I struggle, when I’m stuck in a negative cycle, circling endlessly around the same stresses, to come here and write about something else. I open my computer, identify all manner of positive things I could write about (because I can and do recognize them), but I can’t seem to construct coherent thoughts about them. I am so distracted by everything that is getting me down.
This is what makes me think that the people who portray their lives as all unicorn farts and fairy queefs on their blogs must have shit pretty good, or a fucking phenomenal attitude about the bad, because I just can’t show up and put on a happy face and write something cheery when I’m not feeling cheery at all.
I can’t do it.
Maybe it’s because I have to do it all day, making small talk and going through the motions with people at work, and then my husband at home. Maybe it’s because here is one of the very few places I can speak honestly about what feels hard in my life.
I know this space can feel overly negative. I hope people remember that I use this space as a kind of release valve, to equalize the pressure so I can keep laughing and chatting through the rest of my life. I do manage those social pleasantries, and quite enthusiastically I might add.
But under the niceties other feelings swirl. The stuff you can’t talk about while you wait for you copies. The stuff that you don’t mention on the way to the lunch room.
And here is where I come to talk about those things. So I’m sorry if this space starts to feel skewed in a particular (negative) direction. I’m sorry if I give the impression that I can’t find the good in my life.
I assure you I can. And I do.