I’ve have an idea of why I’ve been so unsettled this week. Hormones are definitely a mixer in this cocktail of murky emotions, but it’s not the strongest spirit. It’s actually uncertainty that is driving this increasingly less vague and more intense unsettled feeling.
First there was my jury summons. Every day I had to leave my classroom ready-ish for a sub because I couldn’t call to confirm my reporting status until 4:30, which is too late to stay at school. Every day I was wondering if I’d be back the next morning, or writing plans for someone else to take my classes.
Then there is the rain, which we desperately need, but which we aren’t at all ready for. (Californians are never ready for rain, and we aren’t very good at planning around the possibility of it.) Will my son’s after-soccer pizza party be cancelled? Will his mini-golf party on Saturday get moved to my garage (and if so, what will we do with our “rain checks” for mini-golf and the cabana)? I don’t even really care about anything being cancelled – though I’ll be annoyed to have to find a time to use my “rain check” credits later – and I assume my son will be fine as long as he gets to celebrate in some way, but the not knowing is stressful.
The reality is I was planning for possible contingencies, but the in-my-face uncertainty was still stressing me out. I felt unsettled emotionally because, well, my life felt unsettled logistically.
I learned today at 4:31pm that I have been officially excused from jury service. I get to finish up the week tomorrow in my classroom. And the mom who was co-hosting the after-soccer birthday party decided that there were too many moving parts with a school event and the possibility of rain so we’re pushing that to next Friday (on her son’s birthday, which is when I wanted it to be originally). So now it’s just the Saturday party I have to worry about, but honestly as long as the need to cancel is relatively obvious, I won’t be upset if it gets rained out (and into our garage). Suddenly all the uncertainty I’ve been managing has dissipated. I think, after a couple of days of detox, I’ll feel much better. I’ve learned to live with a higher level of uncertainty that ever before, what with a simple sniffle sending everything into a tailspin, but I guess I still have hard limits on what I can handle.
In the meantime my son turns 8 tomorrow. He’s really excited for his birthday, and I’m really excited for his birthday celebrations to be behind us. Both of us will be happy campers on Sunday night.
8 years old!!! Congratulations.
Wow. I remember when it wasn’t certain a second could happen. And now 8 years old and growing in independence. Joy.
Boy do I understand the issues of uncertainty! It sort of greys over all sorts of things in life and leaves unsettled holding ground. Naming the name of it does help but the tension isn’t good and oozes.
I am very oozed also these days.
And what the goodness is going on with Kaiser? It was fully predictable 3 weeks ago that Moderna and J&J would be approved today, and after last week it was even clearer……. and Kaiser is unable to give Moderna booster or even make appointments for them for next week……… yet CVS and RiteAid are not only making appointments they are giving these booster today. I am baffled and frustrated and thinking about the huge bonuses and large salaries of the administers/leaders of the very large organization.
This did not improve my mood.
But I have taken deep breath and am moving forward. Reminding myself I am not dealing with a teaching job and all those exposures or actively parenting a child who attends a public school when vaccination is not possible and social distancing isn’t happening and teachers are paying for supplies out of Not Large salaries.
Thank you for what your do professionally. Thank you for writing. Thank you for honesty that allows me to give myself grace about my frustrations and unsettled tensions.
Have a fabulous weekend! Rest, rejuvenate, be refreshed.