I think one of the things stressing me out right now is this feeling that I should take advantage of this summer to instill some productive habits into myself and my kids. It’s so easy, when we have camp to get to and trips to take, to let the summer fly by without changing much about how we go about our days. But this summer we are home. And I am around. And I feel like I should take advantage of that.
My kids don’t really do any chores. They clean up their rooms about once a week (with our help), but that is about it. I REALLY want to add some chores into our daily routine so that they see themselves as contributing members of our household (and so they actually do some of the stuff that otherwise I would do!)
So far my attempts have been a disaster. This is probably because I am horrible at doing chores too. My house is a mess, and it’s hard to request they keep their rooms clean when the living room isn’t much neater. I also don’t feel I’m very good at teaching them how to clean up their spaces. My daughter is so much like me that I find her room impossible to tackle – I send my husband in there to help her and I deal with my son’s room.
We started with a beautiful chore chart and they were each supposed to earn a certain number of points during the week by doing a certain number of chores. Chores were broken down into 1-point tasks so they would be easy for the kids to complete. They had to do as many chores points as their age, so our daughter had to do slightly more than our son. We made it through the first week okay, but quickly fell out of the habit. The second week I was actually reminding them and they basically refused to do stuff. In the end I was too tired to have the battles over the screen time that we promised we’d take away if they didn’t contribute.
The week of trying out different stuff did help my daughter figure out what she liked to do best, and what she really disliked doing. She hates wiping off the kitchen counters in the morning (which I think is a super easy, and satisfying, chore), but she doesn’t mind cleaning the bathroom (which, in my opinion, is the worst!)
So I have been teaching my daughter how to clean the bathroom and she now cleans the upstairs bathroom (sink, toilet, floor) twice a month and cleans the bathtub once a month. It certainly needs a little work after she’s done, but she’s learning how to do it.
We have them bring their dishes into the kitchen sink, and we were having them load the dishwasher but that required more energy from me than it was worth. My husband actually does the dishes and isn’t interested in training them on it so I’ve let that possibility go.
I do their laundry but am having them put away their clothes. My daughter (10yo) has to put away everything, I only make my son (6yo) put away his pjs, socks and underwear. I still fold and put away his shirts and pants.
I was making my daughter actually fold her laundry but that fight got old pretty fast so now I just require it be put into drawers that can be closed. The clothes she wears now are terribly wrinkled but I’m just letting it go because I feel like it’s not my place to make her do things the way I want them done. I tell myself that as long as her dresser can function it’s not really my business. At least, I’m willing to concede it if she at least gets the clothes put away. I’m assuming at some point in her life she will get sick of wearing wrinkled clothes and ask me how to fold them again.
I tried to teach my son to sweep but he almost smashed a hole in our TV with the end of the broom twice so I stopped. I’ve had him vacuum his carpet a couple of times but he insists on wearing ear plugs and I’m almost out of those…
I honestly don’t know what else to have them do. Their attitudes about it suck, even though we’ve tried to frame it as everyone helping out so that we can all be happier. My daughter seems to get it and wants to help but my son is frankly a jerk about it. He seems to have zero interest in contributing. I’m really hoping it’s his age and that I am not raising an asshat.
I didn’t have to do many chores until I was older and honestly I think that is part of why I’m so bad at basic adult functioning now (or maybe my mom tried and I was so useless distracted and unhelpful she just eventually gave up. Cleaning the bathroom and loading the dishwasher were definitely my chores eventually but I don’t know if I ever did my own laundry until college(!!).) I want to make sure my kids are doing more.
Did you do chores as a kid? If so, which ones and at how old? Do you make your own kids do chores (if you have any)? How do you frame them?
Oh my gosh yes! I did chores from at least the time I was 3 and possibly younger- but I can remember that. When I was little (3-5) it was making my bed, picking up toys, straightening room etc. Toys were always confined to my room unless maybe I was coloring in the family room and that had to be put away if I got up. As I got older changing my sheets, vacuuming my room, cleaning the bathroom, putting the trash out to the curb,loading the dishwasher, setting the table, getting the mail (it was a hike). Those are some of the chores I remember. Screens weren’t a thing in my world- but I had an allowance and if I didn’t do my chores I wouldn’t have gotten it. But, I always did my chores because it was expected. I know I never cleaned some of my room to my mom’s satisfaction though. LOL
Thank you for the list. There are a few things I could add to mine and start incorporating in.
Absolutely- I wish I could remember more but it was just part of life. And my mom is long gone. I do remember as I read some of the others that while she did all the laundry I did a lot of folding. I especially remember sorting socks from a very very young age.
All three of my children have chores they do daily, weekly and monthly. They have been doing them since they could walk. Someone loads the dish washer, someone washes dishes, something sets and clears the table. They all put their own clothes away, pick up their rooms, playroom and living room. Carry dirty clothes from their rooms to the basement for washing and back and put them away, folded. Someone sweeps and mops, someone vacuums and everyone washes counters, tables and windows. Sometimes there is a struggle from one but the other two generally shape that one up and they all work to get it done quickly. Our motto is everyone pitches in .. My kids are 8, 6 and 4. AS they get older other chores will be added (cooking family meals, which they assist with bc they love it) taking out the trash, currently none of mine are strong enough, and taking care of animals alone. Surprisingly they are all very good at what they do and take pride in doing it. I don’t give stickers or money for helping where they live either… We do a lot of fun adventures so everyone is super happy with life generally.
Wow. That is amazing. If my kids did all that I would never have to lift a finger at home! I need to get on this. I’ve obviously not done something right and now I have an uphill battle to climb on this stuff, but I’m realizing it is a hill I’m prepared to die on, as it were. I just need to figure out a plan and stick to it.
I don’t think it’s something you didn’t do right. We started all the same things as above and my 9 year old has struggled ability wise (executive functioning) and attitude wise (super stubborn, highspirited, etc). When he’s feeling well, body and mind, he can do a lot, but it’s hit or miss. From what I can tell, you have similar kids I mine ;).
I was 1 of 5 kids, so we DEFINITELY did chores. It rotates daily (on a chart) who did what, but we had it broken up by sweep/mop, dishes, bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. By age 7 in my house you were responsible for all laundry. My boyfriend didn’t do his until college, and I thought that was the weirdest thing. I frankly think we don’t expect enough from our kids!
My kids are 6.5 and 8.5 and definitely doing more and more around the house. Stella can throw laundry in the washer by herself and start it, I move it to the dryer b/c it’s a top loader and she simply can’t reach the bottom, but they put every single thing away (they share a room and I literally lock them in to finish it if they’re not cooperating, no fun until they have their laundry put away). It’s definitely not all folded perfectly, but if it’s in the drawer, I don’t care and that cuts down on arguments.
We run our dishwasher every single day. That used to kill me b/c of water usage, but I realized that whether the dishwasher was 75% full or 100%, it was WAY BETTER to just run it every night and then the kids know that first thing when they come down in the morning they have to empty it. Everyone loads the dishwasher with their own dishes throughout the day, my husband and I generally trade off doing the big pots and such by hand, and the kids are responsible for emptying/putting away every morning. It took daily nagging for a couple weeks, but now they’re so used to it they just do it without me asking at all!
Sweeping/mopping they’re both terrible at, but getting better with practice. They love the Swiffer Wet Jet, so that helps motivate them to do sweeping b/c they fight over who gets to Swiffer then. Ha! They both dust and do windows as well.
Bathrooms are next on my list to teach them this summer!
My son recently turned 7. He has to clear off the table, puts away silverware from the dishwasher, and help with vacuuming/swiffering. He has to put clothes away and I could care less if they’re folded correctly so long as drawers and the closet door is closed. He takes off his sheets and helps me remake the bed, then he is in charge of making it in the mornings. Over the time home, he learned to clean the bathroom and like your daughter enjoys it (kids are weird). No stickers or cash because those don’t motivate me and so I’d never remember for him. We do need to start looking into an allowance since I want him to learn money skills earlier than I did, but I haven’t gotten there yet.
My 9 year old unloads the dishwasher really well…when he’s feeling well and everything is going well in his world. He also carries laundry down to the basement for me, watches the almost two year old when I have Skype therapy for an hour or just need a shower, takes the dog out to pee or feeds him, or for a walk. He can collect all the trash from the little cans in various rooms and put it in the big can. He can vaccum (have you tried earmuff style ear protection rather than ear plugs?) with our stick vacuum because it’s really maneuverable. And he can pick up toys if I give him one category at a time (pick up all the train stuff etc). When he’s dysregulated, he can barely function other than to swing or watch tv, though, so I try to keep him as regulated as possible with sleep, no interactive screens (tv doesn’t seem to bother him unless he watches YouTube videos of people playing video games 🙄), and eating well.
All that to say, routine is good, high expectations are good, but some kids are just hard and that’s not a parental failing, as much as people like to look in from the outside and judge. My sister thinks all of our “problems” would be solved if just spanked him from the beginning. Yes, that would have definitely fixed his sensory problems, and brain inflammation, etc. Just beat or punish the right neurotransmitters into him. /sarcasm
You’re doing a great job. As they get older and can reason better, it’s amazing how much moreythey can do.
My toddler picks up after himself without me asking, will wipe up spills on his own, and lets the dog out if he hears him whine. I didn’t train him to do any of that, lol. They are so totally different kids and not biologically related so have totally different skill sets.
My kids (10 and 11) have a whole list of chores: making their beds, sweeping the kitchen, wiping down counters, loading and emptying the dishwasher, tidying their rooms, taking out the recycling/trash, putting their clean clothes away.
They are both learning how to cook and bake and so are responsible for simple meals (pancakes, pasta, grilled cheese).
We have a family deep clean night once a week when we all work together to get the kitchen clean. The routine really helps: for example, one is responsible for sweeping the kitchen floor during one month while the other is responsible for wiping the table and counters. At the end of the month, they switch.
Before writing this out, I never realized how much they do.
I support children learning to take care of themselves, their belongings and their homes so they are prepared by about 18 when they may leave home.
Staying with them while they do the chore helps.
Learning to do the laundry for themselves is really helpful. If machines are too high for them to reach stool or just have them give you the precise directions orally is good.
Learning basics of cooking is important, have them explain why clean is important. You can ask them to supervise and participate with you in cleaning rooms other than their own. Ask what they think needs to be done to have a room look clean and tidy. Make a game out of learning how long a task really takes.
Sweeping is well learned outdoors on sidewalks (also transferable skill to mopping). Part of sweeping is learning bodily awareness of a person’s own parts and locations relevant to other people and objects and then the extension of their body (the broom) an important developmental goal.
Teaching these skills is hard but but better than having the child not learn and being incompetent as an adult.
One of my triumphs as a mom was a college age child expressing horror that a roommate used the dish sponge to clean the floor the mouse was traversing in a house where everyone wore street shoes inside on the kitchen floor……. My kid taught the others……
Make it a game to learn how to be grown up, get the children involved in selecting some of their chores. Lots of asking ‘why does this need to be done.’
IF you have the closet space hangers for lots of clothing instead of drawers works well. But SF closets in older homes may not have that space.
To me, being a family member means everyone helps with the work and doing this is not about allowances or other rewards. We are part of a family and we all participate as such. Also a good time to talk about why Dad is working so many hours and why mom goes to teach rather than stay home; lots of kids think parental jobs are purely voluntary; not about health insurance and buying food and having a safe place to live etc.
Thank you to you N for this post and to all your responders who were so wonderfully detailed and demonstrated age ranges for learning skills. We sometimes forget just how competent kids can be!
Daughter has to pick up her toys and recently she started cleaning the bathroom. We pay her in screen time. I may have her start doing her own laundry, we’ll see. I’m trying to get her to stop asking us to get her water and snacks, but she spilled recently so is in the refusal phase. Sigh.
I also didn’t do many chores growing up and can’t see dirt or clutter until it gets bad. I see this as a mixed blessing actually. I can’t imaging how little time I would have if I couldn’t concentrate if my house was messy. It just doesn’t bother me that much.
Wow! I wish I had that skill to just not see it- I see it! But, I also have limited time (and ability with only one decent hand) and my husband doesn’t see and doesn’t care. And worse, gets annoyed when I start cleaning because he knows I don’t enjoy it AND he can’t understand why the clutter starts bothering me. Like, straight up can’t fathom why it stresses me out. Plus, 15 years ago he’s convinced I threw out a cd-rom (I think he misplaced it) and so now anytime he can’t find something I get blamed for cleaning.
That sounds like the way it is with my husband, only with the roles reversed. I honestly can’t understand why it stresses him out either. I haven’t been able to figure out his need for perfect order is genetic, cultural, or social conditioning. BUT he enjoys cleaning and finds it relaxing, so maybe it’s a little different than your situation.
I for one am actually impressed with how much you’ve done with chore charts and so on. I don’t remember doing many chores as a young child but my family was dysfunctional…
We have gradually started having our kids (7&9) do some chores. Our pediatrician has been asking for a couple years and always tells us that chores are very important. But we haven’t gotten to the point where we have a structured schedule or a chart or anything. And lately, unfortunately, we’ve been relying way too much on rewards/punishment for discipline even though I know it’s bad. For example, if my kids don’t do something they are supposed to or don’t listen to me, I’ll threaten to take something away. Or they can lose TV privileges if they hit each other or use bad words. And we’ve fallen into the bad habit of letting them earn privileges back by doing certain chores like folding our laundry. They do a pretty good job with hand towels and table napkins but not so great with our clothes but it’s better than nothing. I just re-fold our stuff later. And just recently we started making them put their own clothes away. (I wash their clothes separately.)
They’ve been required to “do” their own laundry for a while which in our house means they have to turn it all right side out so I can spray the stains (they each have their own hamper). They don’t operate the washer and dryer. Even my husband doesn’t do that🙄. Also, they are required to tidy up our living room which was where they mostly play – – they have to put all their toys away. They are expected to bring their plates and cups to the sink when they’re done with a meal. They also feed the cat, put napkins and forks out at dinner, and fill water cups for dinner. But those are not regularly assigned – – I’ll ask one of them to do those every day. My youngest is generally more amenable to helping out. She also likes to peel carrots. Sometimes I ask them to sweep.
We still don’t give an allowance yet. I still haven’t decided whether it’s better to make them do chores to earn it or not. So I’m just sitting here waffling. I don’t want them to do chores just because they think they get something for it. Which of course we’re already kind of doing. So yeah, we need a big overhaul over here on chores and discipline. But I feel like I’m barely treading water, losing sleep every night over how school is going to look this fall, protecting my family, etc.