The second week of summer is almost done.
It’s not been what I had hoped.
It is exactly what I expected.
I am reminded, yet again, that I would be a terrible stay at home mom. I think it’s hard to be thrust into the home-all-day existence when you’re used to working full time; you don’t have a rhythm or a routine and by the time you finally get them, it’s time to go back to work. But even taking that into consideration, I recognize that being at home with my kids is not my thing. I’m just not very good at it.
Plus it makes me crazy.
It doesn’t help that they are both at really challenging developmental stages right now. And their wider age gap means it’s hard to find something that they can both authentically engage in. We do a lot of tickling in big heaps on the floor, but even I don’t have the stamina for enough of that to fill the never-ending hours.
Each of them separately is a whirlwind. Together they are a hurricane, laying wasted to even my most well prepared plans.
I’m really struggling. With all of it. I’m drowning in the stuff. I look around and have visions of it consuming me. Under all that stuff is filth. Every moment with both of them is pure chaos and I’m at the center triaging. There are no quiet moments of creativity or inspiration, only screaming, toys flying through the air, accusations hurled, complaints filed, personal safety threatened, hitting, scratching, throwing of bodies on the floor, slamming of heads against stuff that’s hard.
There are definitely moments when I think there is something wrong with me, as a mother. I just can’t fathom other moms are as ineffectual as I am. Are having days like these.
I’m hoping next week will be better. I’m trying to simplify, to postpone the errand that (feels like it) needs to be done, to serve cereal for dinner when preparing dinner feels impossible, to just getting down on the floor with them even though the floor is totally disgusting.
At the end of the day I’m exhausted and nothing gets done. Then I wake up and do it all over again.
I knew this transition would be hard. I tried to prepare myself for it. And I suppose I did. I’m definitely not surprised. I just wish I were better, you know? Better equipped. Better able to manage it all..and with a better attitude. I was trying to take less of my medicine since I’m not at work but I’m upping it again. I need all the reinforcements I can get.
To those of you who stay home with your kids every day, my hat is off to you. It is a really hard job. I know (now, and always) I couldn’t do it.