This is not what I thought this week would feel like. I thought I would feel light and jubilant. Those adjectives could not be farther from how I feel.
I feel so bad that I realized pretty quickly that it’s probably hormone related. I wish I didn’t respond so poorly to even low dose birth control or I’d be knocking down my doctor’s door asking for HRT. But my assumption is that it will make me feel even more out-of-control emotionally so I haven’t pursued it. I also believe that if I say, “every kind of hormonal BCP made me a raging bitch who cried all the time, do you think HRT will do the same?” my doctor will have any idea how to respond. I think Western medicine has no idea how or why some women respond in certain ways to hormones, because it doesn’t care about the emotional well being of women, especially not of those past child bearing age.
My lower back is killing me, but I can’t do any of the stretches that make it feel better because they all involve bringing my butt to me heels, which I can’t do. I’ve been working on increasing flexion in my knee so my knee is sore. I don’t feel like I’ve gained ANY flexion in my knee, despite working on it consistently. I’m starting to worry I’ll never be able to bend my knee comfortably again. I’ve cried ugly tears over my fears that my knee will be like this forever. Now that I’ve finished my test, I’ve moved past that one concrete goal to the simple, burning desire to just have my knee back the way it was. I want to run. I want to sit cross legged, or on my knees. I just want my knee back.
A bunch of teachers are leaving at my school and it’s a bummer. Every year teachers leave, but this year a lot of teachers are leaving. They leave every year for myriad reasons, but this year many of them are leaving because of frustrations around the way things are run in our district. It just makes me wonder why I’m still there, why I stay there and have plans to always stay there. It just makes me question a lot of things, and when large amounts of staff leave it creates a lot of uncertainty.
A lot of changes are happening at the dojo too. It’s a non-profit, community dojo, so change is bound to happen. The next few weeks will bring a lot of upheaval in main leadership positions. Again, it means uncertainty in a space that has come to mean a lot to me. I’m struggling with it.
Things at home aren’t great either. I feel like the efforts I made while my husband was away are not being recognized, and instead I feel like I’m being criticized for reacting negatively under pressure. It drives me all kinds of crazy when I’m put in impossible situations and then when I’m pushed to my limit and snap, he tells me I need to chill out. If he had to get through last week he would have totally imploded, but I’m not allowed to even blow off some steam after seven days of intense stress.
He’s also miserable at work, so he’s totally unable to support me. Right now I have nothing to give him, and I can tell he’s a little surprised by my lack of empathy. I just can’t right now.
It’s been a shitty week. And this weekend won’t provide much respite. But I took next Friday off (or I’m going to put in for it – my friend said she can sub for me), and I’m really hoping I can recharge then. It feels impossibly far away, but hopefully my hormones will even out before then, and my chiropractic appointment early next week will provide some relief for my back.
Tomorrow is Thursday. I hate Thursdays, and tomorrow will be as especially bad Thursday. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. God I hope it’s not as bad as I’m imagining…
Oh honey, hugs to you. My luteal phase is next week and oh I’m already dreading it. I jumped ship three years ago, gave up tenure, but this current district has much better policies and teachers feel more appreciated overall. The other district had high turnover and high expectations of teachers but not students. And that is not good.
I’m sorry to hear this week has been so awful for you.
A gentle challenge – you’re making a lot of assumptions about what you THINK a doctor would say about HRT without actually talking to someone trained in it! Maybe give it a shot and see what they would actually suggest since clearly the hormonal shifts are drastically affecting you pretty regularly at this point. Or maybe look for a naturopath who can meld eastern and western medicine for you? Better than just assuming nobody can help you, because you’re definitely not the only woman in her 40s going through this who has historically been sensitive to hormonal medicine!
Your husband…ugh. It just makes me frustrated for you that you’re always supposed to have bandwidth for him and it’s never returned. Has he ever considered looking for a different job?
I have talked to my OBGYN about it. She thinks I won’t respond well to it if I didn’t respond well to BCPs because it’s the same hormones. I have not tried to find someone who would blend Eastern and Western medicines though. Honestly I hadn’t had episodes like this much and then in the last month I’ve had two. They are probably related to the stress I’ve been under. I wish there were something I could take just when I get like this to help take the edge off. Maybe that is what I can ask about.
And yes, my husband considers leaving his job every day. That is why he is traveling so much this year, he’s beefing up his resume with conference talks and trying to network with people while he’s there. But yes, we talk about him leaving his job constantly. Right now, with his job covering our health insurance, he can’t really leave without having something else lined up. Not without it hurting our finances tremendously.
Job hunting is an absolute pit. Being spouse to the hunter is worse because you have even less control over the situation, the hunter has little control over anything other than looking for openings & applying. Sounds like he IS doing that. I gather his current health benefits are way better & more affordable than those offered by your district. Makes it tough.
Hormones are really nasty issues. I remember. Ask again, including question of anti-depression meds….. but those, too, are super tricky and generally ‘every day all the time’ meds; not ‘occasional use as needed’ meds.
Recognizing it is hormones is helpful but does not change impact. Other common aids; trying for more exercise (tough with your obligations), more time in sunlight (impossible when school is in session ), no sugar/grains diet (might not help with YOUR body).
SORRY I have no magic. Hormones can be hard. Topical hormonal therapy for pelvic health is important but does not answer the systemic impact of hormonal fluctuations that you are experiencing (to my knowledge). Ask doc about those low dose options however because it is knowledge you will need in the future.
I always find it interesting when people stay in jobs they hate because of health insurance. C and I have NEVER had a job that provided health insurance – not once in our entire lives! We used to purchase coverage through the exchange (ACA/Obamacare), but we found the cost to be really high and not worth it for us, so now for the past 7 years we just have major medical coverage through a health sharing program. For $376/mo we have a $5k deductible and $225k/yr of coverage per incident. S is currently having a scary health event (she’s going to Children’s Hospital in Denver Tuesday for a fixed & dilated pupil, it’s terrifying freaking stuff), and I’ll have to pay the office visit out of pocket, but considering we’ve saved over $200k in insurance premiums the past 7 years, it feels not so bad. All that to say, I wouldn’t stay in a job I hated just because of insurance benefits – there are other options out there!
Good luck with everything, I hope your weekend has been better than your week was.
I’ve always assumed that with my daughter and my prescriptions that a high deductible plan like that wouldn’t work out in our favor, but maybe I’m mistaken. When I was on Strattera, that definitely was the case, but now that I’m on a generic ritilin, it might not matter as much. If he changes jobs, we’ll probably look into it. When we were buying our own insurance, my husband had catastrophic coverage with a high deductible, so we’ve definitely gone that route before.
Dang, perspective is so crazy! When I wrote $5k deductible that felt like SO LOW because everything we ever had access to through the exchange was $10-15k deductible per person! For us it makes sense because premiums were SO high on the old plan that now we pay $4,500/yr in premiums (for a family of 4) with a $5k deductible and before we paid $30k in premiums with a $13k deductible, so this is working way better for us! Keep you options open is all I was saying. 🙂