October has not offered the relief I was hoping for, and earlier this week I kind of lost it. I cried. My husband and I had a fight. Two in fact. It sucked. I felt really despondent.
I tried to identify why things kept feeling impossible. I wondered when things were going to get better. My husband suggested that amount of exercise I’m attempting, and my commitment to the dojo specifically, were untenable. I’m actually really glad he brought that up because I’ve been feeling like he thought that way, but instead of raising the subject, he would just passive aggressively sulk around. And I’ve determined that being at the dojo four hours every Saturday (three hours + 30 mins on the bus/getting ready on either side), and then taking my son somewhere (with our without his friends) for most of Sunday so I could “give my husband back that time,” was part of the problem, because it wasn’t leaving me any time or space to get shit done around the house on the weekends. Now, at least, he has to admit that it’s a problem, so we can talk about possible solutions. That is definitely a step in the right direction.
I definitely feel some resentment, because I don’t feel like the time I spend exercising, including the dojo, is any more than the majority of the women I read (who prioritize exercise), and yet none of them seem to have issues at home with it. And it has always, ALWAYS, added stress to my marriage, because I’ve always assumed it was too much, and gone out of my way to “give back” that time, even though my husband has had various GIANT personal time commitments over the years and he NEVER tried to make space for me and my needs. I have to leave the house to get space. I take the kids away to give him space. They are two totally different things.
We still need to have an actual conversation about it. I am trying to figure out my talking points. I have historically hated this conversation because I swear he would gaslight me about his expectations, saying I was assuming he needed time when he didn’t, but then as soon as I took time and didn’t immediately reimburse him for it, he would get sulky and withdrawn.
And that is part of what pissed me off this week. He keeps asking how he can help more, since I’ve been so unhappy and overwhelmed, going so far as to suggest renting ZipCars to take the kids to appointments in the afternoon (something he would never do), and I was like, I just want to be able to be at the dojo one weekday evening and for a long stint on Saturday and not feel like I need to repay that time, and he was like that’s fine! And then 48 hours later he was sulking all over the house after I got back from my Tuesday classes. So I’m glad he finally just said it, or asked the question, have you ever considered that your commitment to exercise, and the dojo is untenable? And I asked if he meant for me or for him/our family and he hasn’t answered that for me yet.
Because I guess, if I have to “repay” that time, it is too much. But should I have to? I really don’t know. I have always done so much with the kids on the weekends, since they were little, and he rarely joins us. And when he plans things the assumption is the whole family will attend. And sometimes I don’t go, but because we’ve created this dynamic it feels like my absence on his outings is “noticed” in ways his absence on my outings is not (because he has never come).
I’m definitely going to start making sure my exercising at home happens before he gets home. That can be really hard, but I can make it work. I wish I were like those people who write that they wake up at 6am and are running by 6:10am (do they have a time turner?!), but I’m getting better at getting home and getting started within 30 minutes. Now that I don’t have to take my daughter to swimming or even pick up my son from aftercare, this absolutely is possible enough days of the week. Maybe if I can actually make this happen, he’ll be more accommodating of my dojo commitments.
And I recognize that a lot of weird shit happened in the past six weeks, stuff that wouldn’t regularly impact our routines. I hurt my shoulder (a mild sprain, but it upended my dojo time for sure), I had Covid, my husband went out of town, my son had a giant school-adjacent camping trip, my daughter got sick, a massive, historic nine-day heat wave hit, my car became infested with ants (requiring a several-hour deep clean on a weekend night), my classroom became infested with ants (making me lose my GD mind), our downstairs fridge stopped being cold (which prompted me to spend an hour on Monday fixing the door, which didn’t fix it, two hours on Tuesday cleaning the condenser coils (which also didn’t fix it), and three hours on Wednesday defrosting the evaporator cells behind the freezer (which did fix it, but it might only be temporary because the appliance repair guy (who I actually like very much), says that shouldn’t happen unless something else is faulty (I’m hoping it was the broken door, which wasn’t sealing properly for several weeks, that caused them to frost over so badly, and not a faulty part).
It really does feel like thing after thing keeps coming and they are all stressful because there isn’t much I can do to fix any of them, and I hate feeling out of control. That kind of barrage of circumstances out of my control have really thrown me for a loop (the nine-day heat wave broke me, it really did), so maybe things will settle down and I’ll feel better?
Except there is so much coming at me right now. My son’s birthday party is next Sunday and I only just invited the last person today. My daughter has her first Homecoming next Friday, and they both need help buying/making their Halloween costumes. We need to invite the grandparents over for Son’s birthday party, but we can’t do that the weekend before because of Daughter’s HoCo (as she calls it). I hate having the grandparents over on a weeknight, but his birthday is Tuesday, so we’ll probably have them then. Then my husband is out of town again, starting the 27th, for a work conference in Dubai (which means I’ll be navigating Halloween night alone). Do you think he’s brainstorming ways to repay me for that time? Ha!
{To be clear, I don’t expect that for a work trip, but I can promise you that I was not afforded any “go to teh dojo as much as you want” messaging after he came back from a six day trip with his friend in September.}
I just feel like I’m drowning. And whenever I think it will get better, life throws me something else.
I honestly thought this year was going to be so much easier. The amount of time I’m spending in the car has decreased dramatically. And yet I’m still feeling totally underwater. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole.
And yes, I know my husband’s years-long, high functioning depression, is also a big part of this, but he has not been open to conversations about that, so I don’t want to bring it up unless I absolutely have to.
Which maybe I do… he’s gotten to a place where it’s not as pronounced as it was, but I feel like it surely must be affecting his mood and outlook, but we’ve been in it so long we don’t fully recognize it any more. It definitely complicates things, but if he says it’s no longer an issue, then I’m going to make decisions assuming he can manage life, and then if there is fallout, because he can’t (because it still is an issue), we’ll have that convo later.
And now it’s late and I either press publish or don’t so I’m just going to do it. TGIF tomorrow for real.
Oh gosh, that’s really hard, you should definitely be able to have that time – for your physical and mental health, sense of community, etc, and I’d hate to see you lose that to do some cleaning/organising? It just feels unfair that you’re running yourself ragged to keep all those plates in the air. I wonder as the kids get older and able to transport themselves, it might help, but it feels a slog and I’m sorry.
They are transporting themselves so much more now! And it is saving me time. Maybe it really is all the weird stuff that has happened since school started that has robbed me of those margins.
I really don’t understand why you feel the need to repay your husband for the time you take for you: he doesn’t do that so why should you ? Furthermore, you do almost everything for and with the kids, so he owes you if anything. Your kids are not small children so don’t need you to be there as much, they can stay by themselves. Your relationship seems very much lopsided and as if it lasts because you basically do 75% of all the work. Is it worth it ? Maybe you should ask yourself why is it that you still think you should be accomodating and in charge of everything whilst your husband can sulk and blame his shitty behaviour on his untreated depression.
Sorry for the harsh comment but your posts make me mad on your behalf. Good luck with everything and please try and be more assertive.
Honestly, the feeling the need to repay my husband for his time started a long time ago and had to do with a lot of factors. Now I do it (I think?) because I hope it will mitigate the aftermath of being away (on his mood). I think he is now better able to manage things when I’m away, but there is still some sulking, so I just try to be accommodating. Clearly I’ve created an unhealthy dynamic.
Honestly, it sounds like the dynamic of your marriage is the biggest issue. You don’t have a true partner. It sounds like your husband would benefit from therapy as “sulking” as an adult is not appropriate or healthy. It’s his responsibility to address his depression for himself and his family. You are taking on way more to care for your kids and mitigate his ups and downs, work schedule, etc. You are entitled to be a human and have free time to care for youself. If your partner thinks otherwise, that’s a huge red flag.
I really do think he tries, but he just gets really tired and worn out faster than I do. This has always been the case, since before depression was an issue. He needs more sleep, he takes longer to get better after being sick, he just needs more rest than I do. So I’ve tried to be respectful of that, but I guess I’ve created a dynamic that isn’t working.
I’m sorry that your husband is like this, both the depression and the sulking. And how he feels entitled to disappear for days at a time yet is upset when you’re out of the house for a few hours. Is the “give back time” a demand from him, or something you’re placing on yourself, or are you doing it as a way to help him manage his mood? Is it working?
Maybe it’s not the dojo time itself but the dojo injuries. Personally I’m fine with my husband exercising a lot, but I don’t have much sympathy when he hurts himself and that’s a whole additional thing taking up time and requiring accommodation.
And it does seem like you have an awful lot of balls in the air. Maybe if you want to keep the dojo, something else needs to be cut.
The injuries might be a big part of it actually, I hadn’t considered that. He has felt big feelings about the fact that I was hurt there. And while neither injury made it hard for me to do stuff at home, I have had to spend time doing PT and going to appointments. So that is a really good thing to bring up. Thank you for getting me to consider that.
You are welcome! I hope there are ways for you to still have an enjoyable time at the dojo but at a lower level of injury risk.
I don’t know, but this is a constant source of tension in our relationship, too. I get home from work, walk the dog, workout, cook and eat dinner, and then it’s time to get ready for bed. And I don’t see how any of that can change. I’m already getting up at 5:30 every morning and I’m unwilling to get up at 4:45 to workout in the morning. My husband feels like I don’t spend time with him and I feel like it’s unfair that I’m walking the dog and working out and cooking the dinner. Like…that’s a lot of things that need to be done for the running of the household and what’s he doing during that time? I don’t think you are alone in some of this tension.
I appreciate you saying you that you have similar issues. Sometimes I feel like we’re the only ones, and it’s so isolating.
Same! I put my younger one to bed every night and then I am just so wiped out and my husband is hurt I don’t spend time with him. But I’m so exhausted from my kids’ constant demands. Not to mention the resistance they put up to my demands.
I guess I’m lucky that both my husband and I are so tired at the end of the day, neither of us wants to hang out. Our older kid is awake until 10pm+ most nights too, which doesn’t leave any time for us to hang out alone anyway. Our house is small, and we like to stay upstairs to makes sure she eventually gets to bed.
Two more thoughts:
1) Is it possible your husband has something in addition to depression, like he has a physical health issue or he has inattentive ADD or something? I was the more-tired, more-sick person in my marriage and it was hard, but when I got my tonsils out I had SO much more energy and wasn’t sick as often. It was like night and day. Similarly things like anemia, thyroid, low T, sleep apnea, can really make life difficult and the symptoms can be very similar to depression. Not at all suggesting that he doesn’t have depression, but would it be easier for him to consider and address a possible physical component?
2) Maybe you need to leave more space in your life for things to come up. Because it’s always something. When you are responsible for a home and have four human bodies to care for, it’s always always always going to be something. Yes, this past month was particularly bad with the heat and the ants, but you’re also saying you have a lot on the calendar coming up in the next month. Maybe you’re overscheduling yourself and you need to accept that these busy times are not random fluke events, they’re the norm. So your life needs to be structured with enough time to handle the things that come up. Because they always, always do.
I don’t think his low energy/need for rest is caused by an underlying condition. I think it just is who he is. And I almost certainly need more space in my life. I started The Plan and Kendra Adachi talks about prioritizing one thing and I was immediately freaking out. I was like, HOW ONLY ONE!? I haven’t finished the book yet so I haven’t written about it yet, but it is definitely on my mind right now.
This is so hard. In our case, it helps that we BOTH are kind of on the high end with our need to exercise and both train for marathons, so a) we both get each other’s mild compulsion to do it and b) it sort of evens out that way anyway.
That said – the thing that stuck out to me here is the age of your kids. No one needs to follow them around the house anymore so I would hope you being gone for what sounds like a very reasonable amount of time should be not a lot of stress on ANYONE, right? Are the kid able to stay for short stints alone yet?
They can absolutely be alone and they are alone a large chunk of the time. The problem is our son really needs structure or to go out and do something. He just wants to play video games, or watch TV, or read comics on his iPad. He really struggles to entertain himself without a screen, which means we have to plan SOMETHING for him on a weekend day. He cannot just be home all day. And my husband never plans anything for just him, so I end up taking him to the Great Highway so I can run and he can bike ride, or taking his friends and him to the skate park to scooter and skateboard, or just going somewhere to do something. If we don’t get him out of the house, everyone loses their minds.
My husband never has planned a play date ever. And I’ve done plenty of supervised play dates that were me and a dad and he’s never been the parent at a non-drop off playdate without me. It drives me crazy he doesn’t make plans for them that don’t involve getting food.
Interesting! In our family, I’m the one that hates unstructured “get the kids out of the house” activities. I don’t mind doing something social with another family or going to say, the museum, but casually taking kids for outdoor stuff has REALLY lost its luster for me over the years. Sometimes Josh will suggest I do something like that while he’s on call and I’ll be like, “nope!”. But I don’t feel bad about it, really. If they spend some minor proportion of weekend days mostly playing video games, it’s not the end of the world and I’m pretty sure I did the same on my NES from time to time. What helps us is that there are enough structured activities in their lives (mostly from sports, and sometimes from friend stuff) that the need for these casual outings is less now. I know that takes $ and logistics AND the type of kid who enjoys those activities – not always a given!!
While I never wished my daughter had weekend activities, I definitely wish my son did. He’s been swimming on Sat mornings and he’s at a level where the next goal is basically building the stamina required to swim on a team, which we’re not sure he wants to do. But we’ve kept him in the lessons (despite the $$$) because it’s so nice to have a crucify built into his Saturdays. It gets us out of the house, we run an errand afterward (it’s by a mall with a TJs and and Whole Foods) and then he comes home and takes a long bath. It’s great. But he doesn’t have anything on Sundays which leaves the day wide open and soooo long. So usually Sunday I take him somewhere. Otherwise we all get cranky. And honestly I used to like going out and doing stuff with them. But now it’s feeling more like a chore. (Except when I run and he rides his bike on the Great Highway – I still love that.)
I take my kids out of the house all the time too and my husband rarely does. But if he plans an outing it is a slight if I don’t go. But no one, not even the kids, expects him to come with us, especially if there are other families involved. He’s taking the kids to a baseball game and a birthday party without me on Sunday and I feel kind of guilty about it? Because he rarely does the birthday parties (the younger still isn’t fully at drop off parties). It’s interesting because I always thought your commitment to the dojo seemed untenable to me too! Not because of your husband, but because I think I need way more downtime than you do so I don’t get how you go, go, go and also don’t use outside help for repairs, building furniture, moving large objects. Your schedule exhausts me. But as for your husband, my older kid is the same age as your younger and spending time with him really isn’t a chore. He keeps to himself a lot and is also happy to be with a friend for hours on end. So I’m not sure what is so hard for your husband. Then again, my six year old is WAY more challenging than my older one was at that age so maybe your almost 11 year old is still very draining. Not sure. But I don’t get it. I would imagine your teenager probably ignores you most of the day?
My almost-11 year old requires a lot more time and attention than my older one did at his age. He really struggles to entertain himself without a screen. He gets angry and frustrated a lot more. He is just a kid that needs a lot more time, attention, and emotional regulation from us.
And yes, my schedule is exhausting to a lot of people I’m sure. There have been times in my training at the dojo where I was happy to be away a lot, but right now I’m really liking it. My time there is some of my only time doing something of my choice. I have friends there and it challenges me both mentally and physically. I feel accomplished when I’m mastering something challenging. I’ve been teaching the same things and the same school for 20 years, so the dojo is the only place where I feel like I’m growing. I don’t know. I’m sure it’s hard to understand, but it’s my favorite place to be right now. I have friends there and it’s the only place I get to talk to other adults (in person) that I really enjoy.
Well, you probably know where I stand on this. You absolutely should NOT have to “repay” the amount of time you spend exercising. But- it’s complicated. When I’m doing really long runs, I feel guilty if I’m gone on a Sunday morning. So I try to do them on a Wednesday, while everyone is at school/work so it doesn’t take away from family time. But not everyone has the luxury of a weekday off, and besides, why SHOULD I feel guilty? Why should WE feel guilty??? It’s not like we have toddlers. And we have to have our own interests, not just for our own sanity, but it’s good for our kids to see us involved in our own passions. I agree with another commenter that the underlying issue seems to be the dynamic in your marriage. I know- it’s complicated. I feel bad for you that you feel so overwhelmed by all of this. Good luck with the birthday and HoCo (yes, that seems to be the new term) and everything else going on. I hope some of this tension resolves soon.
It sounds like the Dojo is an escape hatch both socially and skill building. You asked the question if part of his upset about the Dojo was due to you being injured. A good topic to talk about. Also good is to find out if HE feels you need to ‘make up’/’find him’ more quiet time to himself and if he would like to spend more time one on one with the children. He may not be a good planner or may not feel secure in doing these things or may not know you would like ‘time off’/’non-household work’ time at home. It has been the norm so it becomes invisible. Would a third party/therapist be helpful in having discussions like this?
A housekeeper would not have solved the problems of refrigerator/ants/heat/etc but might reduce some of your stress. I do believe the world works better for two working parents if someone else cleans the bathroom, vacuums, deep cleans; but know it costs real money.
One parent traveling (for work or other) is always hard on the parent who is home, some extra costs/help may need to be budgeted to offset this. Also, some couples time alone, when the absent parent returns, to support the connections is good. The traveling parent may have some unacknowledged guilt over being gone.
Your overwhelm is, I think based on hearsay, fairly normative these days for many wives in families composed like yours.
I do not know the answers but send support, and a reminder to look at what your hormones are doing. Hormones play the devil when accompanied by the stresses you have had since school started.
More accidents happen when we are tired, stressed and frayed.
Note: You did not mention the additional national and international stuff on the political and climate fronts that are playing out and impacting the resilience of so many people. It IS real stress, and out of our control … wearing us down silently.
I care about all in your generation, it is very very hard.
The way I see it, partners want each other to grow and succeed and get what they need–sleep, exercise, social time, time to focus on work etc. Of course that’s not always possible, there’s only 24 hrs a day and sometimes the needs of the two parties conflict, so then there has to be discussion, compromise, etc etc. But the give and take has to be two sided.
Friend, you hav a lot of helpful comments on here so I can’t really say anything else. I think my partner feels like he should repay me since he travels for work while I am with the kids and a full time job. So yes, I do DO more for the kids because my job does not involve travel.
I do like to get the kids out of the house and experience things with them which comes from my anxious personality. Example: NJ teacher convention is coming up, we have four days off, I could very well just stayed home with them but I’d rather visit Lancaster, PA with them. Well, I want to see it, too. The kids are coming along because I want them to have the travel/exploration bug.
My partner does not have the luxury of having many days off since he is not a teacher so I take advantage of the fact that I am off more days than he is.
Where as I going with this? I don’t know. Hugs friend.