I think my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is down

I have been trying to figure out why I was so stressed about yesterday’s belt test. I’ve certainly been stressed about belt tests before, and this was the first one I’ve done on a weekday night, which added to the stress of just getting through it. I anticipated being totally out of my mind exhausted by the time was over, and wasn’t a feeling to look forward to. But I’ve put myself through way worse, so why was the test getting to me so much?

And today I’m tired in ways I haven’t been in a long while. The test ran late. REALLY late. We didn’t bow out until 10pm, which meant I wasn’t at the bus stop until 10:15pm. Then I had to get home, move the elf, shower, and prep a few things before bed. By 11:30pm I was laying down but I could not fall asleep. I played Solitaire on my phone for a while, tried to sleep, returned to Solitaire, returned to attempted sleep… I did this for a long time. I fell asleep at one point (I think around 1am) but when I woke up at 3:30am I couldn’t fall back asleep again. It was a rough night. And today I feel a little delirious I’m so tired. You know how they say, I’m so tired I can’t see straight? That’s a real thing. I’m very much struggling to just focus my eyes on what’s in front of me today.

But again, I used to put myself through way worse. When my son was an infant I woke up multiple times every night to feed him, then got up for work at 5am so I could start teaching at 7am. It was an insane schedule, and I managed it for a year. This was one night and I feel physically ill.

I guess my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is just way down. I know part of it is the past two years, which have done a number on my mental and emotional fortitude. But I’m also getting older. And as I’ve done a better job of limiting my commitments, I find I’m less tolerant of the stress and exhaustion that comes from being over scheduled. And while there is a part of me that appreciates how much progress I’ve made on culling my commitments, another part of me is less thrilled at these new limitations. My ability to just get it all done, no matter what, was a point of pride. I’ll have to find new things to be proud of if I can’t just get it done anymore.

But I did get the test done. It was really hard, both mentally and physically and I’m proud of how I performed. There aren’t a lot of higher belts that are 40+ and none of them have kids at home. I was being thrown to the ground at 9:30pm last night, and now I’m at work teaching middle school students (well I will be as soon as my prep period is over). I can still manage a fair amount, I guess I just can’t push past my limits and remain standing like I used to.

I’m not attending the professional development I’m supposed to go to this afternoon. I’m putting in for the hours and taking the time off. I normally wouldn’t have done something like that, but at this point I know it’s the right move. I won’t get anything out of attending (I’ll be way to tired at that point), but if i can rest before the afternoon I might be able to parent my children, which my husband really needs to me to do tonight.

So yeah, just some thoughts on new tolerance levels. Apologies if this post makes no sense. As I mentioned, I’m really tired…