I’ve never handled the loss of money (either in the form of actual money or the stuff money buys) very well. I am someone who loses things and I take it very hard when I throw cash away with items I’ve misplaced. If I had a dollar for every minute I’ve spent looking for things in my life, I’d be a wealthy, wealthy woman. If I had a dollar for every minute I’ve berated myself for losing something, I’d be the richest person on earth.
I’ve noticed that tracking my spending has exacerbated this issue. Where once wasting money made me angry, now it sends me into a blind rage, which eventually settles into a despondent disappointment.
It’s not just since the spending freeze either. At the beginning of the year, when I was tracking my spending with YNAB, and trying to stay within a set budget, I got a ticket on the bus for forgetting to swipe my card and then the next month I got a parking ticket because I didn’t realize the block parallel to ours had two-hour parking without a permit (our street, and the ones that run perpendicular have no permits or restrictions). Both of those losses sent me into angry, despondent spirals for days. I was so frustrated that I had to make room in my budget for significant expenses (the bus ticket was $109!) that were totally preventably made me rage. It took a long time for me to forgive myself. I was miserable.
Last night I conceded to a pizza because they are so cheap and we basically get six $4 meals from one, and plus we hadn’t gotten one in over a month and mostly because I really wanted some bacon pizza.
And then my husband didn’t put the leftovers away (it was agreed that he would do it) and so not only did we not get to have left over pizza for breakfast this morning (a tragedy in and of itself) but we had to throw away $14 worth of pizza. I realized this right after I noticed that the goat’s milk I asked my husband to get expired the day be bought it, and was all chunky when I opened it just two days after that.
To say I was frustrated was an understatement.
He felt terrible and I reigned in my upset, but it’s hard when I’m counting every penny to just nonchalantly blow off the throwing away of $18 in pizza and milk. I just abstained from enjoying a meal with a friend to save that kind of money, and three days later we’re dumping it down the drain.
I’m not sure quite how to strike a healthy balance with this. I don’t want to be someone who lingers over losses she can’t recoup, and yet I want to be upset enough that I take the necessary steps to ensure it won’t be repeated.
Blerg. So much to learn with this money stuff. So many emotions wrapped up in it all.
How do you feel when you loss something or get a ticket or lose money in preventable way?