Physical
I got a FitBit Inspire 3 to track my heart rate and sleep. It came Sunday and I’ve been wearing it ever since. On Monday and Tuesday my heart rate was pretty consistently between 110-120 (normal resting heart rate is 60-100 and mine used to be closer to 60). I was kind of shocked. Has it been that high for months and I just didn’t realize it? One thing I’ve learned wearing the FitBit is that I can’t tell what my heart rate is at any given moment. Sometimes I’m sure it will be fast and it is, but many times I’m just as sure and it isn’t. It’s kind of disheartening to realize how not in tune with my body I am.
The good news is that my heart rate has come down this week. I started taking a beta blocker at night, to see if it would help me sleep better (the reasoning being that if my heart is not racing, my body might rest better), so it could just be that. Or it could be that my medicine is starting to work. The doctor said it would take several weeks to see symptoms improve so I’m not sure what is going on. I’m not taking the beta blocker twice a day, so maybe things are improving generally? I guess it doesn’t really matter, and I appreciate seeing my heart rate under 100 a lot more during the day.
Sleep
This is the one symptom I am DESPERATE to see improve. I have not been surprised to see my sleep hovering around 6 hours (Sunday and Monday mornings it was a little lower, the rest of the week it was a couple minutes higher than six), despite going to bed 7.5-8 hours before I need to wake up. It takes me forever to fall asleep and then I wake up over and over again in the night, and toss and turn before I fall asleep. I really hope this gets better, and I hope the FitBit sleep data helps me really see that it’s improving.
Emotional
I will admit, it was a pretty shitty week for me emotionally. My husband has been really distant, which hasn’t helped, but I had my own stuff going on too. Everyone has been so thrilled that I have a diagnosis that is treatable, but I have not felt that way myself. While I am somewhat shocked that my blood tests showed what is causing my symptoms (no such blood test could ever confirm I was in perimenopause or menopause or confirm past depressive episodes or my ADHD diagnosis), and am relieved there is medication to help control my condition, I have not felt particularly relieved.
Part of the reason this diagnosis does not feel positive is because I will have it the rest of my life, but the most important aspect is that it might flare and “go quiet,” requiring continued monitoring of my thyroid hormone levels and tweaking of my medication. The thought of monitoring this forever does not bring me much relief. I was assuming that was the main reason I was having such a hard time with it.
Later this week I recognized that my biggest anxieties were around my weight, because as my thyroid activity changes my weight will fluctuate and that means I’ll be thinking about my weight and I just really don’t want to. I’ve written before about my decades of disordered eating, and what incredible piece of mind it has been to find an exercise and eating regimen that allows me to just let all of that go. My weight certainly still fluctuates, and I usually realize it because of how my clothes fit, so it’s not really the simple fact that my weight will go up that is bothering me. I think ultimately it’s the realizing that it won’t matter what I eat or how much I move, that this one little gland in my body will be the biggest determinant my weight. And yes I know it always has, but I had found a routine that worked and now it feels like that routine won’t be effective and it gives me a lot of anxiety. I feel like I was on firm ground and now I’m free falling. I realize all of this is just construction in my head that don’t actually represent reality, but it’s been hard to pull away the curtain and start to build a new relationship with my body.
Work
Going back to work was hard. The post-spring break push to the end of the year is always hard, and this year is proving to be no different. The kids are testing boundaries constantly and more dramatically. I have to send a student out of the room and then when I spoke with him in the office he doubled down on all his choices. It’s going to be a loooong push to mid-June. The yearbook is coming along but still causing me significant stress. People have so many questions and I don’t have the answers to any of them. The woman I’m working with doesn’t do much unless I ask her to. I’m clearly the person running everything, but I’m only getting half the stipend. It’s just a stressful addition to a stressful time of year. I have a lot to cover in all my classes so I can’t really chill out or “let it go” either. Basically I’m just counting the weeks.
Home
One thing I appreciate about my diagnosis is understanding why I’ve been so tired and giving myself grace for how little I’ve gotten done lately. Sadly, I can give myself all the grace in the world and it won’t make my kitchen floor any cleaner. I’m going to show the kids how to clean the bathroom floors and shower this weekend (they already clean the sink and the toilet), so at least I’ll have help on that. I’m trying to at least keep things neat, but even picking up feels hard these days. I keep thinking I’ll wait until summer to do a big clean, but that is a long way away.
I have big errands this week – new tires at Costco on Monday and vet appointments for both cats on Wednesday. I try to do that kinds of stuff during my break, but I didn’t realize you need to order the tires ahead of time at Costco, and the vet was closed last week. Serval is almost 15 lbs so I’m not looking forward to the vet, but one of Panther’s eyes is weirdly reddish so I’m glad I’m finally getting them seen.
Friends & Family
Things between the husband and I aren’t great, but I think they’re getting better. The 14yo didn’t get an internship she applied for, but is really enjoying high school swim. The 11yo is taking state tests, and has started hanging out with a friend from the dojo. I talked to my sister this morning for the first time in forever. I’ll be seeing my parents tomorrow for Easter.
This afternoon I have book club (I liked this month’s book (Harlem Rhapsody) and LOT more than last month’s (The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store). I’ve really enjoyed my current audiobook (Esperando al diluvio – Dolores Redondo). I finished Legion before it left Hulu (the first season is so good, the second is meh, and the third is good, I’m glad I made it all the way through this time), and have been liking Long Bright River (on Peacock I think?) I got some Chip Zdarsky Batman comics yesterday that look amazing (I promise it’s not worth writing out why…) Tomorrow we’re going to my parents’ house for our annual Easter Egg hunt, and hopefully to see a friend who’s in town from New York. Next Saturday I’m going to something fun with a friend. It’s nice to have a couple small things to look forward to before summer.
I need to work out before book club, so I’m going to press publish on this. Otherwise I’ll need to think of a seventh thing for Seven on Sunday… 😉
