I’m really struggling right now. I’m struggling with anxiety in a way I haven’t in a long time. Maybe ever. It started when I saw the proposed plan for next school year that my district sent out early last week. It has to be approved by the board, and then negotiated with our union, so it’s certainly not a final draft. But the proposal was panic-inducing. They are talking about us teaching 3-4 hours (non-content specific) on campus in the morning four days a week while also meeting with students who elect not to come to campus, and pushing our content-specific work in the afternoons. This is after we disinfect our own classrooms every day before we leave so that the other group we see can come in the next day. On Friday, we have time to prep and grade all the online work, and I suppose prepare for in-class hours the next week. I don’t think we’ll be creating the content we are teaching in the classroom, but we’ll have to learn it well enough to teach it. From what I can tell, they are basically asking us to do two full time jobs, while also acting as custodians. It’s insane.
Again, I know the plan will change significantly before we start in the fall, but seeing the proposed plan makes me realize just how hard next year is going to be. If I thought I worked long hours this past spring, I’m now confident that the next school year will be much, much worse.
I also don’t know if my own kids will be on their campus at all, and even if they are, when and how will I help them with their online learning? The only thing keeping me from panicking on that front is that my husband doesn’t have to return to his office until 2021, so I know he’ll at least be in the house through December.
The whole thing feels like a disaster, and I am processing that while realizing that this is not our new normal for just the fall, or even the next school year, but probably for years to come.
It’s overwhelming. And it’s causing me a lot of anxiety.
I also have a hard choice to make and I am feeling very indecisive about it. I don’t want to bring it up here, because I’m less and less interested in inviting other people to judge me and my decisions, but I will admit that it’s not helping my anxiety at all.
I don’t think I’ll be here much, at least for a little while. I’m struggling to participate in the blog world at all right now – for a number of reasons, and showing up here is feeling harder and harder.
I’ve worked through acute anxiety before, but I’m not as familiar with it as I am with depression and it’s harder for me to manage. I’m going to have to figure something out, but it’s hard when I’m with my kids 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Things are just really hard right now.
And yet I recognize that I’m one of the lucky ones, who has more than most during this incredibly difficult time. It’s terrifying to think of how bad things must be for most people in this country. I still sometimes can’t even wrap my head around the fact that this is happening.
Just sending virtual socially-distanced hugs and support. I has to be incredibly hard to be a teacher right now. I know this is a silly little thing but if you CAN, try to not to focus on the far horizons. I am normally obsessed w/ planning and thinking about the future but it has helped me to think in 1 week chunks (max). Sometimes day and sometimes hour.
You also have full permission & right to wallow in the sadness right now. And to take a break if that is what you need. <3
Thanks for the virtual socially distanced hugs. I have been pretty good about taking it one day at a time, and not dwelling to much on a future I can’t anticipate, let alone control, but it’s been hard to get back into that mindset, for whatever reason right now. As I’m writing this I’m realizing I’m probably going to get my period this week, which is probably contributing to my feelings of hopeless, overwhelm and despair. Actually recognizing that makes me a feel a little better.
I have full on PMDD and started on generic Yaz about 6 months ago and it has SAVED me. Not saying this is the solution for everyone but I was crumbling for nearly half the month and now things are much MUCH better – even with COVID.
Even for those of us who are so fortunate, life is full of sadness and challenges we couldn’t imagine 6 months ago. I ricocheted between wallowing and being overly productive/structured for the first 6 weeks – and now resignation, gentleness for myself and others, and more focus on the day to day. Big Hug.
I know it is hard even for the fortune among us. I did that same ricocheting at the beginning, and I think the frenzy of work kept me from thinking about anything long term, but now my mind is not so preoccupied with planning for the next day, or week, of school and I think it opened up space for me to consider the actual future and it’s terrifying. I need to get back to a mindset that is more manageable.
I’m sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. This is hard and most people a panicking at least a little bit. Employers can ask for a lot but it doesn’t mean that employees are going to be able to deliver. Employers are making plans (which they have to do) but they are working blindly too and are planning in the “hope” that these plans will actually work. I guess your teaching union will try to adjust these proposals to be more manageable for the teaching staff. In the UK the teacher unions practically told the government to “get lost” and consequently the proposed return to school in England has had to be delayed as the unions refused to agree that it was safe to return to the classroom before September.The rest of the UK, including Scotland where I live, are not returning either. The teachers here seem to have been able to stand up for themselves and refuse to be bulldozed by the government and the local education authorities. Many other employers though are bringing pressure onto their staff with plans to return to work which potentially place their staff in danger. It’s not a nice position to be in, to be forced to do something that feels wrong or misguided.The panic to get the economy moving is going to result in many employees being put under huge pressure. It’s hard.
I would expect our union to just flat out refuse a plan like that, but they have a thin line to walk between advocating for us and maintaining the support of the parent community. We need parent support and if they really want their kids back in school (they do) and our union flat out refuses, it will not go over well. And I don’t necessarily think a flat out refusal to go back is the right call. It’s so complicated. I just know that in a district with as many upper middle class parents as mine has, expectations will be very high. We already cut staff and aren’t replacing teachers who left or retired because of budget cuts. Next years is going to be really hard no matter what it looks like.
All my empathies! That sounds like a very unrealistic proposal and I hope it’ll be reworked dramatically enough to be much more manageable. I have no inkling of how that might look, and our child is eagerly anticipating entering kindergarten in the fall. We caution them that we don’t have a clue what the fall will look like but they’re impervious. Meanwhile I’m tied up in knots as a planner who cannot plan anything because we know nothing. Sigh.
I’m realizing I did have an inkling of how my school would look and I thought it would look a lot differently, at least for me as an elective teacher. Seeing that proposal really shook me out of a comfortable stupor and into reality and it’s been hard.
My kids seem to understand that we don’t know what next year will look like, but I still catch them talking about next year like it will be mostly normal and I have to gently remind them that it won’t be. Not knowing what their days will be like is definitely adding significantly to my stress. And I don’t think SFUSD will be announcing anything, proposed or otherwise, until very close to the next school year.
I’m curious why you think this will be our reality for years to come? I 100% do not think that am just trying to understand why you do. I think this fall will probably still be a mess, but there’s only so much teachers and parents can take, and that will force things to keep evolving on the schooling front.
FYI, I tested positive for COVID-19 last week, and so far I’m fine. Had body aches last Wednesday and tested out of precaution. Felt 100% fine since Friday. I’m hoping that as this virus continues to spread, most cases will be like mine and between that and an eventual vaccine we may get to herd immunity sooner than later.
Wow, you are the first person I actually know to have it! I’m sorry you are dealing with that but also so glad it’s not awful. I will admit that I’m assuming if I get it, it will be equally mild for me, but then I think I’m crazy for assuming that (even though the data supports it).
I think this will be our new normal for years because I don’t actually believe they will find a vaccine that is effective enough to put a quick stop to this (many doctors I know have told me the chances are slim they will find one that is more than 50% effective), and it will take years to get to heard immunity (60% of 330 million (or 7 billion!) is a lot of people). And I just don’t see our federal or even local governments getting it together enough to make the sweeping policy changes necessary to improve the situation for any of us. This virus isn’t going away and absent an effective vaccine (which usually require 10-15 years to develop) we’re in for a lot of years like this.
Agreed, but I also think people will have less and less fear of it the more this goes on and the more we learn about it, and schools will reopen and teachers/other school adults who are more likely to actually contract it will know how to follow safety precautions and that’s just how it will be. Kids don’t seem to be big vectors of this – they just aren’t.
I know they aren’t. But I assume there will never be data definitive enough to drive policy that reflects that. People are very cautious where kids are concerned and liability will always trend policy toward the overly cautious. So I think actual practice will not reflect that reality for a LONG time, if ever.
I’m glad you are feeling ok! Do you know how you got it?
I also don’t think this will go on for years. I listen to and read so many interviews with experts and they all seem to think a vaccine is very likely (though not by the end of the year or early next year) and that even if it isn’t more than 50 percent effective at preventing disease it could still be very effective at preventing serious illness. Of course, any vaccine won’t be approved for children for awhile so who knows what can happen with school.
My kid’s school is opening in August and I get scared when I think about it. We’ve been pretty careful and really trying to limit contact with other households so it seems crazy to throw them into school. But, what is the alternative? I really don’t want to get it because from what I hear, even minor cases can result in prolonged illness. The idea is having to separate from my kids while I recover is very anxiety producing. And of course I don’t want to infect anyone else!
I know people who Have been severely impacted by covid; no one under age 20, long term health impacts and fatality. Healthy people prior to onset, not just compromised elderly.
The plan currently proposed is absolutely anxiety provoking and outside your control. Your reactions seem very reasonable to me. I hope you decide you are able to continue here but want you above all else to take care of you. No idea, of course, what the other major decision is that is up now. I do have faith that you will look at all your options and decide on your best path forward. I can say that you have good judgement and perseverance skills … and that it is important that you be as kind to you as I see you constantly be to the others in your life.
Thank you for each and every post. You have been a constant source of strength, perspective and normalization of my emotions. But, obviously, you must take care of you. I will continue to look daily for communication so if you need to stay away, please know I am sending good wishes and support your way. And if you discover you will not come back please tell us ….. Angels at your shoulders.
I know there are healthy young people that have very bad, even fatal, outcomes. I know I’m also not that young anymore. I also know there are lots of young people that recover quickly or have few symptoms. Those cases are the ones that are under counter or not counter at all. I’m choosing to focus on the statistical possibility of me or my kids falling very ill and it’s low. I’m choosing to focus on numbers instead of individual cases because that is what makes sense to me. Everyone has to focus on what makes sense to them. I’m also following the advice of medical professionals I know personally. It’s the best I can do.