Today my husband and I went to a tailgate in Berkeley before the Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford).
We met at this tailgate 16 years ago. If it weren’t for this group of people, meeting before football games season after season, I wouldn’t be living this life.
I was thinking before we left, that 26 year old me, the one who went with her friend to these tailgates because she didn’t have anything better to do, would be really happy to see where I am now. So happy and so, so relieved.
I wish I could tell her that it was going to be okay. Better than okay. But I can’t. But I can imagine how great it would be.
And that’s pretty cool, that I can take a nostalgia trip, but recognize that I’m happier now than I was then.
Love Cal. Love Berkeley. Glad you had lovely day.
That is a really cool thing to recognize!
It’s funny about the “happier now” thing. Those are words I’ve uttered so often lately, and each and everytime I feel guilty about it. I feel like I “should” be feeling worse, utterly devastated that my husband died. And, don’t get me wrong, I miss him, I love him.
But, (and it’s a big but) I never realized until the “after” how difficult our relationship was. How exhausting. I have a boyfriend now who 99% of the time is easy. We have our issues for sure, but we also communicate so much that we’re working on them, and after only a handful of months are already talking about living together, and eventually getting married. The rest of the time it’s just….easy.
And, it’s been on my mind a lot because it was this holiday, this gathering that finally got my late husband to see a doctor. This year I’ll be taking the boyfriend and his two kids. For the first time in my adult life I’ll have a family, and that fills me with rainbows and unicorns! The me from a year or 10 ago would never have seen this coming. That girl didn’t know what happy was. The me now, embraces every single second, every hug, and every conversation. And, he’s the same because…we’ve both been through some shit. Funny how life works out.