So, you all convinced me not to pursue the alternative medicine route with my daughter. I guess I’ll have to figure out how to navigate this ncertain journey on my own.
I did, however, reach out to a therapist a colleague at work recommended. The therapist I’ve been working with since before I embarked on TTC has moved offices and now there is a bridge between me and where she meets. I do not abide bridges–actually it’s the traffic before/on/after them that I take issue with–so I have been thinking about findindg someone else. And I have. And I called her. And I have an appointment for next Tuesday.
Mostly I want to work on some issuse in my marriage that continues coming up over and over again. I keep broaching them in the same ways and then getting frustrated when my efforts yield the same results. Meanwhile, every time I air a greivance and nothings changes, my resentment grows. It’s hard not to fall into the, “if he really loved me, or even cared, he would DO something about this already,” mindset, which I know is ultimately unproductive (and not at all an accurate interpretation of what is truly happening). Still, I perpetuate the thought-cycle and the resentment becomes more entrenched and I clearly need an unbiased third party to help me either change the way I think about these things or show me how to handle them productively–probably both.
Ultimately I would love to go to therapy with my husband, but he would NOT love that and at this point I recognize that many of these issues are my own to deal with for a little while. If , after some hard work on this stuff, I’m still struggling with the realities of our marriage, I will ask my husband to join me in therapy. I know he would come if I asked him to, but I also know that he’d rather not.
On the one hand, I’m eager to work on these issues because honestly, I am TIRED of them. They are boring and mundane. I want to let them go, but I can’t, which is FRUSTRATING. Many of them are subsets of common themes that wreak havoc on my happiness and general sense of well being. If I could really get to the heart of these destructive thought cycles and dessimate them once and for all, I could be a more joyful person who feels more fulfilled.
I’d also love to talk about work woes and my unmet career aspirations and that general sense of heaviness that descends when I think about my job.
So there is a lot to talk about, and I feel I can be focused enough to really put the time and money to good use (though I’m not quite sure where the money is going to come from, that must be determined this weekend, and it if I can’t come up with it I might be shit out of luck). At the same time, I’m so done working on myself, being stuck in a perpetual cycle of self-improvement. Most of the time I just want to watch British police dramas and forget the rest of my life is even happening. The fact that my husband never has to work on his shit causes a fair amount of resentment in and of itself. I wish I were the type of person that could just accept who I am, flaws and all. I also wish I had way less flaws. That would also make things easier.
So there is that. No naturopath but hopefully a therapist. And hopefully and end to destrucive thought processes that killing my chances at happiness. Oh, and hopefully being able to afford it.