I’m about to spend 3+ hours at the dojo in anticipation of my test on Tuesday. I’m feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions about this martial arts test, and the incredible amount of time I’ve needed to put in to prepare for it.
I say I’m feeling conflicting emotions, but honestly I’m not really sure what they even are. When I think about the test I feel (I think?) anxiety, frustration, dread, the anticipation of relief (when it’s over). I’m worried I don’t know the curriculum well enough. Actually I’m sure I don’t know it well enough for my own liking, but I had to ask permission to test and I told that I should, so… I should feel fine about it right? The master of my dojo, who has seen me at the prep classes, says I should test, so why do I feel unprepared? What am I worried about happening? Do I not want to embarrass myself? I don’t think it’s that. We have a tight knit community at the dojo and the two women I’m testing with are very nice. We’ve been working together for months to get ready. They would never judge me for a mistake. Which means the pressure I’m putting on myself to know the material is internal.
I do know that the test is going to be hard, mentally more so than physically. I’m honestly worried I’m going to cry at this test, out of mental exhaustion. I haven’t tested in two years and this is my first higher belt test, which includes all kinds of curriculum that are not included on previous tests. So I don’t really know what to expect. It’s also on a week day evening, and I have specifically avoided weekday evening tests because the idea of putting myself through the grueling process AFTER a work day seems pretty awful. But the women I’ve been training with have to test on a weekday (they work in the service industry and aren’t available on Saturdays), so I decided the prospect of testing alone on a Saturday (we are the last green belts) was even less desirable than testing with them on a Tuesday.
So I guess what is really freaking me out about all of this are the unknowns. I haven’t tested in a LONG time. A lot has happened to me (and the world) since I last tested. I have NEVER tested at this level before. I have never tested on a weekday evening before. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know how I’m going to respond to all these unknowns. I do know that there will be moments of acute unpleasantness. I do know its going to be really hard.
And now I get to spend three hours of my Saturday totally immersed in all of it. I’m trying to reframe my mindset about all of it, about today and Tuesday. If I go into it feeling dread, the hours will be awful. But if I got into it with curiosity things might turn out differently. I keep countering thoughts of “I don’t want to do this!” with thoughts like, I wonder what this will be like? or I wonder what I’ll learn today?
These are the questions I’m asking myself, while I try to answer the questions, Why am I doing this to myself? Which means I also have to answer the question, Why am I studying martial arts at all?
I’ll let you know when I’ve come up with some answers…
What are you doing these days that feels hard? How do you reframe your mindset?
I have thought you did martial arts because you have increased your physical fitness and found greater strength through this practice as well as feeling more confident in what your body can do.
When you test I thought the point was to self evaluate rigorously what you can do now and what you have learned as well as to understand where and how you can improve. I would not think they would encourage you to test without the expectation that you would learn and improve through the process. That the point is in growth not belt color.
MAYBE these mindsets can help you as you face the challenges of Tuesday. I heard recently that ‘joyful learning’ refers to working hard, sometimes very hard, and then succeeding in mastering information or skills … not that the process is all fun and games but the end result is Joy From Accomplishment.
(You can tell me to stick my head in a cold mudpuddle now.)
Without knowledge of what you will face, or how you will achieve against the standards A) I am proud of you for showing up and trying B) I hope the event itself brings satisfaction from all the effort you have expended. C) I wish you great joy at the end. The road and journey, not an end point…. because the road does not end.
Have you considered taking a half day at work that day? Having a plan might make you less stressed. It sounds like you will be fine but anything that will help you relax a little before the test might be helpful mentally. I think it’s great you are doing martial arts, I wish I found a good place that my whole family could participate. I could certainly use the exercise!
Actually, from what we’re reading about Omicron for us it seems like it may be a silver lining because if it’s more contagious but less deadly we might actually get to herd immunity, and then my husband will be more willing to do things- or at the very least not care if I do things. And I need to see people again and even have my booster but it’s been ugly.