Not a Wasted Word

Thank you for the kind words on my last post. I know there are extenuating circumstances making life harder right now. I realize I have not mentioned that my husband is seeking mental health support at Kaiser. The process is slow and byzantine, but he’s taking the necessary steps (and filling out the endless, infuriating forms). Eventually he will ask about medication, but he can’t really do that yet; he’s not far enough along in the process. But he is getting there and that is HUGE.

In the meantime he has stepped it up a bit this week around the house. And I’m taking small but meaningful steps to clearing the clutter. I just need to insist on following through, on not leaving shit partly done all over the place. If I can just put the bag of clean laundry away right when I fold it that would be huge. Every night I clear off a surface that is causing me stress. Already the house feels a little more manageable.

Today I went for a run. I was going to (no staff meeting!), then I wasn’t (it rained all night!), then I was (it cleared up!), then I wasn’t (it’s still cold and a little cloudy and I forgot my running jacket!). I finally committed at the last minute (the sun came out again and I decided I’d probably be warm enough once I got started) and I’m so glad I did. I really needed the break from thinking about anything, and the time outside.

I got back home and my husband and I had a good talk. I had some time to work before my daughter got home from swimming and even though I was spinning my wheels a fair amount, I did get some stuff done.

Oh and this happened!

Tomorrow is my marathon teaching day, and my student teacher will be navigating her first full block period. She is supposed to be teaching two classes a day entirely on her own but at this point she needs me to teach the first one then she does the second one. It’s frustrating because this was supposed to be my big pay back for all the prep I lost, but it is what it is. Hopefully next week she can take both classes each day.

I really want to get to bed early tonight, so I’ll leave you with pictures of these cats, who have been quite the characters lately. The Christmas decorations have them all riled up.

I was at the dojo for four hours today, so this will be short.

I’m really in the weeds right now. At work. At home. Everywhere. Stuff is coming into the house and I have no where to put it. We still haven’t put everything back into the bathroom because the floor needs to be done, but the plumbers will be ripping out the floor in the downstairs kitchen next week, so a ton of stuff from in there needs to come out. I only just moved my warmer weather clothing into storage and pulled out my colder weather wear. I wanted to have everything more in order and it’s not and I’m disappointed in myself. But of course this month is packed and there is no way any of it is getting done any time soon.

My classroom is the same. Shit everywhere. Piles and piles of stuff. Grades are due and no one can tell us how to post them. Kids are still trying to turn in late work. I’m tired and I just don’t care anymore. I hate the week where we are teaching new stuff for the next trimester, but the last trimester is still technically not closed. I am so over loaded.

It’s only been two days and I feel like any lingering feelings of rest and relaxation from the break have evaporated. I’m already counting down the days until the next break, but will it really change anything?

Not if I don’t change something myself. That is the reality of it. I need to make the changes. It will all keep coming at me and I need to do things differently or I’ll always feel this way.

I wish I knew how to break these cycles. I wish I knew how to affect real change in my life. Instead I just keep doing the same stuff that makes me feel the same way and I wonder why nothing changes. Or I wonder when it’s going to change. But “it” won’t change. I have to. It’s important for me to remember that.

November is almost up and with it NaBloPoMo. I have some posts I wanted to get to and I’m realizing that even if I wrote one every night until Friday I wouldn’t be able to put them up. And there is no way I’ll write them this week, because grades are due and our new gradebook is the worst and I’m already overwhelmed and it’s only Monday.

I really do have some thoughts about this NaBloPoMo, about what amounts to me crashing this blogging community that already existed for a long time, after so many years of longing for some semblance of the blogging community I used to have. About how maybe I don’t need it as much anymore, because I have some really solid friends in the real world that I text with daily and see regularly. And maybe I do, because maybe blogging is about something different for me now, than the connection is used to provide. Suzanne asked, earlier in the month, about what blogging friendships have meant to those of us who write this way on the internet and I have so much to say about my own history of connection on the interwebs. Blogging friends were my only friends for a long time, or the only ones I interacted with on a daily basis. I have magnets on my fridge with pictures of blogging friends I ran a half marathon with in the summer of 2016. Two blogging friends were the only people invited to my wedding almost 10 years ago, who were not my parents or our friend who married us. There were years where my blogging community made up my whole social world.

And I’d love to write about why that was. About that special combination of sucking so hard at real world relationships, and needing to write to process my feelings. About how I can’t really articulate why I don’t need to process my life so vociferously these days. Why I don’t need to announce how I feel to the whole world so much anymore. Why most days I come here just to recap the day, a kind of writing I would never have engaged in 10 years ago. Back then I had thoughts and opinions and I needed to write thousands of words about them. These days I’m content to read a book or listen to a podcast. I just don’t feel the pull to create. I only have the head space most days to consume, and if I can manage to string words together, they won’t be about anything resembling a coherent thought.

Part of me thinks I need to shelve this post until I can finish it, but another part of me knows I won’t, and if I leave it on the shelf, I probably won’t take it down again, let alone send it out into the world. So maybe I’ll just press Publish even though it’s an incomplete (incoherent?) thought, sloppily tossed onto the “page,” and hope it’s not a total waste of everybody’s time.

I mean, it’s not like my recap of a busy week is that enthralling either. (winky face emoji)

Today was… not what I wanted it to be. I felt like I was spinning all day, just turning in circles but not getting anything done. I did finish the calendars, and ordered them in time to get the fourth one free. But I didn’t check the original one enough, so I kept making changes on the copies that I then I had to go back and make in the original. It was such a giant waste of time, and it could have been avoided if I had taken the time to really check the first calendar.

I make three different calendars every year, one for us (the original) and then one for my parents (very close to ours, I mostly just take off my in-laws’ birthdays), and one for my in-laws. The in-laws one requires a lot of editing, because I add photos of our niece and nephew. It’s a lot, but my in-laws love it and they do so much for us, so it’s truly a small token in the grand scheme of things. Since the hard part is making the calendar for my in-laws, I order a second copy for my sister-in-law. She seems to like it. I also designed and ordered the ornament (more on that later).

I pulled out some school stuff and quickly started truly spinning my wheels. Luckily I brought home last year’s planner so I was able to get more done than I would have (thank you me that went into work on Monday!) I looked over my to-do list for the first time since before Thanksgiving and was able to check off more than I realized. That made me feel a little better. But I know tomorrow is going to feel hectic and unorganized and I hate that. Boo.

I’m purposefully keeping my afternoon open tomorrow. No one is going to the dojo, so I can stay at work for a little bit after my last class. And I’m not working out so I’ll have time to get stuff done at home too. I’m hoping that by tomorrow night I’ll feel more settled.

It’s always hard to go back to work after a break. I’m not ready to go back, but when I think of how long ago Monday feels, I am reminded of how long I’ve been off. I just hope I don’t have to pay too high a price for not thinking much about work this past week. We shall see.

I took the kids (and a friend each) to WinterFest at Great America (the local amusement park) today. We had a great time. We went on a ton of rides and took pictures with the lights and Christmas characters. My son rode on his first roller coasters and loved them. It was super fun. And exhausting. I’m ready to stay home and do nothing tomorrow.

We listened to Christmas music on the way down and back. Listening to four kids belt Wham!’s Last Christmas was the icing on the holiday cake.

I’m trying hard not to fall into an end of break funk. This break has been fine. It’s been good! I feel like I’m not checking all the things off my to-do list, but I also feel like I’m using my time relatively wisely. I’m certainly not wasting it. And there have been plenty of very lovely moments. I think my “Five” this Friday will be highlighting the positives of this break, to help combat the end of break funk I feel creeping in.

The Calendar

I’m actually a little behind on the calendar, but I’ve gotten a rough draft of it done. And looking through the photos from this year, I am reminded of how much fun we’ve had on different trips. Our trip to the snow in February was a surprisingly good time. The 4th of July at my uncle’s “farm” in St. Louis with cousins was super fun. The week after in Charleston with my cousin and her kids was amazing. And our week in Hawaii with my husband’s friends was incredible. We also had a great time at Universal Studios. That is FIVE really awesome experiences that we shared this past year. We are very lucky, and I have tons of photos documenting it all.

Visits with friends and family

I had an impromptu visit with a friend earlier this week. Wednesday night we brought dinner to friends and met their new baby. Of course yesterday we were with my parents and long-time family friends (my dad’s best friend from childhood) for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow we’re going to my in-laws in the morning and spending the evening with the kids’ friends at Great America. It’s been a nice mixture of family time and seeing other people. I’m glad for that.

Productive purchases

I have quite a few things for the kids for Xmas already, all purchased at deep discount. I got my parents and sister tickets to a show at SFSketchFest (a regular Xmas present for my parents, because I’m always trying to get them experiences, not stuff). For Black Friday we got a tent and two sleeping bag at almost half off (we plan to go camping this year, with my son’s 4th grade National Parks Pass), a bigger memory card for the Switch, and a new neck/back massager for me (my old one has been sewn back together so many times, I just couldn’t fix it again). I also got my son two pairs of the Nike’s he wears to shreds, and my daughter a pair of Converse (for Xmas). Woot!

Runs in the sun

I ran twice, last weekend of the Great Highway and today at my favorite park. I haven’t been up to the park in a while and it was nice to be up there in the sun. It wasn’t even windy! I really needed to get out, and away from my family for an hour today, and was so happy to do it here.

Good TV + Reading

I watched Season 1 of Yellowjackets by myself and my husband and I are finishing Season 2 of The Bear. Both were stellar. My son and I finally started Season 2 of Loki, which is also great. I’m also listening to a really good audiobook (La Ciudad y la Ciudada – the Spanish version of The City and The City by China Miéville). My husband is reading it in English and it’s fun to talk to him about it (it has a very strange premise). It’s been nice to have the time in the evenings to watch some TV. I’ve also had some time (though not enough) to read my print book, which is also really good (a police procedural in Spanish called Las Madres).

Tackling the to-do list

I may not have gotten as much done as I wanted, but I have crossed off many a to-do list item. The tree is up and decorated (and withstanding the frequent assaults by the cats). {I am SO GLAD I got an extra box of the lights we use from Costco years ago – they change from white to colors and I love them and when half of one set went out this year I just grabbed the new box!} The TV is now secured to its stand (because said cats have started attacking it too). My daughter’s art nook is ready for her to create her three submissions (due mid-December!) The advent calendars and other treats for at least the first half of the month are ready for our Elf on a Shelf’s arrival (our Elf leaves little gifts to make the wait more manageable, she does not surveil bad behavior). The new bathroom tile has been chosen (this took WAY longer than expected) and will be ordered soon (I just have to ask the handyman some questions about quantity). A bunch of old junk got picked up. The outdoor couch (from the pandemic days) was retrieved by a new owner, leaving a ton of space in the shed. Stuffing was made and shared (yes I only bring over the simplest side dish). Christmas resents were purchased. My niece’s birthday present was ordered. The car was serviced. I ordered new glasses (including my first dedicated pair of reading glasses (with my astigmatism Rx included). FSA paperwork was submitted for the second half of the year (which will help pay for all those productive purchases!) It’s a lot of things! And they’re all done now!

And there are still two more days before I go back to work. Tomorrow is probably a wash, but Sunday I can get things done. Just writing all this out has definitely helped tame the End of Break Funk I was feeling. And now to finish Season 2 of The Bear!

Found this on Shutterfly, from 11 years ago. I don’t usually post photos of my kids, but I just can’t help myself.

I hope you had a great Turkey Day (if you celebrate).

After a weird and at times trying conversation with my husband in the car, we are with friends tonight. Our kids are home along and I appreciate this very much. and that might be it for today.

Please enjoy these photos of the deYoung Open, which we saw together.

My husband has been dealing with what we think is clinical depression for about a year now. Some days/weeks/months are better than others. Some are worse. We’re in a down swing right now. He’s struggling. Which means I need to step up, both pragmatically and emotionally. It’s been a lot. It’s throwing various wrenches in my week. I’m tired and wishing I could do more. And annoyed I have to do so much.

In the meantime my car was serviced. I took advantage of the Target near the car service place (and its sale) to get some presents. I cleaned the compost and recycling bins, which were so gross and smelled so bad every time I walked past them on the way to my room.

The kids and I put ornaments on the tree. Panther tried to knock a bunch of them down. I started the calendar on Shutterfly.

And I almost forgot to post today. I thought I’d have more time to participate in NaBloPoMo this week but it feels like I have less.

Trying to roll with the punches right now. Just trying to show up how and when people need me. Trying to get things done and chill out.

Today was all about helping future me out. I went to work to get some stuff done so that next Monday morning me was not totally overwhelmed (just normal overwhelmed probably). And I took the Basics and Form classes from someone who is sick today so I wouldn’t have to teach them in December. Neither were tasks I wanted to do, but now that they are done, I’m glad I did them.

I think a lot about “future me” and how I can help her out. I sometimes think about “past me” and how she did me a solid. Generally, in the moment I try hard to anticipate how I might be feeling later. Like with the martial arts classes – I knew I’d have more bandwidth, both physically and mentally to reach that class today than I would at any point in December. When the opportunity to take it today came, I took it immediately, even though a part of me was really bummed to have to do it during my break. I know December me is going to be so happy it’s done.

On a more frustrating note:

My SIM card stopped working mid-bus ride today and I’ve spent the last 90 minutes trying to figure out what to do about it. I can’t access Verizon’s customer support because they send me a text to verify my account when I try to log in and of course I can’t receive that text at my number. It’s the most infuriating Catch-22. My husband is now chatting with someone for me – thank god we’re on a family plan together – but it’s of course taking forever and may not resolve the issue. I do NOT handle this kind of tech failure shit well so it’s been frustrating.

The icing on the cake is that tomorrow I need to take my car in at 8:30am to get serviced. There is a Verizon store not too far away and I suppose I’ll just sit there until it opens tomorrow if need be. I did put my daughter’s SIM card in and my phone recognized it, so hopefully it’s the SIM card and not my phone’s SIM card reader. My iPhone is a 13! It should not be crapping out on me yet!

Sorry for the super short post, but it’s all I got in me today. The thought of being out in the world tomorrow without a car or phone is not a pleasant one.

UPDATE: My husband was able to get them to activate an eSIM in my phone so it’s working again. Thank goodness!

OTHER UPDATE: