Negative 

I struggle, when I’m stuck in a negative cycle, circling endlessly around the same stresses, to come here and write about something else. I open my computer, identify all manner of positive things I could write about (because I can and do recognize them), but I can’t seem to construct coherent thoughts about them. I am so distracted by everything that is getting me down. 

This is what makes me think that the people who portray their lives as all unicorn farts and fairy queefs on their blogs must have shit pretty good, or a fucking phenomenal attitude about the bad, because I just can’t show up and put on a happy face and write something cheery when I’m not feeling cheery at all. 

I can’t do it. 

Maybe it’s because I have to do it all day, making small talk and going through the motions with people at work, and then my husband at home. Maybe it’s because here is one of the very few places I can speak honestly about what feels hard in my life.

I know this space can feel overly negative. I hope people remember that I use this space as a kind of release valve, to equalize the pressure so I can keep laughing and chatting through the rest of my life. I do manage those social pleasantries, and quite enthusiastically I might add. 

But under the niceties other feelings swirl. The stuff you can’t talk about while you wait for you copies. The stuff that you don’t mention on the way to the lunch room. 

And here is where I come to talk about those things. So I’m sorry if this space starts to feel skewed in a particular (negative) direction. I’m sorry if I give the impression that I can’t find the good in my life. 

I assure you I can. And I do. 

12 Comments

  1. No need to apologize here? I think anyone who has read you, know me how you use this space. And that’s the beauty of it being your space, you can say whatever you feel and if people don’t want to hear it they don’t have to! I, for one, love reading anything you write. Feel better soon! 😘

  2. OH MY WORD! You validate my experience when I was your age. Hormonal hell. The world would be sepia colored… and then back in color due only to changes in my hormones. (Why I suggest talking to your ob/gyn ~ possible pre-menopausal reality and can continue for years). Steady state hormones helped enormously. Also, recognizing this was what was happening & making an absolute rule to ‘Not Act while in the sepia phase on ANY emotional response’.
    You are not ‘negative’ but a victim of hormonal hell. When you write from the terrible places, you also always acknowledge good things around you that are just milometers out of grasp. I am grateful I survived that time, and the horror of knowing I was cycling up but would be back down again no matter what I tried or did. That ‘crazy’ was waiting right around the corner and would catch me again was hard. Getting to steady state hormones saved me. The difference is immense…… and the problem isn’t talked about……. or at least wasn’t when I was your age.
    PS: Despite what men have said, this hormonal disruption is NOT a reason why women ought not to be in positions of true power. It IS a reason to support all women’s reproductive health care needs for ALL women as minimum insurance coverage.
    PRAISE and THANK YOU’S for sharing.

    1. Interesting. I’ve always been bothered by the blaming of everything on hormones, for that exact reason: gives men a reason to claim we aren’t fit, can’t be relied on, etc.

      1. I was bothered by that accusation too. That’s why I brought it up, that was a ‘normal reason’ why women could not have job or pay equality. But that is a falsehood.
        Through out that period in my life I had a super responsible, high pressure and demand job and dealt with ‘people with problems’ constantly. Yes, I had hormone caused emotionally difficulties that were hard in my personal (but not professional) world … AND good medical care and health insurance made a world of difference. Please support medical coverage and please vote.

      2. I agree, but I think there’s a difference in saying that hormones affect my mood/tone of thinking and saying that hormones control my behavior/make me do bad things. The latter is unacceptable, but the first one is often true. My hormones really get me down 4-5 days before my period, but I force myself to act normally, and I would never blame my hormones for, say, not doing enough at work or not being present with my kids (not even inside my head).

  3. First of all, I think it’s completely fine to write about negative stuff in your own blog. If somebody doesn’t want to read it, they can skip it.
    Second, your writing, the “negative” writing has definitely helped me. I’ve had difficulties with friendships and with feelings of rejection/ self-worth, and it really helps to know that I’m not the only adult who sometimes struggles with such issues (not to mean that you’d be in a constant struggle with these issues. Sorry, my english is terrible).
    Also I think you always write about everything with a lot of thought and self-reflection. Because of that your blog doesn’t come across as whiny or negative in my opinion, even if you deal with negative topics.

  4. “But under the niceties other feelings swirl. The stuff you can’t talk about while you wait for you copies. The stuff that you don’t mention on the way to the lunch room.” See, I was the gal waiting at the printer who would tell more than I should about the shit in my life, and all that got me was being known for being stressed and negative. I wish I’d been blogging then to do what you do – release it in writing and not be known as negative and high-strung at my work place.

    I think you’re very realistic, and I wouldn’t say negative.

  5. Don’t apologize. Your openness about your struggles has helped me feel less alone about my ambivalence towards a lot in my life that others would think of as blessings. And they are blessings. But I don’t always love them. You are doing a real service to your devoted following. Thanks!

  6. TBH, positive posts are often boring. Not yours specifically – anyone’s! Granted, I don’t like a litany of everything that has gone wrong, but add in some introspection and I’m a happy reader 🙂

  7. I second the comments of almost everyone here. If the writing helps you think things through, or simply get some things out that needed to get out, then that is great. And you can pretty much guarantee someone reading will get to feel, “at least I’m not alone.”

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