Not a Wasted Word

In early May (the weekend of Mother’s Day, in fact), I made a massive purchase that I never wrote about. I was nervous to write about it here because I’ve exposed my financial situation numerous times over the past few years and have invited judgement in doing so. And while I know the individuals who were most hurtful no longer read my blog, I’m still hesitant to put myself out there when it comes to money matters.

So I didn’t write about it, even though I wanted to share it. And now three months have passed and I have yet to mention it. But that changes today, because I’m sick of purposefully hiding something out of fear of being judged. It’s silly and I’m over it and now I’m writing this post.

Three months ago, I got an e-assist cargo bike, specifically a Yuba Spicy Curry. It’s a really nice, REALLY expensive bike that I had been considering for a long while. As you may remember I put seats on the front and back of my hybrid bike last summer, trying to determine if I’d ride with the kids enough to make getting a cargo bike worth it. With that set up, it was really hard to handle the weight of all of us so high, and without a electric assist there were a lot of hills we couldn’t climb, and areas it was hard, if not impossible) to get to. In the end I didn’t use the bike that much, because I never felt secure or comfortable on it.

Last fall I agonized over whether or not to get a cargo bike for 3-4 months before I finally decided I wasn’t going to pursue it. I just didn’t need a bike that cost so much.

I stuck with that conclusion for 3-4 more months, barely thinking about the bike again. Then, I started considering the possibility once more. I’m not sure what prompted the change of heart, but when I considered it again, the agony of the decision was gone. Confident that I could trust my judgement about the bike, I started constructing arguments for and against getting one. I researched. I thought about where we would keep it in our home (a big hurdle with such a massive bike). Eventually I decided that it was worth the investment. I talked with my husband and we agreed that I would spend a small portion of our tax return to pay part of the cost, then finance the rest at 0% APR for a year with a monthly payment much like the one I used to put toward my student loans. In less than nine months it will be paid off.

We’ve had the bike for three months now, and I can safely say that I love it. It’s such a great way to get around the city; I’m so much happier on the bike than I am in a car. (Yes, I know there are risks involved with riding in the city, but I don’t want the fear of what might happen to keep me from doing something that I really love.) Driving a car in San Francisco is an incredibly frustrating endeavor and parking can be damn near impossible. It drives me absolutely crazy. And the bus system is time consuming at best, unreliable at worst. Having an electric assist cargo bike provides me with an ease and freedom to traverse the city that in the past in could only dream of. Now it’s my reality.

The kids really like it too, especially with their new Spiderman and Cat helmets. The vast majority of camp/daycare drop off and pick-ups have been on the bike this summer and we’re all big fans. We take it to the park, the store, pretty much everywhere. There have been weeks when I didn’t take my car out of the garage! Talk about a dream come true!

So now I’m the proud owner of an e-assist cargo bike. It’s definitely the most luxurious purchase I’ve ever made, and I don’t regret it one bit.

I spent five days in Colorado last week (two weeks ago?), with three women I know intimately through blogging, but had never actually met. We made plans, months ago, to run a half marathon together in July. We spent the last few months training “together,” cheering each other on via text message as we weathered our respective challenges. I’ve run a full marathon before, and stumbled through a half once when I thought I didn’t really have to train. (Ha! That was humbling!) One of them women has done a bunch of half marathons, two of them in the spring and early summer. The other two women had never run one before and I was super inspired by their fierce commitment. Training “with” them was super inspiring and I ended up working harder than I ever expected I would.

The two of us that were flying to Denver met on Wednesday and headed to Estes Park for a couple days of hiking and hanging out (but not before having lunch with another local blogger we know, which was awesome).

On Friday afternoon the four of us met downtown for dinner before heading to bed early (ironically, since none of us really slept). The half marathon was early Saturday morning in Castle Rock, a half hour south of Denver. By 6am we were in line for our bibs and chips. It was a pretty route and the weather was perfect. We all had a great run and met our personal goals. I was super proud of each of us and was really impressed with how well everyone did.

We hung out together (and met up with yet another blogger for dinner that night) until Sunday when we each went our separate ways. It was a really fun extended weekend and I’m so glad we committed to this trip and were able to follow through.

It’s a weird thing meeting a blogger you’ve read for so many years. On the one hand you know them very well, perhaps even intimately, through their writing. On the other hand, you’ve probably never actually heard them speak before, and you certainly don’t know what it will be like to spend extended periods of time with them. It’s just a weird place to be, sitting across from someone you’ve never actually talked to, but know so much about.

It’s also pretty fucking wonderful.

I have met quite a few blog friends since I started writing (I’m lucky that people pass through San Francisco frequently), but it’s only ever been for a lunch or dinner. I’ve never flown to spend five days with women I’ve never actually met before. I was definitely nervous before I left (more because I was worried I’d be too loud and overwhelming than anything else), but I quickly realized that we were all going to have a great time (lucky for me these ladies can handle my loud). It really was a lot of fun, and I absolutely hope we can get together again soon.

I’ve been off FB for over three months now, and I feel like I should have something profound to say about that. Except I don’t, really.

I can tell by the way people react when I tell them I’ve deactivated my account that they don’t really get it. They’ve read enough articles (or at least been exposed to the sound bites) to know that people are generally less satisfied with their own lives when they’re on FB a lot, that studies show it doesn’t make people happier, so they can nod their head as they furrow their brows and pretend like they don’t think I’m a weirdo. I think most of them assume I’ll be back, any day now, when I realize what a massive mistake it is to stay away.

I don’t think it’s a mistake, and I plan to stay away, at least for the time being. It’s not that there aren’t things about FB that I miss–I wouldn’t have stayed on for so many years if it had nothing positive to offer–but I can’t help but acknowledge that I’m happier not participating than I was before.

Do I miss seeing pictures of my friends and families and their kids? Yes. Absolutely. I do miss that. Sometimes a lot. But the truth is, one picture every few weeks (or even months) is plenty for me. I don’t need to see every picture of every person that I know, every day. I just don’t. I also don’t need to know all about all the things they are doing. In fact, knowing all that stressed me out, in ways I didn’t even realize.

You could say that I left when I recognized that FB inspired feelings of envy or jealously or coveting, or when I got sick of comparing my life to everyone’s highlight reel. That is probably why I left. But having spent three months away, I realize that the negative effects were far more insidious. The reality is I simply couldn’t process that amount of information. I didn’t know what to do with all the thousands of images and experiences being offered up by everyone I knew. I didn’t have any place to put them. They were constantly bumping against my own ideas, trying to find a space to land, but there simply wasn’t anywhere for them to go. My mind became more crowded and cluttered, while I became distracted and unhappy.

Do I know less about my friends these days… yes! And I actually think that is a good thing. Now when I talk to them we have interesting subjects to cover. Now when they text me a picture I can take the time to enjoy it, and then file it away in a manageable archive devoted to that person. I can take the time to actually think about them and their kids, and process information about their lives in a meaningful way that inspires connection.

And I’ll be honest, it is easier to feel fulfilled in my own life when I’m not constantly bombarded by the highlights of everyone else’s. I’m sure I feel less dissassifyed now that I’m not seeing everyone’s amazing vacations and get togethers with friends. I wish I could consume that kind of information day in and day out and not be negatively affected but it just wasn’t something I could manage. 

Last Sunday was my birthday, my first birthday off of FB. I wondered how it would feel without the 100+ salutations from well-meaning “friends” that I hardly know. I’ve always quite liked and appreciated the birthday wishes on FB, at least from the people who mean something to me, but not having that acknowledgement wasn’t so bad. A few close friends remembered despite not having FB to tell them (and a few close friends forgot, and then felt bad, but I didn’t mind). Birthdays don’t mean that much to me anymore and I’m not upset when a friend, even a good friend, forgets to text me happy birthday. I didn’t even get a handmade card from my own husband or kids so I wasn’t expecting (and didn’t get) much. And you know what, it was fine and now it’s over and I’m not disappointed looking back. It’s just a day, and I don’t need a bunch of people who only know to say Happy Birthday because a website tells them to write something on my wall. 

I do think FB has made us lazier in our connecting with other people. And when someone is not on it, it’s easy to forget them. Which I understand, but I think is sad, in a way. 

The one thing I do recognize as a powerful connecting force on FB are the groups. I hear about the connections people have through their groups and they do sound effective at bringing people together to provide support and understanding. By the time I left I wasn’t a part of any active groups anymore (the ones I were a part of were smaller and fell into disuse), and that is probably why I was ultimately able to leave. Without that more authentic opportunity to connect with people, the site lost it’s ability to truly bring me closer to others in a way I felt was meaningful. 

Not being in FB is a surprisingly powerful gesture–people read into it in ways I didn’t anticipate. I feel like I should have greater insights into how I feel now that I’m not on it anymore, but I don’t. All I know is that I think about going back sometimes, and there are compelling reasons to do so, but in the end I just can’t click the reactivate button. I just can’t commit to the chaos that is FB, especially not in the fraught political landscape of this election year. So for now I’ll stay away, always open to the possibility of retuning. Maybe after a few more months I’ll have something productive to say about my absence from the world’s biggest social media site, but probably not. 

Have you ever taken a break from FB? Would you consider taking one now?