Conflicted

I’ve been dealing with some stuff on the friendship front that I’ve really wanted to work through here but I feel that I can’t. I don’t think my friends are reading this blog–they promised not to–but I could never be sure. And I would never want to put up anything that might hurt them.

The frustrating thing is that all this shit is about me, 100%. I know it’s about me, and has nothing to do with my friends or even our friendships, but if I’m going to write about it the circumstances have to be mentioned and in the mentioning of them implications will be made. Or my friends will see implications, even if none were intended.

We, as human beings, can’t hear about something that involves us in some way and not feel guilt or perceive blame. At least not most of the human beings I know.

At least not me.

Basically, I know I’d probably take it personally, even if deep inside I knew it wasn’t actually about me, and I can’t possibly expect my friends to handle something better than I expect I would handle it myself.

And I want to write this blog with the assumption that people I know may some day find it. Because they might. Maybe they already have.

The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, especially the people I care about.

Ugh. It’s just hard. Because I know you guys could, and would, help me through it and it sucks to have to keep it inside, trying desperately not to let it fester. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of letting it go, but I also don’t think I’m learning anything that will help me manage these emotions better then next time they pop up.

And there will be a next time. Of that I can be sure.

Is there stuff you don’t feel comfortable talking about on your blog? Does it frustrate you? Is there somewhere else you can process those things?

7 Comments

  1. If it helps: sometimes over the course of lives as things and events in our own lives change and our friendships change. Sometimes the reasons behind the enlarging or shrinkage are unknown to those involved, sometimes people have felt pain and moved. HOWEVER, as the years move on sometimes these same people return to our lives and friendships are reignited. And sometimes not. Some times we change, sometimes they change, it is not immutable or always something that can be put in words. Sometimes events happen, sometimes they do not. But always we need to be moving forward even if tears from losses stream down our faces. This is how we discover we are resilient……… You are resilient.

    1. My friendships have changed a lot over the years, but I think I’m just starting to learn why. I spent so much of my twenties in a fog of depression and I feel like I lost some of the most important years in the friendship arena. I missed out on building some really long, lasting friendships and I missed out on learning about friendships. It’s something I’m still disappointed about and I can get in a real funk blaming myself for how my history of depression has deeply wounded this area of my life.

      I’m working hard to take back some of the ground I lost in my 20’s but it’s hard and I worry I’ll never really get there. I have similar feelings about all of this in my marriage as well–I also feel like I missed valuable learning opportunities in the romantic arena due to severe depression in my twenties. Ugh, sometimes I feel so handicapped by it. It’s infuriating. And exhausting.

      1. By the time you are hitting your 70s you know what did or didn’t happen in your 20’s is not huge. That more than 1/2 of the most important people for your life have not yet crossed your path. That they may not even be on the horizon until your 40’s and some will appear after 70. Do not go down the rabbit hole of judging yourself prematurely … It will all get better, change, have troubles and JOYS.

  2. I was just thinking about this very topic, the things that can’t go on the blog because of one thing or another. I’ve decided not to identify myself or my girls so there are some details that have to be left out and some are things I really want to write about. That said, I do write about me and my part in things that involve others, sometimes adding or subtracting to distort reality so we aren’t identifiable. I figure if it’s stuff I am comfortable saying within the office to a coworker about another coworker, it’s public enough to be on the blog. otherwise I may write elsewhere or a draft here that I don’t publish, just to be able to read through my thoughts.

    1. I sometimes write about things that I can’t publish in my paper journal, or as an email to a friend. Many times writing them as an email helps because I can then get some feedback, even if it’s just from one person. Every little piece of perspective helps. 😉

  3. Sometimes I really wanted to delve into familial relationship issues (parents, they frustrate me) but my sisters read it and that’s not nice to do. *sigh*

    1. That must be hard. Did you give your sister’s the url for your blog or did they find it? I have not shared my blog(s) with any of my family members but I write on them with the assumption that they may find it one day. I’d be devastated to hurt them with what I write here (although I sometimes mention some stuff my mom would not appreciate, I do think we could move past it if we needed to).

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