I thought a lot yesterday about why I’m struggling so much with this situation, when so many other people seem more able to grin and bear it.
As an extrovert who relies on interactions with other people to energize me, limiting my interactions to my immediately family is exhausting. I haven’t found screen interactions to provide the connection I need to feel better. In fact, usually I feel worse after attempting connection via a screen.
I think I rely on the positive, nourishing experiences of my other roles (daughter, teacher, friend, martial arts student) to help me manage the more complicated and depleting roles of mother and wife. Being a mother and wife are all about giving. I get very little in return. Or at least I’m getting very little in return right now, when we’re all stressed out and sick of each other.
My husband and I manage stress very differently and we generally fall into dysfunctional patterns when circumstances challenge us separately or together. We grow very distant and disconnected and it becomes harder and harder to find our way back to our relationship in a positive way. I think this has to do with our different ways of seeking and needing connection. Each of us struggles to show up for the other in the ways that are most meaningful for them, so when we’re depleted by the stress of external circumstance, we lack the reserves to show up for each other in ways that are meaningful. Instead we drift farther and farther apart until we are so disconnected it feels daunting to attempt finding each other. We’ve talked about it several times and we aren’t even trying to be proactive anymore. At this point we’re just giving each other space and staying out of each other’s way. It’s so much more lonely when you’re lonely around people you love.
Slipping into depression would be so easy right now. I know that path so well. I could slip into the ruts and stumble through the next few months on autopilot. Hopelessness and despair are tracks that would guide my thinking like the metal rail on those amusement park car rides. I could stay the course without even looking. With so much uncertainty, that path is seductive.
And even if I do everything I can to stay out of those ruts. I might end up back in them anyway. Right now nothing that should feel good does. I don’t want to talk to friends on a screen so I don’t organize meet ups. I’m not declining them yet, but I don’t organizing them myself so they don’t actually happen. I’m still going to virtual martial arts classes though I’m starting to loath them. I’m making myself go outside even though it feels more like a burden than a release. I’m meditating even though I don’t recognize that it’s helping me. I ask for time away from the family and read a book in the quiet, but I spend the whole time agonizing over the prospect of going back up. I’m trying to take care of myself, but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. And maybe the allure of depression feels so strong because subconsciously I recognize I can’t actually escape it, even if I tried.
Taking it one day is the only coping strategy I can manage right now, and hopefully that will be enough. I don’t think about the future because I assume it will be more of the same and facing that eventuality sends me into a panic. So I don’t think about it at all. When I’m forced to figure out the date of a future weekday for school I can’t believe we’re looking at May already. I’m living so in the immediate day that it’s jarring when amy outside context is thrust into my consciousness.
I’m guessing that lack of anticipatory joy is also exacerbating the stress and sadness of the day to day. I didn’t realize how much I relied on looking forward to something in the future, to manage the banality of the present. But I guess I do. and I guess instead of anticipatory joy I should be finding joy in the moment. But that feels more impossible than ever right now. Right now I’m just trying to maintain the routines I’ve been told should help me, so I can look back at the end of this and at least know that I tried.
Don’t think you are advocating for early opening. Just for some sense that there is hope. Wrote a lot of words, reduced myself to tears.
I am a senior. Will I ever see my children and grandchildren again in person? Will that take 2 years? 5 years? 10? Will I ever again see in person & touch a loved one? There were 54 new confirmed cases in the last 24 hrs in SF, they are not testing the non-seriously ill. Will my grands become orphans? I see people writing about how hard it is to not say goodby to loved ones. I wonder if I will ever again say hello to mine in person.
Mopped up tears again.
Yes, I know the rules about keeping on and being active and reaching out to talk to people; yes, I do them as well as telling you to do so. No, they do not always help. No, noemikjames, you are not alone or strange or different. This is very very hard.
Please keep posting, then I do not worry that you are ill. Thank you.
Doing better now. Sometimes it is all more overwhelming than other times. Knowing this is true for more than just me helps in it’s own way. And, reminds me why I need to walk early in the morning each day.
Hope the 4 of you were able to go someplace and do something outdoors even if it was 5 mins in the back yard of jumping jacks.
I’m sorry you are also struggling. These are hard times. I’m lucky in that I’m not especially worried about the health of my family. I am very lucky that none of my immediate family has underlying medical conditions. And while yes, I know that in a very small percentage of healthy people there are bad outcomes, the percentage of people killed in car crashes each year is much higher, and I still commute 18,000 miles every year. There are always a small percentage of people with bad outcomes to otherwise relatively benign illness, but I don’t stress about those either (and not because I believe myself to be immune to negative health outcomes, but because there is nothing I can do about preventing them so I don’t let myself dwell on them). I’m not writing this to convince you not to feel fear about this virus – I recognize that most people do feel very afraid and for good reason – I’m just explaining my thought process around not being afraid myself. Mostly I’m afraid I might give it someone else who would have a bad outcome. That would be horrible, and that is why I follow the shelter-in-place guidelines as rigidly as I do. I hope you find some peace moving forward.
I guess without realizing it maybe……your comments and posts lately perhaps reveal more truths about yourself than you’d like to face or admit.
This is another comment that sounds very trump aligned but this is your blog and your thoughts….
Im sure you and everyone else here will object and come to your rescue.
You will be okay, really. If you’d like some reading material that really spells out the reality of this pandemic and how well you have it, I’m more than happy to provide it.
Also, your husband needs to really step up. But that was clear even before the pandemic.
I appreciate your perspective. And I don’t think anyone will come to my rescue. I’m probably ignorant for feeling the way I do. Or stupid. I think I’m struggling to understand this when I read articles about how million of us had it and didn’t even know? I don’t know how to be afraid of something I might have had and not even known. It’s one thing to know that people are more contagious before they show symptoms but that millions of us have it and never even felt a little sick… I’m just trying to make sense of everything I’m reading (which all comes out of TPM and the NYT – both reputable news outlets) and what I’m hearing personally from friends who are doctors and nurses themselves. I would ABSOLUTELY appreciate you sending me better information so that I can understand things better.
And my comment was about my own fears for my own family. They are not meant to criticize other people’s feelings or comment on policy. Besides lamenting (and once questioning) outdoor spaces being closed I don’t feel I’ve ever criticized policy on this blog. I trust that policy experts are making the choices that are best for our community and I respect and follow those policies. I’m following the shelter in place orders as well as most people I know, if not better. People still have nannies coming to their house, or use their parents to watch their kids. I’ve social distance walked with my parents twice and visited their backyard once. I’ve never stepped foot in an outside space that has been closed. I wear a mask and gloves when I grocery shop.
Maybe it’s Trumpian not to be afraid of personally contracting the coronavirus. If it is, then I guess I’m that. Not being afraid to get it myself doesn’t mean I disagree with what we’re doing. I just want to make that very clear.