As I mentioned before, I’ve been feeling really lonely and isolated lately. I’m not sure quite why. Starting about a year ago, maybe more, I finally felt at peace with my social situation. I didn’t have as many friends as I would like, and certainly not as many close friends as I would like, but for the first time in maybe my whole life I didn’t really care. It was such a relief, and I was so grateful to finally accept my friend situation for what it was. But something shifted again, and started feeling really alone in the world.
It probably didn’t help that my husband started seeing his good friend a lot more. They have been close since college; they started a non-profit together before we met and it’s still going strong (well maybe not strong, but it’s still going). This friend recently moved across the bay to buy a house, and yet they still see each other all the time, going to concerts or other events together. They even spent five days together at a festival in Memphis in September. I wish very much I had a friend like that, someone I’ve known forever and who still wants to spend time with me. Someone I can actually see because they don’t live too far away. (I think it helps very much that this friend does not yet have children.)
It also didn’t help that when I was in LA, I was informed by mutual friends that one of my very best friends, who I no longer speak to, was in the Bay Area. Obviously I wouldn’t have been there to see her, but it was the first time she’d been back since we went our separate ways and while it didn’t necessarily hurt, I was a reminder of yet another person that once meant so much to me that is no longer in my life.
And it’s not like I don’t have any friends – I just don’t have any good friends. I don’t have anyone that I speak to, or text with, regularly, someone who would be first on my list of people to call if something good, or bad, happened. And I know all the people I do consider friends have other people they consider closer friends, while I don’t really have anyone like that. The few close friends I do have are so far away, and have been so far away for so long, that it’s hard to feel like we’re really close anymore.
I’ve come to accept that I’m not an easy person to be friends with. I would very much like to change, but I really and truly don’t know how. I don’t know how to be quieter, or a better listener, or just less… I don’t know… me. I’m just a lot and I get it. People generally like me well enough as a fun acquaintance, but I’m not good “close friend” material.
And that is fine. At least it was for a year or so, and I desperately want it to be fine again. Part of me thinks I should reach out to a few friends and try to get drinks or do something to prioritize those connections, but then another part of me just wants to go back to being okay with my relative solitude, because it’s so much easier when you don’t have to put yourself out there, to be vulnerable to rejection, or just the different priorities of other people. It’s so hard to make time for friendships, and while I am generally good at prioritizing them, other people don’t seem to be, at least not with me, which I’m guessing is some parts intentional and some parts just life.
I don’t know. Friendships are hard. I find myself reading more books these days because books are easy. Books are always there when you need them, and they never had something else they need to do. I’m hoping that with enough good books, I’ll get through the holidays and by the new year I won’t feel so lonely anymore.
Do you feel like you have enough friends?
Making new friends is a life time reality and it can be as hard at 3 or 40 as at 80+. I have learned that long time friends may have long hiatus periods and then regroup and be renewed. Reaching out to people from back when can re vitalize a moribund friendship. But this world today is full of people looking to connect and create friends as people move and life shifts. Keep looking for sources of knowing and meeting new people. They don’t have a history with you but they too may be looking for connections. Ask about bookgroups as a way to connect. Ask about favorite places in the city. Join a get out the vote in 2020 group and keep showing up. LOTS OF PEOPLE are feeling as alone as you are. Ask about other women your age who are doing classes while their children are in class. Do not give up. It is hard and it takes time but learning to reach out is a skill that will last a life time and is needed at all ages.
THANK YOU TO ALL WHO VOTED IN THIS ELECTION AND WHO ENCOURAGED OTHERS TO ALSO VOTE!!!!!!
I am currently in a really good place with my friendships, but I have definitely had times during my life when I have felt the way you do now. Making friends can be challenging, and I think that the addition of full-time work, husbands and children to our lives don’t necessarily make it easier.
I have a few good friends from different stages in life (one from high school, one from college, one from my 20s, a couple from now), but even with that being said, I don’t text/talk with any of them regularly. I mean, I can literally go months without talking to them and then think SHIT, I need to call so-and-so. I think we’re all just busy with LIFE. Work, parenting, spouses, etc. Life is busy. Maybe don’t stress so much about feeling like you don’t have someone to text regularly with, but expand the circle of acquaintances you can call for miscellaneous reasons. You know – this friend would meet for a run, this friend would meet for a drink, this one would be up for a kiddo play date and Mom catch-up time, etc. I definitely lean on different people for different situations.
For the first time in my life I can safely say YES, I do. But, it’s taken me over 40 years to get there. I spent my entire childhood moving so often that there were only 4 years where I felt like I had really great friends- otherwise I was always “the new kid.” 7 years ago we moved home to California, and specifically close to where that friend from childhood was. I have no family left and it was important to me to have someone after floundering around and not having friends. It was the best decision we could have made. I’ve spent the last 7 years getting to be the auntie I always wanted to be. I’ve been here for school plays, graduations, and day to day life. And, thanks to that relationship I have met other people and have other friends, but she and I will always be chosen sisters. BUT, it took my entire life to get here. And a lot of friendless years.
I’m very happy with my social life at the moment (I’m 40), but I’ve also been desperately lonely in my 20s. My family was pretty dysfunctional during my teenage and it took all my energy to survive that and to become independent and I had no energy to maintain friendships. Things started to change for the better about 10 years ago. I met new friends at the university, reconnected with my two best childhood friends, and joined an amateur sports team. I actually think the last one was a turning point because I met so many people through the team and had so much social activity related to that (practice, games, parties etc.) that it eventually sort of desensitized me to the possible difficulties of social life and friendships, and I was encouraged to approach people again.
Before, I also thought I’m a difficult person to be friends with, but now after observing so many people and friendships I’m not so sure – nobody is perfect and people tend to be overly critical towards themselves.
This hits home for me too. I don’t have a ton of friends and have had some spectacular fallouts with women who I thought were close friends. This past year doing intensive therapy has helped me to start feeling more comfortable in my own skin and with being myself. I didn’t even recognize until now how much of me I wasn’t presenting to people. I feel like I’m in a building period of focusing on the friendships I want to develop further.