10-7-2

This past week has been rough. I ended up dodging pink eye (hurrah!), but I did come down with the death cold and it’s had me feeling like shit on a shoe all week. I finally started feeling a little better yesterday, but not much.

The transition back to real life has been hard on both my kids, especially my daughter. It feels like every interaction with her is negative and the reality is I don’t like being around her. At all. I’ve been thinking things about parenthood that I don’t think most people think, things I haven’t felt comfortable sharing, even here. It’s a lonely place to be.

But there have been rays of light in the darkness these past five days. Monday was our anniversary: 10 years together, 7 since our domestic partnership (which would have been when we got married had Prop 8 not passed in California a couple of months before), and two years since we officially tied the knot (a few months after Prop 8 was officially struck down). We started dating in early January, which is why we had our domestic partnership ceremony then and why we finally got married that same week, so all our anniversaries could be celebrated together.

I can’t believe we’ve been together for a decade. It’s hard to remember the people we were when we met, and what we saw in each other when we first got together. Luckily, after reconnecting during our weekend without the kids, things between us are good, and my heart was ready to hold this symbolic day close, and recognize it for the precious achievement it is.

My marriage is not what I expected it to be, but then again, neither is anything else in my life. I suppose that is what growing up is all about, replacing the expectation with the reality. Reconciling that divergence, in so many areas of my life, has been a long, arduous process for me, but I think I’m finally getting there. I do appreciate my husband, and my marriage, for what it is, the partnership of two people who love each other, and who are trying their best to honor each other, in spite of all their human flaws.

A little over ten years ago I gave my husband my number in the hopes that he would call (we were both very drunk, stumbling our separate ways after the last tail gate of that season). Seven years ago we promised each other love and respect in front of our families, having already started trying to build our family. Two years ago we officially bonded ourselves together in the eyes of the law, having just completed the family we worked so hard for. It’s been a long, bumpy road to this life we wanted, and it’s not at all what we expected it to be, but I’m very thankful that we have each other.

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This picture was taken the summer after we started dating. We were so young, and had no idea what was in store for us. I see this picture sometimes and wonder what I would say to the me who stood there, in front of some majestic Mayan ruins in Oaxaca, Mexico, holding the new love of her life. I think I would say, It will be okay. And I bet the me from ten years ago would say that same thing to me now.

7 Comments

  1. so so glad that you guys were able to reconnect and start at a good place this year. I hope it continues. that picture is adorable!
    we also had a rough week—-B has realized that vacation is way more fun than the school he previously loved. we’ve had REALLY rough mornings that just drain me—which leads to a lot of unproductive mornings at work (i.e. right now). and then he is exhausted in the evenings and those are also draining/demoralizing (leading to me drinking wine & staying up too late, making mornings worse…circle of doom)

  2. Happy Anniversary! Marriage is tough. It’s hard and frustrating and well, sometimes I question if I married the right person (after arguments) but, marriage/a union, in my opinion, is worth it. I like your advice by they way, “it’ll be ok” – perfect. Glad that you guys were able to get away and be the two of you.
    My kindergartner has started crying again at school, something we thought she it was over after a few weeks in the beginning of school. It’s been a hard transition this week. I’m hoping as the month goes on, it gets easier for all of us.

  3. Happy anniversaries!

    One of my neighbors told me the good news about kids- they all go through phases and eventually they outgrow those phases. I know that you have some extra stuff to deal with your daughter but hopefully she gets back into the swing of things soon.

  4. I love this – “the partnership of two people who love each other, and who are trying their best to honor each other, in spite of all their human flaws” My husband isn’t perfect, and my marriage never will be. So much of my life has been harder than I ever expected. But so much of it has made me happier than I’d ever expected, too.

    I’m glad you are feeling able to appreciate this day and your time together. Happy anniversaries!

  5. Awe…. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy at the end!

    No marriage, no life goes as planned. Some go better, some go worse, but NONE go as planned. 😁

    Happy 10-7-2!

  6. Happy anniversaries! You are not alone in the not-so-pleasant thoughts about parenting and children. We send ours outside a lot in all weather and we have adult picture books (You Have to F*ing Eat and Go the F* to Sleep) for after bedtime/while hiding from non-sleeping children and we get through one tantrum at a time. Abiding with you.

  7. You’re not the only one who doesn’t want to be around their kids sometimes. Even though they are beautiful and precious and are IVF miracles after years of trying and losing hope. So yeah I hear you! My tolerance for whining is very low.

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