Well, July is here.
We are usually in St. Louis this week. We spend 4th of July at the farm with all my aunts and uncles, and my cousins and their kids. It’s the highlight of every summer – of the year really. Seeing my extended family is very important to me. I’ve only missed a handful of summers in St. Louis – the only one I can remember for sure was the summer my daughter was born. When I was a kid, and we lived in Hong Kong, we spent the entire summer in St. Louis. I am very close with my family there.
But this year we won’t see them.
I know if in the grand scheme of pandemic related sadness, this falls low on the list. But I’m sad this week. Really sad. I’m hoping that after the 4th of July weekend I’ll feel better.
My birthday is later this month, though and I think I’ll be a bit down in the dumps until it’s over. I’m turning 40 and I actually had plans so it’s sad they won’t be happening. My birthday even fell on a Friday this year. I remember how happy I was when I realized that… seems like a long time ago. Such a silly thing to be happy about, but I was, back then.
I need to start getting some work done, on the house and for work. I have no idea what next fall will bring except more chaos and uncertainty and stress, but there are steps I can take now to make that time less chaotic and stressful. I really can do work now that will make my life demonstrably easier in the fall.
I’ve spent two weeks wallowing in a shitty depression. It’s likely I won’t claw my way out of it entirely, but I’ve been depressed for a big enough portion of my life that I can usually make myself do some shit despite how much harder it is. (Goddamn, depression makes it hard to motivate.) Maybe if I get started I’ll feel accomplished and it will help get the ball rolling.
Right now I’m just hoping the kids’ camps happen. If I could get three weeks at the end of the summer to really get some shit done – and to get a break from them every day – I might just make it to the end of the calendar year. I’m pretty sure my daughter’s camp will happen but I worry about my son’s. His is the one I need more, so a part of me will have trouble finding a sense of calm until that has actually started.
In at attempt to end on a positive note: On Friday Hamilton will be streaming on Disney + and my kids are incredibly excited about it. They are obsessed with the music but neither has seen it (I was putting in for the cheap seats lottery for months before the pandemic hit but I never won). Friday is going to be Hamilton day, so at least we have that. It’s something to look forward to, and it’s nice because otherwise this weekend will offer nothing really – no fireworks, no barbecues, no hanging out with friends, no nothing. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.
I shall do the 4th weekend on my own. Not what I would like but remembering to be grateful that all community fireworks are cancelled to reduce Covid exposure and all along the Berkeley/Oakland hills Grizzly Peak road (a main thoroughfare for seeing the views) will be closed reduce fire exposure. Wish the illegal fireworks folks would do same but they really really like to set them off in dry grass open areas because …. somehow they are that ignorant.
I wish you were going to be with your extended family too because I always love the farm pictures. On the other hand I want you all not exposed to the virus and hope your extended family will also be SIP and not gathering to expose each other. The more I hear midwest family plans the more horrified I get at the apparent lack of understanding…..and as the grandparent generation who so very much misses my grands and children I understand the desire to see family …. but I have no interest in using ICU space or the horrific deaths and shocking destruction of young healthy adults that is showing up post even ‘mild’ cases.
BUT OH MY DO I UNDERSTAND YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT!!!!!!!!!! It is a major loss of joy and connection and support.
I do know the days I feel I can count an accomplishment are better than those when I cannot. And, I know when you decide to accomplish the impossible you seem to always manage it. I hope you can do some of the work you want to accomplish at home this summer so the fall is even a tiny bit less ugly than sounds likely. I do not want you to become ill this fall/winter from chaos and overwhelm and that will be hard to avoid based on present information. So know I will be cheering you on and celebrating every task you achieve. AND, I HOPE YOU GET SOME “OFF’ time this weekend by your self. Can you BBQ in your backyard? Just the smell can be lovely to encounter. (I do not own BBQ, so sniff my neighbor’s when they use theirs.)
Hugs!!!! SUPPORT!