Of my many “areas of growth,” a lack of motivation has never really been one of them. I mean yes, in some areas (::cough:: cleaning my house ::cough::) it’s always been a problem, but generally in life? Not so much. Which is why right now I’m struggling so hard to navigate it.
I mentioned before that it’s normal and expected to be really burned out by mid-November. I recognize this feeling as fitting with this time of year. But the complete and utter lack of motivation feels new. I don’t want to do anything. And what’s more alarming is I don’t particularly care if it gets done. I really do not give any f**ks right now about any of it.
I’m not particularly worried yet. About depression I mean. Yes, this is one of the ways depression manifests for me (and millions of others), but this doesn’t feel like depression. I still can feel happiness, which falls along a healthy spectrum of emotions that are also available, but I just can’t bring myself to care about things in a way that motivates me to do them.
I’m chalking it up to exhaustion, and overwhelm. The election was causing a lot of anxiety and anxiety produces adrenaline and adrenaline gets you moving. Now the majority of that anxiety is gone, and combined with the unsatisfactory nature of teaching online, it’s hard to self-motivate.
Luckily, living with depression for a decade has taught me a thing or two about getting the bare minimum done when I’m finding it hard to get anything done. So that is what I’m doing. My house is a shit hole, and my kids are getting more screen time than I would like, but I’m getting through the days.
I’m hoping (the better word is probably expecting) my motivation to improve during and after the Thanksgiving break. But the reality is not a ton will have changed. We’ll still be stuck at home with our kids, who will be bored and frustrated and fighting. Nothing will get easier, except I’ll have fewer things to do every evening. Maybe that will be enough.
The good news is, right now I care very little about what I’m actually accomplishing with my students, so when I go to the staff meeting today and learn about how the electives schedule will be rendered unworkable once we enter Phase 3, I won’t be so mad about all the planning I’ve done that will go down the tubs (Phase 3 is when we bring all kids back to campus on staggered schedules, and they are pushing it up to December from January because they KNOW our numbers are going up and we probably won’t have the option after the new year so they want to get kids in BEFORE that happens – what a short sighed bunch of ass hats they are).
So yeah. That is where I am at. I have zero f*cks left to give but my life gives zero f*cks that I feel that way so I gotta keep on keeping on.
I was just reading about how SFUSD and PAUSD are trying to push forward with moving to in person and it makes absolutely zero sense. WHY. I’m so sorry it’s such a mess.
We’re not sending our kiddo back to in person school at all this school year in part because we have no idea how they can practically to handle more than Phase 2 (only inviting back the students most in need) given the numbers moving up so quickly.
REALLY!!!???! Numbers of covid cases in CA and in Bay Area are absolutely headed in the wrong direction. The Nov 7 events, (despite some people’s rejection of reality, science and math), will increase unfortunate current trend. SO THEY WANT TO BRING STUDENTS BACK FASTER>>>>>Kill more seniors and adults or at best just overwhelm medical staffing and hospital beds. REALLY???!
I would also be highly demotivated.
I think you are doing very well just keeping on keeping on.