On Wednesday I had a panic attack. During one of my zoom classes. Out of nowhere my heart rate spiked and I went pale. My vision was covered in spots and I couldn’t see. It happened so fast, and I was so disoriented that I didn’t think to turn off my video or just end the zoom call. A couple kids unmuted to ask how I felt and I told them not well and asked for a minute. I went off screen to sit down and I was so disoriented I thought maybe I was dreaming. Once my breathing calmed a little I went back to my computer and tried to keep teaching but my vision was still so bad that after 30 seconds I told them I didn’t feel well and had to go.
It took about 20 minutes for me to stop sweating and feeling so, so cold. It took about an hour for me to feel relatively sure I could teach my 11:50am class, though I was still exhausted and shaky.
I’m really not sure what triggered the panic attack. It was my 9am class and I was definitely nervous about the inauguration that was starting at noon on the other side of the country. But I wasn’t thinking about that at all during my class. It literally came out of nowhere.
Wednesday sucked. I kept thinking of how awful it all must have looked on the zoom and how bad I felt for my students, who were clearly freaked out. I kept wondering if it was going to happen when I logged on again at 11:50pm.
Then this morning in my advisory class the first thing out of one of my students mouth is, Ms. — are you okay? My friend said you were really sick in 1st period yesterday! Then he admitted that actually his friend had sent him a video that he took of me having a panic attack.
I was honestly so shocked I didn’t know what to say. I had worried briefly that a student might have recorded the incident but so many of them had been concerned that I put it out of my mind. I guess that was naive.
It sounds like the video was only shared via text message. But the student who received the video is at my normal middle school and the student who sent the video is at the other middle school (the one where I only have two classes) so probably a lot if kids saw it. Who knows if they just kept forwarding it to more people. At this point I’m just hoping it hasn’t been posted on social media.
The administration at the school of the student who sent it is looking into it. They already called the parents of the student who told me he received the video (evidently the mom had overheard him telling me about it on the zoom call and was mortified). Evidently both her 7th (in my advisory) and 8th grader (in one of my Spanish classes) were sent the video.
So yeah, it’s been a really shitty week and I kind of want to give the fuck up. I had a panic attack and a student recorded it and sent it to a bunch of students and maybe posted it on social media. I’m not quite sure how to bounce back from that.
I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. I just want to crawl into a hole.
I’m so sorry that happened to you…. Its a little insane to me that a student recorded you. Its simply bad manners and an invasion of privacy. Things are so different for kids today than they were for me (I’m 36) with smart phones and cameras and screens being so prevalent, but basic manners shouldn’t change.
As someone who has had panic attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was 9, I can tell you with almost absolute certainty that no One Thing caused your panic attack. It was everything that has happened over the last months/year that has built up and your nervous system (to put it VERY unscientifically) kind of exploded.
The fight or flight response that is triggered and causes a panic attack is very different today than it was hundreds or thousands of years ago. We are not usually being chased by a bear, or running away from an avalanche or something. Instead, we have stressors/fears in our everyday life that build up and become a ticking time bomb. Everyday you have fears and worries that must be set aside: so you can teach, parent and do all the adult things. Eventually they gather themselves up.
I hope so much things get better for you. I have no comforting words, but I have great empathy for what you’re going through, and i hope you keep hanging in there. <3
I’m so sorry that happened to you and that it was recorded. I have no idea if this is a good idea, but could you use the panic attack as a teaching moment? I am NOT a teacher and don’t know if this is something that you shouldn’t do for classroom dynamics, but own up to the fact that you had a panic attack and were feeling stressed. Maybe that helps one of your kids in your class if they have something similar happen to them or maybe kids (b/c it seems like they were worried about you) can understand it a bit better? It sounds like even if you weren’t thinking about it, you were internalizing the stress for the past 4 years, especially in light of the Jan 6th insurrection. I know that I have been feeling more stressed leading up to Wednesday.
I definitely want to talk to them about it – about the panic attack and the video sharing. I’m creating something for Monday. It’s going to be hard but I do think it’s worth the effort and discomfort on my end.
I’m so so sorry. Just sending hugs. I have NO doubt that no matter whether shared or not, no one will remember in a couple of weeks. Too much other stuff coming through. Sending <3.
Thanks. I know it will eventually blow over, and I don’t believe all the sharing was malicious. I do have a lot of very nice students.
So sorry that happened. I empathize. Struggling worse now than before – am so tearful today I can’t get my job done and just asked the parent of one of my daughter’s fellow kindergarteners to call me and convince me my kid isn’t going to flunk out of kindergarten and I’m not destroying her life. I’m exhausted and not sure how to hang on as much longer as I’m clearly going to have to…
I am so very sorry.
Panic attack is terrible and scary.
Being videoed during one is invasive.
This is a reason why I HATE group zoom-type calls.
That somehow no one took appropriate action to send help is awful.
Whole school district needs response to videoing without consent and sharing such a video. It is clearly illegal to tape a phone conversation without all parties consenting; this should apply to video as well. Does your husband know the right lawyer to ask about this?
I am so very sorry. If you can turn this into a teachable moment about consent that would be impressive and good for your students.
Please, as appropriate and comfortable to you, update us on school response etc.
Today’s news: http://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/Taping-phone-calls-remains-off-limits-unless-both-15886066.php
DIFFERENT STATES, different laws. Federal law is different.
Your principals and school districts may not be aware of this VERY timely decision. Because there could be issues/controversy about what you do or do not say about the student choices … be very wary and be certain in writing to notify your school staff etc about what you plan to say in classrooms. Especially as you will probably be being taped even if that might not be legal………
Oh gosh. Sending hugs.
I’m so sorry you went through this. My spouse has terrible panic attacks and I know he feels so vulnerable when they happen. I can’t imagine how awful it would feel to have some one circulating a video of that. I don’t know if this is helpful or not but I vividly remember one of my high school teachers having some sort of major episode in the middle of class- he went completely blank in the face and just walked out. I don’t think he told anyone because we didn’t get a sub or anything for a while. He did not come back for several weeks. I still don’t know what actually happened to him but ALL of us were just super worried about him. I hope your students are kind to you going forward.
In addition to teaching about consent, this is a great opportunity to discuss mental health, stress, and anxiety. I suspect your students relate to these feelings to some extent and could use some context and normalization that these feelings affect everyone – even their leaders in various ways. Perhaps the experience could open their eyes to their own challenges and brainstorming ways to support each other during this difficult year.
Good grief, having a panic attack is hard/bad enough without someone filming you AND then sending the video to others!!
I started having panic attacks about 20 years ago, shortly after my final (failed) infertility treatment cycle failed. I was having lunch with a friend and started feeling very weird. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. She called my dh, who threw me in a cab & took me to our family dr’s office, who took one look at me and told me I was having a panic attack. (His receptionist offered me one of her own ativan pills to help me calm down!)
As Jessica above says, the way a therapist explained it to me is that it isn’t any one thing that triggers it — it’s the buildup of a bunch of different factors that pile up until your system can’t take the stress anymore. And heaven knows, we’ve all been under a whole lot of additional stress this year…!
Sending (((hugs))) and I hope you can make this a teachable moment for your students. They need to know their teachers are human too, both in terms of things like panic attacks and feeling hurt when videos are taken without permission and passed around.
It is illegal to record anyone without their consent. https://news.chapman.edu/2020/03/31/wondering-about-recording-that-online-class-or-meeting-read-this-first/
I’m going to argue you have a legal case against your district for gross violation. Students and parents should be alerted to this violation and educated. Yes, it was a stupid move from a teenager, but you were harmed.
I would talk to your union rep and a lawyer.
Thank you Cristy for knowing this information.
Hoping today in class for Noemikjames went better. A very rough experience.
Students and their parents need to understand the rules. and responsibilities, and consequences.
What a gross invasion of your privacy. Whether or not you wish to discuss mental health with your students, as commenters here have suggested, your own panic attack recorded and disseminated to others is NOT the appropriate way to lead into that.
Many of my university classes are online. We were presented with very strict guidelines regarding Zoom or similar, such as on recording, taking pictures or videos of the online session, or even pinning a certain student (keeping that student’s video always visible on the screen, often in a larger size, which is creepy). The consequences were also very strict, including expulsion with no reimbursement of tuition paid.
There should be similar guidelines and consequences for students’ actions related to all teachers who are forced online during this pandemic. After this incident – which as others have pointed out can be illegal – your school should be quick to protect itself in cases of similar ones. I hope your union can also be a resource to you here and create a blanket policy district-wide, or even state-wide, with the appropriate support.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
Well that DOES sound like a shitty day. I hope you’re doing better now. The video will blow over I’m sure in a little while. Hang in there!
That sounds awful, both the panic attack and the violation from the video. Solidarity, and I’m sending all the positive energy.