Not a Wasted Word

It’s Sunday and my break is over. While I’d rather not be going to work tomorrow, I’m okay with the end of the break. I didn’t do as much around the house as I wanted and the clutter and chaos is starting to bother me, but I clearly needed to prioritize rest this week and I’m trying to be okay with my choices. I still have some work to do tonight, but I don’t think I’ll be cursing my choices tomorrow morning.

I have been struggling with reading lately. I’m having a hard time with Alas de Onyx (Onyx Storm in Spanish). I feel like I can’t remember the characters or the back story and I’m constantly confused. I finally read a summary of Iron Flame and while it reminded me of some important plot points, I still don’t feel like I know what’s going on in the third book. My daughter loved Onyx Storm though so I’m pretty sure this is a me problem.

I’m also really struggling with The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store, which is a book club book. I don’t know why but I never want to listen to it. I’m just not invested in any of the characters yet. I never am curious to know what happens next. I know this books was highly acclaimed and widely regarded as amazing so I’m not sure why I’m struggling so much. I just keep listening to old episodes or If Books Could Kill and Maintenance Phase instead of listening to real books.

I also keep buying clothes for myself, which I absolutely don’t need. And then the sizes aren’t right so I buy them in another size so I can return the first one I got, even though what I should be doing is JUST returning the original. I absolutely have too many clothes as it is, and even after filling an IKEA bag with items I rarely wear anymore. I still feel not great about the purchases. Having said that, I highly doubt I’ll be retuning it all once the new sizes come.

I’m not sure how I feel about my new medication. I wasn’t at work this week so it’s hard to know how effective it is. My new psych recommended I take a day off every week, to maintain efficacy, so I’m not taking it today. I guess this coming week I’ll have a better idea.

I also went to my first Adult ADHD Support Group via Zoom on Friday. The topic was “interrupting,” which is one of the things I still struggle with the most, so I was motivated by the topic. It was helpful to know this is an area where other people with ADHD struggle, I did not find much or the information helpful. While it was helpful to explore why I want to interrupt, and to learn the social dynamics of different kinds of interruptions, the suggestions to take three breaths before you say anything or to slow your thoughts down so you’re not bored or formulating what you’re going to say didn’t feel very useful. If I could slow by thoughts down or not be bored by every day interactions I absolutely would! Then I wouldn’t have any problems!

Back to prescriptions, yesterday was the last day of my two weeks of topical rosacea medication and I’m pretty sure I’m just going to flair up again because I had a mini-flair while I was using it. I guess we’ll see how I do, but I don’t feel very hopeful that this will keep my rosacea at bay in the long run, and I have a lot of reservation about long term low dose antibiotics, which is what I think was suggested as the next treatment. We shall see.

Today the 14yo has friends coming over but the 11yo does not so he and I will be hanging out a bit. I wanted to get him the LEGO Fortnite Battle Bus when he earned his red belt, but it has been sold out since a month before Christmas. It’s finally in stock and we can grab it from a store down by my work today, so that will kill time and give him something fun to do. I’m hoping to convince him of gettin rid of his snap ships so he has a place to put it too.

Bonus item, my dad shared this with me and it’s so spot on. As Homer Simpson once said, “I t’s funny because it’s true.”

Thanks again to Elizabeth for prompting these posts with her F.I.G. Collective! I literally just stepped in dog shit but I still need to publish this post so here we go. Needless to say, even with shit on my shoe, there was plenty to be thankful for this week.

SATURDAY 2/15 So happy it’s Saturday. And the start of my week off! The 11yo and I spent a couple hours at the dojo, but left early to see Dog Man with his friend. The 14yo joined us. We’ve read all the Dog Man books (in Spanish and English) many times, so it was fun to see the movie.

SUNDAY 2/16 The 11yo got moved up to level 6 in swimming! The 14yo never made it to level 6, I wondered if they ever actually moved kids up. But the 11yo made it and he got into the class at the same on Sundays so it’s kind of perfect. He’s a good swimmer, and I even though he isn’t currently interested in swimming on a team, I want him to have the option later. So I’m really excited that he made it into the stroke technique class, where they refine their strokes and work more on stamina.

Later my parents took the kids so the husband and I could hang out. I got to read for two hours! It was glorious. Then we both started working out separately, and came together for a couple strength classes. I was notified by Peloton that because I’m paying for the most expensive membership (so I can use it on my bike) I can create accounts for family members, which I did for my husband. It was the first strength class my husband has completed in a long time and I’m so glad he did it. I hope he keeps using his account, and all the equipment we have to build strength.

MONDAY 2/17 We finally got to try the chilequiles torta at the New Mexican spot (even though it wasn’t on the menu that day) and it was great, but not as good as their Torta Loca. I hope that is on the menu again soon.

I got to read a ton – I finished my book! – and we all watched Parks and Rec together.

TUESDAY 2/18 Yay for a day off! I got my new Rx and gave it a try. It’s not a panacea but it helps! And this week will not be a panacea either, but it’s definitely an opportunity to unwind from my tightly coiled daily head space. And I got some good things done, like taking the 11yo to the dentist, which I don’t love to do, but is much easier to get done when I’m not trying to book it out of work super quickly to pick him up. I much prefer having the opportunity to get it done this week.

WEDNESDAY 2/19 I watched a lot of Netflix and read. I also picked up a book my dad recommended, Ficciones by Jorge Luis Borges, which was at my library so I didn’t even have to put it on hold. The 11yo went to his grandparents’ house and I got some of the afternoon as well. At the dojo, we did a sensitivity class that I can use for my blocking class on Saturday, which I’m very thankful for because I am no good at teach blocking classes.

THURSDAY 2/20 It was beautiful, just like my weather app had been promising all week, so I went for a run. At first my regular route was closed so I went backwards assuming I’d have to just double back instead of running the circle, but then they stopped me on the way and told me they were closing what was behind me and opening the front of my route. Woot! I felt okay. Not great, but the side stitch I had at the start went away so I’ll take it!

FRIDAY 2/21 Today did not start out great. I slept past my alarms and was 20 minutes late getting up the 14yo, so I told her I’d take her to school, but then she didn’t need a ride, but I felt bad refunding my offer so I took her. Then I went to get bagels at Noah’s, except after I paid for a dozen, eight of which were plain, they told me they were out of plain. So I waited the 40 minutes for plain bagels only because I needed to wait for PerFo to open. But when it did there was no one to check us out, so after 15 minutes they finally told us it would be another 15 minutes, which I didn’t really believe so I left. My FIG here is that a truly fresh bagel (like right out of the oven) is heavenly. Also, even though I left all the perishables for the quick grocery trip I took to kill time in the trunk of my car (now for several hours), I bought a bag of ice in case the bagel debacle took longer than expected so I think it will all be okay! Definitely not the way I wanted to end the week, but I did get my nephew’s birthday present mailed today, and I even got everyone in my family to sign the card before they left this morning.

I just had lunch with my husband downtown at an amazing Latin Caribbean spot. I haven’t met him for lunch on a work day in a long time. Definitely a FIG.

This is a post about mental health and disordered eating. If those are not topics you want to tackle today, please step away.

Tuesday morning I had a video appointment with a new psychiatrist. I thought the appointment was just going to be a quick, “here is my ADHD meds history and this is why I want to try a new medication” chat. Instead it was an in depth psychological history that took over an hour.

I had to recount my years of clinical depression and all the SSRIs that didn’t help it. And the diagnosis of Bi-Polar II in college, and intense anxiety I had to manage with Zoloft while I was pregnant.

I had to revisit my many years of disordered eating and the despair I felt at my lowest points, when I thought every day of my life would be consumed by the desire to eat, but the certainty that I shouldn’t. She was surprised to learn that I never received the diagnosis of an eating disordered (because I hid it from everyone, including health care providers, and never reached a low enough weight that people were worried about me, instead of being thrilled by how I looked) and that I was able to break my disordered eating patters without professional help. And I did, but man were those years hard. It was a dark time and I’m thankful that I’m not there anymore. I’ve only revisited that mindset once or twice, for brief periods in the past 20 years, and both times I was so devastated to recognize those thought patterns that I immediate searched for supports to break them.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank all that is good in this world that my kids don’t seem to have any issues with body image. Do I wish they ate more whole foods, yes, but I was also a picky kid who eventually developed a broader pallet so that doesn’t bother me as much. And I don’t want to comment on their bodies, but I will say that they don’t give any reason for my mom (or my MIL for that matter) to make any passive aggressive comments about them. It feels like a cop out, because I’m not being forced to face the lingering fat phobia in my extended family, but I’m so thankful that I don’t have to with regards to my kids. (I do say things to my mom when she makes inappropriate comments about other people’s bodies, but I’m sure it would feel different if she were commenting on my kids’ bodies.)

{By the way, the podcast Maintenance Phase really helped me understand how misconceived, or downright false, the narratives around body size are and I highly recommend it to anyone who is trying to rewrite their own ideas about body size and health.}

And then we talked about my ADHD, and all the ways it has manifested in my life. Sometimes it’s still so hard to have it, and it’s all I can do not to waste my time wishing I didn’t have it, wondering what I’d be like if basic social and organizational skills weren’t so freaking hard. I said I would try an adult ADHD workshop through Kaiser, but I don’t actually believe they provide me with any suggestions I haven’t heard before. I know there are positives associated with ADHD, I’m sure my energy, enthusiasm and creativity have something to do with the way my brain works, but I’m pretty sure the positives are outweighed by the negatives, at least for me.

Sometimes I look back on my past and feel like I’ve left all the pain and diagnoses behind. Sometimes I think I’m not dealing those difficulties now only because things in my life are relatively stable. I try to focus on where I am now, and not dwell on where I might be in the future. I wish my mental health history was not so fraught, but it is, and in the last fifteen years things have been better. I attribute that to ADHD medication, skills I’ve learned along the way, and an incredible amount of luck.

When I was in my early twenties and really struggling, I would have found such solace in knowing that by 44 I’d have a stable job, a loving husband, two amazing kids, a decent relationship with food and a solid belief that I will be okay. I wish I could go back and assure her that things would get better. Because man, there were days when I really didn’t believe that. Those days were long and dark and I’m so grateful to have put them behind me.

It’s been great to post my February FIGS these past two weeks, but I’ve missed writing regular posts. This week I’m off, but the kids are in school, so I have some hours each day to get some stuff done. Of course my husband just came down with whatever the 11yo had last week, which means I’m caring for him, and waiting to feel sick myself. I’m sure to get it, since we spent a solid 24 hours together, I just hope I get it while I’m off and not next week when I should be back at work. It’s a really shitty week for my husband to be sick, and he’s still planning on going to a press conference today (in a mask), so let’s just say it’s not the relaxing atmosphere I was hoping for.

This week last year we were in Mexico City for a week without the kids. It was our first trip without them, and it was glorious. We’ve been remembering what we did each day and it’s been nice to revisit that time together. I’m so glad we got to take the trip. I hope we can travel together again sometime soon. (That trip was for our 10/15 anniversary, so I suppose in another 4 years we can celebrate our 15/20 anniversary! Eek!)

I have been trying to figure out what I want to get done during this break. I have some work tasks that have to happen, because Trimester 2 ends in two weeks, and the 7th graders go away to outdoor ed the last week of the grading period, which means all their work needs to be in the grade book now. I’d also like to get a couple biggish things done around the house, but I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself.

Yesterday ended up being pretty full of appointments and errands. I had a video appointment that ran way longer than expected, then I hit up the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription, and Costco afterward because they are right next to each other. The dentist office called saying they had an opening at 2pm for the 11yo, who missed his teeth cleaning last week when he was sick. It seemed like a decent time to go, he’d only miss an hour of school and we’d get it done while I was off, so I took it. That required picking him up and taking him to dentist. Then we got his favorite meal on the way home, which he ate before we headed to the dojo for several hours. We didn’t get home until almost 9pm.

Last night I slept horribly, but I still had to get up at 6:30am to get the 14yo up and eating breakfast, and to get both kids’ lunches ready. After I took the 11yo to school, I came home and tried to sleep and I did! I just woke up after over two hours of a sleep so deep that when I woke up I assumed I had slept past my alarms and was late getting the kids to school. I was so disoriented when I realized I was in my son’s room (I was sleeping in there because it is pitch black and my husband wasn’t sure if he was going to work or not yet). I really can’t believe I took that nap. I never can nap during the day, so my body clearly needed it.

Tonight I’m going to the general class at the dojo, then attending their quarterly board meeting. I have never been to the dojo’s board meeting (it’s a non-profit, so it has to have a board that meets regularly), but I feel like I’m participating so much now as a teacher, that I should probably start going. I love how my commitment to the dojo has grown in the past years, and I’m excited to honor that commitment more tonight.

My only other goal for today is to hit up the library to grab a book that my branch miraculously has. It’s drizzling now, so I’ll probably eat lunch and then head over there.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do with the next two days. I got some of my work done yesterday, and I’ll probably tackle some today. It’s the kind I can do with a show on in the background, so it will be nice to do that while no one is home.

I also have another post to write, which I started here and then decided should be moved to it’s own space. It’s kind of heavy, but since I started it I hope to finish it.

I have to admit, I like this random week off in February. It means we get out later in the summer, but I’d rather have more time off during the year, and a shorter summer, so I’m okay with it. I know not all teachers feel that way, so I’m glad I appreciate how it’s set up. I have a different spring break from my kids this year, which is a bummer in many ways, but which means I’ll get some more time like this in a early April. It helps me not get to worked up over how I use my time now.

You know, last week wasn’t that great, but every day I was identifying bright spots I could mention and it really helped my over all mood and outlook. This week has also been ROUGH, but again, I do feel better for pointing out, to myself and others, what I appreciate. I guess gratitude practice is all it’s cracked up to be! Thanks again to Elizabeth for prompting these posts with her F.I.G. Collective!

SATURDAY 2/8 My Teens class went well. I felt decent sparring. I made it through my form for the first time. The 11yo stayed for all the classes and participated. Book club was super fun and we had a great conversation about the book (Solito, by Javier Zamora). The husband caught up on Severance so we could all (14yo, husband and I) watch tougher. It was a full, and good, day, full of meaningful connection with people I love.

SUNDAY 2/9 The weather was so beautiful that I felt I had to go for a run. And it was okay! Not great but definitely the best run I’ve had since it all went to shit a couple months ago. It gave me hope that I might feel good running again. I’ll take hope!

Also I was thankful that I had asked my GP for an Rx prescription – and received that prescription in the mail – before I woke up to a big flair on Sunday. I was able to treat it immediately and 48 hours it looked better! (Now, almost a week later, my skin looks great!)

Finally I was thankful that the 14yo had friends over, and my husband watched the Super Bowl with the 11yo so I had time to get work done on Sunday afternoon.

MONDAY 2/10 I was very thankful that my husband was able to stay home with our sick son, and that I was able to prep at work for a day away. I even got a sub that I know. It suck’s to be away from work, but it was not a bad week to miss a day.

Later I was super stoked that I remembered to get my EKG and lab test in the 30 minute waiting window after the my allergy shot. I had totally forgotten about it, but then I remembered just in time to get the EKG before they closed. I needed to get both before my appointment with the new psychiatrist to talk about changing my medication and I really don’t want anything to postpone trying new medication. I’m so glad I remembered while I was already there and don’t have to go back again this week.

TUESDAY 2/11 What a day! But I swear these are genuine, and not passive aggressive moments of gratitude. I swear!

I was so relieved to get a sub so I could stay home with the 11yo. I hate when my colleagues have to cover for me. I’m grateful my (first!) mammogram didn’t hurt much, and that the results were “nothing to worry about here.” I’m was also so happy that the bearded dragon ate a bunch. He hasn’t been eating much, and is very old, so I worry about him. But he ate so much! Hooray!

I was grateful to realize the spring on the garage door had broken at 6pm, and not the next morning so I could get a replacement spring that night. I’m grateful I was able to get the car out of the garage (thank you old Japanese shade for being tall enough and strong enough to hold it open) before my husband came home. I’m grateful that a Home Depot nearby had what I needed and that it was late so there was not traffic on the bridge to Emerycille. I’m glad I could make it work, even though the spring I got was actually too long. It’s not perfect but it will do! Honestly I’m most thankful that no 5r4one was hurt when the spring broke. It’s so old and I knew it would give at some point. I’m so glad no one was in there to get hurt.

WEDNESDAY 2/12 I so appreciated that my husband stayed home with the 11yo again so that I could go to work, and then that our staff meeting was “department time” so I could sneak out early and get the 14yo to her dentist appointment. I also really appreciated my husband being okay with me going to the dojo, since he’d already been home with the 11yo all day. Oh and I almost forgot! At school a trio of Black musicians and dancers came for an assembly and in the end all the kids came out to dance! It was so wonderful to see. Not only was there no attitude or inappropriate behavior/remarks, but the kids seemed to genuinely enjoy it. The staff also came out to dance and nobody took photos to post later. It was a really positive experience and put me in a good mood.

THURSDAY 2/13 Again I was SO GRATEFUL that my husband stayed home for a third time (for the 11yo’s FOURTH DAY at home) so I could go in a complete a grueling day. It was long and it sucked, but I was so glad to be there for it. It would have been a disaster with a sub. Oh, and I slept through the night! I don’t even remember waking up to pee. And I was asleep around 11pm so I got SEVEN STRAIGHT HOURS! It definitely helped me get through the day. Also, the 11yo didn’t throw up! So he gets to go back to school tomorrow! THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!

FRIDAY 2/14 Could I be more thankful that the 11yo is at school today? No. I have exceeded maximum gratitude. Truly! He is finally well! I’m thankful the storm passed and today wasn’t rainy. We need the rain, but some days off in between are always welcome. I love that my mom made the kids Valentine’s bags full of fun treats. She always gave me a nice Valentine’s Day card and little gift and it helped take the sting off a day that always left me feeling lonely and unloveable. It made me happy to see my kids get something fun too, and made me remember how much I appreciated her thoughtfulness on this day when I was a kid. And of course, while I still don’t love this “holiday,” I do love that I have a partner now to say Happy Valentine’s Day too. Finally, I could not me more impressed with the 14yo, who lets friend drama roll off her back and embraces opportunities to hang out with everyone, even if it can feel complicated. Yay for her Galentine’s Day party tonight!

A big thank you to Elizabeth for prompting me to write down and share things I’m grateful for this month. Here is week one:

SATURDAY 2/1: I grateful the 11yo got his red belt today, that he was allowed to test last week despite not signing up, and that he got to celebrate with all his friends. I am so proud of him. I’m also grateful that the 14yo wants to hang out with me, and loves shows that I love. I know any of my mom friends would die for a relationship with their daughters like I have with mine.

SUNDAY 2/2: I am grateful that the 11yo got into Sunday swim lessons at 10:55. It’s a great time, because we don’t have to rush, but we’re still done before lunch. It’s so nice to get him out of the house on a weekend day, especially when it’s a wet one like today.

MONDAY 2/3: I love my dojo and the people who make it such an amazing place to learn, and to teach (or to learn to teach!).

TUESDAY 2/4: Thank you Apple Cash, which allowed me to give the 14yo money when I forgot to put her lunch in her backpack this morning. Also thank you to the 14yo for being so cool about it.

WEDNESDAY 2/5: I am thankful that everyone was there for the assessment in 6th period. It’s the first time that has happened this year! There have been so many students out this winter, I can’t believe they were all there today.

THURSDAY 2/6: Everyone was there for the assessment in the second class! So I don’t have to provide a make up for this assessment! These kinds of assessments are a PITA to make up, and every time so far I’ve had to but not this one! Hooray! Also I slept decently and woke up feeling refreshed. I haven’t slept decently in so long, it felt so good to wake up Thursday morning.

FRIDAY 2/7: Today I was invited for drinks after work and I could go because (a) I wasn’t planning on working out, (b) the 11yo wasn’t going to the dojo and (c) he can stay home by himself. It was good to hang out with colleagues for a couple hours after a long week.

Oh and I slept through the night again! Two nights in a row. I hope it keeps up!

I have to admit, reading everyone’s blogs in January made me wonder what was wrong with me. I could barely manage to write a post a week, and never wrote goals for the year, let alone for the month. I felt like I could barely manage the bare minimum in basically every area of my life, work, home, and family. Every day I struggled to get up in the morning, while everyone else wrote detailed goals in different areas of their life, and then CHECKED IN WITH THEIR PROGRESS! Meanwhile, I am proud of myself when I show up to work in the morning.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I am over it.

Actually, I do have some idea what my problems were last month. I got a sinus infection. And then the antibiotics I took gave me a yeast infection (they were also responsible for the disappearance of my rosacea, so maybe that was a wash, except my rosacea is back now). The fires in LA were horrifying, especially since all my college friends live down there, and many of their family members lost everything. And of course the last two weeks of the month have been a nightmare with the new administration throwing America’s institutions into their roaring dumpster fire. So yeah, I guess I do know why last month sucked.

I guess I don’t understand how everyone else is managing to get on with their lives (which is what they should do), while I flounder and feel like shit.

But there are some things I did last month, some of them could have been goals! And I’m better off for having done them. They were:

I did my Strong Glutes program 2x/week repeating the first and second weeks, as suggested.

I cleaned the downstairs (because I was hosting a friend, but still! I finally got it done!)

I hung out with friends a few times, and with my parents twice. I definitely want to prioritize connection this year, and there was plenty of quality time with people I like and love in January.

I responded to all the comments on my blog. I didn’t write very much, so there weren’t many comments, but I still did it.

I made changes to my sleep situation in an attempt to take back the 3-4am hours.

I made an appointment to see a new psych in the city to change my meds.

I tried to make an appointment to take the cats to the vet the week I’m off after President’s Day, but they are closed for renovations. But still, I tried!

Oh and today I emailed my GP with pictures of my rosacea, because I’m finally willing to fight for my skin, after being reminded of how nice it can still look.

These are acts of self-care! I am trying, even though a lot of the time I feel like shit.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack. And articulate a couple priorities for this coming month, so I can feel good about getting them done. I get a week off in February, and four of those days my kids have school. I should especially make some goals for that week.

In the meantime, I have continued to work out, though I’m not sure I’m going to keep writing out my weekly workouts here. I’m not quite sure what the point for doing that is, since I don’t actually say much about any of them. I wonder if a monthly accountability buddy (like Engie does) would be more helpful , since the main reason I think it would be interesting to keep tracking them, is too look back at what I’ve done, and looking back at a month, instead of a week, would be easier.

I am going to participate in Elizabeth’s F.I.G. Collective, because I definitely could use some gratitude practice right now. I think I’ll post them on Fridays, the month ends on a Friday. I hope to write them day by day, so I’m not scrambling after the fact to remember something, because I think the daily practice of identifying things I appreciate is what I most need.

So there you go. I’m still not in a great head space, but I am attempting to pull myself out of the hole. I’m really hoping February is better than January.

I have to admit, I’ve struggled to show up here. As I’ve struggled to show in pretty much all areas of my life. I just don’t want to do anything these days. Which makes doing everything feel really hard. And getting thoughts on a page is hard! I lot harder than folding laundry…

I started writing a response to Jenny’s Best Years Ahead? post but it got dark fast. So I’m going to table it for now and revisit it when I’m feeling a little better. (Also I started this post on Saturday afternoon! But only just finished it now, late on Sunday night.)

For right now, some shards of light pushing through the grey of my mood lately.

The 11yo tested for his teen red belt yesterday. He wasn’t planning on testing but when we got there (I was assisting) he found out everyone at his level was testing so he asked if he could and was given the okay. On the one hand I’m so glad he didn’t get left behind. On the other hand it’s a big deal and I wish we’d had some of the lead up to it. Of course, the lead up can be stressful, so it’s probably for the best. I’m proud of him and I hope he keeps feeling positive and proud about what he can do at the dojo.

The 14yo changed ADHD medications from Ritalin to Concerta and is really noticing the difference. She didn’t have homework two nights this week because she actually got her work done in class! I’m so glad she’s responding well to the new medication, and trying to push down the guilt about waiting so long to try a new medication.

I have been thinking about trying a new medication and now I am 100% ready to make the change. I’m excited to try something new because I don’t feel like my medicine has been as effective lately (and when I say lately, I mean this school year). It feels good to committed to this after waffling about it for so long.

I took the weighted blanket off our king bed and I think it has helped my back pain and my allergies. I wondered for a long time if I should take it off, but couldn’t commit. Now I finally decided to just give it a try already. It’s definitely weird to not have that feeling of closeness that I really enjoyed, but I haven’t been tossing and turning as much at 3:30-am this week. We’ll see if it seems to help next week (when the placebo affect will have worn off, if that is really what was helping.)

My rosacea is a lot better right now, in fact it’s almost completely gone?! I forgot how nice my skin is when it’s not covered in pustules. I have no idea why it’s better right now; the only change is that my mom got me a Blissful pillowcase for Christmas, because she heard it could help with skin problems. Maybe it has helped? It’s literally the only thing (that I know of) that has changed.

My friend came over last night and we watched a movie and talked and it was so nice to connect with her. She is a really good friend, and I feel like I haven’t seen enough of her lately. I’m so glad it worked out for her to come over while my husband was hanging out with his friend, the 11yo was at his friends’ house and the 14yo had two friends sleeping over. We all got friend time!

I recently listened to The History of Sound and absolutely loved it. It’s a series of short stories that are interconnected in sometimes small, sometimes significant ways. Ed Helm, Jenny Slate, Nick Offerman and Chris Cooper are among the narrators. I don’t usually like short stories, but I was transfixed by this book. I highly recommend the audio book version of it. Also I’m doing the slow read of War and Peace (via Footnotes and Tangents) that Lori recommended at the beginning of the year. I got my mom a subscription (and a three volume copy of the book) for her birthday too, so we’re reading the book, and discussion posts, together. I have to admit, I’m already liking it! When I think that I will still be reading it this spring, and summer and this Christmas, it’s a real head trip. I’ve never read a book over a whole year before, and I welcome the new experience.

WEEKEND

It was a lovely weekend, one full, fun day and one do-nothing chill day. And of course today (Monday) is still the weekend! I am so thrilled to have an extra day off.

All this is great, but I’m still struggling to get a goddamn thing done. My house is a shambles. I have so much work to do. I’ve barely been working out. And yet, the only think I want to do is listen to audiobooks while I play games on my phone, read a real book or watch TV. That is pretty much all I did yesterday.

Actually I wrote that and then remembered that I worked out and changed all the beds and did a ton of laundry. Sure there was a ton of other stuff I could have done, but I didn’t do nothing.

The two SketchFest shows on Saturday were great. Julie Hegarty couldn’t make it to the live read of Airplane! (she had to be evacuated because of the fires in LA), but the cast was incredible and the show was amazing. We all laughed a lot. It was definitely fun to see it with my parents, who I know appreciated the event. We went out for a later lunch after, then they picked up the kids after the dropped me off at home.

That night we went to a friend (from the dojo)’s birthday downtown. He is my rank and one of the two people I’ve been training with a lot this past year. I was excited for my husband to meet some of my dojo community, because he is never really there and doesn’t know any of them. It was a perfect introduction for him – short and low stakes.

We left the party early to see Chris Flemming at the Great American Music Hall. His stand up show was incredible. I haven’t laughed that hard, for that long, in a many years. I’m so glad we saw that show.

Sunday we didn’t do a goddamn thing until 4:30ish when the kids came home. I did end up changing the all the beds and doing even more laundry (I have done SO MUCH laundry this weekend). Today I’m taking the kids to the Great Highway for a run/bike ride. I haven’t run since the break (two weeks!) and I’m hoping I don’t feel like shit on a shoe. It’s only four miles, so I’ll make it regardless (I finished my five days of antibiotics this morning, and I am feeling better, so fingers crossed). UPDATE: I ran and the weather was beautiful and I was happy to be outside, but I did not feel great. Maybe it will never feel good to run again?)

WORKOUTS

M: Strong Glutes Program Week 1: Routine 1 (she recommends you repeat weeks 1 and 2) + 15 min Hip Mobility w/ Hannah Corbin

Tu: Sparring concepts + Sparring

W: 45 mins Intervals & Arms w/ Tunde + 10 min Stability Ball Ab Workout

Th: Strong Glutes Program Week 1: Routine 2

F: 40 mins on the Elliptical + CG Dead Bug Routine

Sa: SKETCHFEST!

Su: 10 min Tabata ride w/ Tunde + 10 mins Arms & Shoulders w/ Jess Sims + 10 min Stability Ball workout + Strong Glutes Program Week 2: Routine 3.

This week was not great. And here are four paragrahps about how it was not great (and one about the ways it was okay).

BODY. My back is hurting again, weirdly on the right side, and my piriformas syndrome is lingering. My sleep has been shit. I wake up at 3:30am and can’t fall back asleep. I toss and turn for half of my “sleeping” hours. I have stress dreams about work. I just want to sleep for six straight hours. Is that too much to ask? The shitty sleep is making me moody and irritable.

WORK. To say I feel underwater would be a vast understatement. There is so much to do and it’s all my doing. I have so much work to do this weekend and I’m resentful about it, but I don’t know how to not do all these things I’m doing. My worst class is driving me crazy. Today one of them stole one of the blocks in the new block calendar I got for work. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, except I COVERED ALL THE ENGLISH DAYS AND MONTHS WITH THE SPANISH WORDS ON LABELS! I was so happy with how it turned out (you may remember I had to replace my flip calendar, which was ALSO stolen from my room). It makes me crazy when my students steal from me, especially some dumb shit that they have no need for, which means they took it out of spite.

HEALTH. I finally called an advice nurse on Tuesday, to ask for a Rx for what I suspected was a sinus infection. The Rx was ordered that night and I was thankful because the next day I finally started feeling the tell-tale pressure and pain on the right side of my face. I’ve been taking antibiotics for 2.5 days now and am finally feeling better. (My husband also got an Rx, but still feels pretty shitty.) Truly, whatever we got was really nasty. Do not recommend.

MOOD. As you can probably tell, I’ve been very much down in the dumps this week. I’m sure the biggest culprit is the lack of solid sleep. My husband has been in a shit mood, which puts me in a shit mood. The 14yo has been trying our patience (as 14yos are supposed to do), and it’s been hard to compartmentalize her attitude, especially when my husband is rage texting me about it. (Okay, rage texting is probably overkill, but it’s definitely angry texting). Also, my SIL is going through a messy divorce and I feel horrible hearing about all the bullshit her husband is putting her through. My poor in-laws are really struggling. It’s awful. I haven’t even wanted to workout, which usually is my happy activity, that makes me feel better. No so much this week.

BRIGHT SPOTS. But not all was lost! I can’t write an entire post all about the shit. It would be disingenuous, not to mention a giant bummer to read. So, some bright spots: I was able to pick up my daughter’s new Rx, and my Rx, and my husband’s Rx all in the same trip, which felt like a miracle. I was only there 30 minutes too! I’m working out on the elliptical right now because we have a new dojo carpool and they brought the 11yo TO AND FROM the dojo tonight. I cannot tell you how happy that makes me. It’s a three day weekend and I’m so happy for the extra time at home, and less time at work. Tomorrow I’m seeing two Sketchfest shows, and my kids are going down to my parents’ house, so Sunday morning will be delicious. I really do think next week will be better than this week. Onward and upward, as they say.