I found this article really interesting. It affirms the way I feel about parenting, describing more concisely the concerns I have with raising children these days than I ever could (with data to back it up).
I consider myself a free range parent. Well, maybe a wanna-be. I don’t think I can be the free-range parent that I want to be because my husband’s opinion is obviously important, but also because I have been spooked by the stories of people calling CPS on the parents of children who walk to the park alone. I know it’s a tired trope to look fondly on the freedom of one’s youth and mark all the ways children have lost that freedom today, but truly, I was allowed to do things alone in Hong Kong when I was in 4th, 5th and 6th grade that would make parents today blanch. I would like to give my children that kind of freedom, but I doubt I will be allowed, either by my immediate community, or society at large.
I’ve already started talking to my husband about how I expect our daughter will be able to get to school by herself in 6th grade, even if that means walking several blocks to a bus or MUNI train stop. Or even taking BART. I could manage that kind of daily responsibility on public transportation at that age (actually younger), why can’t she? (And yes, I understand she has to be taught how to ride public transportation – she does it frequently with us and we are always ensuring she takes the necessary steps herself, with our guidance.) What is the point of living in a city if you don’t let your kids get around by themselves? My husband has a moral aversion to the suburbs for a number of reasons, but one of the most significant is their lack of public transportation. And yet he doesn’t trust his kids, or the system (probably a bit of both) to take advantage of it.
The economic insecurity aspect of the piece also really hit home. There are parts of me that are still reeling at the reality that I will never be as well off as my parents. I grew up with stories of how they came from very little to become comfortably upper-middle class, despite a few poor professional and financial choices on my father’s part. If they could manage that kind of upward mobility, I figured my own future would be just as bright, if not brighter. And yet I will never have the financial stability they enjoyed. The systems they took for granted don’t exist anymore. Neither do the opportunities.
I do worry about our kids’ futures. Mostly I worry I’m not doing enough to prepare them for the disappointment they will certainly face. I assume they will have less than we do. One of the main reasons I’ve given up the dream of converting our downstairs unit into a master bedroom is I recognize my kids will probably need to live in that space rent-free, or at least at a very reduced cost. By the time I can be sure they no longer need that space we won’t want the extra square footage anyway.
I also worry they aren’t smart enough to guarantee their success, even though they are both very bright. I used to read a blog where the gifted status of the children was frequently touted. It caused me an extreme amount of anxiety and I couldn’t pin-point exactly why, until I connected the idea that gifted = successful, or at least financially secure. Of course I know that isn’t necessarily the case, that all sorts of factors contribute to a person’s success, but it’s easy to fall into the black and white ideas that pervade our cultural narrative.
I worry I don’t give them enough opportunities. Actually, I worry they aren’t hungry enough for those opportunities. My daughter would be content to participate in no extra curricular activities at all, especially if her friends weren’t doing anything. The only real reason she wants to do something is be with her friends, which isn’t a bad reason, but it worries me that it’s her only reason. I have to remind myself that she is only 8-years-old and has a life time to figure out what she is interested in and if she wants to pursue those interests. Heck, I even worry about my 5-year-old son, especially when I overhear conversations on the sidelines of soccer about how other kids already love the sport and can’t stop practicing it. (We stopped going to soccer over a year ago because my kid didn’t want to keep going and I still worry about it sometimes!)
I am a big proponent of not playing a lot with my kids. My husband and I disagree about this quite a bit. I think they should play by themselves, or with each other. And if they are bored, they should figure it out. My husband thinks we should be more involved and hands on when we are home. I recognize that he is with them a lot less, and it is important for them to have quality time with their dad, but I don’t think every minute of a weekend day should be spent engaging my kids on their level. I plan some activities and have their friends over, but I should also get to do my own shit. And I refuse to give up the time my kids spend in front of the TV. That is what TV is for, to get shit done. Yes I will watch good movies with my kids and talk to them about the moral or lesson of the story, but I’m not going to watch Teen Titans Go! season 3 with them for the umpteenth time (and I actually really like Teen Titans Go!)
I was just talking with my father-in-law about how intense parenting was. He brought up something about how much more intense it would be if I were a stay-at-home mother like his mom was. I was struggling to articulate all the ways it was different back then (or maybe he was struggling to here me). I sent him this paragraph before I even sent him the link to the article.
Over just a couple of generations, parents have greatly increased the amount of time, attention and money they put into raising children. Mothers who juggle jobs outside the home spend just as much time tending their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/25/upshot/the-relentlessness-of-modern-parenting.htm
Maybe if he hears someone else saying it, he will actually believe it’s true. Parenting really is a different ball game than it was when our parents were raising kids, and a totally different sport than when their parents were raising them.
I have two children in their early 20’s so I am probably between your generation and your parents generation.Firstly I don’t believe that all children need or want a huge amount of after school activities, some want to participate more than others and that’s fine. Free range parenting as much as possible is good – my son learnt to light a fire (safely) outside at 8 , he loved it (still does) and has had many happy hours burning stuff . Did not burn himself or anyone else nor any property so all good.They were both given a lot of age appropriate freedom which worked well for them. Every child is different, my oldest has a very responsible job in our country’s parliament – has a very good degree from a very good university. My youngest is a drummer in a successful band! They found their own way, people always do. Parent’s sweat far too much about trying to control what happens to their children in the future, it’s their life let them lead it, giving help where necessary and when asked. The most important thing is they still want to be with you and talk with you when they are adults……..I think we as parents of my generation were probably too involved in their lives when they were children and I think we probably still are now they are adults, the next generation of parents coming behind are so involved in their children’s lives and want so much control over them it scares me! I agree with your sentiments – they don’t need to be played with or amused all the time, let them figure out what they like to do by themselves and yes, it’s the same in my country, you either have them living in your extension or you buy them a flat to live in in the hope they will be able to get a mortgage and buy it from you someday!
I read this article a couple of weeks ago, sharing it with my BIL/SIL while helping prep Christmas dinner. It was both validating as it verified a lot of the things Grey and I as well as many others we know have been feeling. It’s also fairly depressing as the trend of being more involved is rewarding those who are hyper-involved with their kids. What’s not being talked about is how we now have a generation entering the workforce who, despite having impressive resumes, has zero ability to be able to function. It’s a huge problem on so many levels as parental burnout is high, depression and anxiety in children through young adults is historically high and we have a workforce that isn’t prepared. In short, I don’t think the current trend is sustainable and we are starting to see some push back, though I also believe there would be a shift in parenting philosophy for many years.
One of the hardest realities the article brought forward that Grey and I have been fearful of is seeing that the trend for upward movement has vanished. After years of schooling and working in elite and highly competitive systems, we struggle with the idea that Maddy and Teddy will be automatically locked out. It’s a major reason we both continue to job hunt, network, and work towards new opportunities as we are very aware that our connections and reputations will be impacting Maddy’s and Teddy’s access to education and their own opportunities. It’s an unspoken (or quietly spoken) reality we’ve come to realize we have to participate in.
That said, I also agree with you about fostering independence. With my kids recently dropping naps, I’ve instituted quiet time for a 1 1/2 – 2 hours in the afternoons with the idea that Maddy and Teddy need to entertain themselves. It’s been an adjustment, given they are learning how to even do that without direction from me, but I cannot be on all the time and, frankly, they need to develop their imaginations. One of the best things about being unsupervised as a kid is that my imagination blossomed, allowing me to dream in ways that have benefited me in my adult life. I want my kids to have that same spark, so it’s on me to provide that freedom.
On a side note, I was just on the MUNI/SF bus system yesterday and I really like it! When I was younger and living in Seattle, I often saw kids using the public transit system to get to school as well as for everything else. Yes, there were incidents of fighting, but it was low and I learned a lot about navigating the system as those kids were extremely skilled. I wonder if getting around your husband’s worries involves having other families involved with training their kids to use that system? Would he feel better also if he knew the route (by which I mean road the bus and/or train to see what it was like) and heard from other parents? My BIL/SIL have put their older kids into a 4H program that is actively pushing for the kids to be independent about transportation (though as a group) and encouraging them to explore the bus system/CalTrain. It’s been interesting as the parents are far more cautious and worried about this than the kids.
The only reason I pause about BART is that I’ve worried about my safety on BART (yesterday I had to leave the train because someone was trying to light himself and his surrounding on fire). Granted, the part of BART that scares me right now is mainly between Embarcadero to Hayward, but I’ve also had some interesting encounters (a guy with a chain saw, another guy flirting aggressively with women and a panhandler screaming at an old woman because he wanted more money than she was offering) around the Mission Street stations. I don’t know what your daughter’s route would be and Grey swears I attract crazy, but I know I’m not comfortable having my kids on BART at the moment, though the busses and other train systems have been something they really enjoy.
I want to come back later today to re-read and comment thoughtfully on this post. First thought: You are raising really good questions. I do know boy-girl twins who in 4th grade, together, walk from SF house to bus, take bus (no transfers) to school location and walk 3 blocks to the school. And return in reverse. At both ends adults are waiting and watching for them, took lots of practicing with parent shadowing. live on border of Castro and Mission district, school is not downtown or in ‘rough neighborhood. Right, twins, together, boy & girl, no transfers. Took me some thinking as it sounded highly risky at first but it is reality living in SF, details make the differences.
But right now wanted to share this link https://afineparent.com/positive-parenting-conference-2018-special-replay?fbclid=IwAR3rfO4aIemQ5kW9OQsjM7m2CNuhy5rezxXgAuMCCaqVbrSdnKNomUKRk8I
It is a program that will be free and on-line. May or may not apply to you and/or your readers but worth looking at.
Fascinating. Have you read Small Animals? I think you might find it very interesting.
DO NOT even get me started on the AAP recommending that parents watch tv with children at all times. Just no. That’s like saying in order to be a good parent, you must have a full time housekeeper to do everything else. I DO have a ton of help, and I still need that tv time sometimes (you know, so I can put my other kid to bed or *gasp* eat dinner for 15 min in peace). What terrible things will happen if I let my kids watch PBS kids shows unsupervised!?!?
I was briefly a stay at home mom at the end of when that was more normative for middle income families, before 2 income families were normative. Women spent more time with other mothers whose children were the same age than they do now. Women spent more time with women’s groups during day time hours. There were more children home in the neighborhoods to play with than just your siblings … and play happened more outdoors when weather allowed. There were LOTS of differences that created a different world…and LOTS of women self medicated for depression and overwhelm and men ignored that. Today a mother at home in most middle income families is far more isolated and rare. Today’s expectation that the parenting job will fall 99% on one person who also holds a full-time job outside the home due to gender has been shown to be a false concept. Everyone needs changes in expectations, Generational comparisons like your FIL made are incomplete and generally inaccurate. Different times, different supports, different expectations etc.
PS: Children learn to do the tasks of keeping homes by participating. AND, the process of changing their expectation is just plain awful and nasty and really really hard on parents. Remember: At 8-10 200 years ago children could run households after mom died in childbirth. They are capable if taught and expected to be. (I do not advocate that extreme but it is true.)
Last set of comments and thank yous for the article.
Yes, the world is different that your children’s generation will face. You feel these concerns for very real reasons. In 1940 when 100 middle class babies were born really only about 50% were going to need a job because women were not going to be competing for the jobs. Then an additional about 1/3 were not white (+ or – depending on community) so the white ones odds improved again, and if your parents had education beyond high school your odds improved yet again without changing the effort the winning babies had to exert. Today your children are facing a super more competitive labor market because girls are not excluded, minorities have improved their odds of getting educations and your generation had higher percentages getting education beyond high school so …… And comparing baby boomers against their parents affluence in their elder years is also demonstrating the same change in generational affluence declining. Read the metrics on how many people 55 to 68 are able to retire in comfort today. Social Security and Medicare are targeted to be cut to pay for tax breaks for Huge Corporations and Very Rich people. You have reason to be worried about your children’s future lives AND YOURS AS WELL. That is, of course, considering the impact if the GOP’s faith that ‘Climate Change is Not Real’ is correct…..if they are wrong…. it is bleaker.
I’d just like to throw out there that when I was your kids age I had NO interest in extracurriculiar activities. Absolutely none. I remember taking swim lessons in the summer and being asked to join the swim team. I wouldn’t do it because of the time commitment during the school year cutting into time I could play! LOL. But, by the time I hit high school I’d outgrown it to the point: I was active in Key club, Interact Block Y (The letterman’s club) German Club, Yearbook (including being section editor) Newspaper, Varsity Golf (where I also practiced on my own 365 days a year rain/sun or occasional snow) Video Yearbook Editor, Student Council, and things like Blood Drive Chair, Homecoming Parade Chair…the list goes on and on and on…seriously, my senior year I was home long enough to sleep and shower and that’s pretty much it! I was miss involved. My point is…they may outgrow it. I know I did, but at that age, I just wanted to be home playing Barbies, and often by myself because my parents had a rule about having friends over maybe 1-2 times a week and I had no siblings. I don’t have anything to add on the rest- but hang in there I don’t think that is the end of the world.
I am sorry I was so depressing and discouraging about things. Chris is really right, people change as they grow up and become more themselves and find their interests and strengths.
I know I haven’t commented for ages, and for that I’m sorry, because I’m always interested in your words. But 2018 was not a great year!
I found this fascinating. Yes, my mother was hands on in that after school she ferried us to sport and dance and music lessons, and she taught us the piano for some years too. But equally, we were left to do our own homework (as long as we did it), and any other time we were free to choose. I was laughing with my sisters recently about how we didn’t dare to ever say we were bored, because unpleasant tasks would be assigned immediately! So I agree with you that a balance is necessary. The balance taught us to take initiative, to play together, to use our imaginations, to read quietly, to entertain ourselves and to take quiet time when we needed it.
I also was surprised that you said your five-year-old had given up football/soccer. In that I thought five was quite young to start playing a sport. Give him another go when he’s eight or nine if he’s interested!
When looking at my nieces and nephews, and the children of friends, it reinforces my own experience that intellect has to be balanced with independence, initiative, an ability to navigate the world, relate to others. It sounds to me as if that is what you want to give to your children, and even though common practice might not see it these days, I believe that is the greatest gift you could give them.
I’m with you. We sort of free range parent at least more so than other parents. Like, I stuck my kid in cooking class for an after-school activity so at age 7, he can make a grilled cheese sandwich without cutting off a finger or burning the house down. Success! I think part of my desire to teach them how to do things for themselves vs. doing it all for them is that I had everything done for me as a kid and didn’t know how to take care of myself when I went to college. That won’t be my kids.