Life

Ping-Pongin’ Around my Mental Parts

Posted on by noemikjames / 19 Comments

I hope you’re ready to ping-pong through the long and short of my mind…

Less than three weeks left of summer. It feels like it flew by and like I’ve been living it forever. I am both incredibly relieved and increasingly stressed out that it’s almost over.

My son is hurtling toward toddlerdom at breakneck speed. His new favorite word is “No” followed closely by “I want…” and/or “I don’t want…” and rounded off with “I all done.”

He suddenly loves trains and can with play them for a solid twenty minutes. He get frustrated easily but he’s already learned not to throw the cars or tracks because once I put them all away when he couldn’t stop. He hasn’t thrown one since then, though there have been plenty of times when he has had one angrily above his head.

He also suddenly hates baths and can’t abide getting his hair washed. He used to dance eagerly into the bathroom, now I have to haul him there kicking and screaming. When he’s finally in the tub and the horrible work of wetting, washing and rinsing is done, he scratches his eczema patches until the skin on his ankles is a bloody pulp. I don’t know how to make either of these problems more bearable. Now I doubly hate bath day.

Every day my daughter wakes up in a foul mood, and that foul mood continues pretty much until bedtime. Every response from her is a terse yell sound. Every conversation is an argument. I am trying SO HARD to respond with kind words, to model the tone and message I would like to hear, but it’s so fucking hard to keep it up when all I get is angry accusations and ugly whining ALL. DAY. LONG.

On Monday my daughter was in a particularly horrible mood and by the time my husband came home we were actively not speaking to each other. Of course then he got to sweep in and be the fun father and she was such a sweetheart to him until bedtime. They played fun games and joked and laughed. I was so frustrated by the unfairness of the whole thing that I kicked ass on my elliptical workout and burned 30 more calories than I usually do.

I have all but abandoned the idea of attempting a GFCF diet with my daughter, mostly because she shows none of the physical symptoms of gluten or diary sensitivity, despite subsisting almost entirely off both (and there doesn’t seem to be a way to test for food sensitivities besides abstaining and then seeing if symptoms subside). Instead I’m looking into the no-additives diet, but it’s complicated because sometimes you can’t tell from the ingredients list if the offending additives are present. I’m going to have to wait until after my spending freeze is up to invest a little money in it. In the meantime I’m thinking of ways I can wean her off of some (I’m assuming) obvious offenders, like Kid-Z bars, which she’s basically addicted (seriously, those things are kid crack). It’s going to be some rough stuff to get her to stop eating some of this shit, but that probably means we should have done it ages ago. I really hope it helps; I’m at the end of my rope.

I’m also looking into bringing her sugar intake WAY DOWN. I know suspect she is sensitive to her blood sugar getting too low, so it would make sense that she’s sensitive to sugar in general. Mostly I’m just sick of her always asking for “treats” and then having epic meltdowns when I say no. Nothing can trigger an epic meltdown faster or more intensely than saying she can’t have a second frozen yogurt push-up or Kid-Z bar. That intense, addiction-like craving is probably not the sign of a healthy relationship with sugar.

I also started my daughter on 5mL of Kid’s Clar.itin because it’s clear she suffers from generalized allergies. I know how miserable I am when I’m suffering from allergy symptoms (OMFG this year has been fucking awful for my allergies), so maybe if this alleviates some discomfort she’ll be in a better mood at least part of the time.

The day after our weekend away from the kids was an abrupt re-entry into reality. My husband was in a shit mood, probably because it was his birthday and it sucked (I would have been in a shit mood too). I spent that day trying not to despair that our reconnection wasn’t going to last through the hard second half of summer. I’m happy to report that the first day back was a low point and things (or at least our attitudes) have improved since then. I do think we’re still reaping the rewards of our time together.

The house, on the other hand, seems to have reverted to its previous state of perpetual chaos. There is little evidence of the weekend of pristine clean.

We’re heading to San Diego in a week and a half and my calendar until then is filling up fast. I’m going to need to think hard about when I’m going to get the car cleaned out and me and the kids packed. We’ll be in souther California for an entire week so this will be our longest trip as a family of four. We sure did pick a banner time to try driving 10ish hours one way with these two. We have never attempted a long car ride with my son. I don’t think it’s going to go well. Oh and did I mention I’m driving home from LA with the kids alone? Yeah, I know. I’m fucking crazy.

By the time we come back there will only be one weekend before my daughter’s first day of school. My first staff day (no kids, just meetings) is that Wednesday. I haven’t done one of the things I wanted to do to prepare for the school year yet. It’s going to be here so fast. No I’m not at all sure how I feel about that.

I am listening to Ivy and Bean and the Ghost that had to Go for the FIFTH time today. It’s blaring behind my head right now, as I type. Even my son knows how to ask for Ivy and Bean by name.

I find I spend more and more time retreating into my own daydreams these days. I keep a couple of detailed stories with evolving plots going at all times, and whenever I need to escape the frustration, anger or panic of life with two kids, I just grab ahold of a storyline and lose myself in the fantasy. This probably isn’t super healthy, but it’s better than the alternative.

I had to take off my least forgiving pair of favorite jeans today because they were too tight. I guess Operation: Lose a Little Weight needs to be taken up a notch. I’m frustrated because (our staycation weekend aside) I didn’t realize I was eating enough to gain so much weight so fast. I’m not really sure how I’m going to take it off. I’ve put the kibosh on snacking after dinner, but I don’t think that will make enough difference for me to lose weight. There is so little time to work out with both kids home and no nap time… Blerg. I’m so annoyed at myself that I even have to think about this again, after I worked so hard losing all that weight last summer. I guess what they say about your metabolism in your mid-thirties (and beyond) is true. I’m going to have to really change the way I think about food now too.

I feel like I could keep writing this post forever, but it’s already crazy long so I’ll stop. If you made it to the end… I’m sorry. And thank you.

What’s ping ponging around your mental parts today?

Health & Well Being/Life

How much is too much?

Posted on by noemikjames / 32 Comments

I had a problem with alcohol for many, many years. In high school and college I used alcohol (and other drugs) to numb my emotional pain and ease my anxiety. When I was drunk I felt like I could be myself, except without all the sadness–parties and other social events were so much more enjoyable with a few (or more) drinks in me. Alcohol was a crutch, I couldn’t have fun without it.

Unfortunately, alcohol didn’t just amplify the happy feelings, sometimes it emboldened the bad. Many drunken nights ended with me in a rage, yelling at those around me for no reason that anyone could understand. If I wasn’t mad I was sad or despondent, sure that nobody really cared for me, that the love people showed me was just a ruse.

Mostly though I drank too much and passed out. Hopefully I made it home before I became a dead weight. Many times I didn’t. For as long as I can remember I struggled with knowing when to stop. Some nights I could drink a bottle of vodka and party till the sun came up. Other night three drinks had me vomiting before I passed out. Later I learned my depression meds probably had something to do with my inability to gauge how drunk I was. My fluctuating weight probably didn’t help either.

In the end though, it doesn’t matter what fueled my issues with alcohol. All that mattered was that I couldn’t drink it responsibly. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I was able to really see and accept this fact. It was then that I stopped drinking except during very special occasions. When we started trying to get pregnant it wasn’t that hard for me to abstain from alcohol completely; by that time I only drank it a couple of times a year.

When we were finally done with TTC, pregnancy and breastfeeding, it had been almost three years since I’d had a drink. I was a lightweight and no matter how little I drank I felt horrible the next morning. Any parent can tell you that the only thing worse than a hangover is parenting with a hangover. I quickly realized that no buzz was worth a morning spent managing my spirited child while feeling like shit. For years I just didn’t drink.

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In the past year my husband has developed a love for mixing cocktails and my tolerance has strengthened enough that now I can enjoy two very strong cocktails and feel fine the next morning. At first I thought this was wonderful–a couple of drinks took the edge off the long days–and I felt like myself the next morning. If I didn’t have to suffer for it, why not indulge a little?

Eventually I realized I was drinking more nights than I wasn’t and I started to wonder if that was too much. Sure now I could drink without feeling shitty the next day, but did that mean I wanted to?

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At my annual well woman’s visit I fill out a two sided questionnaire. One of the sections is about general health, and there are items about how much alcohol I consume. It felt good when I wrote zero on the line asking how many drinks I have in a week. I’m not sure how I feel about writing 2-4 now. I got my pap smear this past week and after our staycation weekend I had to check Yes on the one about having “more than 4 drinks at one time.”

I also had to see that I’ve gained some weight and I’m now almost seven pounds heavier than I ideally want to be. After all the effort I put into losing weight last summer, I’m disappointed that I’m back at this weight. I noticed my clothes felt a little tighter and didn’t fit as well, but I didn’t realize I had gained so much.

I can’t pretend that some of that weight isn’t a direct result of downing these cocktails. They may be small but they pack a strong alcoholic punch, which means they also pack a strong caloric punch. I can’t keep drinking a cocktail or two even a few nights a week and not pay for it around my waistline.

Oh, and around my wallet too!

So now I’m back to asking myself, How much is too much? I’m grateful that I’m no longer trying to figure out how to stop drinking before I black out (or fall into a drunken rage), but I recognize it’s just as serious a question when it’s about how many nights a week I indulge in one or two cocktails. I’ve decided that for the time being, Friday night will be the one night a week when I have two cocktails. I might allow myself one on a Saturday, but I won’t be drinking them during the work week. The truth is, I don’t need a drink every night. I am just as happy writing a blog post or reading a book without a little buzz going on. And abstaining for most of the week makes those two drinks on Friday something to look forward to. The rest of the week I can use exercise (or just sweet silence of an hour without my kids around) to make me feel good.

How frequently do you drink? How did you determine how much is too much (or just enough)?

Financial Security

Summer Budget Project Week 6

Posted on by noemikjames / 9 Comments

This itemized spending recap feel disingenuous because I was with my husband all weekend and he paid for everything. We spent A LOT on food and drinks that weekend, as we celebrated both our birthdays and our one weekend alone all year. The truth is I couldn’t have cared less where we ate during our staycation but my husband’s job requires he know a lot about what is happening in the restaurant and bar industry so he’s very keyed into all the new places that are getting a lot of buzz. It meant a lot to him to try these places and he really enjoyed it (as did I), so I’m chalking this up to concessions we make to keep our spouse happy. We so rarely splurge on nice dinners out, I suppose it’s okay once in a blue moon (though I would rather not spend so much on one dinner).

When I started this ban I said I wouldn’t buy myself or my kids any clothes, books or toys. I did not expect my daughter would suddenly grow out 3 of the 4 pairs of shoes she has and I didn’t anticipate a sale on uniforms at Old Navy. So I went against my ban and bought my daughter one pair of shoes (we’ll see if she’ll actually wear them, most likely they’ll be sent back–yes I tried to take her shoe shopping, it didn’t work) and some elastic no-tie shoe laces so that she can wear the one pair that still fits her without issue (she can’t tie shoes yet and has no intention of learning). I also received an email from another mom whose kids go to my daughter’s elementary school, alerting me to a sale Old Navy was having on uniforms. I have been picking up pieces here as I’ve come across them on clearance racks (all before the spending freeze), but I didn’t have “one week’s worth,” of uniforms yet. The sale was a good one, so I bought enough uniform items to get her through one week (we now have five white short sleeve tops for warmer weather, five white long sleeve tops for colder weather, five black skirts and six (two packs of 3) white leggings). I allowed myself to get these things because I would have had to anyway. I didn’t let myself get her anything “fun,” nor did I let myself pick up khaki pants for my son, which he’ll need when he starts going to daycare/preschool in late October. There really was some cute stuff I would have loved to have gotten for both of them, but I held strong and stuck with the uniform pieces my daughter definitely needed.

There was one other “cheat” this week, in that I got my daughter a new swim suit, which she doesn’t entirely need yet. I’m about to purchase another 15 swimming lessons for her because she needs to keep going if she’s ever going to be water safe (swimming lessons have been a positive, but slow-to-progress, learning experience). The swimsuit she has now is a cheap thing I bought from Costco and it’s constantly falling off her shoulders. I try to tie the straps in the back but she doesn’t like the feeling of the knot when she’s out of the water. If I just needed to get through our trip to San Diego I wouldn’t have bought her a new suit, but since we have many months of swim lessons ahead, I caved and got her a $12 suit from Amazon (none of the places I went to had them in stock anymore). I also got my son a long sleeve swim suit top for our trip to San Diego (all the hand-me-downs we have are short sleeved and in rough shape) on clearance for $4.56.

I want to make clear that I went to the consignment store where I have quite a bit of credit and looked for all these things (shoes for my daughter, swim top for my son, swimsuit and swim assister for my daughter–see below) but they didn’t have anything in my kids’ sizes. At least I was able to get most of this stuff for relatively cheap (not the shoes, but I know my daughter will not tolerate cheap shoes). Still, it all adds up, and I want you all to know that I thought a lot about each one of these items before I purchased it (especially since they all actually go against the ban). Feel free to share your thoughts on the many ways I broke the ban below in the comments.

Finally, I got some stuff at Babies R Us but I used an American Express gift card that a friend gave me for my birthday to buy them, so I listed them under the total spent on my itemized spending list, since it wasn’t my money that went toward them. The only thing in that purchase that goes against the ban is a floaty device I bought for my daughter to wear when we’re swimming in San Diego (also on clearance) because I want her to have some positive, independent swimming experiences outside of swim lessons. The other stuff I got there were toddler-safety supplies (my son has taken to opening cabinets and pulling out cleaning supplies, also bumping his head on furniture corners) so I don’t consider that going against the ban. I struggled with whether or not I should include these in the final total, since I could have used that gift card to buy necessities, like groceries, but in the end I figured you could add it to the total easily enough (as I have) to see what I really spent this week.

Summer is really coming to a close. We have two more weeks at home, one week in San Diego and LA and then my daughter starts school. I requested we stop eating out completely until out trip to Southern California because I know we’ll eat out a lot when we’re there, even though we’ll have access to a kitchen for all but two days. My husband is on board, but I can tell he’s a little annoyed. If we can’t abstain from our pizza/In-n-Out/occasional burrito for three weeks to save money before a trip, I don’t know when he’ll be willing to do that. Blerg. Baby steps… Baby steps.

Oh and I feel like I should mention that my mom and I took the kids to Great America (a local amusement park) on Thursday (my mom got my daughter and I season passes for Christmas) and I didn’t buy one thing there, not even a pretzel. I also abstained from a pretzel at the zoo today, so I’m making progress. As I said before, baby steps.

{Oh, and I want to comment on the ridiculously expensive lunch out with my daughter and husband for his birthday. My daughter and I were “surprising” (he actually knew) my husband at work to take him to lunch, but she was being very particular about what she’d eat, so we ended up at this annoying place that serves everything. When I heard the total for the three of us I balked. I couldn’t believe we were spending that just for the novelty of taking my husband out to lunch, especially when none of us were very excited about the meal. As we ate I realized we should have just “surprised him” and then walked around for a little while, maybe even stopped at the playground near by, instead of eating. In the past I never would have balked at that price (even though it was absolutely ridiculous) nor would I have brainstormed another way we could have celebrated my husband’s birthday without eating. I guess my mindset is changing, slowly but surely–and evidently not until after I’ve spent too much on something.}

WEEK 6  
7/20/2015 Beer at movie theater $15.50
7/21/2015 Uniform tops (5), skirts (3) and leggings (6) for daughter $102.38
7/22/2015 Ivy and Bean Audiobook $5.98
7/22/2015 Swim cap (I couldn’t find it before her lesson–it was with the dirty laundry) $8.66
7/22/2015 PCIT $150.00
7/22/2015 Lunch with daughter and husband (his bday) $52.23
7/23/2015 Banans and milk $9.67
7/24/2015 Tax on finger paints at Consignment Store (where I have credit) $0.70
7/25/2015 Ivy and Bean Audiobook $7.71
7/25/2015 Shoes for daughter $40.00
7/25/2015 Swim suit top for son $4.78
7/25/2015 Swimsuit and elastic no-tie shoelaces for daughter $23.64
 TOTAL $421.25
7/25/2015 Toddler-proofing products, Baby Mum Mums, swim assister for daughter $36.78
Uncategorized

Remembering

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

Last night my husband and I watched Obvious Child. It’s an atypical romantic comedy about a woman (Jenny Slate, who is wonderful) dealing with the emotional turmoil of a break up when gets pregnant after a drunken one-night-stand, and decides to get an abortion.

My husband warned me that it was about an abortion. I told him that was okay. Abortions aren’t triggering for me, I have watched movies and read books with abortion as a main part of the plot and been unaffected. I honestly wasn’t worried about it one bit.

I don’t know what it was about this particular movie, but the abortion was definitely triggering for me. It wasn’t the way they handled it–I thought they did a really commendable job managing such a sensitive topic–it must have been me. It probably was the two cocktails I drank while we watched it. Whatever it was, I kind of lost my shit emotionally. It triggered the most upsetting re-living of my ectopic pregnancy I’ve endured in a few years.

In the six years since it happened, my ectopic pregnancy has been distilled to a few heavily filtered memories. They come to me, clearly warped around the edges by time and grief, in a series of gut wrenching flashes: Handing my husband the father’s day card when I returned from New York, bursting with the news that he himself was going to be a dad. The first bright red clot I passed in my old bathroom at my parents’ house, crying on my mother’s shoulder as she whispered some inane pretense about how these things happen and I’d be okay. Lying alone, in the sonogram room of the ED as they searched for a sac but found nothing in my uterus and something, they weren’t sure what, in/near one of my tubs. Clutching my husband’s hand and chocking on the sobs as they suctioned the contents of my uterus in an attempt to see if there was any linger “pregnancy tissue” that would assure us I didn’t have an ectopic (basically giving me an abortion). Bending over so they could give me two shots of methotrexate, one in each butt cheek. Calling our parents to tell them that it was over. Finally being released into the cold night air, unsure of how we’d get home.

I’m so far away from all that now, I honestly almost never think about it. The last time it all came back to me was when a friend asked me what it was like, physically, because she was getting an abortion herself and wanted to be prepared for the pain. I was trying to get pregnant with my second child at the time. My friend and I didn’t speak for a while after that.

Time really has healed this wound. Most days it is a smooth scar that I doesn’t draw my attention. It is a numb patch that might as well not even be there. But sometimes the pain flares, hot flames licking at me from the inside, and I cry out in surprise and agony.

Last night was one of those nights, and I wasn’t at all prepared.

I guess abortion is triggering for me, after all.

Parenting & Family

The Report

Posted on by noemikjames / 18 Comments

It took two weeks for the OT to send me my daughter’s official report. It’s 16 pages long. I’ve read it once. I kind of understand some of it. The OT and I are failing attempting to find a time when we can get together to talk about what exactly it all means.

As with most “declarations from the professional establishment,” the anticipation overshadowed the reality. There was nothing earth shattering in the report. My daughter is still my daughter. Nothing has changed.

Did I expect something would change? I don’t think so. I’ve been thinking a lot in the past few days about what I anticipated the report would communicate. Did I hope it would give me something? Was I worried it would take something away?

It’s important to remember that half of the report is just a summary of my own answers to a 15 page questionnaire. I checked off how often my daughter does certain things and from that relaying of my observations, assumptions are made. I hate those kinds of diagnostic tools, because they can only be as accurate as the reporter who fills them out. What if my interpretations don’t reflect reality? What if I think she does something all the time when really she doesn’t? What if my threshold for a certain behavior is low so I report her doing it more than she actually does? What if the half of the report that is based on my observations is totally and completely wrong?

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we took our daughter to an OT, what we hoped to gain from the experience. Obviously we thought there was a great deal to gain, or we wouldn’t have spent $450 getting it done. So what exactly, were we looking for?

Sometimes I worry that I’m on this path for my own wellbeing and not my daughter’s. It’s possible that I’m fishing for some diagnoses to validate my struggles these past five years. Parenting my daughter has been hard. I have found it incredibly challenging. I have read so many books and tried so many strategies and none of them seemed to apply. It has been exhausting and I have been overwhelmed. I’ve had thoughts and feelings about being a mother that I’m pretty sure most mothers don’t. I sure as hell have never heard anyone voicing them, not even on anonymous blogs. Hell, not even I, someone who has exercised poor judgement on my blog numerous times, have never expressed some of the thoughts I’ve had about parenting. The whole thing has been… not at all what I expected. Dealing with my daughter has been more difficult than I ever could have ever imagined. I wonder if I wanted someone to tell me, officially, that it wasn’t my fault. That something else was going on. That it’s okay that I’ve never felt I could relate to the parents around me because their experiences weren’t relevant to my own. I was dealing with something different. I was dealing with something diagnosable.

In the end, though, no report is going to give me that. Nothing anybody writes about my daughter is going to normalize my parenting experience, no matter how much context it provides. So many people handle more challenging parenting situations with far more patience and grace than I. I know that even if a professional formalizes the challenges we’ve faced, ultimately it does little to qualify how well I’ve handled the situation.

So what am I looking for? In the end, when I strip away all the frustration and guilt and anger and shame, what I’m looking for is support. And understanding. Also a little empathy. I want to provide those for my daughter and I want to find them for myself. Perhaps if our daughter is identified, in even some minor way, on the Sensory Processing Disorders spectrum, we will find resources that can help. So many mainstream parenting strategies don’t seem to apply–it would be such a relief if a book I read felt relevant to our experience. While I doubt I will ever feel a part of the SPD parenting community, I do believe we can find resources there that will prove useful for our family.

The real reason we had our daughter assessed is we want desperately to understand. No one ever suggests a parent may need a translator of sorts to understand their child, but years of disconnect make it clear we need a little assistance. With understanding comes empathy. Already I feel more empathy for my sweet girl, and also for myself, as I identify my own sensory sensitivities and recognize that my daughter and I are perfectly matched for optimal button pushing. Every sensory seeking behavior she employs invades a personal space that I’m overly protective of. We are truly a disastrous duet, it’s a miracle we’ve lasted this long with our relationship in tact.

I waited with bated breath for that report and I now that I have it, I’ve only read it once. I’m not pouring over it, trying to dissect what it means. I’m not combing through the dense paragraphs, desperate to discover the secret to our (thus far elusive) happy family. I do still hope to find some understanding in there. And hopefully some support. And maybe just a smidgen of empathy–for both my daughter, and for myself–but I don’t think it holds all the answers. We still have a lot of work to do for daily life to feel more manageable; at the very best, this report will provide some tools that will make that work more efficient and meaningful.

What have diagnoses (or a lack thereof) meant to you?

Financial Security

Summer Budget Project Week 5

Posted on by noemikjames / 35 Comments

Well, that was a banner fucking week.

I’m feeling pretty sulky about how much I keep managing to spend every week, even when I’m trying to make good choices. Spending less is clearly going to require a much bigger shift in my perspective, all around. I can’t just change one or two things about how I spend money, EVERYTHING has to change, and I’m not quite sure how to do that.

Also, watching my husband throw down his credit card all weekend makes me realize that I can’t make substantial changes in our spending without him on board.

The only good news I have to report is that we applied for joint checking and savings accounts at my bank. Once the paperwork arrives in the mail we can get the ball rolling. I’m hoping I’ll have all my auto-drafts moved to the new account before school starts. We also are in the process of making my husband’s Credit Union account joint, though I’m not as confident that I’ll be able to put much in there next year.

So, here is my list of purchases. I didn’t realize I was spending so much until it was all over. It’s amazing how quickly $50 here and $45 there adds up (that’s the whole point of tracking though, isn’t it). Also, student loan payments suck.

WEEK 5  
7/11/2015 Swing (for daughter) $86.78
7/11/2015 Groceries (milk, bananas, strawberries, eggs, $6.95 sushi lunch) $25.87
7/11/2015 Book-on-tape (for daughter) $5.95
7/12/2015 Preztels (at zoo) $9.98
7/12/2015 In-n-Out $24.47
7/12/2015 Hardware to mount swing (Home Depot) $20.60
7/13/2015 Parking (Happy Hollow) $10.00
7/13/2015 Happy Hollow (Admission x2) $26.90
7/14/2015 Parking (on street) $1.25
7/15/2015 Costco (groceries) $139.40
7/15/2015 TJs (groceries) $145.31
7/16/2015 Student Loan Payment (automatic) $350.00
7/17/2015 Gas $45.00
7/17/2015 Present for husband $49.11
7/17/2015 Food for birthday (from Filipino restaurant) $99.19
 TOTAL $1,039.81
Identity

Professional Fulfillment (or a Lack Thereof)

Posted on by noemikjames / 14 Comments

This fall I will start my twelfth year teaching (how can that be how you spell twelfth?!) I’m only 35, which means I’ve been at the same school, teaching the same thing, for almost the entirety of my adult life.

To say I feel a lot of ambivalence about that would be a grave understatement.

My thoughts on my job/career/profession are all over the place. It’s impossible to pin them down. Frankly, I’m surprised I’m attempting a post about this subject because I really have no idea how I feel about it. Maybe this is a desperate attempt to shape these chaotic thoughts into some kind of meaningful narrative, because right now they just bounce and spin, relentlessly.

There are some days when my job seems perfect. I love what I teach. I love the freedom I have to teach it in whatever way I see fit. I love my staff and my administration; generally I feel appreciated and supported. I like my hours–starting early and ending early is good for productivity. I enjoy my vacations and summers off. I recognize the pay is pretty good (finally, after 12 years and a Masters degree) and that if I keep at it I can retire with full benefits at 55. I like that one of my classes has changed over the years so that I usually have something new to keep my interested–I definitely would have gotten bored teaching the same thing for 12 years without that wild card class.

Then there are some days when my job seems… less than perfect, and I contemplate leaving. Most of the time leaving looks like moving up to high school, but sometimes I consider abandoning the profession completely. Either way I recognize that it doesn’t make sense for me to make a big change now, while family life is so exhausting. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll seriously consider seeking something new.

And yet there are days when the temptation of better pay or a more stimulating day have me dreaming branching out sooner. I did some contract work for a student’s father this spring and it was the perfect balance of novel and interesting, good pay and easy to accommodate, time wise. I would love to work 10-30 hours a month (on top of my full time job) doing something that felt worth my while both mentally and financially (and could be done after the kids go to bed).

Last month one of the blogs I subscribe to promoted a writing course that her friend was offering. It was all about becoming a marketable online writer (the title was something like, Make Money Writing for Blogs!). If it weren’t for my spending freeze there is a good chance I would have invested a hefty chunk of change in the pipe dream of getting paid to write. Luckily the spending freeze helped me take a step back and with that distance I was able to recognize that I don’t actually want to make money writing for blogs (if I even thought there were decent money to make doing that). What I actually want is to be successful at something, especially if I could be successful in ways that other people recognize. What I really wanted was to be the woman giving the “class” on getting paid to write blogs, to be able to say, “I kick ass at this, I can help you kick ass too.”

I was proud of myself for realizing that I don’t want to write to make extra cash, so I spent a little time thinking of what I would be interested in doing. Writing curriculum has always interested me; one of my favorite parts of my job is creating stories, activities and worksheets for my Spanish classes. I did a little job search and found a Spanish Curriculum Designer position on the peninsula, closer to me than my current school district. I had everything they required and almost all of what they wanted. It was a full-time position but I applied anyway. Maybe they would hire me part time, even for just a few months, while they found someone who could come in full time. It all just seemed too perfect not to give it a try.

Of course they never called. I was kind of shocked, stunned almost. I was perfect for that job, how could they not even call me? It was a sobering wake up call that made me simultaneously more grateful for the job I have (and that I don’t have to find something new) and resigned to the fact that I’ll never be able to leave it, even if I wanted to.

Not getting a call for that job reminded me of the dozens of online Community/Junior College positions I applied for after I got my Masters. It was clear I was never going to get a job like that, and I still believe that I couldn’t. Maybe I could land a position at a nearby CC/JC (when the hiring pool is not nation-wide), but I doubt that will happen if I don’t have experience teaching high school aged kids. It seems clear that I need to get a secondary level position before I can ever work at a community college, so even the possibility of that is a long way off.

And yet my friend just got a position teaching at the College of Notre Dame’s teacher training program (that she’ll teach after the regular school day) and she’s never taught higher than middle school. She also has this amazing fellowship position this summer. Watching her do all these incredibly interesting and fulfilling things professionally (when she’s taught half as many years as I have) makes me realize how stagnant my professional life has been. Right when I should have been changing things up I had kids and everything came to a screeching halt.

Blerg. I just don’t know. About any of it.

{See, I told you this post would be all over the place.}

I guess the abbreviated version is that I like my job, except when I’m sick of it. I’d love to make some extra money and stretch myself creatively (or at least do something different) a few hours a week, but there aren’t many options that can be done after the kids go to bed. I am interested in teaching at the junior college level but don’t think I can get that kind of position without experience teaching high school (and am worried I might not even like it, once I get to that level). Basically I don’t know how much faith I have that I’ll like teaching any other age level enough to make it worth changing jobs. I’m as terrified to leave and find another position unsatisfying as I am horrified at the prospect of staying in the exact same position at the exact same school for the entirety of my career.

Much of the time I wonder, is this is? Am I ever going to do anything that feels really and truly meaningful to me? Am I ever going to accomplish something that makes me proud? Will I ever be a person that is recognized for what she does, even in some small way? Or will I spend my life teaching the same thing to different kids year after year after year, until I retire into the same obscurity of teaching? Most likely my life will look like the latter. And I guess I just have to learn to be okay with that.

How do you feel about your life, professionally? Can you articulate your professional goals? Have you met them? Do you expect to meet them? Do you find fulfillment in what you do?

Life/Marriage

Just What We Needed

Posted on by noemikjames / 23 Comments

This weekend was awesome. It was just what we needed. My husband and I had an amazing time. Not one frustrated word was exchanged, not one angry minute was passed. It was pure bliss. I am so thankful that we were able to spend three days away from the kids, reconnecting with each other.

On the drive down to my parents’ house on Monday I asked my husband if he thought we could keep this rekindled connection going when things got crazy again. He believes we can, and I think he recognizes that it’s worth putting in a little work to do it. I don’t think he realized how bad it had gotten, but after three days of really enjoying each other, he sees how much distance had accumulated between us.

The plan is to spend at least ten minutes every evening snuggling on the couch (my request) and talking about non-kid/parenting related topics (his request). I said I’d try to initiate these moments, but that I’d appreciate his support if he noticed I seemed distant or frazzled and wasn’t starting things myself. He agreed. We start tomorrow, which is his birthday.

The weekend really was wonderful. It was low key, but fun. On Saturday morning we slept in. Lounging in bed it one of my favorite things about being away from the kids–I could spend an entire day in bed and never get bored. We had a reservation for brunch at 11am so we did eventually have to get up. We took BART and then walked to North Beach from downtown. It was a beautiful day and we played tourist after we ate. We even hiked up to Coit Tower to enjoy the view of the many sailboats on the bay.

We had a lot of time to kill before dinner so we took our time meandering in the general direction of Japantown. When we finally arrived we were thrilled to discover the annual Anime and Cosplay festival taking place. The people watching was amazing. We hung out in Japantown for hours, just checking out everyone’s costumes and drinking iced sweet potato lattes. We did a little window shopping and then headed to the Kabuki theater to see Trainwreck.

The Kabuki has 21+ showings where drinks are sold so we got a couple 20 ozs of white ale and settled in for the movie, which we both really liked. It was the perfect combination of romantic and comedy for us and Amy Schumer and Bill Hader were fantastic.

After the movie we went to the restaurant for dinner. We had an hour to kill so we got some drinks at the bar. This restaurant has a fixed price per person and then you choose six things from a list of 12-15 and they bring enough of each dish for the people at the table. Each dish we tried was more exquisite than the one before. The cocktails were also amazing. We enjoyed ourselves immensely–I understand now why it’s so hard to get a reservation at this place.

After dinner we headed home, watched some TV and “went to bed.” It was a lot of fun. 😉

Sunday we met my sister and her boyfriend for brunch, spent the afternoon lounging on the couch (it was hot and humid in the city that day and we didn’t want to walk around) and then met some friends for dinner. Sunday’s dinner was as exquisite as Saturday’s–each dish was more interesting than the one before. After we ate we walked to our favorite neighborhood bar and near midnight we caught the bus home.

Months ago, when it was clear we couldn’t afford to go anywhere during our weekend without the kids, I thought long and hard about what I really love about being away for a few days. For one, a big part of going away is showing up at a clean hotel room and not having to worry about cooking or cleaning while I’m there. The house was all cleaned up from our party Friday and my husband made enough reservations that we didn’t have to eat at home, so we were able to enjoy that aspect of “being away” this weekend. Another thing I love about getting out of San Francisco is the feeling of escaping all the issues back at home. If I’m not at my house, the daily troubles don’t touch me. I tried really hard to get into that mindset this weekend, and I didn’t let myself dwell on some of the stuff coming up. I didn’t even do one load of laundry.

There were also some pluses to staying put while our kids were away–we were able to spend time with friends in ways that require a lot of planning when our kids are around. It was so nice to have brunch and dinner with other adults the second day; adding their voices to the conversation enlivened it and helped us to not get bored with one another. It also allowed us to try way more food on Sunday night.

The house was in immaculate condition this weekend and I realized that when it’s that clean I not only feel less stressed and more positive, but I genuinely enjoy and actually kind of love where we live. When our house is really clean it feels big and spacious and airy. It looks really nice. I think the kinds of things about it that I think about other people’s houses, houses that generally seem bigger and nicer and more expensive than mine. Realizing that I can feel that way about my own home was an eye opener. Now I just need to figure out how to keep it in good shape more of the time.

So the weekend was everything I needed it to be. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated for the last half of summer. I also find myself thinking more and more about the coming school year, both my own and my daughter’s. I definitely turned the corner this weekend and left the “summer has begun” mentality and entered the “summer is ending” mentality. Luckily I’m feeling, for the most part, enthusiastic and positive about the fall. I’m eager to start planning for some of my classes. I hope to visit school in the next few weeks, meet our new principal, check out my schedule, and get started ordering supplies (the PTA reimburses us for a certain amount of spending that can start in August, so I will be buying some stuff for work during my “ban” but all of it will be reimbursed once the school year starts). I’m glad we still have four weeks before school starts, but I’m ready to start thinking about it now.

I really hope my husband and I can maintain our reestablished connection. It would so help us get through the huge transitions that lay ahead.

Life/Marriage

35

Posted on by noemikjames / 26 Comments

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 35.

I spent the morning packing up my kids for the weekend at my parents. I spent my first hour without them getting a massage (it was heaven). Then I got a birthday present for my husband (his special day is Tuesday) and high tailed it to my house to engage in four hours of intense cleaning. I was barely showered and had not yet applied make-up when our first guests arrived.

Only four people came. I invited ten. A couple never RSVPed. A couple had sent their regrets. A couple canceled last minute. It was fun–my husband made incredible cocktails and the conversation was interesting–but I felt self conscious about how few people were there. I have confused feelings on this, because I specifically invited only closer friends, wanting the affair to be more intimate, but then I was sad when it ended up being very small and intimate. I’m still trying to figure it all out.

Please don’t think I spent the whole night sulking, because I did have a lot of fun. The best part was enjoying my husband with my friends. It was so wonderful to see him through their eyes, to be reminded of what a smart, warm, hilarious individual he is. It’s not that I don’t see that for myself, but there are so many other feelings layered on top of that view of him. It’s nice to look through my friends’ lenses and see what they see. He really is an amazing man.

It’s a good way to start the weekend with him, and I’m glad I had the party for no other reason than that. Remembering what “us” felt like before we bought a house and struggled to have kids and starting worrying about saving for the future–I needed that reminder and I appreciate it very much.

{The friend stuff I’ll have to untangle on a different day.}

But now I have to get ready for brunch. Then it’s walking around the city before an afternoon showing of Trainwreck (at a theater that sells drinks–woot!) and then on to a very swanky new restaurant that is really hard to get into (not sure how my husband did it). Tomorrow is much of the same, but we’re sharing our meals with my sister (my husband’s idea–so sweet) and hopefully some friends.

On Monday we plan on opening our joint accounts before we pick up the kids.

I think it’s going to be a good weekend.

{My budget post might not get up this weekend, but I’ll put it up early next week. I am still engaged in my spending freeze (with the exception of one present for my husband), but am finding the writing down of everything more and more tedious. I know I have to keep doing it–I recognize what a valuable and necessary exercise it is, especially as I embark on a savings budget in the coming months–but I’ve been feeling petulant about this past week so I’m a bit behind. I will catch up and post soon.}

{{And I know I’m also behind on responding to comments. This will probably not happen until early next week too–sorry or the delay!}}

Parenting & Family

Grasping at Straws

Posted on by noemikjames / 44 Comments

Things at home have been…challenging.

I don’t really feel comfortable writing about my daughter anymore. I wish I did, because I have SO MUCH to say. But I don’t, and a great many things will be left unsaid.

My son is becoming more and more a “big boy” every day. He can communicate most of his wants and needs with words now. We’re managing some hitting and a considerable amount of grabbing and frequent aggressive body stuff, but nothing out of the ordinary. He has meltdowns and tantrums, but they are manageable.

Watching him become a toddler lets me see what typical little kid behavior looks like. I am ever more aware of the ways in which things were not typical with our daughter.

We haven’t gotten an official report from the OT yet, but between what she said at the end of the assessment and what our PCIT therapist has mentioned (and the dots I’m connecting at home), I’m assuming my daughter is going to get some kind of sensory processing disorder (SPD) diagnosis.

I’ve been doing a little research on SPD. There is A LOT out there (thank you internet for NEVER running out of material on any subject, ever!). It’s overwhelming. As always seems to be the case, I don’t feel like I’ll ever really belong in the SPD community. These parents have it HARD, while I have it Hard (and parents of typical kids have it hard). Sure my daughter’s behavior is challenging and it absolutely disrupts her daily functioning, but it doesn’t derail her life in the way it seems to for so many of these kids and their families.

{I feel a lot like I did when I was struggling to conceive. My one ectopic and our prolonged, but relatively easy path to pregnancy, left me feeling like I didn’t belong with the fertiles or infertiles. I feel isolated and alone now like I did then.}

As much as I recognize our daughter’s challenges could be so much more debilitating, I’m also aware of how much we are struggling. Both of us. All of us. I’m feeling less able to handle the situation than I ever have before. I feel more hopeless and overwhelmed that I know how to articulate.

I think I always knew my daughter was a different than her peers, but when your kid is two or three or four the range of behaviors that are considered “normal” is wide. While I suspected that there was something more at play, a part of me hoped (desperately) that she’d just grow out of it. That’s what kids do, right? They grow out it.

It’s clear now, with our challenges intensifying every day, that my daughter is not going to “grow out” of any of this. She is who she is and she’s not going to wake up one day and magically be someone different. (I think I actually believed that was going to happen.) Her fifth birthday was the threshold for me–it’s when I realized that we needed to stop waiting and to start doing.

And we did, but professional intervention progresses slowly. We aren’t going to be making significant gains this summer, which is hard to accept, because I know the transition to Kindergarten is going to be brutal. I was hoping we’d make a little headway before we arrived at that massive milestone.

Perhaps it’s the slow progress of the therapy and assessments. Perhaps it’s realizing my daughter will never “grow out” of this. Perhaps it’s the looming overwhelm that is Kindergarten. Perhaps it’s a combination of the three. Whatever it is, I’m contemplating a change I’ve never seriously considered before, because it’s implementation seemed absolutely impossible.

I’m considering putting my daughter on a Gluten-Free/Casein (Dairy) Free Diet.

I considered doing this before, a number of times, and every time I determined that it just couldn’t happen. There isn’t a single meal my daughter will eat that doesn’t include one of these components. Most include both. We’re already concerned about her lack of weight gain and how skinny she is–tampering with her already limited list of approved foods seems like suicide.

But what if it helps? What if it makes all the difference? What if we can make the changes and once we do the results are remarkable? What if?

And what if nothing else does?

I brought it up with my husband. He was not happy. He thinks we’re grasping at straws. Angry words were exchanged. Resentful remarks were passed back and forth. No, it didn’t go particularly well. But in the end we decided to give it a try. Our first step will be to attempt to find a GF bread and GF pasta our daughter will eat, and to see if we can start substituting almond milk for cow’s milk in her favorite smoothie (small portions at a time).

The good news is that she already eats such a restrictive range of things, we don’t need an exhaustive array of GFCF recipes at the ready. If we can find a few staples she’ll eat, and properly wean her off gluten and dairy for an entire month, we can determine if we think it makes a difference. If we’re not sure, we will be when we start adding them back in.

Of course I just to Costco and bought a bagillion dollars worth of bread and pasta and dairy products. Blerg.

But after the weekend with my parents we’ll be introducing a few new items and seeing how it goes. My husband is open to trying this as long as it doesn’t cause our daughter stress. We will not be forcing her to eat something she isn’t interested in eating (like we could ever force her anyway). I’m sure incentives will be employed. I’m hoping we can find a few thing she’ll eat and actually be able to keep her gluten and dairy free long enough to determine if it has an affect on her behavior.

The reality is, this will be as hard for me as it is for her. It’s going to require I make a lot more food from scratch, separate shopping trips and not keeping food I love in the house (lest our daughter want to eat it). While my husband and I don’t have to follow a GFCF diet, we will be when we eat with our kids. (And we have followed much stricter diets before, so we know what how hard it can be.)

So that is where I am right now, staring down a path I’ve wanted desperately to avoid, only willing to venture down it because the alternative is even more terrifying.

What are your thoughts on elimination diets? Have you ever been on, or introduced to someone else, an elimination diet? Any tips or words or wisdom are welcome.