Attempting an alternating week schedule

This is a scheduling/planning post. If scheduling/planning is not your think, feel free to skip this one.

So my daughter started boxing last month. This is great because she REALLY needed some regular physical exercise and this activity provides that, while also allowing her to see a good friend who is at a different school. Of course it also means I have another two activities to figure out every week, on top of an extra martial arts practice for my son, who is preparing for his red belt (!!) test.

We usually figure out a weekly schedule and stick with it. For example, all fall my son went to martial arts on Monday and Wednesday. I also went on Wednesday (same time as my son) and Saturdays. My son had soccer practice on Friday and games on Saturday.

I have staff meetings every other Tuesday and one professional development meeting a month on Wednesday. And of course other things come up, like my monthly allergy shot and other appointments.

I liked this schedule well enough, and I probably wouldn’t have thought to change it, except that my son was missing the only two high belt extra lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays because we never went to martial arts on those days. So during the winter break, I decided I’d start bringing him on Thursday. And since he doesn’t like to go twice in a row, we’d stop going on Wednesday. This was kind of a bummer since that was the one time a week we could train at the same time. But I was so stoked to have my early release afternoon on Wednesday to run, so I thought it was probably worth it.

Except it really is nice to train at the same time… so when they announced (a couple weeks ago) another high belt lesson on Mondays, I wondered what I should do. Should I taking him on Thursday so he could get two high belt lessons a week (and get to keep running on Wednesday)? Or should I switch us back to our Wednesday double dojo day? My daughter’s new boxing schedule also impacted this because they go on Monday and Thursday, which meant I could never help with the transportation.

Then I wondered, what if one week I did one thing, and the other week did the other?

And then I plotted out an insane alternating week schedule that allows us to go to the dojo together some weeks, and allows me to run at 1:30pm on my early release Wednesdays some weeks. This is the schedule:

WEEK “A”WEEK “B”
MondayW at dojo
B at boxing (I drive?)
W at dojo (I drive)
B at boxing (E drives)
TuesdayStaff MeetingRUN
WednesdayW with grandparents
RUN
Double dojo day
ThursdayW at dojo (I drive)W with grandparents
B at boxing (I drive)
FridayW at soccerW at soccer
SaturdayDouble dojo morning
(I stay long – H picks up W)
Double dojo morning
(I stay short – W waits for me)
SundayRUN
Alternating Week Schedule FTW?!

As you can see, it’s either crazy or genius or both. (It’s probably not genius). It’s complicated in and of itself, but it’s even more complicated because there are carpools, and grandparent afternoons, affected by this. On the old schedule my son always got picked up by his grandparents to spend the afternoon at their house on Tuesday, because I have my staff meeting every other Tuesday. Now he goes to their house on the Wednesdays that I run, and the Thursday of the next week, so that I can take my daughter and her friends to boxing on that Thursday. We also have a carpool to the dojo on Mondays, but that hasn’t been as consistent. On the days they take the boys to the dojo, I’d like to take the girls to boxing.

And of course, this all works fine and well when my district follows it’s every-other-Tuesday-staff-meeting schedule, which ALMOST always happens. But of course next month it doesn’t happen for some weird reason, and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. I also have the kids’ physicals scheduled on a Wednesday next month…

But it’s not like our weekly schedule didn’t need to get moved around every once in a while. I’m sure I can move things around on this schedule too. And some things, like my runs, can be moved around (or skipped) easily.

The good news is my in-laws are super flexible and don’t mind me changing the day they pick up our son. I just have to let them know on Monday what we need that week.

There are other points of flexibility too. The kids can miss a martial arts or boxing class here or there. I can miss a run. Things can be moved around.

This is our second week of trying out this new schedule. Last Wednesday I took the boys to the dojo and I went to class too. It was nice to get our training all done at once, but getting there on time was stressful and biking home in the dark with two boys on the bike is not my favorite. Yesterday I got to run, it was beautiful out and I very much appreciated the time in the sunshine. I also appreciated spending the afternoon with my daughter while my son was with his grandparents. Today my friend is taking the girls to boxing while I take my son to the dojo. Next week I’ll take the girls to boxing on Thursday while my son is with his grandparents.

We’re making it work, and this alternating schedule might give me the best of both worlds. Or it will make my head spin until I puke. We shall see.

How do you make your schedule work? Do most weeks look the same, or do you alternate or otherwise change things up?

A weird week (after a nice weekend)

This week is a very weird week at school. About half the 7th and 8th grade students are going to Outdoor Education, and the remaining 7th and 8th grade students are going on walking trips and doing other activities in groups. Since four of my five classes are 7th and/or 8th grade, I’m one of the teachers taking students on the walking trips. It’s going to be so weird to be at school, but not have any of my regular classes. In the past just the 7th graders went to Outdoor Ed, so I would still have my 8th grade classes, though I might be covering something random here or there. I’ve never had an entirely different schedule before. It’s going to be very weird.

But I like weird. I like different. I’m ready for a week of being outside.

And then next week, we have our Mid-Winter Break! (I guess that is what we’re calling our Presidents’ Week now…) So it’s two weeks of “rest,” which I need right now.

We’ve been enjoying our annual February heat wave. I swear we get a week of “uncharacteristically” warm weather every February. If it happens every February, is it really “uncharacteristic”? This one seems long though. It started last weekend and stayed strong all week. It’s been in the low 70s! Which honestly is warm for San Francisco, even in the summer. I’ve been reveling in it. It’s been a COLD winter, teaching with the windows and doors open. This past week I took my jacket off in my classroom for the first time in weeks!

I had a nice weekend. Yesterday I got the house to myself for three hours! This almost never happens and I panicked about how to spend the time for a while, before deciding to read a book outside in the sun for half of it, and tio watch a Spanish show for the other half. It was a delightful afternoon.

Today I ran early (for me anyway) at 9:30am, then came home and got us ready to go for an afternoon in Oakland while my husband made us brunch. We ate before we left, then drove to Lake Merritt, where we walked the three mile loop in the 70* weather. Then we spent 2.5 hours in the Oakland Museum of California. It was, of course, Super Bowl Sunday, which meant the crowds were light both at the lake, and the museum. The kids totally crushed the walk and the museum. I was ready to head home before they were! It’s so nice that they have the stamina for such a long afternoon. They are really good in museums too. They are always very interested in the exhibits, and today was not an exception. We had a really nice time.

The Golden Gate Bridge all dressed up on a Sunday.
My husband took these for me as we crossed the Bay Bridge. She really is a pretty city.

And now it’s Sunday night and I’m wondering if I could fall asleep if I tried to right now. Saturday morning I slept until 10am! I never do that anymore, but I guess I needed it. Sunday morning I was up at 7:30am, because I knew I needed to get out the door early to run, and I know it takes me a couple of hours to do that on a weekend. So maybe I can fall asleep relatively early tonight.

I hope you all had a nice weekend as well!

Some days I just…

Some days I want to come here and write and I’m not sure exactly why. What do I want to say? I have other stuff to do right now, but I opened this page in my browser instead. Which would be fine if I had something to get off my chest but I don’t really. I’m honestly not sure how I feel right now. Do I think writing will help me clarify?

My leg / glute / lower back is bothering me again. It never really went away, but it’s much worse than it has been. I’m really frustrated by it. I’ve never had a pain like this. I’m not sure how it originated. I’m not sure why it’s not going away. I’ve thrown a ton of money at it (new running shoes, chiropractor appointments, a psoas release stretcher, a seat for the car), I’ve spent a lot of time on it (chiropractor appointments and stretching, so much stretching). I’ve changed my workout routine to incorporate more yoga. Nothing seems to help. It’s really, really bumming me out.

I was also reminded last week that perimenopause is still… a thing I am dealing with? I mean obviously I didn’t think it was over yet; it just started and it will be years before I’m out of it. I guess the thing is, the obvious effects come and go, but I the hormonal fluctuations are probably wreaking more havoc than I’m aware of on a regular basis. I definitely need to remember that.

Last weekend I made a costly and embarrassing mistake and I’ve been trying to manage the shame I’ve felt about it in a healthy, self-compassionate way. I’m sorry to vague blog about it, but it’s taking up a lot of mental space and emotional energy so it feels too hard to not mention it. (I really loathe reading this kind of shit, so I really am sorry to write about it this way). It was just a reminder that no matter how far I’ve come, there is still a part of me that will never move past my shortcomings. It’s incredibly dispiriting to realize that at 41. I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress in so many areas of my life, and then I do a dumb thing and feel so ashamed.

I’m trying to honor where I’m at and take the mistake seriously, instead of just sweeping it under the rug. But it’s hard. I don’t have the mental or emotional reserves right now, and professional mental health help is so hard to find (and afford!) at the moment.

Finally, one of my kids is having a hard time again and I’m reminded that I do not have “easy” kids and that everything in my life is A LOT harder if your kids are hard. Really and truly, whenever my kids are in a good place I am delighted (and kind of shocked!) by how much easier everything else seems. I think people who have “spirited” (or neurodivergent) kids probably don’t fully realize how exhausting it is, because it’s just what parenting feels like for them. (But then they read some blog posts and want to throw their computer at a wall? Or is that just me?)

My friend’s first daughter was so low key and chill. She always seemed kind of confused by my comments about parenting – she could tell that my daughter was different from hers but didn’t think it could possibly make that much of a difference. Then she had her second child and now she gets it. She said something to me about it recently and it was very validating. Having highly reactive kids that react strongly to pretty much anything, at any time, is truly exhausting. It really, really wears on parents.

And none of that takes into account all the thinking you do about whether or not it’s your fault, or what the future will look like if things don’t get better… like maybe if you had just made better choices none of this would be happening, or maybe if you start making better choices now, things will be better later. Corralling that kind of thinking is exhausting in and of itself. And then there is the conversations with your spouse about how to manage it, and the attempts to get professional help if think it might actually improve the situation. It’s just a lot, and whenever I’m in the thick of it, I’m struck by how all-consuming it can be. I guess I’m lucky that our struggles ebb and flow – we do get respites here and there and that really helps.

So I guess all that is what I wanted to write about? Nothing feels processed, but maybe I can get some work done now. It’s Wednesday, so this is my long, block-period prep which I need to take advantage of because tomorrow I have NO PREP, and my students are taking their final Trimester 2 assessment, so I have a lot to prepare.

I guess I’ll just hit publish then.

Some follow ups on (probably unpopular) thoughts

Thanks you for the conversation last Thursday. One thing I thinks is clear, is that different people are having different experiences in different parts of the country. I live in city that has been held up as paragon of low death rates during the pandemic. More people have died of overdose during the pandemic in San Francisco than Covid. The Bay Area was one of the first to shut down in March of 2020, and we’ve continued to “take this seriously” ever since. San Francisco Unified School District was also one of the last to return to in-person learning, and when we did, our students got far less time in classrooms than their peers even in other parts of the Bay Area. People here are still very cautious – most people wear masks while walking around outside, and even in large open spaces like parks or the beach. My call for us to start talking about “off ramps” is very much in response to my lived experience here in the Bay Area. I would probably not be so worried about managing an eventual “return to normalcy” if I lived in an area where things already were starting to feel normal. Where I live, they are not.

Which brings me to some of the backlash surrounding this conversation, which generally seems to be around timing. I do want to reiterate that my post was not a call to end any and all restrictions RIGHT NOW. I know that, at least where I live, it’s going to take a LONG time for us to come out of this mentally and emotionally. If we start talking about it now, maybe when mask mandates are relaxed, those people who stop wearing them won’t get dirty looks from those who are continuing to wear them, and may continue to wear them indefinitely. We have a long way to go where I live, and we need to start having the conversation at some point. Starting these conversations now seems reasonable to me, even if it will be a few months, at least, before we could actually start relaxing restrictions. If we start talking about this stuff now, maybe we could put metrics in place for changing behaviors.

So, shall we engage in some light whataboutism? Why not.

Why not wait until the 5 and unders can be vaccinated?

It looks like vaccines might be available for our youngest cohort soon, maybe even in the next month. Of course their pending arrival is not being met with elation of past approvals, and currently only 25-30% of parents intend to vaccinate their children under 5 years old. But I understand that for those families who fear the worst outcomes, vaccinating their under 5 year olds is necessary for a return to normalcy. I’m so glad that those parents will have that chance soon. I know a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when my kids were vaccinated, and even though I was never that fearful of them catching Covid. So I do think this milestone is necessary for us to move on, but only so the families who want to vaccinate their younger kids can feel safe. If the rate of vaccination for 5-11 year olds is only 25% at this point, I don’t think can expect vaccinations for younger kids to help us reach the level of “immunity” required to hasten community spread significantly.

But what about the crazy high rates of hospitalizations and deaths!

Obviously omicron is still raging in the United States. Sure we’re on the downward slope of the wave, but the wave was massive and our daily case rates are still much higher than what they were during the worst of the Delta wave. And hospitalizations rates and deaths are also very high in most of the country. The thing is, the vast majority of those hospitalizations and deaths are among the unvaccinated. These are people who have had almost a year to get vaccinated and are still not, for whatever reason. If we are changing our behaviors to keep people from being hospitalized and dying, and the vast majority of people being hospitalized and dying are unvaccinated, then we are asking everyone to change the way they live so that the people who aren’t vaccinated don’t get severely ill and die. And we’re asking them to do that, knowing that the unvaccinated are the last likely to be changing their behavior themselves – they are the least likely to mask, and rapid test before seeing others, or quarantine when they feel ill.

At this point it’s clear that the US will continue to have a much higher rate of severe illness and death than other large, wealthy nations because we have so many people who are not vaccinated. We say that “this is a pandemic of the unvaccinated” but at some point do we say that “this is a crisis because of the unvaccinated”? Or is that not fair? Or does it not matter either way?

I realized driving to work this morning that I wrote my last post not because I think public policy should change right now, or even in the next few months. I wrote this post because *I* personally need to start changing my own thought process around this. In my personal situation, where I live in a highly vaccinated area of mostly like-minded individuals, I need to start changing lanes. I need to start accurately assessing my own risk and the risk of my family because *we* are not doing great and I don’t think *we* are always following the science when we decide what we are and are not going to do. Thankfully I am not a public health official and I do not have to make decisions that affect others. All I can do is make decisions within the rules and guidelines provided by actual public health officials.

I want to be ready for the off ramp when it does come. I want to be ready for my kids to return to school unmasked when officials decide that is safe. I want to feel comfortable in my own classroom when that happens, and I need to start thinking about it now if I’m going to feel okay about it in the fall (which is the earliest it would ever happen around here, I’m sure). I think a lot of people where I live need to start thinking about these things now, so that when we do start inching towards normalcy, they will be mentally and emotionally prepared for it. Because right now we are not. And there are a lot of complicated, non-science-based reasons for that.

Thank you for reading along as I figure all this stuff out. It’s messy and it’s complicated and it’s important to talk about. I appreciate your input – it’s helpful to understand where other people are at and why.

(Probably unpopular) Thoughts I’ve been thinking lately

I’ve been reading some articles lately and thinking, oh my god yes, finally someone is saying what I’ve been thinking.

The thing is, they are saying things that I think a lot of us have been thinking, but we’ve been too afraid to mention them, lest we be cast down by the social media powers that be for being stupid or callous or uncaring or selfish or… well you know can probably guess where this is going.

I’ve been wondering if, when and how we’d ever revisit mask mandates at school. Then I read The Case Against Masking Kids in School in The Atlantic:

Many public-health experts maintain that masks worn correctly are essential to reducing the spread of COVID-19. However, there’s reason to doubt that kids can pull off mask-wearing “correctly.” We reviewed a variety of studies—some conducted by the CDC itself, some cited by the CDC as evidence of masking effectiveness in a school setting, and others touted by media to the same end—to try to find evidence that would justify the CDC’s no-end-in-sight mask guidance for the very-low-risk pediatric population, particularly post-vaccination. We came up empty-handed.

Therefore, the overall takeaway from these studies—that schools with mask mandates have lower COVID-19 transmission rates than schools without mask mandates—is not justified by the data that have been gathered. In two of these studies, this conclusion is undercut by the fact that background vaccination rates, both of staff and of the surrounding community, were not controlled for or taken into consideration. At the time these studies were conducted, when breakthrough infections were much less common, this was a hugely important confounding variable undermining the CDC’s conclusions that masks in schools provide a concrete benefit in controlling COVID-19 spread: Communities with higher vaccination rates had less COVID-19 transmission everywhere, including in schools, and those same communities were more likely to have mask mandates.

I have to admit, while I knew that masks were not required in school in Britain (for students under 12), I did not realize they were also not required in many other European countries. I also did not know that there was so little conclusive evidence that masking in schools significantly reduces rates of community spread.

I have been very thankful that I live in a state where mandated masking in public spaces, as well as in schools, has been part of the public health response from day one. I felt much safer (finally!) returning to in person learning in the fall knowing that my students and colleagues, as well as my kids and their peers, would be masked. But I have to admit I don’t have faith in our ability to follow the science and put an end to masking in schools at an appropriate time.

When I run in a huge open park near my house most of the people that pass me are masked, even though no person or group is anyone near anyone in this huge open space for more than the few seconds it takes to pass someone on the (very wide) ample path. We are clearly wearing masks in San Francisco for reasons other than protecting the health and safety of ourselves and others. The fact that we’ve spent the last year deriding the governors of Republican states like Florida and Texas for banning mask mandates in school (which to be clear, I view as dangerous public health policy), leads me to believe it will be very hard for us to separate mask wearing in classrooms with our political identities as public health-minded progressives. I just don’t think we’re going to be able to make a rational decision about this for a long time.

Which brings me to this episode of NYT’s The Daily from last week, that aimed to be “a statistically sound effort to take the temperature of the American public on exactly how it’s thinking about Covid at this moment that might or might not be a pivot in the pandemic.” The overall argument of the episode was that “when you look at all this, what you end up seeing is that people’s attitudes toward risk doesn’t seem to be driven by rational thought or scientific evidence, so much as it seems to be driven by political belief.”

An exchange from the episode:

Michael Barbaro: Right. What’s interesting about what you’re saying, David, is that it’s not only showing that partisanship is dictating whether people get vaccinated, which I think we did know. It’s also showing that even those who do get vaccinated, who do believe the science that shows vaccines are protective, are still having a pretty high level of fear that suggests they actually don’t really feel protected. And that’s counterintuitive.

David Leonhardt: That’s right. So if you believe the science, you should go get the vaccine, because all the science says the vaccines are very safe and very effective at preventing serious Covid illness. But let’s focus on that second beat just for a second. The science says vaccines are very effective at preventing serious Covid illness. So if you believe the science, it doesn’t argue only for getting vaccinated. It also argues for living your life in a way that reflects that you’ve been vaccinated.

I understand that we’re only just starting to come out of the omicron wave (in some parts of the country), which has put huge strains on hospitals health care professionals. Obviously the most important thing that people need to be doing right now is getting vaccinated and boosted. I do think there were moments in the episode when they put the ideas of “Republicans aren’t getting vaccinated” and “Democrats aren’t acting like they are vaccinated” next to each other like each side was complicit in the same degree of “not following the science.” That is a false equivalency that wasn’t stated but implied, and I think it should have been clarified. The US has a far higher death toll than any other large, wealthy nation precisely because we have so many un- or under-vaccinated people, especially older people who are at high-risk for getting seriously ill or dying from Covid. The unvaccinated are straining our health care system and endangering the lives of others who need medical care for unrelated reasons. They are prolonging the pandemic by keeping hospitalization and death rates high.

But ultimately the vaccinated might prolong the pandemic in their own ways, by pushing for policies that aim to reduce the risk of transmission without taking into account the negative affects to our health and well-being those policies present.

And I think this is very important to emphasize. The steps we have taken to minimize the spread of Covid had big benefits. They saved a huge number of lives. But they also have had enormous costs. And by almost any measure, American society just isn’t functioning very well right now. Violent crime has soared and it started soaring shortly after the pandemic began.

There was just this interesting study out that showed Americans’ blood pressure had gone up. Many people have just been working from their homes. Mental health problems have gone up. Drug overdoses have soared. And so the idea that we’ve all isolated ourselves and we’ve sublimated these normal human interactions, that has had huge costs. And so I think the thing we need to grapple with is at what point do the costs of pandemic precautions outweigh the benefits?

And then, of course, there are school closures and the untold ways they have harmed children. I absolutely believe that we kept kids at home for WAY too long in California, and especially in the Bay Area. We were not following the science, but instead were following our fear, and our children paid dearly for it. I don’t think we’re truly willing to be honest with ourselves about what a huge policy failure it was for students to be in remote learning for 15 months. And if we aren’t willing to admit to our mistakes, we certainly can’t learn from them.

And we need to learn from them, because things aren’t going to get better for a long time. At least, the decisions aren’t going to get easier. Another article from The Atlantic, helped me to understand how messy and unsatisfying the definition of endemicity is. That ultimately it means nothing, and “achieving it” will never be something experts agree has happened, nor will it matter much even if they do, because “reaching endemicity” doesn’t actually help us understand what our future with the novel coronavirus might hold.

Endemicity, then, just identifies a pathogen that’s fixed itself in our population so stubbornly that we cease to be seriously perturbed by it. We tolerate it. Even catastrophically prevalent and deadly diseases can be endemic, as long as the crisis they cause feels constant and acceptable to whoever’s thinking to ask. In a rosy scenario, reasonably high levels of population immunity could bring the virus to heel, and keep it there; its toll would be roughly on par with the flu’s. As coronavirus cases drop from their Omicron highs in the United States and other countries, there’s at least some reason to hope things are bending in that direction. But at its worst, endemicity could lock us into a state of disease transmission that is perhaps as high as some stretches of the pandemic have been—and stays that way.

If the end game of this pandemic is us figuring out how to live with Covid – how to live with the risks of Covid that will always be somewhat unknown – then we have a lot of work to do in figuring out how we’re going to assess risk and live with this. If omicron presents as much, or less, risk to me (as a double vaxxed and booster adult with no underlying conditions) than the flu or an auto accident, does it really makes sense for me to continue avoiding all the things I’ve been avoiding not to catch it? Yes, I understand that we can’t all get sick at the same time; society will come to a screeching halt if there aren’t enough “essential” workers showing up at their jobs. But once the case numbers come down and we don’t have to be so worried about too many people calling in sick for society to function, does it make sense to maintain all these safety measures? And if so, for how long? If endemicity doesn’t guarantee anything, at what point do we start living with the risk? Because it seems like we could be stuck in this limbo for many more years to come.

I’m sure this post will be unpopular. I remember being called “Trumpian” back when I balked at the closure of open park spaces early in the pandemic, so I can only imagine how poorly this post will be received. And I’m sure I did a piss poor job of saying most of this, and that the parts of the articles I picked are lacking in some way. I want to say more but it’s late and I know if I don’t just publish this it will never go up. And I want it to go up because I think we need to start talking about this stuff. So many of us are so unhappy. We talk about burnout and chronic stress and depression and the terrible weight of “no end in sight,” but we aren’t willing to talk about how our current pandemic response is contributing to, or causing, how horrible we feel. We tell ourselves it’s okay to feel hopeless because it has to be, but maybe it doesn’t have to be anymore. Or at least maybe it doesn’t have to be, soon.

I just think we need to start talking, and thinking, about an off ramp. It’s going to be a long time before public health policies change (at least where I live). Maybe if we start the conversation now, we’ll be ready to accept those changes, even embrace them, when they happen. Maybe we’ll even be thankful that they’ve finally been made. Maybe if we start changing lanes now, slowly and with caution, we’ll be ready to approach the off ramp when it’s finally revealed.

Dreams

I’ve been remembering my dreams a lot lately. Sometimes I will go weeks without remembering a single dream. I’m assuming I still have them during these times, but I don’t remember having them. And then I’ll have a bunch I remember right in a row. I wonder why that is…

Two of my recent dreams were work related. Usually my work related dreams involve me being lost somewhere on campus and unable to get back to my class in time. I spend most of the dream in a frantic state, just trying to find my way back to my students.

These past two dreams were similar, in that a spectacular event was keeping me from work, but they were different in that I was far away, not on campus, while unable to get to my students. In both dreams I realized I should just call in sick so someone else could manage my classes. Once I remembered that I felt a lot better.

It’s interesting because right now I feel like calling in sick is just not possible. We don’t have enough subs normally and with the omicron wave it’s that much worse. But I do think things have quieted down in the last week. I guess if I really needed to I could call in sick. Perhaps my subconscious wanted to remind me of that.

One of the other dreams was even more obvious. I was in a big beautiful house by the water. At first I thought it was a big lake, but later I was sure it was the ocean. Everything was great, and I was marveling at the size and splendor of the house, when suddenly there was water everywhere. The water level rose to the second floor windows and was sloshing into the rooms. I started panicking, trying to figure out what was happening and where my kids were. I don’t remember much else, except that everyone around me was very calm, and kept trying to assure me that it was fine that the water level had risen to second story windows, that it happened all the time. I kept thinking, this is insane, this beautiful house is going to be lost under the water and no one thinks it’s a problem. Why can’t they see that we’re all drowning!

And then I woke up.

Don’t need to pull out a dream interpretation book for that one.

This week is a weird one. My kids didn’t have school yesterday (non-instructional day) or today (Lunar New Year), but my husband and I both had work. So we had to cobble together coverage during the school day, but still had afternoon activities with the kids. My daughter just started boxing with a friend so we’re figuring out how to get her to that 1-2 times a week. And the dojo reopened after a month-long Covid closure (no outbreaks there, they just wanted to be safe) so my son and I are back there a few times a week. I had a staff meeting today and a professional development meeting tomorrow. It’s a lot and I don’t like being this busy.

School is stressful for the next two weeks as it’s essentially the end of our second trimester. It really ends March 4th, but there is an outdoor education week, and a week off in the second half of February so assessments need to happen next week. I keep telling myself that if I can get through the next two weeks, I’ll get a little break.

Except I know those last two weeks of February won’t feel like the break I need them to be.

I wanted to write more but my cat came over and yowled at me until I surrendered my lap and I’ve been typing this one my phone for several paragraphs. I can’t keep this up so I’ll just publish now.

Do you ever remember your dreams?

Thank you

Thank you all for your comments, which made me feel so much less alone. I especially appreciated when Polly mentioned wondering if what she was feeling were depression, but recognizing that it doesn’t feel the same as depression has felt in the past. I’ve also been going around in circles wondering if what I’m feeling is depression, or the precursor to it, but not feeling sure because this feeling does seem different, even if some aspects of it are familiar.

I have to admit, I’m terrified of facing depression again. Those years were horrible for me and I don’t ever want to go back there. I’ve actually been impressed with my general ability to keep the terror at bay – to just take it one day at a time and not let myself spin out into a panic about falling into a depression that I can’t get myself out of. But I can feel that talking myself down takes mental energy, energy that I don’t really have. Ironically, the fear of depression is another weight that might eventually push me into the hole that is depression.

And it’s true that there are all sorts of very understandable reasons why I feel this way. Why we all feel this way. And all of them are outside of our control. The only thing we have control over is how we respond, but even that feels outside of my control some days. Like I want so badly to just get over it and revel in what I do have. But I can’t.

I’ve been having… butt pain? That seems such a stupid way to say it but it’s all I got. My right glute has been causing me something between discomfort and agony a lot of the time. Standing doesn’t bother it so much, but sitting does and driving is excruciating. I’ve come to dread the hour plus I spend in my car every day.

I went to the chiropractor to see if she could help. I actually ended up going three times in one week, because two days after the first visit I pulled something in my left shoulder reaching up to lather my hair in the shower (probably because my body was so messed up from standing and sitting weirdly to accommodate my right glute). By my third visit in seven days I was despondent. Nothing was helping. It had been almost three weeks and the pain wasn’t going away. I didn’t know what had caused it initially and I couldn’t figure out how to make it better. My chiropractor thought a tight psoas muscle was causing the pain, but none of the psoas stretches I tried were providing any relief. I was freaking out that this pain that I couldn’t explain would never go away.

I was almost crying on her table when she said, “I get it. You feel like you’re doing everything right – you’re coming to the chiropractor, you’re dialing down your workouts, you’re stretching every day – and it’s not getting better. You’re used to getting results, and in this case, they just aren’t coming at the speed you’re expecting.”

And she was so right. I was doing everything I thought I should be doing. I was TAKING THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY. I was doing yoga videos instead of my weight lifting. I was running very reduced miles (and walking frequently), or not running at all. I was stretching for 20-30 minutes every night. I was spending almost $300 dollars, and three hours, at the chiropractor in one week. I was doing what I needed to do and it wasn’t getting any better.

And yes, later that night I saw the parallels with the pandemic, lining up perfectly. I have taken this public health crisis seriously, I have done everything the expects have asked of me, even when sometimes it didn’t make sense (and later it was revealed that it was grossly unnecessary (::cough:: closing county parks where people run and walk ::cough::). I have followed all the rules, and even maintained a more cautious attitude even when some rules were relaxed. And it hasn’t made a lick of difference. The pandemic still rages on, and our response to it probably won’t change (at least not here in the bright blue Bay Area) for a long, long time.

Honestly, I haven’t felt this beaten down by feelings of, but-I’m-doing-everything-right-and-it’s-still-not-helping! since I was trying to get pregnant. And I’ve been thinking a lot about trying to get pregnant lately because the damn rapid Antigen tests we have at home have me squinting for a second pink line in a way that causes me some serious flashbacks.

Trying, and failing (over and over) to get pregnant, despite TAKING THAT SHIT SERIOUSLY from before I even started, sucked. It was awful, and it made me miserable. The political situation and the pandemic are awful and it’s making me miserable. We’ve been doing this for a long time and it’s hard.

I have more to say, but I had a shit evening – including a fight with my husband and a frustrated cry while washing the dishes – and I’m tired.

Tomorrow is Friday. Maybe after the weekend things will seem better some how.

Not the blogger I want to be

Hey all. I feel pretty shit for not showing up here much these past couple of weeks. It’s not the blogger I want to be.

But I’m struggling. I’m struggling and my husband is struggling and it’s a lot. The weight of it is hard to carry. I’m exhausted by the end of each day.

And I feel… disingenuous coming here to say that because really nothing is wrong. We’re doing FINE, just like we have been this whole time. We are maybe the least negatively affected couple in all of the pandemic. Well, at least within the pool of couples with kids.

Really and truly we are fine. Everything is fine. And I’m not sure why it doesn’t feel fine. I’m not sure where this weight comes from. What it is exactly. I just know that it makes it hard for me to think, to get things done, to sit down and write.

Lately I lay in bed and day dream about not going to work. I think about how nice it would be to NOT go to work the next day. But then I remember that I’d still have to deal with the kids in the morning. And my husband would be home, sulking in front of his own computer. And what would I even do exactly? And then the school day would be over before I knew it and the kids would come and I’d have the same afternoon and evening we always have, and then I’d go to bed. Is that scenario really worth writing sub plans and taking a day? It never seems like it would be.

I’ve been going to bed early lately. And I’m happy to do it. Used to be I felt a little frustrated when I had to go to bed early; I hated giving up my kid-free time on sleep. But lately sleep seems like as good a way as any to pass the time. Being awake, even kid free, has lost its luster.

I don’t even know what I would change, if I could. I don’t even know what would make it better. I don’t really miss martial arts, even though it’s been over a month since I’ve stepped foot in the dojo. Even seeing my friends feels like so much work.

It’s not all like this. Not every minute. Sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, it’s fine. When I’m teaching. When I’m with my own kids. Many of those moments feel normal. But when I’m alone, when I need to motivate to get shit done. There is just nothing left.

So yeah. It’s been hard to show up here when this is all I can think to write. Not showing up is not who I want to be, but writing this shit is not who I want to be either.

You recognize my dilemma…

Still here

Sorry for not writing all week. I’ve been going to bed early. I’ve been WANTING to go to bed early. Usually I’m annoyed when I have to burn kid-free time going to bed early, but lately it’s been all I’ve wanted to do. I can’t tell if the desire to go to bed early is my subconscious urging me to do what I need to avoid falling into the hole of depression, or if I’m already in the hole and I want to sleep because that what I do when I’m depressed. I think it’s the former. I’m hoping it’s the former. Right now I’m going to go to bed early if that’s what I want to do, even if it means i don’t write a blog post.

Next week at work should be a little easier and I should have some more time to write.

I’m still time tracking. I’m doubting the value of it for my personally, but I’m going to keep it up for a couple more weeks.

It’s a balmy 63* today and we have some low key days planned. I’m grateful for them.

I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Super Fast Weekend Recap

As you’ll see on Monday’s time tracking sheet, I’m writing this late. So I need to keep it short. Here are a couple highlights from each day, with my time tracking added too.

Saturday Highlights

My son and I took a trip to Target. I was getting a gift card for a friend whose baby came very early (he’s still in the NICU, but should be home soon), and my son was spending his Christmas gift card. He did a great job! He didn’t get mad when things cost more than he had, and he ended up getting a game instead of a toy. I was really pleased by how it went.

My parents picked up the kids at 3pm and I got to spend the afternoon and evening with my husband. It wasn’t without some bumpy moments, but it was a much needed break. I picked up Chinese food from a place we like and we watched a movie my husband had been wanting to see. It was really good.

Sunday Highlights

It was nice to sleep in on Sunday, though I only made it to 8:30am. My husband and I started the day pretty lazy, with two episodes of Succession and some pizza for breakfast.

I got the baby gifts ready and brought them over to my friend. It was her daughter’s 12 birthday, and I had a gift for her too (her daughter is friends with my daughter). It was nice to see them briefly and give them a little something to celebrate.

Sunday was also my mom’s 70th birthday. My dad, my mom and I went for a walk in my favorite park after the brought the kids home, then we had dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (her pick, but it’s a favorite of mine too). My mom was very happy to spend some time with me on her big day, and she was surprised that I had a present for her. It was nice to spend that time with them, and to know my mom felt she was being celebrated, despite having such a big birthday be ruined by the pandemic.

I spent the evening hosting two of my friends and their daughters. Both have had Covid relatively recently so we haven’t seen each other in a while. It was so nice to just sit and chat with them. The girls had a blast playing video games in the garage too.

Monday Highlights

Monday was supposed to be a pretty low key day, but my son was feeling left out that his sister not only had friends over on Sunday night, but also got to go to a friend’s house on Monday. His best friend was not available on Monday, and when I asked if we should try to find someone else to have over, or just do something fun ourselves, he chose the latter. So when I saw there were tickets to the Art of the Brick, which we’d been wanting to see, I grabbed them for my son and I (my husband and I agreed that he needed some down time so he declined to join us).

The Art of the Brick was a really great installation and my son loved it. We’ve actually taken him to quite a few museums in the past year and we’ve been surprised by how well he does; he’s genuinely interested in most of the art we’ve seen. He’s a massive LEGO fan, so I knew he would be into this exhibit, but I was not prepared for how much he loved it. I don’t think he was either. We both had a great time.

We walked to the Ferry Building after for an ice cream and I let him get two scoops with hot fudge and caramel. He was in heaven. He let me help him eat it and we barely made it through the sugar and cream monstrosity. It was very, very good, and my son proclaimed the afternoon “epic,” which made me quite pleased. It was nice to spend the time with him, and nice to make those memories.

This week is short (hooray!) and without in person marital arts it’s less busy, but there is a lot going on at work. Tomorrow I’m teaching the lesson that I was teaching last year when I had the panic attack on zoom. I’m really not looking forward to it, as I associate this lesson with that horrible day, but it needs to get done so I’m getting it over with first thing.

I hope this week is uneventful. We shall see.