It’s August 6th today. How can that be? Every school year I can’t believe when we make it to the end, and then every summer I can’t believe how short it feels. Except in the middle of it, it feels expansive, and I try to remember that.
The end of this summer has brought some unexpected emotional complications. The night before we left for Maui, my mom called sobbing to tell me that one of her best friends, who was a close family friend, had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. She was only in her mid-60s. My mom was (and is) obviously devastated. I was very sad. We were supposed to see her at dinner at my parents’ house right after our trip and I couldn’t wait to tell her about staying at the Bass Pro Shop pyramid. She would have loved that kitschy shit so much. I can just hear her cackling about it.
I spent much of that night crying, but I didn’t tell the kids. I still haven’t told them actually. I meant to yesterday, but then it didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll tell them on the drive up. (They knew her, but weren’t super close with her, mostly I think it will freak them out how she died so suddenly – while walking her dog! – and make them feel anxious that it could happen to anyone else they know. I know it’s brought sudden mortality to my mindset this past week.) Her loss brought a bittersweetness to our week in Maui, and I thought often about how much she would have loved to see pictures of all the fish and sea turtles. She had so much travel planned for the next few years, and my heart breaks for her that she won’t be going on any of those trips.
How does one follow the last few paragraphs? With mundane shit I guess, because that is what loss and grief are, pain that follow you through your every day life, which still has to be lived.
…
Today we drive up to Guerneville for two nights at an AirBnb cabin and a day of floating on the Russian River with my sister, who is in town from London, and my parents and kids. The husband will be staying home for this little trip; he just can’t miss anymore work.
After this trip, summer break is pretty much over.
I have to admit, I am not excited about this trip to the river. My sister and I have a complicated relationship. My parents are getting older, and it can feel hard to be around my mom especially when she’s feeling anxious about forgetting something. My sister is not what I would consider a “chill” person and my dad expresses his frustration quickly and angrily. Add onto these dynamics the loss of our close family friend, and it feels like a recipe for intensity. Also my kids will be there, which means I’ll be responsible for creating and maintaining behavioral and emotional boundaries around them.
Obviously I think there is a chance things could go okay, or I would have cancelled the trip, but I’m definitely steeling myself for ways it could unravel. There are moments when I’m really looking forward to the actual float trip (we rented tubes and the weather is supposed to be damn near perfect), and other moments when I remind myself that we have are own car and can leave if we need to at any time.
I’m also thinking a fair amount about next week, which is busy at the beginning and then back to work (for me) at the end!
The beginning of next week is busy because the kids and I have a bunch of appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have my allergy shot, and a doctor’s appointment about my rosacea (which of course looks much better now – but I’m still going to go in for it). Both kids have dentist appointments (I didn’t have to reschedule the ones I made six months ago!) and the 11yo has his well visit/school sports release form visit (plus at least one vaccination, which I’m eager for him to get now, before coverage for vaccinations changes). I will be driving back and forth between two Kaiser buildings and the dentist basically all day for two days, but it’s worth it to get all this stuff done and out of the way.
Oh, and the 11yo has a coaching session at the batting cages on Tuesday afternoon. I just want him to feel comfortable enough with his basic skills that try outs aren’t super stressful for him. He’s gone to a couple weeks of Giants Baseball Camp over the years, but he’s never played on a team before. We got him a rebounding net and he’s spent several hours a week in our backyard, practicing his throwing and catching skills. The improvements he’s made is really noticeable! I hope a couple sessions with a batting coach, and some independent batting cage practice, will get him to feel better about those skills as well.
We still haven’t heard anything from his school about a 6th grade welcome day. They start a week from this coming Monday, so it would have to happen next week, and I’m worried it will be when I’m back at work (on Thursday or Friday). Mostly I just want him to be able to walk his schedule – his middle school building is MUCH bigger than his elementary school, and his schedule will be way more complicated.
I, of course, have accomplished a few things before school starts, so I can feel at least a little bit in control.
The 11yo has a new backpack for his new school. Last year’s backpack actually held up really well and I wouldn’t have gotten him a new one, except both are from Costco so their combined total is something like $60. The 15yo is keeping her much more expensive North Face backpack another year.
They both have new shoes – two new pairs of Converse for the 15yo (purchased on deep discount) and two new pairs of Jordans for the 11yo (I might hold the high tops until his birthday, because his old high tops still fit and aren’t in horrible shape).
I got them both new planners (Planner #1 recommend by SHU this week here) and I hope that checking in with them about their planners once a day will (a) happen and (b) inspire meaningful conversations about how their school years are going.
UPDATE: We’re up in Guerneville. Everyone loved the AirBnB. There is one more bed than we thought and the 15yo loves the couch bed (I’m sharing a bed with the 11yo in the room with the couch bed) my parents get a room with an en suite and my sister gets her own room too. Dinner was intense, but everyone liked their food and we all survived the time together. I think tomorrow will be fun. I’ll update again once we’re home.
I’m so sorry about your mom’s friend! That’s really terrible, and the fact that it was so sudden is scary. I hope your trip turns out well.
Yeah, summer goes fast! It’s weird because I do feel like you just got out of school- but obviously that’s not the case. But you did a LOT this summer- I think you’ll look back it as a “short-long” (a term coined by my son to mean it seems short at the time, but long in retrospect).
I’m realizing it’s Thursday, and my daughter goes back to school Monday. Are we ready? No, we are not! I better get my ass in gear here.
Good luck with everything!
May you have good memories of your mother’s friend. The sorrow of loss continues but remembering the good parts helps.
How lovely to have a day on the river before you go back to work. Your family has been lucky.
My family has been lucky! We got great weather on the river, and had a lot of fun. I’m so glad it was warm enough to want to be in/on the water for four hours. We had a great time, and I think it was a first for everyone!
I’m so sorry about your mom’s friend. My aunt died similarly, she just fell down dead of a brain aneurysm, she didn’t even bring her hands up to break her fall. She was in her 40s. I think that can happen at any age, but the comfort is that it is RARE. I hope the kids weren’t too freaked out about it, and I’m glad that you are surviving your family time. Family time is so precious, and yet can be so fraught at the same time.
It is comforting that it is rare. That is what I’m holding on to right now. The kids actually handled it really well. And yes, family time is so precious, even when it can also be fraught. I had plenty of that dichotomy this past week.