Marriage

My Marriage These Days

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

I’ve been meaning to write about my marriage these days, because it’s in a good place, and as you all know, that isn’t always the case.

The truth is, I’m not quite sure why my marriage is doing better these days. I can make some educated guesses, but I can’t be sure. The reality is a marriage is a relationship between two people, and how either one is feeling, what they are going through and how they handling things greatly affects the dynamic. When you add in two other, younger, human beings, who have their own issues, well the variables just keep multiplying.

But I have been giving this considerable thought, since I personally am in a really stressful situation at work, and as president of the PTA, which I would expect would put a strain on our marriage. Happily, this hasn’t been the case.

So a few things I have identified as helping our marriage lately.

~ I do think my email helped, for whatever reason. I’m certain I’ve sent very similar emails in the past that weren’t of much discernible consequence, but for some reason this one seemed to help him change his attitude toward his own responsibilities at home.

~ I also forwarded him some interesting articles I read about why women in happy marriages cheat (the women describe their marriages as happy, despite having affairs). I honestly started reading the first because I was confused by the title, assuming that “cheat” referred to acting dishonestly out in the world. Ha! Once I started reading it I was hooked, because I had always assumed people in happy marriages didn’t cheat, that an affair was a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not something that happened when a women felt mostly content. One of the articles mentioned that even if a woman was in love with her husband, and felt they were good friends, if she perceived an imbalance in household workload, the ensuing resentment could be enough to send her looking for an escape in another relationship, one where that resentful dynamic didn’t exist. Maybe my husband took that to heart?

~ Come to think of it, I generally send my husband EVERY article I read on gender inequality in marriages, on the “invisible” or “emotional” labor that women take on, and the consequences of its prolonged, unshared, weight. Maybe the are making an impact, slowly and subtly.

~ I think me actually applying, and interviewing, for jobs last year changed a dynamic that was creating friction in our marriage. This dynamic looked like me complaining about my job, but feeling stuck in it, and doing absolutely nothing to find something else, and my husband eventually refusing to engage me on the topic, since he felt it wasn’t fair for me to bitch about work when I clearly wasn’t serious about finding something different. The fact that I finally took steps to find another job helped my husband see that I was, in fact, seriously unhappy, and serious about finding something new. It dislodged an entrenched issue that was causing resentment on both sides, even though the final outcome looks exactly like it did before (I’m still at my job and it’s making me vaguely miserable). My husband respects that I put myself out there, and is empathetic that I am still stuck where I don’t want to be, despite attempting to make a change. Now when I do mention how hard work is, he responds in a very different, more supportive way, and I think what he says genuinely represents how he feels about it.

~ After an initial rough start (and a nightmarish summer), my daughter has been thriving this school year. She really loves her teacher (I am not a fan, but she likes him and that is what’s most important right now), and is handling the stress of homework and activities so much better than she has in the past. Needless to say, when we aren’t spending our emotional reserves managing our daughter, we have more for each other.

~ I actually started taking Magnesium, which I swear helps my daughter manage her moods and behavior so much (I actually stopped giving her magnesium over the summer–not sure why, I just forgot with all the travel?–and I truly believe that starting it again is part of why she’s doing so well right now (and that not having it this summer is part of why she struggled so much). I don’t know why I didn’t take magnesium myself, when I believed it was helping my daughter so much, especially when I know we are very similar people. But I did start and I swear I am calmer and my moods are more balanced. I am better able to handle the stress I’m under and I just feel more in control of my thoughts and feelings. Things at work, at with PTA, really are so stressful right now, but I’m not at nearly the place I have been in the past when things were not as challenging to manage. I really do believe it’s helping. Obviously when I’m happier, my marriage is happier.

~ My husband and I have a new nightly ritual that we really enjoy and gives us an opportunity to spend some quality time together and feel connected. Before bed we watch Desus & Mero (on Viceland) and then my husband shares with me all his favorite tweets from the day. It may sound silly, but both the show, and the tweets (which are mostly from comedians and other funny people because his Twitter feed is carefully curated to include only the users that make him laugh) help us process the insanity that is the world right now, and give us a more lighthearted way to engage in conversation about the shit that is going down. It also helps us remember that our similarly odd, quirky, senses of humor are what drew us to each other in the first place.

~ Things at work are good for my husband right now. Sure there is much he’d love to change, but generally he feels acknowledged and appreciated by his colleagues, and he is grateful to be doing work that is meaningful to him. When he is happy at work, he is happier at home.

So those are the things that I feel have helped us get to a better place. I’m sure there is stuff I am missing, and if I think of anything else I’ll mention it later. No matter what it is, I’m really happy in my marriage at the moment. My husband feels like my friend in a way that he hasn’t for a long time. He is actually out of town right now, and I was realizing before he left that I was really going to miss him. There have been times when he left and I felt relief that I wouldn’t have to negotiate a strained dynamic for a few days, and could just do things how I wanted without having to feel resentment for taking it all on. This time I just missed him being around at night; Desus & Mero isn’t the same when I’m watching it alone.

How is your marriage these days? What is helping and/or what is hurting you attempts to be happy with your spouse?

 

Uncategorized

An email

Posted on by noemikjames / 16 Comments

The book fair is over today. I can’t wait until it’s all packed up and I walk out of that room until spring.

Yesterday I had big plans to work out this morning, but in the end I was so tired I gave myself permission to get a good night’s sleep. I was passed out before 10pm, with my daughter asleep next to me-and besides one wake-up with my son, I didn’t get up until 6am. I really needed that.

I still wanted to post though, so I decided to put up an email I sent my husband a little while ago, when things between us were frustrating me. Since this email our marriage has been great. I don’t give the email all the credit, but I do think every time I send one of these, we inch closer to where I – and we, honestly – want our marriage to be. I also think I’m handling a lot of things in different ways, which is also helping. I definitely take responsibility for the negative I bring to our marriage.

So here is the email, which I’m posting because I always find it gratifying to see reflections of my marriage in the marriage of others, especially when I know the couple is find ways to improve their dynamic.

For some context, I sent this email during the 2nd week of my school year, when I was a total wreck trying to juggle the demands of my new schedule, with the responsibilities of managing my daughter at school. I had so many events in the evenings that my husband was doing way more than he usually did. We had very different takes on that arrangement.

I have been wanting to talk about the last two weeks, and how uncomfortable it has made me asking you for increased assistance. You ask me what you can do to help me manage the stress of the beginning of the school year, and then when I do need help, you seem overwhelmed, or even resentful.

What is most distressing, is you perception that right now you are doing everything and I am doing very little. Honestly, to me, our current set up seems more “balanced” than what we normally do, but it seems clear you don’t see it that way.

Of course the big thing here is bedtime, which I am guessing you think we used to “split,” and I felt used to fall more on my shoulders than yours. My perception of bedtime (before this week), was I got (our son) ready – made his leche, had him pee, got him out of his clothes and then into PJs, read a book to him, brushed his teeth, and then snuggled. You did the same for (our daughter), but from what I tended to see, a lot of that consisted of you sitting on the couch and asking her to do things for herself (get on PJs, brush teeth, pee), and then reading with her, and then helping her get everything into bed, and then me coming in a snuggling until she fell asleep. In my mind (which I admit, is surely skewed toward me doing more so can’t be entirely accurate) that was me spending a lot more time on bedtime than you, especially when you take into account the 30-45 minutes I lose lying next to her with my arm over her body in a very specific way, until she falls asleep. And yes, I know many times you have to deal with (our son) during those minutes, but it’s not as all-consuming or consistent, as lying next to her for that time. I would trade helping him pee/poo getting him water or changing his music with lying down with her every night any day. I’m guessing you’re not as interested in making that trade.

I know you do the dishes. I know that is A LOT. I know EVERY NIGHT you have to go into that disaster of a kitchen and make it usable for the next day. I know that. I see that. I appreciate it. The problem is I don’t think you really see or appreciate all that I do. And it’s frustrating that when you take over more of what I do, you still fail to recognize how much it is or how it equates to how stressed I am.

I feel like you don’t really see or appreciate the 15-30 minutes that I’m up before you every morning, getting both of them leche, starting the toast, finishing her lunch and packing up her backpack, buttering and cutting the toast, and then lying with (our son) when he wakes up. Just the stress of knowing I have to be the one to get my ass out of bed every morning on time is stressful. You go to sleep every night assuming I will be on it and when you get up, a bunch of stuff will already be done. I go to sleep every night panicked I’ll sleep through my alarm, or just get up late enough to fuck the whole morning into a frenzy.

I feel like you don’t see or appreciate the fact that I get up with (our son) 95% of the weekend mornings. Even if I just have him pee, make him leche and lie with him for a while before putting him on the pad, that is still 30 minutes, and a much earlier wake up. And whenever you do it, I feel like I owe you or something, which just doesn’t seem fair. I know you’re not a morning person, and I know it’s hard for you to get up. That is why I do it every morning. But I would also love to just sleep through some of that stuff once in a while, or just stay in bed while someone else does it. Today you said you were giving me some time, but that meant having both kids in bed with me with a loud radio play going. Would that feel like some “time” for you in the morning?

I ALWAYS get less sleep that you do. My sleep is ALWAYS more interrupted. And yet you seem to lay claim on being the most tired. Maybe you are more tired, despite getting more and better rest. Maybe you aren’t sleeping well because of your snoring. Maybe you just need more sleep. Any or all of those things could be true. But I feel like the fact that you are so tired makes you unable to see how much less sleep I’m getting, and how much more I do before you even get up every morning.

I also feel like you have no idea, and don’t appreciate, how exhausting pick up/afternoons are. Yes, I know you have more time with (our son) at home every morning, but I spent more time picking them up and then being with both of them before you come home, than that time. Pick up is fucking exhausting. Everyone is tired and hungry and expecting some candy in the car (an expectation that was created elsewhere and now we need to manage). If I get to (our son) by 4:45, I’m still not home with both of them until 5:45 because somehow it takes over an hour to drive one mile, find parking, get out of the car, find (our daughter), gather all her things and make sure nothing was misplaced, coax her away from her friends (or a movie if it’s Friday) walk back to the car, break up an argument, get them both in their seats and buckled, and then get them home. Then I have to get HW done (which involves SERIOUS emotional management for (our daughter) (and me quite frankly), deal with the backpack, make dinner, and manage TV expectations (both what they watch, which is alwyas a flight, and how much they get to watch). Pick up alone is totally depleting, the hour afterward is hard too. And then you come home and see me on a chair or on the elliptical machine, and have that tone in your voice and/or look on your face when you hear they are watching a third show, and I can tell what you are thinking, or even if I don’t I know what you’re thinking, I know it’s NOT, oh I’m glad she’s getting a minute to sit down or work out.

I won’t even go into all the invisible mental energy I expend dealing with her school and making sure everything is turned in and that our family is participating in an effective way (and I’m not talking PTA, but just paperwork that needs to be turned in for her, and meetings that needed to be attended as a parent, not a PTA officer).

I know I’ve had a lot of stuff going on in the evenings and you’ve had to take over bedtime and it’s hard, but surely if we tallied every night either one of us has been alone for bedtime, even just since (our son) was born and not before with just (our daughter), I’m still behind you by a lot. Which means I’VE had countless more of those incredibly tiring nights, and that has just been the expectation. There was no, oh I can’t wait for it to go back to normal, because that just was normal. (I also think those nights are so much more exhausting for you because on a night where we “split” bedtime, I’m doing more, which means you taking over my “half” is more depleting for you than when I have to take over your half when you’re gone.)

And that is really where I’m at with all of this. It’s not the whole set up, because I know that is never going to change. I’m always going to be the one doing pick up every day (except when one of our parents take it on), and I know I’ll be the one to get up first every morning, and I know I’ll be the primary parent at school. It’s just the expectation that I will do those things, and the lack of acknowledgement. It’s that, when I’m not available to do everything I usually do, there isn’t a thought of “holy shit she does a fucking lot and must be exhausted,” instead it’s I can’t wait for it to go back to being “fair.”

I wish so badly we could actually change places for a month so each of us could better understand where the other is coming from. I’m sure I would better appreciate how overwhelming everything feels for you, and I’m sure you would understand better where I’m coming from. But we can’t do that. Instead we have to fall back on empathy. I try to be empathetic. I do. I believe you are doing the best you can, and that is a big reason why I step in and do what I do, in the mornings, in the afternoons/evenings, and at school. I do it because I really do believe our family is better off if I just get that shit done. But I feel like instead of getting empathy back, what I get is an expectation that I will do it all, and frustration and resentment when I can’t.

I know we’ve had this conversation a million times, especially when I am overwhelmed and can’t keep up with all that I normally do. I know the actual dynamics aren’t going to change, I’m just hoping our attitudes might. Please let me know where I need to clarify my own understandings and perceptions, because I know they can’t possibly be accurate – I’m a human being and not a machine. Hopefully we can figure out a way to better support each other, because this year is going to be really stressful for me, and that could really upset things at home if we’re not tackling this stuff proactively.

Sorry for the long email, which I know you hate. I figured it was better than a hostile conversation, which I know you hate more.

Life

On a Tuesday…

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

{I started this post yesterday, with the intention of posting it yesterday morning, but then life got in the way.}

I took the day off today to set up the book fair at my daughter’s school. We can’t actually get access to the room until 2pm, but we have a staff meeting today, which means I wouldn’t have been available to set up the book fair until after 6pm, unless I missed the meeting, which would have cost me 1.5 hours. But here’s the thing, if you are absent on the day of a staff meeting, you lose 7.5 hours (the contracted school day) and not 9 hours (the contracted staff day plus the staff meeting). So I figured I’d just take the day and try to get out from under a massive pile of paperwork I hadn’t graded or entered.

{Of course, planning for a sub took me over three hours. With my insane schedule I had to write very detailed notes to make sure everything went okay. I even included a map so he could find all my classrooms. I hope he made it to the other campus okay.}

This weekend, which was busy but nice, I found myself building up the list of things I expected to get accomplished during my “day off.” I’ve written before that I tend to create impossible goals for days off, and then feel disappointed when the day is over over and I haven’t gotten nearly as much done as I’d wanted. This time I recognized what I was doing quickly enough to scale my expectations way back. All I hoped to do today was grade all my papers, create a handout I need for tomorrow, and workout. I also hoped to do two of three online safety trainings that I am required to complete before mid-October (while grading papers and/or working out). I am playing the blood borne pathogens presentation while I write this. I’ve heard it before twice, so I’m hoping I remember the answers well enough without really listening. I’ll let you know how it goes.

{Right after I wrote that I remembered I had to use exercise time to send reminders to the Book Fair volunteers. Which I did.}

Now it’s 10pm. I’m listening to the Mandated Reporter of Child Abuse training (I’ve gotten 100% on the Blood Borne Pathogens AND Sexual Harassment quizzes!) and creating that handout I wanted to get done.

And the handout is done! Woot!

And I passed the Mandated Reporter training. Ugh, that was super depressing, but I’m relieved to get those out of the way. They’ve been stressing me out for a while now.

I also got all the papers graded, though they are not yet entered online.

We got the book fair set up in three hours, which wasn’t too bad. I was picking up my kids at the same time as I would have been if I’d gone to work and stayed for the staff meeting. I’m so glad I got to miss the staff meeting – they are almost always a total waste of time.

Tomorrow my husband leaves for five days. It’s bad timing with the book fair, but my in-laws are stepping in to help, for which I’m very grateful. They have been spending 7-10 days in Texas EVERY MONTH, so I’ve gotten more used to making things work without them, and I’m much more grateful of the help they give when they are around.

Things at work are still really stressful, but I’m falling into a routine. It’s a rushed, chaotic routine, but a routine nonetheless.

I actually have a “things I’m loving right now” post in the drafts folder of my brain that I hope to post soon, because there are some things I’m really loving these days. I guess I’m mentioning it here to hold myself accountable.

Now it’s late so I should head to bed. I’m super tired and I’m working hard to get more sleep every night. I know I need it with these crazy busy days.

I hope you’re all doing well.

Connection/Work/Teaching

Recommendations Wanted

Posted on by noemikjames / 19 Comments

One of the reasons I’m so overwhelmed right now (and writing posts like yesterday’s) is because the whole president of the PTA thing is totally kicking my ass. So not only is everything new at work, where the constant room-changing creates an air of daily chaos and stress that carries into the rest of my life, but I’m constantly thinking about, planning, responding to emails, discussing, and stressing about PTA and PTA events.

I knew the position was going to be hard, but I had no idea how hard (I also didn’t anticipate just how bad the work situation would be this year–it’s so much worse than I feared–and that is definitely exacerbating the PTA issues). One problem is that the most important person on my team–the woman who has been on the board the longest, and who was technically our fundraising chair–left on the third day of the school year when her daughter finally got the transfer they had been requesting since last January. She has been amazing about helping me with the big fall projects that I’m totally clueless on, but after October she will officially faze out. I’m so fortunate that the other woman who has been on the board for a long time is still helping me a ton, even though she technically termed out as Secretary and now is officially in a very low-key role. The new Secretary is totally game to help, she just doesn’t know what she’s doing (totally understandable as this is her first year and the whole operation is mostly a shit-show). The Treasurer seems very checked out, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s moved to a short-term rental while trying to sell her house (so stressful, I know) or if she’s just burnt out on PTA and the school in general, especially since she doesn’t know where she’ll be living next year, which might mean her kids won’t even be at the school anymore. The VP is doing exactly what I expected she would do, which is absolutely nothing, and that should be fine because I didn’t expect to have a VP at all, and I wouldn’t have had one (it’s not like she took the position from someone who would be doing more–no one else wanted the position), but it still bothers me, probably because I did so much last year as VP, and could really use more help this year as president.

Anyway, all that to say, I have two (and a half?) people who are helping me with a shit ton of stuff, and fall is a very busy time of year, and there is just a ton going on. Also, I will admit that it’s depressing to be the president of the PTA at a school where no one cares about being on the PTA or helping in any of the causes (okay, some people care but it’s a VERY small percentage). Which brings me to why I’m writing this post…

If we get to the end of this year and all we did was barely manage to maintain the status quo, which is not accomplishing a lot, I will not only be totally and completely depleted, but also incredibly disappointed. While current interest in the PTA (and school community) is depressing (to me at least), there is opportunity for building a base of active parents, because all the shit that went down last year has lit something of a fire under the asses of some parents, they just aren’t quite sure what to do with that renewed interest in participating. I really do think that if we approached the situation in new and productive ways, we could make a positive change that might carry forward at the school. I also know that I have NO IDEA how to go about rallying the parents at a school with a primarily socioeconomically disadvantaged student population.

If anyone out there has any resources that might help me with this, I’d so appreciate you sending them along. I will reach out to the state PTA, but when I have in the past, they haven’t had much of value to share with me. Frankly, it’s been disappointing.

I guess what I’m looking for are books or articles or blogs/sites that talk about community building and (sadly I have to care about this, as it’s technically PTA’s main purpose) fundraising, specifically in lower-socioeconomic communities. We also have a language barrier issue to overcome as about half of the families either don’t speak English at all, or don’t feel comfortable communicating in English. Even some good resources on grassroots movements could help. I honestly don’t know, I just have no idea what I’m doing, and I want to be more proactive in my attempts to make some real and lasting change, no matter how small.

Uncategorized

Why do I even try?

Posted on by noemikjames / 7 Comments

Sometimes it feels like, Why do I even try? Because no matter my intentions, or the steps I take to ensure something happens, life will intervene, and I end up back where I started. 

Last night I wanted to make up for some sleep lost the two nights before, so I did only the most necessary work after my call to Guatemala, and went to bed. Of course my daughter woke me up at 5am and I never got back to sleep (probably because my body was like, hey, six hours, we’re done now right?) so it ended in a wash. Maybe I can get in that extra hour tonight..

Last year I negotiated for first period prep so that I wouldn’t be missed if I were a few minutes late in the mornings. But with our block schedule, Wednesday starts with 2nd period, so I have to be in class that day at 8:30am. Last Wednesday I got up super early, got my daughter up 15 before the norm, and we ended up at her school with plenty of time to spare. I was so thrilled I was going to get to work in time to make a few copies before my first class. Then I got on 280 and hit the worst traffic I’ve seen on that freeway in years. Turns out a car ran into a tree down by my work and it took me over an hour to get to school. I was so late a friend had to cover my class for 15 minutes.

Last Thursday night, after I led my first PTA meeting as president, I was so exhausted I could barely see straight. So I went to bed early with the intention of finishing work in the morning. Of course my son woke up only 10 minutes after me and I got nothing done. I spent Friday creating activities on the fly because I had absolutely nothing prepared. 

Sometimes it feels like, why do I even try? 

Blerg. I’m so tired. 

Uncategorized

Finding Time

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

I have not been finding time to write here. I’m doing so much new stuff at work that I have to spend more time preparing than I used to. By the end of most nights, the idea of sitting down to write isn’t very appealing. 

I also feel like I’d be saying the same thing over and over again, which no one wants to read. So I don’t say anything at all. 

But I hate to be away from this space for weeks at a time. It feels like something is missing. 

Last week was hellaciously busy. It was a really stressful week and at the end of it I was so relieved it was over. This week is better but next week is much of the same. October is a nuts month for us. It seems I best keep my head down and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. 

I read the blogs of people who seem to thrive on the busy-ness of life. I thought I was one of those people, but the older I get and the better I know myself, the more I realize I am definitely NOT. I’d much rather have a string of nights with nothing to do, than an event every evening. Did I used to like being busy and at some point I changed? Or do I just know myself better now? In either case, I wish I liked being busy more, because it’s such an expectation these days, that we will make the time to go all manner of things: do more work outside of the regular work day, make time to help at our children’s school, be there for our friends, and of course be totally dedicated to our families. We can’t possibly do them all; we are set up to fail at one or more of them. The game is rigged against us, so I guess we have to change the the rules. 

Too bad I’ve always been such a rule follower. Changing the rules is something I really struggle to do. 

How do you manage the busy in your life?

Health & Well Being/Parenting & Family/Work/Teaching

There’s Always Something

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I ALWAYS work out three times a week. I can count on one hand the weeks I didn’t manage to work out three times in the past year. I think it may only be three (and two were during vacations in very hot places).

How do I manage to never miss a workout? Well, for one, three times a week is not that much. It’s less than half of the days, which gives me flexibility. I’d love to work out four or even five days a week, but since working out takes time away from my family, this is all I can manage right now. And since it’s less than my ideal, I am very careful to make sure I always get in my three workouts.

Because working out three times a week is so important to me, it is the first thing I schedule when I’m looking at the coming week. I do have an elliptical machine in my house, which is AMAZING and allows me to workout while my kids are home (I DEFINITELY recommend having an aerobic exercise machine in your house – it makes working out so much easier to schedule). The problem is it’s in my bedroom, so I can’t wake up early and work out, lest I have a grumpy husband (and daughter – who still ends up on the futon on our floor most nights) cursing at me.

I also try to avoid working out after the kids’ bedtime, because I get so energized from the exercise that I have to take something to fall asleep before 1am (especially since I’m not out of my daughter’s bedroom most nights until (9:30pm). This basically leaves me right when I get home from work on the weekdays, and that is a tricky time to make it happen.

With my old schedule, I could sneak out at 2:55, missing the other school on our campus’s traffic (they get out at 3pm) and also the nearby high school’s traffic (they get out at 3:15pm) and be home before 4pm. Now I end at the school that isn’t out until 3:15, which means I can’t beat the traffic to the freeway. This also means I’m never home early enough to work out before I pick up my kids (I used to attempt this once a week). It also means that even if I do get them both home by 5pm, I still only have two hours to get them dinner, get them situated with dinner in front of the TV (yes, I do this horrible thing, because it allows me to work out, and working out keeps me mentally healthy), get changed, work out, stretch and shower, before we start bedtime at 7pm. Let’s just say on those days, it’s hard to execute.

School has been back in session for a month now and my weeks have been very busy. For the first time ever, I’m finding it almost impossible to get in my two M-F workouts (I always do one on the weekend). There’s just always something. Like this week, I was supposed to get my allergy shot Monday, Tuesday I have a staff meeting until 5pm, Wednesday is Back-to-School Night at my daughter’s school, Thursday is the first general PTA meeting, and Friday is a Girl Scout event (AH! I hate Girl Scouts!). I pushed the allergy shot to next Monday (which means it will barely fall inside the three week thresh hold between shots), so I could work out last night and Wednesday I’m going to try to get in a super short run before Back-to-School Night, though this is probably going to blow up in my face. Still, I’ll attempt it, because the thought of only working out Monday makes my skin crawl, I just know I need more stress-busting endorphins somewhere during the week.

Next week is a little better, but the week after that is just as bad. Between work and my daughter’s school, there is just shit all the time.

I really don’t know how I’m going to manage this moving forward, because getting in three workouts a week is non-negotiable for me. It is the number one stabilizer of my moods, the absolute best way to manage my anxiety and depression. I simply can’t give it up. Which means I’m going to have to start getting creative. Maybe instead of three longer workouts I’ll try to fit in four shorter ones. Maybe if I work out twice on the weekends, once during the week (every once in a while) will be okay.

I have to say, it’s been frustrating to feel like I can’t find the time I need to stay mentally healthy. I hadn’t considered, when I took on the responsibility of PTA president, that those thirty extra minutes at work would make such a difference. I hope I can figure out a way to get my exercise on.

Uncategorized

When Friendships Cease to Serve

Posted on by noemikjames / 8 Comments

Recently a friend mentioned something about another friend, something that I had not been told. The first friend assumed our mutual friend had shared it with me, as she had shared it with her, but that wasn’t the case. This is not the first time this has happened, and I was reminded again of why I’ve been consciously, and subconsciously, distancing myself from that friend, for a while now.

I was definitely hurt, at least initially, but more than hurting me, it got me thinking yet again about who my real friends are, and whether or not I should take definitive steps to leave some friendships behind. In the past I’ve always landed on… well, I haven’t landed anywhere, ultimately making a decision through indecision. I don’t mention how things have hurt me (which might improve our relationship in the long run) and I don’t take steps to disentangle myself from those friendships. My thought process has always been that those friendships don’t take up much of my time or mental energy, so I might as well just leave them as they are. More friends is always better, right?

But I’m wondering if that is actually the case. Maybe if I keep those friends around, I am actually making it harder to find other meaningful friendships. Perhaps the little I do interact with my friends is taking up valuable mental and emotional resources, making it harder for me to invest in other friendships. And maybe the time I do spend following and participating in text chains is more significant than I realize. Finally, I’m starting to wonder if maintaining these friendships is making it harder for me to truly let go of who I once was and become someone else.

I always considered the fact that I’ve known my college friends since college as a strength in our relationship. Sometimes it felt like the defining aspect of our friendship; as we grew into adulthood, and away from each other, our shared past became not just the foundation, but eventually the entirety, of our friendship. We weren’t creating anything new as friends, we were just hanging on to each other out of respect for our shared pasts.

The problem is, the years when I was very good friends with these women were difficult years for me. To say I was struggling with depression and compulsive eating would be an understatement; they were totally devastating my life, at least on the social level. I was a fucking mess, and I abused alcohol and other mood-altering substances to manage the discomfort. I’m not that person anymore, and I’m recognizing that participating in friendships whose foundations reside in that difficult time, are not necessarily healthy in the here and now.

I want to clarify that this has nothing to do with the people I was friends with back then. They are wonderful women, who stuck with me when it wasn’t necessarily pleasant to do so. I owe them a lot. And they have grown into very interesting and engaged adults who I’m sure I’d enjoy hanging out with if I were to meet them right now. But I didn’t meet them now, I met them 20 years ago, when I was a wreck, and whenever I think of our time together, I am confronted with a past I’d rather not relive.

I think this would all be fine, if things weren’t happening now that call into question our friendship, and send me spiraling back into past hurts in an attempt to explain current ones. I can’t try to figure out why a friend treats me so differently than another woman in our group without rehashing all the hurt that has passed between us. And I don’t want to revisit all of that stuff. I believe I’ve confronted it, learned from it, incorporated it into who I am, and moved on, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to be reminded of the past when I’m trying to make sense of the present.

The truth is I’m a very different person now than I was even 8 years ago. I don’t know if these friends can ever really know me for who I have become, when the bulk of their experiences with me were shared with the person I was. I’m sure if we had opportunities to spend real, quality time with each other now, we could build a friendship that is relevant and meaningful, but in the absence of those opportunities, we’ll always be stuck in the past. And our friendship will always be hindered by it.

This is a revelation for me, that my friendship might actually be hindered by our shared past. I always considered that its core strength, but lately I’m recognizing it is a potential weakness.

So what would I actually lose if I deliberately distanced myself from these women? A text chain that I only halfheartedly participate in? The chance that we might meet up some day and it will be kind of fun? They didn’t even remember my birthday this year. Sure none of my other friends did, but they aren’t those kinds of friends, the kinds who should remember my birthday because they knew me when it mattered.

The truth is, I feel so uncomfortable communicating with one of these women that I don’t really want to participate in the group as a whole, at least not in a meaningful way. But I would still like to be friends with the other two women. For one that means actually calling her on occasion, and seeing her when she’s in town (her parents live close to mine). For the other it means the occasional text and a visit every couple of years, when I’m near her or she is near me. I think I could maintain those friendships without being a part of the group. The reality is I haven’t really been a part of the group in a long time.

I’ve written posts about this a few times, and always decided to just stick with the status quo. I did this because, while I recognized that my continued participation didn’t bring me much positive or meaningful connection, the group wasn’t a negative presence in my life. Now I’m seeing that it is, in fact, affecting me negatively. I don’t like who I am when I’m hurt by this friend, and I can avoid being hurt if I walk away.

There is also a part of me that believed I need to just suck it up, and deal with this shit, because I was who I was and I don’t deserve to move past it, not completely. Or that I am meant to learn something new as I navigated our relationship. But that’s bullshit. Maintaining friendships that don’t serve me, or actually hurt me, is a useless endeavor. And if I haven’t learned the lesson yet, I’m probably not going to. I don’t need to pay for some past mistakes. I have accepted who I was and learned from my missteps, there is no reason to stay mired in regret.

So I’m going to do it, I’m going to deliberately step away from a friendship, hoping I can still salvage the other two, and see where I end up. I’m not quite sure how or when I’ll do it, but I know it’s going to happen, and deep inside I feel the most sublime relief. It’s going to be hard, but for the first time, I know this is the right thing to do.

Life

Neither Here Nor There

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Some random thoughts on a Thursday.

~ Finally, after five straight days of stifling weather, it’s below 80 in my house again. In fact, the coconut oil solidified – it must be in the low to mid-70’s! For three days it was between 90 and 95 degrees IN OUR HOUSE, which is above the garage and tenant’s unit, so technically “upstairs.” We spent a lot of time in front of our two fans, and hanging out in our tiny entryway, which was WAY cooler. Oh, and taking cold showers (such a fan of those now). But today the temps finally dropped for real. I’m working out right now, and adoring the cool breeze. It’s been so long since I felt that tingle against my skin.

After that insane heat wave, I can’t wait for fall to officially arrive. Too bad September AND October are the Bay Area’s warmest months.

~ We decided we’re taking our kids to Disneyland over the long weekend in October. I’d rather go when it will be less crowded, but it’s too hard to miss three days of school, and I don’t want to take my daughter out for that long either. So we’re driving down on Sunday, hoping Monday at California Adventure isn’t too bad, and hitting up Disneyland on Tuesday. Then we drive back Wednesday. This is all for our son’s birthday, which is later in the month.

I took my daughter to Disneyland when she turned four but it was a much cheaper trip. Just she and I went and we stayed with a friend in LA on the way down so we only had to sleep two nights in motels. Now there are four of us that need tickets (god they cost so much!) and three nights in a motel since none of my LA friends can accommodate our whole family. I know we are so fortunate to be able to go, but the cost is still stressing me out. Hilariously, I really wanted to splurge on the Disneyland Hotel, but it turns out it costs almost as much to stay there for one night as four tickets to get into the parks, so the Holiday Inn it is. I’m disappointed, mostly because we stayed at that hotel when I was younger and I remember how awesome it was to this day; I’d love to give that to my kids. But alas, we don’t have the money and I know they will be so excited to go to the parks, so I’m focusing on that (and the fact that we can drive, which saves us a ton). How do families that have to fly afford to do this kind of stuff?

~ Speaking of money, I am realizing that I have a renewed desire to change my relationship with the green stuff and am trying hard to capitalize (ha!) on the momentum. I was thinking the other day how miserable I was during the years when my life was taken over by compulsive eating, how dark and long that tunneled seemed and how desperate I was to get out. And now I am and life is SO MUCH BETTER. If I could similarly redefine my relationship with money I’d be a much happier person, I know this. I’m hoping this time I may be in the right mindset to make real changes, because I’m no longer trying to spend less or adhere to a set of (basically) arbitrary rules, but instead want to commit myself to forever altering the way I interact with money. We shall see how it goes.

~ There are four people in my social orbit how are expecting their second children, and in interacting with them, I’m realizing I still have complicated feelings about pregnancy. The weirdest thing? Most of it doesn’t have all that much to do with my own experience. Pregnancy still makes me, more than anything else, extremely anxious. I’m always worried the worst will happen. I believe this is due to spending the first six years of my life watching my parents lose a child and then suffer three still births. I don’t think any of it was spoken of much, but I had to know it was happening and it all left an indelible mark on my psyche, one that defined my own pregnancies and defines the way I feel about other people’s as well. Of course I never say anything to anybody about my fears – I’m not that damaged – but my anxiety, along with my history surrounding pregnancy, just makes me feel like a real weirdo when it comes to people expecting. Mostly I just want them to be done with the pregnancy part, and fast, and I know that’s not how I should feel. Blerg. I guess I was hoping my ambivalence surrounding the topic would fade as I got farther away from my own family building experience, but no, it’s still going strong. So frustrating.

~ Speaking of pregnancy’s lingering effects, I saw the pelvic pain specialist for the first time in a couple of years, and evidently if a treatment of topical estrogen and steroids doesn’t heal the skin that STILL tears open (after SEVEN YEARS) every time I do you know what, I’ll be getting surgery over the winter break. How cutting the scarred tissue out and sewing what’s left together will resolve existing scar tissue that won’t fully heal I don’t yet understand (and she seems very reluctant to do it, so maybe it has a high probability of not working). I’m sure I can decline the surgery, and might, but if this doesn’t work, it will suck to know that I’ll create an open wound every time I enjoy intercourse. I declined the surgery to correct my prolapse because it doesn’t bother me much on a daily basis, and is only a big problem when I’m having my period and want to swim (because I can’t wear a tampon), which has only really happened once since my son was born (this summer in San Diego). Also, it only has a 70% chance of working, and then a 50% chance of returning to its original state even if it does work. Those seem like shit odds for having a surgery. If the chances of a surgery actually correcting my scar tissue are that abysmal, I’ll decline it too.

I write about this stuff because I think it’s important for people to know that pregnancy and vaginal births can have long-term negative effects. There is such a culture of silence around these possibilities, and pregnancy and vaginal birth are so thoroughly revered in our society, people can be totally blind sided by prolonged issues, especially when doctors admit they are totally normal, and even common! So here I am, the voice of uterine prolapse and unresolved scar tissue. Shit sucks and I’m still dealing with it, seven years later.

 

Parenting & Family

End of an era

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

When my daughter turned one, a family friend gave me a year-long membership to the Discovery Museum, a hands-on play space geared towards kids under 5. I spent a lot of time there with my daughter when she was younger. Even when going meant being painfully reminded of our secondary infertility (I swear, every woman there is pregnant and chasing a not-yet-two-year-old), I still went because it was a great way to kill a weekend morning with my little one.

I haven’t taken my son nearly as much, because we live farther away now, and it’s not a great place to bring kids that aren’t so close in age. By the time my son was old enough to enjoy the tot room, my 4.5 year old daughter was too tall to get in, and all the rooms she could go in weren’t quite appropriate for her brother. By the time he was old enough to go into the rooms she liked, we kind of forgot about the place altogether.

This weekend I took my son for the first time in over a year, because their Daniel Tiger exhibit was closing, and even though my son no longer watches Daniel Tiger much, I knew he’d love to “meet” him. I invited my daughter as well, even though she is technically too old to go into the Daniel Tiger part, but she didn’t want to go, so I ended up just taking my youngest.

It had been so long since we last visited the Discovery Museum that my son couldn’t remember it at all. The morning before we went, I pulled out some of his sister’s photo books to find some pictures of her playing in the tot room. Flipping through those books, I was struck by how different her childhood was than his has been, how fixated on her we were, how everything revolved around her, and us being her parents. We saw so many friends who had kids her age, I made a point of going places with her and doing fun things. I know part of this was because I was desperate just to pass the time with a toddler, but part of it was also because I was completely wrapped up in what it meant to be her mother.

I have of course, not made my son any pictures books. I stopped at 2 years for my daughter so I only have to make him two for things to be equal, but still, it’s probably never going to happen. Besides, I don’t know if I could make him a book that is just about him, and not about our family, because he just hasn’t had that same kind of baby- and toddler-hood as his sister got, where everything revolved around him. His sister is in at least half of the shots of him, if not more.

Hanging out in the Discovery Museum this weekend, after flipping through my daughter’s photo books, brought back a lot of memories. I was struck by how long ago my days there seemed, and how different my life was. All the kids there are so small, most of them in diapers. My almost 4-year-old towered over them (mostly because he’s as tall as a 5-year-old, but also because there are way more 1- and 2-year-olds there). I realized as my son darted around the different rooms, that my 7-year-old would be bored. I tried to get her to come, mostly so my husband could get a break after covering me while I went to work all day Sunday, but also because I thought she’d have fun. My son is now too tall for the tot-room and I was sure we could sneak her into the Daniel Tiger exhibit for the ten minutes my son was interested, but once we got there I realized it was good she didn’t come, because everything there would have been deemed “for babies.”

And that’s because it is. It’s a place for babies and toddlers. And I don’t have a baby or toddler anymore. My kids are getting bigger, and aging out of former staples like the Discovery Museum. That is hard for me to wrap my head around.

When I think back on my daughter’s infancy and toddler-hood the most salient aspect of that time is the long hours, and how desperate I felt to fill them. I was always spending money on toys that might engage and entertain my daughter, always taking her places so that eventually we could come home, instead of feeling stuck there all day. I was always trying to do things, and every day felt like a eternity.

My life doesn’t feel like that anymore. My daughter can listen to an audiobook or actually read a book herself, for a decent amount of time. Even my son can play with his cars for 10 minutes without needing a companion. Sometimes (shock! gasp!) they even play together! We go places now because it’s expected of us, or because it actually sounds like a fun thing to do. My kids have friends they actually want to hang out with. They are two people with their own ideas and opinions. The days no longer feel like eternities (well, sometimes they can).

I don’t know the point of this post, I guess today I was just reminded of how long ago early motherhood happened, and how much I’ve grown and changed since then. Parenthood is changing, and mostly I’m thrilled with how it is different. But today I was thrust back into that time, when everything was new and I couldn’t separate any part of myself from the new, all-encompassing identity of mother. Those years were so intense, and when I was in the thick of it, it seemed like they would never end. But they did, without me even realizing it. I appreciate the opportunity today to acknowledge that, and reflect a little on how far I’ve come. To realize I’ll probably never go to the Discovery Museum again, and that is okay. I look forward to all the new places me and my kids will discover, together.