The bright spot in my summer just got snuffed out. I hadn’t realized how much I had hanging on it until it was gone. I’m disappointed. And really sad.
I’m sad for me. I’m sad for my kids. We are all craving a connection we just aren’t getting. And we won’t be getting it for a long, long time. I had some concentrated connection to look forward to, and it was lighting the way for me. Now everything feels dark.
I’m lonely. I spend all day with my kids (and being with them can be stressful because intense emotional outbursts are still very much the norm and I sometimes feel held hostage to the whims of a kid who has no control over emotional responses), and then all night alone while my husband works. I rarely interact with other adults for more than moments at a time.
My husband is stressed out and has no mental or emotional capacity to support me. I am stressed out and have no mental or emotional capacity to support him. We’re both unhappy and neither has the energy to meet the other where they are at. The bright spot was suppose to diffuse some of this and help us get back to each other. Now we need to muddle through without the break from each other and our daily routine.
The school year has only been over for two weeks. I realize I’m still decompressing from one of the most stressful three months of my life. I’m also ramping up for what is sure to be one of the most stressful academic years of my life. (Speaking to my principal for over an hour today supports this assumption.)
And right now I’m stuck in the middle, in this strange lull that is defined by monotony and stress and loneliness and sadness. This time is not restorative at all. I will be starting in the fall with none of the mental and emotional reserves that usually are at my disposal, when my need for those reserves is greater than ever.
One day at a time. I keep telling myself that. Just get to the evening, go to sleep, wake up again and do it all over. That is where I’m at. It will have to be enough.
When I think of the collective stress and grief that this country is experiencing right now – from the mass unemployment, the loss of livelihoods, the grief of those who have lost loved ones, the fear of state sanctioned actors that are supposed to protect us, (and I recognize my own struggle is minuscule compared to that which most Americans are dealing with), and I think of how egregiously our administration has bungled the response to this crisis, and the subsequent crises, I feel an anger and resentment I’ve never experienced before. The rest of the world looks at us with pity and disbelief as more people die here than any other country (we make up 4% of the world’s population but account for 25% coronavirus deaths). It’s shameful what is happening in this country. I have been ashamed of being American many times in my adult life but right now I’m overwhelmed with disdain. I don’t understand how we could have ended up here. I don’t see how we can make it out of this intact.
One day at a time. It’s the only thing to cling on to.
Yes, to all of this. We just canceled our annual FL beach trip that was scheduled for the end of July (that I look forward to ALL year) due to safety concerns and now there is nothing fun to look forward to – just more “get through each day.” I am somehow both bored/lonely and overwhelmed/wanting time alone.
As for our country, it’s all so, so sad. I truly fear how bad things are going to get…
I AM SO SORRY!!!!!!!
Wish it were possible to support you now and in the coming months in real ways not just printed words. You bring so much support to my world and I feel there is no way to pass that support back to you. I do know from my past how devastatingly alone things can be. From my past I know that keeping on going is the only good way out for you all, and it is so hard to do. I always hated hearing that ‘in time things would change again and things would be better’ because, like you, I understood that was true….and it didn’t help the immediate.
You are much cared about.