My marriage is a hot mess right now, just like the rest of my life.
I know everyone tells you that marriages take work, and are rarely easy, but for real. Sometimes it feels like I don’t get out nearly what I’ put in.
It feels like that in so many areas of my life, that my effort is not creating the desired results. Or really any measurable results.
My husband has informed me that he doesn’t really like me much anymore. I can’t remember exactly how I said it, but I repeated it back to him and he confirmed I understood him correctly. So it’t not like I heard that in something else he said. He doesn’t like me anymore.
Does he love me? I don’t know if he even knows.
Do I love him? I’m not sure. I’m tired. I’m tired of putting in the work and not getting the results. It makes me not want to put in the work anymore.
I’m tired of reading the books about how to do it better and being the only one who tries to change. I think maybe my husband will never be happy with someone like me. He is a perpetually calm person who never loses his cool, very rarely yells, and is most comfortable avoiding confrontation. His preference is always to choose the path of least resistance, the one that requires the least amount of expended energy. He doesn’t want much, and is generally content with the ways thing are.
If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, I think you can guess where the issues are.
When we have conversations about how to make our marriage better I feel like it’s always about me. He doesn’t like the way I do this or that, and it sucks to feel like I am the one with all the issues and he is just fine.
I’m also tired of apologizing for my anger, because you know what, as a woman in this country, who was fed a whole lifetime of lies about what was awaiting me, I have reason to be angry. Yes, I can always learn to more effectively express my anger, but I’m done apologizing for it.
I’m just done, all around.
April was a hellacious month. I’m sure things will get better. But that’s the thing. They always get better, and they always end up back here again. I worry we are just postponing the inevitable by perpetuating a cycle that is not productive. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right? That’s also stupidity.
It’s lonely living with someone who doesn’t like you. And I am tired.
I am just sending a hug.
Doing the same.
Thanks.
Thanks.
1. I am so sorry. That isn’t something anyone ever wishes to hear in any relationship.
2. Being with another person is hard. Being single is also hard. How the two states are hard varies over time and in details.
3. This is the time of year you two always need time alone together doing joint things and it has appeared in the past that such time brings you both back into relationship.
4.I have no idea of answers. I like the you that I know from here very much and you always impress me with your strength and ability to get more done than I think is possible.
Concern, caring, support. And hope that seeing lawyer re tenant and having that situation cleared up reduces stresses in your home. Also end of school year, fingers crossed, helps.
There is absolutely no way the tenant situation is going to be cleared up any time soon, because if we try to do an owner move in now, he will surely sue us (which he can do if he suspects the owner move in is being attempted for other reasons – which, with bed bugs, it would be easy to argue that it is). Also, he either gets free representation from the city, or we have to pay his legal bills, so there is no reason for him not to fight. He has a rent controlled apartment at WAY BELOW market rate in SF. He is going to fight for it, and fight hard. So we really don’t have any way to get this cleared up any time soon.
That is nuts that you or the city will have to pay for this guy’s legal bills…
Wow. That’s kind of nuts that the city will pay even if he isn’t low income.
I’m a huge rent control proponent and believe tenants should have access to affordable legal help, but at some point, the balance is tipped so far in favor of tenants that small landlords will just go out of the business entirely. Homeowners like you will leave the city because renting isn’t worth the hassle and they can’t afford to stay there otherwise. Slightly larger landlords will probably sell their buildings and they will be converted to condos.
Amen.
I’m surprised that you can’t evict him due to nuisance, given he has created a substantial interference with the comfort, safety or enjoyment of your family (aka the landlord). But I’m assuming that nuisance is hard to prove, as you would have to have evidence that he is bringing the bed bugs into your home.
Insanely frustrating and stressful. Which isn’t helping your relationship with your husband, who is conflict avoidant.
I guess we’ll see on Wednesday if that is an option. The problem is, basically any of the options can be countered by him, which will certainly involve long and costly legal action. We are being really diligent about documenting all we can, and almost all our communications are via email, which really helps. Hopefully that will all help us.
Which is why Annie’s point is an important one. I also support tenant’s rights and rent control, but it has to be within reason. Giving the tenant all the power is not within reason (and there’s ongoing debate whether it’s legal). Plus it gives you guys no easy way to resolve.
Ugh. I’m insanely frustrated for you. And saddened that this is a huge source of stress.
This may be in left field, but around here when you move in and out of apartments a bed bug sniffing checks the apartment. At camps they do the same check with kids belongings, before they can move into cabins. So if you have to treat again, could you hire a dog to first check and make sure they are completely gone and then check his belongings before he moves back in? I don’t know if that would violate his rights, but it would be a way to figure out if he’s bringing them right back in.
Being married can be hard. So can being single, esp. with children. I completely agree that it’s lonely living with someone who doesn’t like you, and I would feel really hurt if my husband told me that he didn’t like me anymore.
You may have tried or considered this, but in case you haven’t: perhaps marriage counseling would help? At a minimum, the two of you will have to continue to parent your two children together, and sometimes the intercession of a disinterested third party with experience in helping facilitate communication can make a world of difference. (My husband and I saw a marriage counsel for several sessions a few years ago, and it made a HUGE positive difference in our marriage.)
We have considered it. The thing is in San Francisco right now there is a real therapist availability crisis. Most places have a 6 to 12 to 18 month wait list. It’s nuts. And prices have skyrocketed. Evidently it’s like $300 an hour to see someone right now. It’s crazy. I guess that is supply and demand…
So while we’d like to see someone, that doesn’t feel feasible at the moment. Maybe in the future…
Our marriage counseling was paid for through my husband’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) up to a certain number of sessions.
Sorry. This sucks.
I’ve experienced some of this—my DH generally will be content to never discuss problems, etc. I’m ALWAYS the one who initiates things. Which then makes me the bad guy. Like in your situation, where you are “unliked.”
I wonder if you have access to an EAP thru your husband’s work? I’ve been a public employee almost my whole career and my public agency employers have always had an EAP program where you get 3 free counseling sessions (if you use an approved provider on the list). May not help you get in any sooner but it’s worth a shot.
I didn’t know about that program. Thank you for telling me about it. I will look into it.
And by the way, the dynamic you described is EXACTLY what happens in our marriage, although my husband DOES have things he doesn’t like about our dynamics that don’t bother me. And he has, on occasion, brought them up of his own volition. But that is a more recent development. Before he always preferred to just “ride it out” (and still does for a lot of things), and I always wanted to “hash it out.”
Ugh, I’m sorry, it would be hurtful to hear that from your husband. My husband also does the thing of trying to make me feel like the “wrong one” sometimes rather than acknowledge his own issues (not that I don’t have any, but I feel like I’m more open to confronting them).
As I often do, I second purple and rose in saying that I like you from what I know reading here and that you accomplish a lot for your family. And good for you for not apologizing for your anger anymore.
Oh girl. I’ve been reading for years so I know all the work and change you have tried to instill in your marriage/relationship. The thing is, when someone is perfectly happy to avoid conflict and anything “uncomfortable”, they are not very likely to change. There are days I really don’t like my husband. I’ve never told him that because it’s extremely hurtful. He’s told me many times that I get on his nerves and blah blah blah. I’ve learned to change how I react to most of the things that make me angry. I envy your decision to not apologize for your anger any longer. We shouldn’t have to. We are humans and we have a miriade of emotions. Men are raised to bury their feelings so it’s no wonder we have multiple generations of men that don’t know how to communicate. Now I’m blabbering. I’m really sorry that he said such a hurtful thing. Have you asked him what he’d like to do about the situation? Does he have a solution or is he waiting around and “riding it out” to see what YOU will decide to do? It’s not fair to put it all on you. If he wants change, whether that is to separate or work on the marriage, then HE needs to grow up and initiate the change. Sorry if that is blunt, but like I said, I’ve been reading for years so I know a lot of the backstory here. I know you have the weight of the world on your shoulders (kids, house, tenant, work), so your husband’s hurtful words have no place in any situation right now. Life is hard, marriage is hard, raising kids is hard and working is hard. None of us are happy-go-lucky all the time. And maybe if he played a more active role in the every-day things that always need to be done and that bring you stress, maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed out and you’d be more “likeable”. Ugh Getting off my soapbox now. I admire you and all you do and have done for your family and your relationship with your husband. Hold your head high. (((hugs))) to you.
For the first time in my marriage, I said straight up, “Last month was really stressful and I know I didn’t always manage my stress in the best possible way, but I will not apologize because I am not ashamed of how I handled that stress.” He was clearly taken aback, as I am a big apologizer. And he even made some passive aggressive comment about it later in the conversation but I just let it slide, and didn’t confront it because frankly, I’m not going to get pulled into whatever his feelings are about it, at least not yet. But yeah, it’s going to be hard, for him and for me.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate the support.
I have been reading here for a long time too and while I know I am only hearing one side of the story I have found you to be very forthcoming about you weaknesses, so assume you’re giving us as balanced a perspective as possible. That said, I’m going to be blunt too. It seems to me your husband is not willing to compromise on anything. I have watched you be the parent who takes the most responsibility for any challenges the kids have as well as being the primary parent, live through what had to be the most miserable work year anyone could possibly experience (in part so your husband can keep his preferred job), evaluate & try to improve your marriage dynamic almost continuously, and be the one who takes on the lion share of budgeting and financial stress. I am so proud you said that to him, because from the outside looking in, it’s been a long time coming. TeeJay is absolutely right, maybe he needs to consider why you’re angry, make some changes, and take responsibility for his role.
I’m sorry I don’t have helpful suggestions. I spent 18 years bending over bacjwards until I said enough. I had been afraid that I couldn’t parent alone (I have 6 kids, including 2 with special needs), afraid I couldn’t afford to be a single mom, etc. we separated while trying to work things out and I got clear about what my non-negotiables were. One was that I needed someone who was willing to talk back and have discussions when issues arose (versuses saying nothing then either throwing it in my face later or spinning it to claim he couldn’t disagree with me because I always had to be right). I got to the point where I built my own self-esteem up enough that I became fine being by myself and was fully okay divorcing. When I did that it clicked for him what he was losing his family and he worked to get us back. It took time for me to trusr him, but I will never again feel like I have less of a right to my feelings than he does or that it is unreasonable for me to expect him to communicate with me. We just celebrated our 24th anniversary and are Much better for having gone through the process.
I am sorry. 🙁 Marriage is hard, and your tenant situation is certainly NOT helping things right now. I second Workingmomof2’s suggestion to look into whether either or both of you have an EAP & can get at least a few counselling sessions through that. I used my company’s EAP several times to help me with various issues, although I also sought private counselling too. Sending (((hugs))).
I’m so sorry. My husband and I went through a really rough patch all last fall and over the winter. We finally got into counseling in February and so far it’s been hard but amazing. My husband would rather ignore problems too and I get really heated and emotional. I chose a Gottman trained therapist and I can whole-heartedly recommend that method. They do weekend workshops and there’s a book you can work through together if you can’t get in to see an actual person, although I don’t think we’d have had much success trying to do this on our own because we had such bad habits in communicating with each other and it’s taken a third person properly trained help us start to change that.
The book is still worth a read regardless – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman