My son’s party was Sunday afternoon and his actual birthday was Tuesday and it’s been decompression ever since. This week has been long and not very enjoyable.
My husband is out of town (he left the day after our son’s birthday) and I am equal parts enjoying the space and annoyed with the extra work and responsibility. I guess the good news is he really does do a lot around the house these days, which is good for me to recognize and appreciate.
It’s been hot this week. My house feels like an oven when it’s hot. It’s stifling. I’m using the box fan we got during an earlier heat wave a lot this fall. Definitely worth the $20. Box fans remind me of my childhood.
I yelled at my kids today. Mostly my son. It’s been a long time since I lost my cool like that and I’m trying to figure out what triggered it. I’m feeling underwater right now and I can’t unpack what specifically has me on the brink. It’s not a good feeling, but I’m trying to be curious about it instead of just disappointed in myself. I feel like I need a break, but I know I’m not going to get one, at least not the kind I really need, so I need to figure out how I can find some relief in the day to day.
Sometimes I end up back in this feeling I had for so long, this feeling of overwhelm, almost hopeless, that plagued me for much of my life. Part of me wants to scream at the sky that it’s so unfair that I always end up back here, but another part of me marvels at the how long it’s been since I’ve felt this way. Maybe I really am making mental health progress. I don’t think I actually believed I could do that, but here I am and maybe it’s done. Weird to feel shitty but also aware that I don’t normally feel shitty anymore. Weird.
I should go to bed now. Happy Friday.
why you feel stretched:
1. You are. Being single parent when normally have a partner is harder.
2. Weather is different. Hotter. Winds coming from east to west.
3. PG&E and fires news all over news; harder to avoid and it awakens emotions usually avoided and hidden. Earthquakes jiggling near you add to this.
4. Let us not even go to national and international news in detail. Right. I mentioned it. Now go look at a flower or weed or green thing growing now. Big deep breathing, in and out slowly and repeat.
5. You work an intense demanding job surrounded by middle school aged chidren and their hormones and their response to their environment.
Yupe. Stretched and thinned and pushed and …. well.
You are so very not alone. Thank you for telling this truth, we all need to acknowledge it is present for all of us.