Closed Doors

I have made some mistakes in my blogging days. Big mistakes. Massive mistakes. Irreparable mistakes.

There were women, women that I considered close, women that I considered friends, women that won’t have anything to do with me anymore.

Because I hurt them. Badly.

I get it. I fucked up. They had, and have, every right to distance themselves from me. I don’t harbor any ill will or resentment. If anything I still feel lingering guilt for the feelings I hurt, for the damage I caused. I want to say I’m sorry. In most cases I have, but it clearly hasn’t helped.

I burned bridges and now I have to recognize there are chasms I can’t cross. Words are powerful, and there are very real consequences when you wield them carelessly. I understand and accept that.

But sometimes these women write amazing things. Sometimes momentous things happen to them. And I want to say something. I want to write something down, I want to reach out, but I don’t because I know they wouldn’t want me to. They don’t want to know that I read their words, or hear their news. They don’t want to know anything about me.

So I don’t say anything. I don’t post a comment or send an email, even though many times I write them.

Instead I just sit, on my side of the computer, and I keep my sadness to myself. I hold it close,  willing myself to learn from my mistakes, so the next time I won’t let my suffering or my insecurity or my confusion or my pettiness drive me to say something I shouldn’t say. Something that hurts. Something that closes doors, and locks them, forever.

Have you ever destroyed something meaningful with your words? How do you manage that destruction, moving forward?

11 Comments

  1. This is so sad! I think you are right not to reach out, but at the same time it’s hard to imagine someone who used to be your friend not ever coming around & wanting to talk again. Being hurt & needing a break, sure. But a permanent break is harder to understand. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

    1. Don’t be sorry for me. Truly. I understand why they pulled away and why they have no interest in coming back. These were not isolated incidents that got between us, but patterns of destructive behavior on my part. I take full responsibility. And who knows, maybe they never considered me a friend in the way I did. That happens to me a lot, which I think identifies a need for me to reevaluate how I define a friend. I’m trying to do that now, and I think I have a better idea now how to determine what to expect from people.

  2. Yep… been there, done that… so close to doing that yet again right now (with an IRL friend/coworker who daughter is my daughter’s best friend). This post makes me re-think that a bit, but I am *this close* to just losing it with her… I dunno. It’s hard to reign in our frustrations sometimes, isn’t it? I keep trying to think about long term consequences about me telling her off for being such a defensive rude bitch to everyone at work lately, but man…is it worth it? Probably not. Would it make me feel better? Probably only for a little bit.

    Enough of me, back to you…

    In most cases I think it’s probably best to not reach out, but it’s so hard to know b/c there’s probably the random person who WOULD be okay with rekindling a friendship. Tough stuff. Good luck moving forward. It’s hard when we can see our own actions led to the destruction of a relationship we cared about.

    1. Thank you for letting me know that I’m not the only one who has ever done this. Sometimes it feels that way.

      I’m definitely done reaching out. I have tried and people have made clear they are not interested and will not respond. I need to respect their wishes on that, it’s the least I can do. But it’s hard. I wish things could be different but I understand why they can’t.

  3. Painful.
    Hard.
    Sad.
    And maybe the lesson is that while we are not forgiven perhaps we can forgive both ourselves and others around us.
    And it remains painful and sad and hard.

    1. “And maybe the lesson is that while we are not forgiven perhaps we can forgive both ourselves and others around us.” THIS.

  4. I make amends once for my part of the mess and then leave it alone. I apologize for whatever it was I did and then I let any additional relationship come from the other party. I’ve smashed an awful lot of things in my life so it’s happened all too often. So far it’s mostly stayed at that single contact and that’s fine for my part. I forgive the other person for being human and I try to forgive myself and I also try not to punish myself too much either.

  5. Oh I feel you. I have a relationship like this and the person started a new blog and copied over all of her old stuff, and I had no idea she had a new blog (and did not care) until I got a comment approval request because she had a link to my blog. Of course I approved it, because I’m not a birch and I get over things, and I check in and read every now and again. Her son turned two and I just had to wish him a happy birthday…. So I commented. And she denied my very nice birthday wish to her son. Umm.. Ok. I will not do that again. And it hurt a little.

    So yeah, I relate.

    But it happens, especially in this world of written words and not personable conversations.

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