Long Days

The second week of summer is almost done.

It’s not been what I had hoped.

It is exactly what I expected.

I am reminded, yet again, that I would be a terrible stay at home mom. I think it’s hard to be thrust into the home-all-day existence when you’re used to working full time; you don’t have a rhythm or a routine and by the time you finally get them, it’s time to go back to work. But even taking that into consideration, I recognize that being at home with my kids is not my thing. I’m just not very good at it.

Plus it makes me crazy.

It doesn’t help that they are both at really challenging developmental stages right now. And their wider age gap means it’s hard to find something that they can both authentically engage in. We do a lot of tickling in big heaps on the floor, but even I don’t have the stamina for enough of that to fill the never-ending hours.

Each of them separately is a whirlwind. Together they are a hurricane, laying wasted to even my most well prepared plans.

I’m really struggling. With all of it. I’m drowning in the stuff. I look around and have visions of it consuming me. Under all that stuff is filth. Every moment with both of them is pure chaos and I’m at the center triaging. There are no quiet moments of creativity or inspiration, only screaming, toys flying through the air, accusations hurled, complaints filed, personal safety threatened, hitting, scratching, throwing of bodies on the floor, slamming of heads against stuff that’s hard.

There are definitely moments when I think there is something wrong with me, as a mother. I just can’t fathom other moms are as ineffectual as I am. Are having days like these.

I’m hoping next week will be better. I’m trying to simplify, to postpone the errand that (feels like it) needs to be done, to serve cereal for dinner when preparing dinner feels impossible, to just getting down on the floor with them even though the floor is totally disgusting.

At the end of the day I’m exhausted and nothing gets done. Then I wake up and do it all over again.

I knew this transition would be hard. I tried to prepare myself for it. And I suppose I did. I’m definitely not surprised. I just wish I were better, you know? Better equipped. Better able to manage it all..and with a better attitude. I was trying to take less of my medicine since I’m not at work but I’m upping it again. I need all the reinforcements I can get.

To those of you who stay home with your kids every day, my hat is off to you. It is a really hard job. I know (now, and always) I couldn’t do it.

22 Comments

  1. If it’s any consolation, I’ve been burned out all this week, and texted my friend yesterday that I don’t feel like mothering this week. I just don’t. My kids have had lots of TV and play doh time this week.

    Hang in there. It will be over soon. Ha!!!

  2. Every mom has days like that…even the stay-at-home ones. I think they take different forms, depending on the kid(s) and the mom. You’re doing a great job!

    1. I’m sure they do, but I feel like every day is like this. Do other moms have months like this? Years?

      1. Yep, the whole year of 4 year old kid was a disaster, and the year of 5 wasn’t much better. In time things are better or at least different.

  3. “I just can’t fathom other moms are as ineffectual as I am. Are having days like these.”

    RAISES HAND AND EMPHATICALLY POINTS TO SELF “Me me me! Over here! I do! Alllll the time!”

    Yah. Hang in there. :-/

      1. Thank you for saying that. I hate to know others are struggling but it helps to know my family isn’t some insane anomaly.

    1. Thank you for helping me to feel less alone. I wish we were both having a MUCH easier time of it.

  4. Hey, you’re doing a great job. I was shaking my head while reading this, because I feel you. On the weekends, especially. Come Sunday night, I’m ever so ready to go back to work. Yes, I would be a terrible stay-at-home Mom and seriously, hats off to all SAHM…but I feel like the time I do have, I’m going to try to be my best, for them. AND try to be, “as fluid as possible”…as Type B people tell me…just go with the flow on those errands. They’ll get done. Breakfast for dinner? Sure. One day of that won’t hurt.
    Chin up, stop being so hard on yourself. And we’re always here, backing you.

    1. But what if we have breakfast for dinner every night… 😉

      (I’m only kinda joking on that one.)

      1. I’m a mostly sahm to one kid and he very often has eggs for dinner. He won’t eat eggs in the morning at this point. It’s a dinner food for him. It never occurred to me to be ashamed of it. Nothing wrong with breakfast for dinner!

        1. I am very proud when I get eggs on the table for dinner. It’s Cheerios with milk or kefir I’m not so impressed with…

  5. SAHM here. You’ve described every day of my summer so far. We have lots of brinners, I just try to shake it up once in a while. Scrambled eggs with pancakes goes a long way 🙂

    1. Um scrambled eggs and pancakes are TWO MEALS. I could never get both on the table at one time, unless of course the pancakes were left over from a previous breakfast… 😉

      1. Frozen pancakes all the way. Frozen mini pancakes are great too since they reheat in the microwave faster and are good for dipping so need no cutting up.

      2. I meant them as options, I swear! But we have made large batches of pancakes as a project and frozen them 🙂 And muffins. Our almost 5 year old loves helping to bake.

  6. Oh I second the fact that I would be an awful SAHM. Sunday night we were out to dinner a little later with family and our daughter went to bed 1.5 hours later than usual. We both sort of laughed and said, “thank goodness she will be at daycare tomorrow!” 🙂

    On weekends we try to get my daughter outside as much as possible. Less of a mess to clean up inside and we have two parks that we can walk to from our house. The running around means less chaos later on in the day…..

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