Hey all. I feel pretty shit for not showing up here much these past couple of weeks. It’s not the blogger I want to be.
But I’m struggling. I’m struggling and my husband is struggling and it’s a lot. The weight of it is hard to carry. I’m exhausted by the end of each day.
And I feel… disingenuous coming here to say that because really nothing is wrong. We’re doing FINE, just like we have been this whole time. We are maybe the least negatively affected couple in all of the pandemic. Well, at least within the pool of couples with kids.
Really and truly we are fine. Everything is fine. And I’m not sure why it doesn’t feel fine. I’m not sure where this weight comes from. What it is exactly. I just know that it makes it hard for me to think, to get things done, to sit down and write.
Lately I lay in bed and day dream about not going to work. I think about how nice it would be to NOT go to work the next day. But then I remember that I’d still have to deal with the kids in the morning. And my husband would be home, sulking in front of his own computer. And what would I even do exactly? And then the school day would be over before I knew it and the kids would come and I’d have the same afternoon and evening we always have, and then I’d go to bed. Is that scenario really worth writing sub plans and taking a day? It never seems like it would be.
I’ve been going to bed early lately. And I’m happy to do it. Used to be I felt a little frustrated when I had to go to bed early; I hated giving up my kid-free time on sleep. But lately sleep seems like as good a way as any to pass the time. Being awake, even kid free, has lost its luster.
I don’t even know what I would change, if I could. I don’t even know what would make it better. I don’t really miss martial arts, even though it’s been over a month since I’ve stepped foot in the dojo. Even seeing my friends feels like so much work.
It’s not all like this. Not every minute. Sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time, it’s fine. When I’m teaching. When I’m with my own kids. Many of those moments feel normal. But when I’m alone, when I need to motivate to get shit done. There is just nothing left.
So yeah. It’s been hard to show up here when this is all I can think to write. Not showing up is not who I want to be, but writing this shit is not who I want to be either.
You recognize my dilemma…
First off, sometimes things aren’t “fine” and that’s just the way life goes! Exhaustion happens, maybe from coming up on 2 years of a pandemic, maybe it’s been overcast and you’re low on Vitamin D and have a little SAD, maybe your period is about to come and your hormone are fluctuating and messing with your emotions… maybe it’s something entirely different. I’m learning that sometimes it’s okay to sit with the feelings… and sometimes it’s better to take a long walk on a sunny afternoon and see if you can shake off the doldrums.
My husband and I have done pretty dang well during the pandemic. Busy as all get out, both of us, but we’ve been on the same page for the most part about our feelings about everything, and that has helped a lot. Maybe some of your struggles and resentment towards your husband right now have to do with your feelings evolving at a different pace that your husband’s when it comes to COVID things?
Just spit balling ideas here, but you’re not alone! I’ve been sleeping a crazy amount and feeling blah even though I’m working out daily and feel like I “should” be in a good place right now.
Here’s to hoping things shift around differently in our brains soon so we start feeling more joy than frustration again!
JJ was so very polite.
Things simply are not normal at all for anyone.
AND, your husband is in city government. You teach. You have 2 children in SF public schools where it is currently normative to have 1/3 the school (staff&students) out with covid. Long covid is still real even for those fully vaxxed and boosted.
While medical people are saying the Bay Area’s over the top with the first Omicron wave there is a whole lot of decrease in case numbers to go before the situation is improved and hospital admissions are currently still increasing AND Omicron’s little sibling is clearly coming. I know. Medical people say it isn’t really worse, they hope, than the Omicron we have been living with BUT THEY REALLY DON’T KNOW THAT YET. And having First Omicron seems to not be prevention against Omicron The Second.
NOPE!!!! NOTHING IS NORMAL FOR ANYONE.
And then we have the national situation with political stuff going on and the right to vote under attack, a woman’s right to manage her own health with medical care under attack, and now a Supreme CourtJustice planning to retire and the party opposing the current president saying they will prevent the appointment of a new justice after doing so days before the election under the president of their party, and….
And then there is the international situation of which I need say no more.
SO the only normal and rational thing is to be shut down when not required to teach (Is it true you have to pay for having a substitute for whom you must do full lesson plans??!!) or when spending time with your children. (They too are stressed, your kids are smart. They know about covid, they are stressed.)
Billions of thank yous for showing up long enough to say you 4 are not sick at this time. More thanks for sharing the normal-ness of exhaustion and stress and fatigue of keeping on keeping on. And more again because you ARE holding on and reminding me of that: Since you are doing it, I can too can hold on and hang in.
Thank you all for courage and endurance and perseverance and HOPE.
We persist.
Keep voting and keep ensuring your registration to vote is not cancelled.
Be good to you. Take care of you. (all of you who read and/or respond here.)
Right there with you. I think it’s mostly pandemic fatigue, for me. I’m exhausted and want to cry, even though nothing is really wrong/different. It doesn’t feel like depression – at least not in the way I’ve experienced it previously – but life just feels untenable like this for the long haul. I saw a meme recently that said “A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.” That really resonated with me. I know things need to change but can’t articulate what changes exactly would make things better (as by trying to solve any one problem I realize I’d likely create another). Just trying to hang on until camping season comes back around – camping every other weekend March-October definitely helps life feel more balanced for me.
Even though this has become our norm, all this isn’t actually normal and hasn’t been for now about to go on to a third year of Not Normal.
We’re all deeply exhausted. Except maybe the people who pretend this isn’t happening We may not be deathly ill or had to quarantine, we may be physically well, but we’ve all been held neck deep in a global pandemic with massive social inequity in how people are affected and the political landscape is migraine inducing. I feel like a hostage half or more of the time.
Things have sucked for a long time. It makes sense that you’re feeling it without anything acute going on. This is a chronic issue. I wouldn’t trust anyone who acts like they’re blithely skating through life right now. Maybe they are but that would tell me something about them and it wouldn’t be positive.
This post was the mirror image of my feelings and life. You put down in words everything I feel. I sit here and think what is wrong with me? We are so lucky so far thru this pandemic and world crisis, yet I feel exhausted and just depressed with no motivation. I too dream of having a day off from work, but everything you said about it is so true!! I broke down crying at a stoplight yesterday and don’t even know why! And Purple and Rose you had it right…all this national and political stuff is draining me too. Thank you everyone who commented. It helped makes me feel better to know you are all going thru it too and I am not losing my mind
Exactly this, this post is a mirror of what I’m feeling. Stay strong everyone ❤️
We say it is pandemic fatigue. For many of us it is on top of the 4 yrs of ‘that one’ who ended with a riot to prevent respecting voter’s. And that was on top of the year of pre-2016 election campaigns where some of us were worried about women’s rights, voting rights of all Americans and equality of human beings. So for many it has been 7 years of VERY increased stress.
We need to persist but also to show ourselves grace and kindness.
It has been a long difficult time.
noemikjames: Thank you for truth telling that it is hard but know and remember: you are being terrific at blogging and sharing support.
Thank you to all who added voices in telling our blogger the truth.
omg, yes! Everything is more fraught and stressful and there is less room for fun. But we are definitely ‘lucky’ compared to others.
One challenge I’m having is that I feel like I’m playing the violin while the Titanic is sinking. Is teaching intro bio to college students really essential with 10% of the students in class getting covid every week? What are we doing pretending everything is OK?