attempt to exert some control over my life, and that the chaos of my house is an external manifestation of the overwhelm I feel inside. I know all of that, but it doesn’t help me to make it better.

I KNOW that if I clean my house it will help me feel more in control inside. I know it will do that because I will be forced to make decisions when I clean up that will reinforce my values and help me better define my priorities. I get it. But inside I’m such a mess that the thought of cleaning and organizing is literally paralyzing. I. just. can’t. do. it.

I wonder if it’s my ADD, rearing it’s ugly head. I’m sure that’s part of it. The medicine I take to help me manage my ADD symptoms finally lost its patent and in June I received my first bottle of the generic substitute. I immediately noticed a difference, but hoped the overall affect would be similar enough. And maybe it is. I’m not sure. The new medicine could be having an effect, but it could also be the stress in other areas of my life.

And their are plenty of stressful areas. School is starting and I don’t have a room. I’m also trying a whole new way of teaching that could be highly rewarding, but initially will make me feel vulnerable. I’m sure some people would argue that without my room I should stick with curriculum and teaching methods I know, but so much of my old system depended on materials and having space to store them so they were accessible. I just won’t have that to the same degree in five different teachers’ spaces. So I do think this new teaching method is ultimately a very good thing for me, it’s just stressful to think about changing everything up after so many years.

And of course there are my responsibilities as PTA president at my daughter’s school. I have such high hopes that the new admins will turn things around, but I can’t know what this year will bring. If it’s anything like last year we will probably have to leave, and the prospect of that makes me sad.

I’m also stressed for my daughter, who has backslid so significantly on a number of behavioral issues that I’m totally panicked about her well-being this year, and for the rest of her life, frankly. She reminds me so much of my sister, who struggles so much, and is never happy. It breaks my heart to watch my sister try to navigate her life, and the thought of my daughter following in her foot steps makes me blind with panic. And of course there is the guilt of knowing she gets all of it from me. Sometimes I think I had no business passing down my genetic makeup to my innocent, unsuspecting children. It isn’t fair to them.

Yes, I remind myself not to get ahead of life on the worry front. Yes, I tell myself that my daughter is a different person and is likely to have different outcomes in her own life. But she is an emotionally volatile child. Resilient cannot possibly be used to describe her and all you can read these days is articles about how resilience is the number one indicator of a person’s future happiness. How will she ever be truly content if even the smallest perceived transgressions send her into a rage and shame spiral? Her reactions to disappointment are so totally inappropriate for a 7-year-old, even her friends notice and avoid her when she can’t pull herself out of an obsession that is upsetting her. It’s heartbreaking to watch.

Parenting her this summer has put a ton of stress on my marriage. Most of the time we don’t have the energy at the end of the day to connect. I don’t want to imagine what the first month of school will be like.

And I know my own lack of resilience isn’t helping me manage any of this either. It also doesn’t help me manage my daughter. So yeah, it’s super fun in my head right now.

Ugh. It’s all I can do right now to keep writing this and not click over to Amazon. Shopping allows me to escape, especially when I’m getting things I think will help difficult situations, like a different pair of shoelaces for my daughter’s new shoes (learning to tie them is not going well).

Writing things out can be helpful, it can put things perspective and help me understand how I’m feeling and why. But that isn’t always the case. I guess sometimes we just have to get it out, and hope the healing happens over time. I’m sure things will be better once all the new stuff starts – the anticipation is always harder than reality, right? When you anticipate like I do, it is.

One week until my daughter starts school. Wish us luck.

Health & Well Being

Oh yeah, I’m going there

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I have always been sensitive to smells. Strong smells, even if they are supposed to be pleasant, bother me. I am always acutely aware of fragrances and odors – they can make or break an experience for me.

I am especially turned off by body odor. I absolutely loathe that particular smell. I find even my own BO totally offensive. I am so bothered when I smell my own BO, that I carry deodorant in pretty much every bag I own. I also keep some in my car and at my desk at work. There are few things I’ve bought out and about as much as a deodorant; if I realize I’ve left the house without it, and don’t have some on me, I pretty much have to buy a stick. If I don’t, I’ll keep checking under my arms to make sure I haven’t started smelling yet.

I don’t shower every day, but I wash under my arms in the mornings and at night. I have a nice bar of lemongrass soap that I use to chase the BO smell away. I really cannot stress enough how much I HATE the smell of my own BO. I am lucky I don’t live somewhere where it’s hot.

Yes, I am obsessed with wearing deodorant. I’m also kind of scared of it. My roommate from college has the kind of mother who scares the shit out of you with articles about how this and that thing you use every day is eventually going to kill you. She used to lay the deodorant articles on thick. Because of her I never touched an antiperspirant, and even tried some of those crystal deodorants that are supposed to be less bad for you. Unfortunately none of the natural stuff ever kept my body odor at bay, so I kept using Dove, which I liked well enough, even though there was always a linger odor at the end of the day (hence the twice daily under arm washings).

Needless to say, when my aunt casually mentioned that she is now using lemon instead of deodorant, I was very interested. She said it worked like a charm, WAY better than any deodorant ever had. I was intrigued. All she does is cut a lemon in quarters and rub one slice under her arms every day. I vowed to try it.

Except I kept forgetting to buy lemons. So one day when I was googling “lemons” for deodorant (I’ll admit, to see if anyone else could corroborate what felt to me like an insane claim), I fell down the rabbit hole of homemade deodorant recipes. As you know, I’ve become a HUGE fan of coconut oil, and use it for all sorts of hair and body care. I also really love tea tree oil, and have used that a lot as well. I know they both have antimicrobial properties, so I wasn’t surprised that most DIY deodorants used them both.

When I got home from San Diego, I decided to whip up my own DIY deodorant. I had all the ingredients already – it only called for baking soda (which I buy in bulk at Costco), cornstarch, coconut oil and tea tree oil. So I found one that seemed straight forward, followed the recipe, and the next morning, gave it a try.

I will say that putting it on (which I did with my fingertips) felt a little weird. It’s grainy, because of the baking soda, and the coconut oil never fully “dries” in the way I’m used to deodorant feeling, but after a few minutes I didn’t notice it anymore, and I really loved the tea tree oil smell whenever I gave my pits a sniff. (Yes, I sniff my pits.)

In fact, I kept sniffing my pits all day. At first they smelled like tea tree oil, later there was a lingering hint of coconut oil, but never did they smell like body odor. The first day I reapplied before I worked out, and not surprisingly, I never got a whiff of BO.

The second day I never reapplied, but I also never worked out. I did ride my bike up some gnarly hills with both kids though, and I definitely worked up a sweat when I did that. When I went to bed there was not even a hint of BO, and even the next morning I still smelled good! Well maybe not good, but very neutral – there was no body odor to speak of and usually there is. (I always smell bad after I wake up, I’m not sure why.)

Today I put it on again (after washing with the lemongrass bar – I couldn’t help myself, it’s part of my routine!), biked all over the city (with an unnecessary sweatshirt which definitely left me a little damp) and now I’m working out. I’m half way through my elliptical set, sweating like a pig, and still no body odor.

As you can imagine, I’m totally sold on this DIY deodorant. I’m thrilled to have something that will keep me odor free, without having to worry about how it’s maybe poisoning my body! The fear that my deodorant was doing something awful to me has been a niggling worry in the back of my brain since my friend’s mother planted the seeds all those years ago. I’m thrilled to be able to silence it!

AND NO MORE BO! I can’t tell you how much I love not worrying about body odor anymore. I will definitely carry a little pot of this with me in case I ever forget to put it on, otherwise I will trust it’s capabilities implicitly. It really does work great, and when I apply it with my fingers I don’t have to worry about streaking my shirts. (You can pour it in old deodorant containers–or buy new empty ones–and apply it like regular stick deodorant, but I think I’ll keep using my fingers because it’s easy and it doesn’t get on my clothes that way.

One thing to keep in mind is that coconut oil starts to liquefy around 72-75*, so if you keep your house hotter than that during the summer, you may need to keep it in the fridge. Here in SF that is never an issue, so I can keep mine in a seal-able glass pot in the bathroom.

Also, this is a DIY deodorant, not antiperspirant. I sweat easily, and a lot, but I’ve never used antiperspirant because I was afraid to deny my body that necessity. If you also want to stay dry, this is not for you.

If you are interested in trying this DIY deodorant at home, I followed this recipe from Beginner Beans, but there are tons of other recipes that come up when you search DIY deodorant. I may try some others at some point, but right now I’m loving my first pot. It’s truly amazing.

What deodorant do you love? Have you ever tried anything of the DIY variety?

Parenting & Family

One More Week

Posted on by noemikjames / 12 Comments

There is officially one week left of my summer. I can’t believe it. It feels like it started only yesterday.

I haven’t traveled like this during the summer in a LONG time. I think the length and nature of my trips made the summer fly by, but maybe any kind of traveling would seem to shorten the summer.

Parenting has thoroughly kicked my ass this summer. I feel like I spent the entire seven weeks yelling at my kids. It’s not what I want our summers to be like, but I’m not sure how to avoid it. Transitions are hard for them (especially my daughter – they are impossible for my daughter), so traveling and having to be places around a certain time is difficult, but they don’t play well together so staying at home just ends (or starts!) in them bickering and fighting. I don’t know what the answer is. Part of me is relieved the school year is about to begin. Maybe all of this will get better as they get older? My seven year old seemed to backslide intensely this summer, which suggests that might not be the case. I’m trying to be accepting of who they are and what they are capable of, but it’s hard.

San Diego did not make it easier. Of course the family we were with had calm, easy going kids who never so much as tried to negotiate with their parents, let alone openly defy them. And yes, I realize it’s harder when you’re away from home, but my kids were up in all of their shit, playing with their toys and using their art supplies and neither one ever had anything to say about it (at least not while we were around, which was pretty much always during the weekend). I also understand that their younger kid is five, but their older son is exactly our daughter’s age and he was happy to entertain himself writing and illustrating all the words he knows related to “electricity.” He even spelled “circuit” right. He never complained to his parents, let along hissed or scratched or yelled at them (all things my daughter did multiple times over the weekend).

At my best moments I found myself marveling over how rested and not stressed the parents seemed – it’s what I imagined parenthood would be like for me — at my darkest moments I found myself berating myself and my parenting, sure the fault lied with me and my own moments of anger and frustration (which are many).

By the end of the trip I was back at my baseline, which oscillates between acceptance and resignation. These are my kids, and this is my life. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at making choices that take into account who they are and what they can handle, but this summer reminded me that I still overestimate their capabilities much of the time. I need to think long and hard about what they, and I, can handle next year.

I won’t even go into the challenges my husband and I faced as we negotiated simultaneous parenting this past weekend, but I will mention that it was rough, especially at first.

Yesterday was nice. They both were sweeter, with each other and with me, than they had been in a long time. I needed that and was grateful.

Uncategorized

Sad

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

I reached out to my friends yesterday. Turns out they have been together since last Saturday. I had no idea it was a week long trip.

They sent me pictures (at my request). Everyone smiling and having a great time. Children sharing chairs. Adults sharing drinks. 

They all have this shared experience that I don’t have. They all know each other’s children and families, and they do not know mine. I do not know theirs. 

It makes me sad.