Today I had a bit of a breakdown. I’m not even really sure why. I mean yeah, being a teacher sucks right now, but I recognize I have it better than most. And yes, being a parent kind of sucks right now, but again I have it better than most. We haven’t had Covid, despite so many people we know getting it. Our live haven’t been upended, despite some close calls. So far, we’ve weathered the omicron wave relatively unscathed.
So why was I crying in the car today?
I honestly don’t know. But I know enough to respect the fact that I’m not doing great and need to give myself some space. My goal is to get to bed early tonight, but so far I’m not on track for that. We shall see.
I’ve added three things I’m grateful for at the bottom of my time tracking. I’ve wanted to maintain a gratitude journal for a long time, and while just typing some stuff out at the bottom of a spreadsheet is an inelegant solution, it’s better than nothing. If I keep time tracking through the month I might even make it a habit.
Today I was thankful that I could run while still “attending” my professional development meeting. Yes, I was a little resentful to spend my running time learning why the term “micro-agression” is being replaced by “subtle acts of exclusion,” but mostly I was happy that I could run early in the day, when I had the energy and “time” to do it. If it weren’t for zoom meetings continuing to replace in person meetings that wouldn’t have been possible.
Our dojo sent out a notice that it will be moving all classes back online for a couple weeks to wait out the omicron surge. It’s not surprising, but still disappointing. I’m tired of couching my disappointment in, “it’s probably for the best.” We were supposed to be spending this weekend at comedy shows, and instead we’ll spend them at home. Again, disappointing, but probably for the best. Again, it sucks and I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of it. And I’m just plain tired. My back really hurts. I didn’t feel it while I was running, but now I do. Even the blissful bath I took when I got home was not enough to keep the pain away.
I really hope the chiropractor can provide me with some relief tomorrow.
I get it. I’m tired too. And, I work from home (and have for 18 years so nothing pandemic related). But, I used to have a good balance of then LEAVING home to socialize. Now, I’m just stuck here in an endless loop of messy house and work. I’m also bummed- I was invited to a girls weekend next weekend for a friend’s birthday. In Tahoe…and due to Omicron, and a host of health issues my husband is currently being tested for, I had to decline, and I’m so sad about it. I never had friends where I did sleepovers, I’ve never done a weekend- or even a night away and my soul is crying out for it. Meanwhile, my brain can’t stop stressing over all the medical tests that are going on. Tired. So tired.
It is all so very hard and we are all so tired and worn and discouraged. It actually is healthy to cry about everything.
And then, just you did, we dry our eyes and pick ourselves up and carry on.
It does seem that even when things appear to be beginning to improve the reality hits that the improvement was either not enough or that another roadblock towards real permanent improvement rears it’s ugly head.
Parts of us seem broken and it is hard to believe we will be repaired. But that way leads to despair which is a really really bad idea.
despair: hopelessness about entire life and future. Extreme hopelessness of all life combines with extreme sadness creates despair. What we need to do is model and teach HOPE to our children and each other. That requires setting realistic goals, figuring a flexible pathway forward and believing in ourselves;we teach this through example and experience.
So congratulations on hanging in and holding on and keeping going. That you do this really helps.