Well it’s June. The month of May absolutely steam rolled me, and now I’m in that weird place where work isn’t so hard, but I still have to do it (until next Friday! WHY!?). I’m decompressing from the insanity that was May, but I still need to hold it together for the final weeks of school, my kids finishing their school year (yesterday was their last day), my husband being out of town, my daughter’s actual birthday, the first weeks of camps… the list goes on. I feel like I’m finally coming up for air and I’m not quite sure where I am or what I’m doing.
Mostly I can’t figure out what I want to be doing. I feel adrift, unfocused. I’m really struggling to feel anchored, to find meaning in whatever task is before me. I just feel… I don’t know. Adrift? Distracted? A lot of the time I kind of feel like my mind is racing, like I can’t get comfortable inside myself.
I have been struggling in my reading life. I can’t find a podcast that I really want to listen to. My Spanish audiobook is good enough that I won’t quit it outright, but I never really want to turn it on. I had already read last month’s book club book and I’m on (several) wait lists for next month’s, which I don’t need to finish until mid-August. I can’t really find a show I want to watch (binging season 11 of Vanderpump was the absolute best). I don’t know, nothing is hold my interest.
And there have been some wins! And they have made me happy! Returning to running has been great. The morning after my daughter’s party I mopped all the floors because all the cat stuff was still downstairs and it felt like I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get it done with so much of their junk out of the way. It felt so good to get that done! I have a Shutterfly coupon that expires in mid-June so I didn’t have to get the whole photo book done Memorial Day weekend, and could really enjoy our date days. Yesterday my son wanted to stay at aftercare and I only had an extra 70 minutes but I got home, picked a 45 minutes strength training video and finished it with plenty of time to pick him up. It had a lot of lower body work I’ve been avoiding and felt great. I wasn’t even supposed to workout, but was so proud of myself for using that pocket of time so productively.
I even had maybe the best parent meeting of my 20 year career yesterday. This parent said every single thing I’ve ever wished a parent would say. It was so validating.
And yet… after the initial high of the thing that makes me happy, I’m right back in the mind-buzzing feeling of, but what now?
Yesterday I ended up with another couple unexpected hours of alone time when both my kids were invited to friends’ houses for end-of-year events, and I was almost paralyzed by the prospect of making good use of the time. What should I do? What did I want to do? I was totally freaking out that I was going to waste these precious hours. Should I work out again? Work on the photo book? Get some work done? Get a massage? Meet up with friends? The experience was honestly a little excruciating.
I was realizing that I almost never have time like this on a weekday evening. I had to look at weekends to contemplate how I normally figure out what I want to do. But on a normal weekend I figure out what I want to do within the confines of the family landscape. What activities do kids have? Where are they? Where do I need to be driving and when? How will be spend meaningful time together? What work do I have to do? What work would I appreciate getting done? What work outs do I want to squeeze in and when and where will I do them? But to just have this kind of time? To spend how I’d like? When I ask that question, all I see and hear is static.
Why is articulating what I actually want so hard for me right now?
I’m assuming it’s because of how crazy May was, how crazy this whole school year was. The decompression is real and I just have to get through it.
I have identified some of the aspects of this year that were too much and that I have control over next year: too much travel (Universal Studios, camping at Pinnacles, Mexico City, camping at Joshua Tree), free reading program was really hard to run with so many students, the giant reorganization overhaul at home was time-consuming and stressful, ditto testing at the dojo. I’ve also identified some that I have some control over, but feel more intractable: driving the kids to activities, managing the behavior of larger classes, getting better sleep, holding down the fort while my husband travels. Finally there are things I can’t control: the ways perimenopause makes me feel, my husband’s mental health, whether or not I get injured, how/when/why my kids struggle.
I was dealing with all of those things this year and it never felt like I had the margins I needed. I am supremely grateful that I was able to continue exercising through my knee injury, that my perimenopause symptoms are mild most of the time, that my kids have been pretty happy, over all. My husband’s mental health is never great, but it’s not always awful either. The house is in better shape than it has been for a while, even if I can’t keep it where I ultimately want it. I got to stay with my cohort at the dojo, despite my injury. Seriously, I have so much to be thankful for, and yet things have been really hard. Both can be true. And I can be decompressing from everything that was hard, even as I appreciate everything that went well.
In the end I made it through those hours on Tuesday evening avoiding regret. I wrote this blog post. I created a google forms test for our final unit (Telling Time) so it will correct itself right after they take it. I watched a little Netflix. I hung out with my daughter a bit. It was a lovely respite, and I was able to enjoy it more when I remembered that in a couple weeks I’ll have more of these.
Summer is just around the corner. Hopefully by the time it’s here I’ll be more fully decompressed.