Tomorrow my kids will start their new school years at their new schools.
They are both nervous. So, so nervous. But they are excited too. After over a year of distance learning, they have high hopes that this year will be different, better, or at the very least more normal. They are not hoping for too much – these are very reasonable expectations! – and yet I worry their hopes will be dashed.
Neither of them will wear a surgical mask on their face – too itchy! – but they are both willing to wear a cloth mask with a surgical mask over it. So that is what we’re going to do. As my friend says, the most effective mask is the one they will actually wear. The new masks I got my daughter have not come yet. When they do, if they work well, I will buy some for my son. I think once they are well masked, I will feel better.
I was reading an older blog post today and one of the comments was pointing out how joyful the blog space was. It got me wondering again about what makes some people more joyful. At this point in my life I am pretty darn content. If this pandemic weren’t raging these may have been some of the best years of my life. My kids in pretty decent places – they don’t require so much supervision and can actually be fun! My marriage is doing well. I don’t hate my job. I love having the extra space in my house. I have good friends that I see regularly. Besides the pandemic, things are really good. And yet I wouldn’t consider myself joyful. Content maybe. Satisfied definitely. But not joyful. And there is always that undercurrent of stress and anxiety. It’s just who I am. And it prevents joy from really taking hold.
This is not a woe-is-me, why can’t I be joyful lament. It’s just something I think about from time to time, especially when I read the blogs of women whose outlooks seem to be so different from my own. Sometimes I can attribute their poise and positive attitude to more resources, but not always. And even when they are in a different tax bracket, I can tell I would not have that attitude even if our incomes were comparable. It just makes me wonder what happens in people’s brains that determine their general disposition, and their outlook on life. I also wonder, if I could pick a different attitude or disposition, would I really want to change mine?
Anyway, a weird tangent to go off on, but it’s what’s in my head at the moment. Maybe I’m trying to choose joy today, on the eve of my kids’ first day of school, during the unexpected and overwhelming resurgence of Covid-19. Maybe I’m trying to have the attitude of the women who have not mentioned the pandemic once on their blogs in the past 17 months, even as it raged all around them. Maybe I want to know how to compartmentalize like them, to hold the unknown and the can’t-be-controlled at arm’s length, where it does less damage. Maybe I just want to know how to seem so unfazed.
Or maybe it’s just Sunday morning, and I haven’t had my coffee yet.
“Content maybe. Satisfied definitely. But not joyful. And there is always that undercurrent of stress and anxiety. It’s just who I am. And it prevents joy from really taking hold.” <– This is me, exactly. And a constant question I ask myself is, "do I need to go back on (anti-anxiety) medication?" Because I really don't want to take more meds but absolutely would if I needed to. I'm coping but feel like I constantly push the line of "maybe this is outside the bounds of normal/ok and it's time."
I honestly think there are very few adults who I’d call joyful. They’re those people that everyone always says, “so-and-so is the nicest person on the planet” — and means it. They’re just happy and kind and easy to be around … and joyful. But there are very few ppl in the world you actually fit into that “joyful” description in my opinion! Much more common is “content” and “kind” and even “happy” — but joyful is another level altogether!
These words: “always that undercurrent of stress and anxiety. It’s just who I am.” That really hit home. And I too, also can relate to the wondering if certain bloggers who have these always sunny dispositions and never mention current events or Covid are that way because they are in a higher tax bracket than me or who do not have to work all day and come home and deal with family responsibilities. All I can say is, that I love knowing there is someone else out there who feels like I am…who has the same worries and anxiety. I don’t care if you blog is not sunny and joyful right now. It is honest and so relatable and that brings me comfort