Thank you all for your support on my last post. It means more than I can say.
I forgot to mention in my post, that my husband told me he didn’t like me many months ago (maybe in the fall), when I thought things between us were actually pretty good. His declaration that he was unhappy and didn’t really like me anymore were such a sucker punch to my gut; now I feel like I can’t trust myself to gauge our relationship anymore. That has been the case for a while.
Though I will admit, I wasn’t surprised when my husband repeated that he didn’t like me anymore recently. I was pretty sure things were shot to shit by then.
So yeah, I’m really not sure where we stand. I sometimes wonder what he would say if I asked him if he wanted a divorce. Actually, I know the answer to that. He doesn’t want a divorce because that would take obscene amount of work, and he will always avoid that if he can.
That doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to stay married.
To be fair, I have no idea where I stand either. I’m way too numb to know how I feel.
I signed up for a month of phone therapy. I call it phone therapy because it happens on my phone, either via text (through an app) or actual voice calls. I just got matched today, and I’m not really sure how it will work moving forward. My friend, who is the counselor at my school, recommended the service. She said she used it for a month and it was surprisingly helpful. So I’m giving it a try. Honestly, maybe texting with someone about how I’m feeling, someone who is trained to help me process those feelings, is exactly what I need right now. Lord knows it’s probably all I can manage at the moment, and I appreciate that it’s an option. All I know is it will start soon, I won’t have to spend tons of time finding someone and then months waiting for an appointment. It’s also a lot cheaper than regular face-to-face therapy in the city.
We did talk to the lawyer today. He wasn’t that helpful. He recommended we offer our tenant $20K-$50K to leave. He thinks we should just sit down and see what our tenant is willing to do. If he won’t leave for any amount of money, we’ll have to initiate an owner move-in, in which case we can still be sued for “nefarious intent” or basically, using the Ellis Act to evict someone for another reason (he would surely argue we were doing it because of the bed bug situation). So yeah. The good news is, we would only have to pay for his legal bills if a judgement were issued requiring that (I didn’t catch why such a judgement might be made). Our lawyer doubted he would receive free legal counsel (only tenants in protected situations get that). So at least he has to pay his own goddamn lawyer fees if he does decide to sue.
The whole thing is very stressful and I don’t think it will be resolved any time soon. This person choose to pay rent on this unit for 17 months without living there, so he clearly has no desire to leave (I wouldn’t either – he has an amazing deal down there). The only reason he might choose a buyout is if he still believes he has bed bugs, but there isn’t evidence of that, and no pest control companies will treat the unit, or if they will, we won’t pay, and he is so miserable co-habitating with bed bugs (real or imagined) that he takes a buy-out and leaves.
(Oh, and he says it would be very hard to evict him as being a nuisance (because he brought in the bed bugs) because it’s so hard to prove where they came from. So even though we don’t have bed bugs, and the unit never had bed bugs, and now he lives there and it does have bed bugs, we still can’t blame the bed bugs on him because we basically have to PROVE that he brought it bed bugs. It’s such bullshit.)
The lawyer recommended we have this conversation with our tenant ASAP, as he seems unstable and might dramatically up his demands if given the chance. We feel waiting might make more sense, either for him to get more desperate because of the the perceived bed bug situation, or to let it cool down so he will have less traction if he decides to sue us after our owner move-in attempts. I honestly don’t know what to do.
I also don’t know where to get the money. I mean we can use our emergency fund to cover up to $25K, but I wonder if I wouldn’t rather drain my retirement account – I think I might prefer working longer than drastically restricting spending for a number of years. It’s definitely a “lesser of two evils” decision. One I guess we’ll eventually have to make.
My husband is choosing to “be positive” and he is certainly a master compartmentalizer, so he is handling this all relatively well. I feel like I’m watching my dreams go down the drain with the prospect of spending this much money, and never having the rental unit as a source of income again. I’m trying not to let it get me down, but it’s hard.
Meanwhile a friend just let me know that she and her husband will be separating, as soon as they can find a rental for him. She recommends I start saving my money now, in cash.
It’s really hard for me to see the bright side right now. I wish I knew how my husband does it.
I truly have no idea how to handle such a situation. Each part is on its own insanely stressful. Combined…..
I’m sorry that the meeting with the lawyer was fruitless. Given my experience with lawyers, though, I’m wondering if a second-opinion is worthwhile. Yes, California tenant laws give insane protections, but given that your tenant is showing erratic behavior it may be worthwhile seeing if you get the same advice prior to dropping $20-50k in cash (holy crap!!!). I’m wondering especially as it sounds like this is a tenant that you inherited when you bought your home.
As far as your husband, I would argue he’s trapping you in a no-win situation that would make the most sane of people crazy. He tells you he doesn’t like you but is making no moves to find resolution or make changes? Honestly, how can anyone find a way out of that one short of dying?
I commend you for taking actions to support your mental health given all of this. And I’m continuing to abide with you in all of this, especially as you’re handling all of this much better than I imagine I ever would.
Ha, enjoyed your blog post title 🙂
That would be an extra punch in the gut that your husband first mentioned his not liking you when you thought things were okay. One thought, is your husband stating his dislike of you a way of stating his unhappiness with some other situation in his he is unwilling to address? I definitely know this is the case with my husband. And not that everything in perfect in our marriage, but it’s a lot easier to b*tch at your wife than doing the hard work of going and finding a different job or whatever the issue is.
The phone therapy sounds like a great idea and f you care to share would be interested to hear what it’s like to use this method.
Sorry that the lawyer wasn’t more helpful. I think it’s very good news though that the tenant wouldn’t get free legal representation if he were to sue you. That makes the bar much higher for him. Might to be good to clarify in what situations you might be required to cover the legal cost. And agree with the above comment about getting a 2nd legal opinion. $50K sounds like a lot to offer.
And sitting down with the tenant to “see what he would do” sounds like a terrible idea from a negotiating standpoint – you’re given the tenant the impression he has the power to control what’s going to happen. I know it’s easy for me to say, but I would go the owner move-in route and and give him $10-$15K and let the chips fall where they may.
Is there any kind of state or local landlord’s association you can hit up for advice? That might be your best source of practical info on what to do or not do. There’s also the Bigger Pockets real esate online forum https://www.biggerpockets.com/forums and the Mr Money Mustache forum which has a real estate section https://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/real-estate-and-landlording/
Hang in there. You’re doing an awesome job keeping going in a stressful situation.
Wow, this is really hard. I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. The potential financial hit is huge, and the fact that your husband doesn’t seem to care (?) and isn’t tackling this as your partner makes it very painful. I think you would have to pay attorney fees if he counter-sued and won. Of course, he would only do that if he was able to get the money together to get an attorney in the first place. I don’t know what the relocation amount would be for an owner move-in, but maybe I would offer that, plus 10%, and make a point of saying that you are offering him a little more because you know how crazy the rental market is and want to help him.
Your husband is just baffling to me. I don’t understand how he is accepting the status quo (your like-less marriage, financial insecurity, unstable tenant) and is not willing to fight at all for anything better? Is his plan to just live relatively peaceably with you for the next 50 years? How does he expect to retire? Does he ever think about what he wants in life?
I guess something you should ask yourself is, what do you really want in life? Do you think that if you separated you could carve a life for yourself that will be fulfilling, even if hard?
Mental health help is good.
Just how odd is the tenant being? Is there a real credible threat to you or your children? Is he threatening? Document and if possible have an outside witness to any discussions.
The suggested buyout figure is APPALLING. I had sort of thought maybe 5K and thought that was a lot.
IF YOU THINK A DIVORCE MAY BE COMING, get a really good SF lawyer NOW and follow legal advice. I hope that is not part of what is coming down the road but also know sometimes that is real. Where would you be able to find housing and job? Or could you move hubby downstairs into the rental unit…… That would be a real occupancy by family…….
I am so very sorry things are all so terrible.
Wait, so does this mean that there are no bed bugs? If so, I actually would wait a bit before offering him any money. I think it would be easier to argue that you are doing an owner move-in once the bed bug conversation has passed. And once he admits that there aren’t bed bugs, he may act slightly more reasonable.
I’m assuming that every year you are raising the rent to the maximum allowed under the rent control ordinance — if not, please do so!
I’m all for strong tenant rights and protections. But it seems the fact that the guy isn’t even living there would count for something??? Why would you pay rent for 17 mo on a place you’re not living in??? (He was absent before the bedbugs, right? Diff story if the reason he hasn’t been there is bc of the bugs.)
I’m not a family law atty, but…your friend’s advice….community property state, so squirreling away community funds as cash will not be looked at kindly by a future judge…I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
Ugh I hope things get better for you soon.