It’s day four of operation clean up this piece of shit house. I wouldn’t say it’s going great. Even “going well” feels like a strong way to say it. But, it’s going? Kinda? Sorta?
The reality is, suck at this. I am just so, so bad at… well stuff. I want to say it’s just a faulty “cleaning stuff up” mechanism, but it’s more than that. My whole relationship with stuff is dysfunctional.
I’m not ashamed about it anymore. Or even angry. I’m just disappointed. I wish this cycle of accumulating unnecessary stuff, becoming overwhelmed by unnecessary stuff, and then battling against unnecessary stuff did not consume so much of my life. I’ve tried so many strategies to change my relationship with stuff, but none of them seem to work.
I was struck by it while I packed my classroom. All around me, everywhere I looked, were the consequences of my relationship with stuff. Anytime a thing might have made my teaching life easier, I purchased it. Every. Time. There was maybe never a time when I found something that I thought might help me and instead of buying it I thought, but what if I didn’t?
I’ve been trying to ask myself that. When I have somethings sitting in my cart. I ask myself… but what if I didn’t? I swear a lot of the time it’s like tumbleweeds. I can image all kinds of positive (always positive!) future probabilities when I get the thing (it will do this for me! I will feel this!) I even think about how I could eventually just pass it along if it no longer served me. But when I think, but what if I didn’t there just isn’t anything there. Maybe I need to embrace the nothingness, because nothingness doesn’t require anything! It doesn’t require paying, or waiting, or picking up, or eventually giving away. It requires absolutely nothing from me. I need more that requires absolutely nothing from me.
I want to make, But what if I didn’t? My new mantra. I want to ask that every time I’m making a commitment – to a thing, to a person, to a feeling. But what if I didn’t buy that thing? But what if I didn’t go to that event? But what if I didn’t make that commitment?
When I came home from the KOA I told myself I’d take a week off of getting stuff. But then Old Navy was having a sale so I went on for grey tshirts (my son’s new uniform requires a grey top), and then I threw a couple bras in my cart EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING I NEED LESS THAN BRAS RIGHT NOW. And I’m suddenly obsessed with the idea that I need a new throw for the cat’s chair because I hate the orange one I use when the regular one is in the wash (I’m trying to wash it weekly because she has allergies and sheds like crazy). I absolutely do not need a new throw for the cat’s fucking chair. I DO NOT. But I know I’m going to google it. I just know it.
I’m telling myself I’m going to return the bras. They aren’t even the right size (they would fit but not be all that comfortable). I’m telling myself not to google throws for the chair. But then I think, maybe if I google it I will realize there aren’t any cute ones and the idea will disappear. Of course there will be a cute one. There is always a cute one.
But what if I didn’t? What if I didn’t get a new throw? I know exactly what because we’ve lived that way for ALWAYS and it was FINE.
Right now all my surfaces are clear and there is a giant Costco bag full of the shit that was on all my surfaces. Today I sit down and try to figure out what to do with all that shit. I hope I can remember, as I am forced to manage each one of the annoying ass things in that bag that I think to myself, but what if I hadn’t? What would I be doing with this day if I hadn’t brought this particular thing into my house?
Maybe that will help me as I continue to ask, but what if I didn’t?
Because the answer is always, it would be fine. It would be better, even. Why is that so hard for me to remember?
How do you feel about your relationship with stuff?
Probably/possibly you are asking yourself the wrong question. Not: “what if I don’t buy it” but instead something like “Buy this or put the money towards international travel with my family?” or ‘Why a bra that does not fit really well” versus “Was it on my ‘to be acquired this season’ list”. Or “Why would I buy clothes that do not fit well, do I deserve comfort and good fit”. “Do I have a different cover solution for cat chair/rather than a premade cover” OR “could I use a fabric remnant/outgrown child’s blanket/old towel for that purpose?”
GOOD WISHES TO YOU. It is tough to change a habit and mind set.
Yes! Those are great questions. Those are the questions I should be asking after, but what if I didn’t? And I shall hope to aspire to asking those questions moving forward.
I have way too much stuff. I can get rid of things if I can sell them but throwing/giving away anything feels like throwing away money. If I had the time I would list TONS of things for sale and sell them but time is so limited (party because I’m always picking up our stuff). I KNOW I would be happier with less but… I don’t know. It’s an issue, truly.
One way to change your thinking is to accept that you already spent the money, you got your use from object, and by holding( but not using) you are keeping it from a new home where it IS needed. BUT, do NOT feel any pressure from me to change how YOU view things you own. I have zip judgement on this and I too own things I am currently not using.