One thing I’ve realized reading blogs is that everyone has different thresholds for what they can manage. Some people that I read seem to “do less” than me, but feel just as overwhelmed and some people do so much more than me and seem to be just fine (Sarah’s recent DITL post had me reeling, but that is not uncommon – she does so much and always seems ready to do more!) I feel like I usually have a lot on my plate, and much of time I do end up getting it done, if not well. This fall things have felt pretty unmanageable, or the waves of overwhelm have felt surprisingly big and heavy. But maybe I always feel like that? I’m pretty sure my problem is that I take on too much, but it feels like if I took out the “unnecessary stuff,” all that would be left is obligations and chores. Am I really supposed to stop doing all but those things so that the days feel more manageable? I don’t know.
Anyway, my point today was to write out some of the reasons that it’s felt so hard, hopefully putting in perspective my feeling of overwhelm and reminding myself that this too shall pass (eventually?!)
Transition to high school. Why was I not dreading this? Honestly I’m glad I wasn’t because it wouldn’t have helped me, but man oh man has it been a hard transition. The 14yo has so much more homework, and is really struggling to get it all done every night. She also has trouble keeping track of it; there are so many very late nights that could have been avoided if she had a good way of tracking her assignments. The good news is she’s doing well, the bad news is her success right now relies HEAVILY on parental support. She’s up much later than either of us want to be awake, so we take turns being the one to stay up with her and make sure she gets to bed at a reasonable (or close to it) time. Honestly, this is probably the biggest struggle right now, and most everything else is tied to this in some way.
Mornings. I used to get up at 6am and spend the first hour of my day blissfully alone getting the kids lunches ready and making coffee and getting ready for work. Now my daughter gets up at the same time as I do and I spend the first hour of the day trying to get her out of bed and done with her breakfast. She is always in a bad mood, which puts me in a bad mood. The fights over phone use are horrible (this is a MASSIVE problem for us – her relationship with her phone is a constant point of contention, despite the copious locks and time limits we have placed on it. I’m SO GLAD we waited until 8th grade to get her one – I honestly wish we had waited longer). It’s just a shitty way to start the day and leaves me grumpy for my morning commute. I used to always listen to an audiobook on my drive down, but now I listen to sad music most of the time, because that is how I feel most mornings.
Husband traveling. My husband had two big trips this fall, one for fun and one for work. I’m incredibly lucky to have my in-laws help with the mornings when he is away, otherwise I’d have to miss 1.5 hours of class every morning and write sub plans for a ton of classes. I don’t really mind that much when he’s away, because I know what to expect and I can manage things without him (maybe not super well, but at a level I deem acceptable). It’s when he comes home and is still not able to step up because he’s jet lagged or tired or getting sick or whatever it is. He’s been home for almost a week from Dubai and he’s barely been helping. But he’s around so I can’t just do things my way. It’s the worst of both worlds, and I am so over it. I’m glad he’s not set to travel again for a while.
Challenges at work. School has been hard this year. I have a lot more behavioral issues than I did last year. I have way more chronically absent students. More of my students are struggling to master the material. I spend way more of time my time trying to catch kids up after they’ve been gone, or reteach them something they don’t understand, or make up assessments they missed. The way I’ve been doing things for the past five years are just not working as well, and re-configuring stuff takes time and energy. This is going to be an issue all year, so I need to figure out a better way to manage it. I met with my principal today (I’m being observed this year) and she mentioned that she doesn’t want me working harder than my students and I thought, OH MY GOD I AM. I am working way harder than so many of them, and that has to stop. I need to figure out how I’m going to manage the chronic absenteeism, make my expectations clear to students and parents, and then hold my boundaries. Of course all that will take a lot of work!
Other random one offs. Getting covid in September threw me for a loop (especially since so many family members had big events they didn’t want to miss right after). The refrigerator swap was awful and then resulted in the broken refrigerator that needed to be fixed (lesson there: hire people to move refrigerators for the love). My sister coming to town now, at the end of my trimester, is just the worst timing, but there is nothing I can do about that. She will come when she comes and I just have to decide how much time I make for her. (She used to live literally ACROSS THE STREET from me, and we NEVER saw each other, so I’m not sure why I try so hard when she’s here.) There has been some other extended family stuff that doesn’t really have to do with me, but that has been stressful. The election was anxiety-producing and then devastating and heartbreaking. It hasn’t been a great fall, but hopefully things will get better.
I didn’t write this post to bitch, I honestly wanted to remember why I’ve been feeling so done lately. Honestly, just the high school transition stuff and the challenges in my classroom are enough to make everything feel like too much. I need to remember that. And remember that just being home in the evenings does not necessarily make me feel better. When I’m home I need to make dinners for the kids and manage their homework and chores and do my own shit, and it’s not exactly pleasant or energizing. I think sometimes I forget that. Would a weekend at home alone be helpful! Absolutely! But that ain’t happening any time soon, so I need to find other things that actually fill my cup.
Or maybe I’ll just ignore my daughter in the morning and let her figure it out herself. (In fact, I’m definitely going to start doing that.)