I didn’t mention in either of my last two (super downer) posts: one of the things that significantly affects my mood (negatively) right now, is related to my kids.
One of my children is struggling with anger issues. Lately, there are frequent (very intense) outbursts that cause acute stress in all of us. Multiple times a day I’m sent into a fight or flight response. I feel my shoulders tense, and my neck kink, and my heart pound. The rest of the day I’m waiting, expectantly, for the next outburst. There is almost no respite from this cycle.
I do not believe our current situation is causing these angry outbursts – there were plenty of anger issues before – but it’s surely not helping. Presenting distance learning expectations, maintaining screen time boundaries, the frustration of not answering every questions correctly on learning games, all cause these outbursts. They are happening all the time. And they are making it very hard to make it through each day.
It’s exhausting. And it makes being stuck at home with my kids all day very difficult. We’re trying to find effective ways to help our kid manage their anger, but we’re feeling pretty helpless. Obviously now is not the time to seek outside support. I’m reading books and enacting strategies but so far nothing has helped. I know that right now compassion and empathy are the most important responses, but they are also the most exhausting.
Some days it feels like I’m being held hostage by my kid’s outrage. I’m trying to complete my stress cycles but the frequency of the outbursts makes that all but impossible. Mostly I just try to get through each day, and hope the next one will be better. Until this changes, I doubt I’ll be able to pull myself out of my ever deepening depression.
I’m sorry. I’m in a similar situation. Almost every request or statement of expectations is meet with a lot of anger and tears. Even mere suggestions of something we can do can set him off. I also feel held hostage at times. My husband and I would like to go for walks, do scavenger hunts, maybe watch a different movie, etc and the negative response is overwhelming and I’m reluctant to even propose anything because I don’t want to deal with it. It has also been going on for awhile but now we are getting pushback on everything.
Just sending air hugs my friend. It’s so, so hard.
There is no way SFUSD would be able to manage this right now. I was told if I wanted to get a 504 on file for my daughter I should start ASAP because it takes them months to actually do it. Our school and district is barely functioning right now, getting resources from them would take the remainder of the school year, if I’m lucky, and insane amounts of effort of my part.
That’s the school district. What about your child’s pediatrician? Developmental medicine departments also have a waitlist, but it’s not as bad as on the East Coast. But the first step is the pediatrician, who should be able to give you some resources.
Yeah. I know I can reach out to my pediatrician, but I doubt it would lead to anything meaningful. We just got a new pediatrician so she doesn’t know us at all, which sucks. But more importantly, I have tried to use Kaiser’s child development resources in the past and I’ve never gone back after an initial meeting. They just never have anything to offer. It’s always, “I know you’re concerned, but this is very normal and here are some cookie cutter ways to manage it.” So it’s hard to motivate to reach out again. But I’ll try.
I remember that tune. And I do know that it’s hard (I’ve been living my own version). Ross Greene has a good book called “The Explosive Child.” I really liked the framework of shifting one’s mindset to thinking about the explosions being linked with lagging skills. Near you is UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Center, which we’ve been exploring for resources (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/). Big Life Journal is a podcast my kids love (https://biglifejournal.com/) in combination with Peace Out (https://bedtime.fm/peaceout), which I use to help them calm down at night and after big feelings.
Look, I know this is hard and scary. I live my own version with 2 children I fought long and hard for. And I’m sorry that social distancing has made all this harder. But I’m also an adult who was a kid that no one fought for and the scars from years of internalizing that I was “bad” due to anger and lacking skills to handle my emotions are something that still impact me today. I know everyone’s story is different, but I wish someone had fought to get me the help I desperately needed.
Thank you for those resources. And your advice. I don’t mean to be dismissive of your suggestions to contact our pediatrician, I’ve just spent so much time trying to get help from Kaiser and it never feels worth the effort. NEVER. It SHOULD be worth the effort, but it’s just not. (A couple of really egregious instances stand out and make it almost impossible for me to put myself in the position of help-seeker from them ever again).
You know, I have The Explosive Child, but hadn’t thought to re-read it. I definitely should as it’s been a while, and it would help to re-read it with the current issues in mind. Thanks for reminding me of that. I’m also excited to check out the other resources. My kids love podcasts so those will probably be big hits. I finally found a meditation app that they like and we’re doing meditations on the days we have big feelings – I’m trying hard to give them tools they can use themselves, and to not discipline them for their outbursts. We talk A LOT about how feelings are okay, but certain responses that hurt ourselves or others, are not. My kids get their big feelings from me (my husband is the epitome of calm – it kind of drives me crazy) so I do have a ton of empathy for them. I know how hard it can be to grow up to STILL feel like your feelings get the best of you. I think that is part of why it hurts so much to see them struggling – I feel guilty they got it from me and guilty I don’t have great tools to help them with it. I also internalized a lot of messages about how I was “wrong” and “bad” and “too much.” Oh the “too much” one… that is at the core of my understanding of myself. I think if I manage to disassemble it the rest of my would come crashing down. I definitely don’t want to say and do things that lead my kids to internalize messages like that. I am trying really hard, I’m just not always sure what to do. Thank you for sitting with me in this hard time, and for sending out messages of support and resources. It means a lot.
Same. One kid -younger-goes thru distance learning with zero issues. A breeze. Does so gleefully, and scores well (where there are scores). With the other, everything is a struggle. Lots of anger and procrastination and negativity. Outbursts the instant something doesn’t go right or a link doesn’t work etc. And I’m trying to do my full time job. I get angry and then feel crappy for feeling this way towards my child and not having patience. In many ways we are privileged but I really think kids with SAHPs have an advantage here since their parents have all day to soothe, explain, etc.
Thank you for your kindness and sharing what helps you maintain perspective. Trauma kicks hard even when we are grown and trauma is very old.
Sounds like lots of hard times happening for kids. Know you have lots of experience in past with rage outbreaks. Wondering if the current restrictions make it harder, if it is age related/developmental/hormonal, if it is lack of access to peers just when they become more important … happens elementary school as well as middle school as family and friends change their level of impact on children. You know more than I about medication for emotional control but maybe there is a disruption. Depending on age of child involved sometimes talking about explosions when everyone is calm helps everyone understand and change some dynamic. Living with explosions is very difficult and that added stress on top of virus restrictions, job pressures, confinement must be really trying. Much sympathy and support! Wish I knew magical answers. For all of us.
Honestly, I think now is the time to be seeking outside support. I say this because I just had 2 very productive appointments for my kids and the school district has been insanely collaborative and supportive working with our medical providers and us. We’ve seen a ton of growth with both our kids since the 504s were put in place and everyone has stepped up the support with the distance learning. I can’t say we don’t have our moments (all of this is hard), but I don’t feel alone in helping my family.
I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I remember you writing about past struggles and it’s likely the teachers are seeing this struggle too. Yes, school districts are taxed, but resources are available so that kids can get the help and support they need in order to grow and thrive. Frankly, you shouldn’t be doing this alone.