This past week I finished a two week summer intensive that was, well, intense. I had to apply for the opportunity and was very excited to participate. Every day we learned a ton of new stuff and even started applying it to our specific content and grade levels. I left wanting to try everything, and knowing that it would be too much to attempt it all.
I also left feeling disappointed in myself, for the quality of work I presented and my failure to “put myself out there” to create a network of educators who are as passionate about teaching in new ways as I am. There were a lot of reasons why I didn’t feel like I was bringing my A-game, and I don’t believe listing them here would be very effective. Instead I’m just trying to hone in the source of my disappoint so I can explore and learn from it.
I’m sure these professional (and personal) insecurities stem from the deep well of self-doubt that was tapped when I applied for all those high school positions a few years ago. And that well was always there, and was always deep, I was just able to forget about it for a while as family building and parenting babies and toddlers took over my brain space for almost a decade. Now that my children are old enough for me to put more energy into my professional life, I need to figure out where this self-doubt and disappointment comes from, so I can learn from it. If you have any suggestions for articles (or books) about these topics, please send them my way. I promise I’m not getting all down on myself, it’s more recognizing that I feel a certain way about myself wanting to be proactive about learning from that feeling so that this experience can help me change and grow.
What do you do when you feel disappointed in, or doubt yourself? Do you have a reliable method for turning (real or perceived) failure into an effective learning experience?
Self-doubt. We are absolutely acculturated into it. And girls differently than boys. Girls being taught more deference and boys to fake it. We all also tend to count our failures not our successes and that focus on where we are less than perfect overwhelms us. You mention you did not 100% bring your A game; consider if even once you brought A game during the program and all the time you brought B game and then the benefits you gained even from B game, new ideas, inspirations. Some blogger talked about doing enough to get by so survival on all fronts happened even without perfection. Maybe perfection and 100% A game ought not be the goal. As a way bigger self critic than you, and at it WAAAY longer, I only know that when I began remember to treat and judge myself with human compassion rather than against an unachievable perfectionist standard my life improved. Add some self-praise to your life. I think you, and most of your generation, are doing remarkably well in highly difficult circumstances and times.
I regularly feel like an underachiever at my job. Most disinterested outsiders would probably say that I am pretty good at what I do, but I mostly perceive that many of my peers are more successful.
And don’t even get me started on my feelings of inadequacy as a parent! That would be enough material for an essay of its own. 😉
I don’t have a reliable method for turning (real or perceived) failure into an effective learning experience. I generally just try to focus on what I can control and ignore those feelings.
I feel like this a lot and I haven’t found a sure-fire way to head it off yet. At this point in my career-life I’m slowing down because I totally burned out. It’s so trite, but something I’ve had to hear over and over again: Be gentle with yourself. Ever read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown? that’s a great one!