Neither Here Nor There

Some random thoughts on a Thursday.

~ Finally, after five straight days of stifling weather, it’s below 80 in my house again. In fact, the coconut oil solidified – it must be in the low to mid-70’s! For three days it was between 90 and 95 degrees IN OUR HOUSE, which is above the garage and tenant’s unit, so technically “upstairs.” We spent a lot of time in front of our two fans, and hanging out in our tiny entryway, which was WAY cooler. Oh, and taking cold showers (such a fan of those now). But today the temps finally dropped for real. I’m working out right now, and adoring the cool breeze. It’s been so long since I felt that tingle against my skin.

After that insane heat wave, I can’t wait for fall to officially arrive. Too bad September AND October are the Bay Area’s warmest months.

~ We decided we’re taking our kids to Disneyland over the long weekend in October. I’d rather go when it will be less crowded, but it’s too hard to miss three days of school, and I don’t want to take my daughter out for that long either. So we’re driving down on Sunday, hoping Monday at California Adventure isn’t too bad, and hitting up Disneyland on Tuesday. Then we drive back Wednesday. This is all for our son’s birthday, which is later in the month.

I took my daughter to Disneyland when she turned four but it was a much cheaper trip. Just she and I went and we stayed with a friend in LA on the way down so we only had to sleep two nights in motels. Now there are four of us that need tickets (god they cost so much!) and three nights in a motel since none of my LA friends can accommodate our whole family. I know we are so fortunate to be able to go, but the cost is still stressing me out. Hilariously, I really wanted to splurge on the Disneyland Hotel, but it turns out it costs almost as much to stay there for one night as four tickets to get into the parks, so the Holiday Inn it is. I’m disappointed, mostly because we stayed at that hotel when I was younger and I remember how awesome it was to this day; I’d love to give that to my kids. But alas, we don’t have the money and I know they will be so excited to go to the parks, so I’m focusing on that (and the fact that we can drive, which saves us a ton). How do families that have to fly afford to do this kind of stuff?

~ Speaking of money, I am realizing that I have a renewed desire to change my relationship with the green stuff and am trying hard to capitalize (ha!) on the momentum. I was thinking the other day how miserable I was during the years when my life was taken over by compulsive eating, how dark and long that tunneled seemed and how desperate I was to get out. And now I am and life is SO MUCH BETTER. If I could similarly redefine my relationship with money I’d be a much happier person, I know this. I’m hoping this time I may be in the right mindset to make real changes, because I’m no longer trying to spend less or adhere to a set of (basically) arbitrary rules, but instead want to commit myself to forever altering the way I interact with money. We shall see how it goes.

~ There are four people in my social orbit how are expecting their second children, and in interacting with them, I’m realizing I still have complicated feelings about pregnancy. The weirdest thing? Most of it doesn’t have all that much to do with my own experience. Pregnancy still makes me, more than anything else, extremely anxious. I’m always worried the worst will happen. I believe this is due to spending the first six years of my life watching my parents lose a child and then suffer three still births. I don’t think any of it was spoken of much, but I had to know it was happening and it all left an indelible mark on my psyche, one that defined my own pregnancies and defines the way I feel about other people’s as well. Of course I never say anything to anybody about my fears – I’m not that damaged – but my anxiety, along with my history surrounding pregnancy, just makes me feel like a real weirdo when it comes to people expecting. Mostly I just want them to be done with the pregnancy part, and fast, and I know that’s not how I should feel. Blerg. I guess I was hoping my ambivalence surrounding the topic would fade as I got farther away from my own family building experience, but no, it’s still going strong. So frustrating.

~ Speaking of pregnancy’s lingering effects, I saw the pelvic pain specialist for the first time in a couple of years, and evidently if a treatment of topical estrogen and steroids doesn’t heal the skin that STILL tears open (after SEVEN YEARS) every time I do you know what, I’ll be getting surgery over the winter break. How cutting the scarred tissue out and sewing what’s left together will resolve existing scar tissue that won’t fully heal I don’t yet understand (and she seems very reluctant to do it, so maybe it has a high probability of not working). I’m sure I can decline the surgery, and might, but if this doesn’t work, it will suck to know that I’ll create an open wound every time I enjoy intercourse. I declined the surgery to correct my prolapse because it doesn’t bother me much on a daily basis, and is only a big problem when I’m having my period and want to swim (because I can’t wear a tampon), which has only really happened once since my son was born (this summer in San Diego). Also, it only has a 70% chance of working, and then a 50% chance of returning to its original state even if it does work. Those seem like shit odds for having a surgery. If the chances of a surgery actually correcting my scar tissue are that abysmal, I’ll decline it too.

I write about this stuff because I think it’s important for people to know that pregnancy and vaginal births can have long-term negative effects. There is such a culture of silence around these possibilities, and pregnancy and vaginal birth are so thoroughly revered in our society, people can be totally blind sided by prolonged issues, especially when doctors admit they are totally normal, and even common! So here I am, the voice of uterine prolapse and unresolved scar tissue. Shit sucks and I’m still dealing with it, seven years later.