The weekend is almost over. Yesterday was spent almost entirely at the dojo, helping them set up their holiday party (and fundraiser kickoff) and then helping during the kid section. At 5:30pm my son and I headed home, just as all the adults arrived for the adult-centric continuation of the party. I was sad to miss the part with my peers, but I was also beat, so I headed home. My husband, son and I ate pizza and watched Blue Beetle, which was surprisingly good.
Today I had nothing planned and I was glad for it. I puttered around doing laundry and picking up around the house. Then my husband asked if we could go over some areas of the house that are causing me stress and I said sure and we did and then afterward I felt even more stress. My house, it turns out, is really just a series of junk drawers full of random shit, which I was reminded of when I tried to find the patches with our last name for my son’s new martial arts Ki. I never did find the patches, but I did find out how many drawers and boxes and baskets full of crap are hiding all over my house.
And I really do need to get the house in order, because in February my husband and I will be spending six nights in Mexico City to celebrate our 15th/10th anniversary. It would be like a second honeymoon if we’d ever had a first, which we haven’t, even though we had two opportunities to do so.
This is our 15th/10th anniversary because 15 years ago (in early January 2024), my husband and I became domestic partners in the city of San Francisco. This process can afford people some protections and insurance coverage, if one of the people involved is a city employee, but for us, at the time, my husband was not. We became domestic partners instead of just getting married, because Californians had just passed Prop 8, which made gay marriage illegal in our state. We also learned that becoming domestic partners in our state was only open to gay couples. This seemed incredibly fucked up to us, so we decided to have nothing to do with any of it, and just became domestic partners in the eyes of our city instead.
We went on to have our daughter, and buy a home together, and then have our son. And in early January of 2014, after Prop 8 was overturned in court, we got married in my parents’ living room with our 3.5 year old daughter and three year old son, and our mutual friend (who introduced us) officiating. (We got married on almost exactly the same date as our domestic partnership ceremony so we’d only have one anniversary moving forward).
Neither of those times, did we go on a trip of any kind. In fact, we have never gone on a trip together without our kids, ever. We’ve spent a night or two at home alone, while they stayed with my parents, and we’ve been on trips alone or with friends, but we’ve never gone anywhere as a couple without them. So this is kind of a big deal. And we’re both really excited to do it. Except for one thing. My in-laws will be staying at our house with the kids for the second half of the trip, which means our house has to be clean. And right now it is not clean.
Right now our house is kind of a disaster area. There is shit everywhere you look, and I just found out, everywhere you don’t readily look. The whole house is just full of shit.
And I have 2.5 months to fix that.
Originally I thought my daughter would stay with a school friend and my son would stay at my in-laws house, and my house could remain as it has been, a gigantic mess. But then my husband said his parents thought staying here was a better idea, and after a muli-day tantrum, I had to relent. It would be better for them to spend the school days of our trip at home, sleeping in their own beds. I just need to get over myself and clean up my house.
My husband offered to help, but in the past he has been categorically unable to participate in any organizing, let alone cleaning, of the house. How was he going to participate while battling depression?! But today he stepped up. WAY UP! And two giant book shelves (built into our mantel) are organized, along with his work-from-home desktop downstairs.
If we keep this up, maybe we could have the house ready for a cleaner to come and finish the job.
The good news is, the second week of the break I have nothing going on except taking down the Christmas decorations and checking to see if I have jury duty (rescheduling my jury duty for that week was a massive mistake – I’m so annoyed at myself for doing that). And hopefully I can find the time to work on small areas every day or every couple of days.
One thing I’m considering doing is taking a Costco bag and going around and just dumping every random junk drawer into it, and then reorganizing it all. I know this goes against many professional organizers advice, but I think it might be the right move because it could all fit in a Costco or IKEA bag while I’m working through it, which means it wouldn’t be making me more miserable before it felt productrive. And there really is a lot of stuff that probably should be put together before it’s culled and reorganized. There are three or four areas with random tech stuff around the house; two or three with important paper work and memorabilia; a bunch with workout/PT materials; even more with tools and office supplies, personal care products, cat stuff, etc. And I have enough bags that I could sort them as I dump it all out, so that I can tackle each area as I purge and sort and put it all back.
It’s a thought. And I even have space under my bed to keep the bags while I’m working on them, because anyone who has ever dealt with bed bugs (even tangentially) never keeps storage stuff under their bed.
So yeah, it’s a lot and I’m struggling to be excited for the trip because all I can think about is how much work I have to do before we go. And yes, we could just leave the house as is, and let my in-laws deal with it, but that doesn’t feel like the right move. They are doing us a favor staying here with the kids, and my house stresses me out, so it would make them miserable (there house – like my parents’ – is always pristine). I know I should reframe this as an opportunity to get my shit in order, just like I did in 2018 when we deep cleaned the house to AirBnB it so we could pay for our first family trip.
And please know, that I recognize how lucky we are to get to take this trip, and without AirBnBing our house to pay for it! It will push back some much needed house renovations, but our massive plumbing project is what really did that, so we might as well enjoy ourselves while try to fill the $8K hole in our “fix the back room” savings. We’ve lived without the back room for a lot of years now. We can keep making do. This is a very big deal for us and I’m really grateful that we get to go.
So yeah, I’m processing some big feelings about my inability to manage my own shit, but I’m also resolved (after much pouting) to do something about it. I checked out How to Keep House While Drowning (thanks Jenny for the reminder that I hadn’t read that yet – I love her podcast but never read her book) and maybe Organized Living will become available at my library to provide some inspiration before I’m done (I was the 11th person to put a hold on the 10 copies they got when it came out).
Who knows, maybe I’ll even find those patches that have disappeared. They have to be around here somewhere…
If someone came to stay in your house would you feel the need to do a big clean? Or your living space ready for guests without much fuss?
I fully understand the feeling of everything being too full and too much.
Reducing ‘excess’ and ‘organizing’ takes time and working an outside job while parenting is exceptionally time consuming and less fun than some of the other necessary activities of life. So un-owning gets pushed to the bottom of the list with obvious consequences.
On the other hand, you DID do the impossible for the AirB&B event. So I know you can do it, even though it sounds/looks impossible right now. Actually doing such an activity is good for overcoming depression because it has a visible tangible outcome. That may help in getting some other members of the household to assist with triaging their own belongings, and after age 2 people really do need to be involved in un-owing their own stuff. Under 18 year olds generally need company/help to get this completed and they often do not have any idea of how to do it themselves. (Knowing about un-owning and tidying is a learned skill/habit/trait. It is not genetic knowledge.)
I have now put both your suggested books on hold at the library as am doing more of the same work myself. Consistent habits help but are also hard habits to grow and vulnerable to disruption if not re-enforced.
Congratulations on starting as a joint review with your husband. Doing it with help and support is easier. I will be cheering you on! (And, adopting your February due date on my un-own/organize project. THANKS.)
I guess the level of clean would depend on who was staying and for how long. Our bathroom would need some deep cleaning and we’d need to do something (waves hands wildly) at the guest room, which becomes our depository for all things that don’t have a real place to live, but other than that? I think it would be fine.
But I’m a purger. If there’s a junk drawer in our house I would literally just dump the whole thing in the trash can and move on with my life. I am not attached to stuff and most of it can be repurchased if it turns out that I threw out something I really needed. (Honestly, I can only think of two times when purging has bit me in the ass – once I tossed a bunch of paperwork we actually needed for taxes and once I had to replace a gadget my husband apparently regularly uses.)
I think all of this is easier because we don’t have kids, though. I don’t have to worry if this piece of plastic is actually integral to someone’s favorite toy or something. And if it’s something related to my husband, it goes in a box and he has to figure it out!
I can get to the point where I am ready to just dump almost everything. I’m probably at that point now. I hate to think I might be throwing away something I’ll need later, but the reality is that if my shit is everywhere and I can’t find anything, it doesn’t matter that I have it. Remembering that helps me get rid of stuff.
My house is also a disaster. It doesn’t look as bad as it actually is but it’s bad. I don’t seem to be able to stick with any consistent system even though in many other areas of my life I am an upholder.
Yesterday I tried identifying 12 zones to try to tackle one each month. Maybe that will be a helpful way to chunk it up. The truth is the last thing I feel like doing each day after work is decluttering and I refuse to give up precious morning time or during-day work time so . . .
Yeah, I had all day to work on the house and part of me was happy for the time and part of me was so resentful I had to spend it that way.
I thought I only had 3-4 categories of clutter to sort through but when I wrote a list it because 8 categories! So much shit. I think I’ll go around and grab all of one kind of thing and end with “random junk” that doesn’t fit any of them and do it that way. We shall see.
If someone came to stay in your house would you feel the need to do a big clean? Or your living space ready for guests without much fuss?
I am on the opposite spectrum where I am compulsive declutter-er. I am merciless with stuff, especially if it’s broken, or missing parts or haven’t been used in a while – my hands are itching to get rid of it. We have very few things so prepping for guests is not a problem. Just mop floors and dust. My kids’ bathroom can be GROSS so I implemented a rule- after you wash your face/hands/teeth, you MUST wipe the sink with a paper towel. For consideration of other people. Let’s say I need to wash my hands, I don’t want to look at toothpaste blobs in the sink. No thanks.
Sometimes I wish I could chill the hell out with the house but my environment is important to me and clutter stresses me out.
Your house sounds like my house. Yes, I would feel the need to do a massive clean before someone came to stay. Just a word of wisdom- sometimes when I’m in a panic, like it’s Christmas Eve and guests are coming over in one hour- I’ll take a box or bag and just dump a ton of clutter into it. Then the bag will sit in the corner of my bedroom for… a year? I mean I never get around to going through it like I think I will. Then when I finally get to it I’m like “Oh, HERE’S the other phone charger! And here’s that thing I thought was lost so I ordered another one…” So be careful with that method. If it were my house, I would end up with Costco bags under my bed, permanently.
I need to finish that book! Ironically I don’t know where it is (SIGH) but I’m sure I can find it. Thanks for the reminder!
Uff, I can see how having your in-laws stay in your house (without you there) makes you feel uncomfortable enough to want to clean/declutter beforehand. I mean, it sounds like you’d like the space clean for your own sake, too, so this is a good opportunity to just tackle it?
Our space is small and I feel like we have stuff lying around everywhere (because it doesn’t have a fixed spot, so I am constantly shuffling things around. I am hoping to do some decluttering/ reorganizing myself. Good luck, and hopefully your husband can participate so you both feel good when you go on your much deserved anniversary trip!