On returning to the mat

We just started our Spring Break. I feel like we’re the last ones in the country taking it, and yet it still feels kind of early. When you end in mid-June, having your last break be in early April means a long final stretch of the school year.

I have to admit, I was not counting down the days until Spring Break like most of my colleagues were. That’s probably because my break will not be very restful. While I am looking forward to all our time in the desert, getting packed and then unpacked will be a lot. It’s just not going to be a very relaxing time.

I also have a ton of work to do. And, I have to prepare for my martial arts test.

Yes, you read that right. As of right now, I am planning on taking my belt test on April 20th.

I actually went back to the dojo a couple weeks ago, just to see how it felt. And it was nerve wracking. I learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t. It’s not kicking with my injured leg that is hard, what’s hard is when my injured leg is on the ground while I kick with the other leg. Twice I felt a little wobble in my knee and twice I stopped for that day. Neither time felt like a re-injury, not in the moment or afterward. I think moments where I experience a small wobble in my knee will be common moving forward. It’s going to take a long time for my ACL to stop feeling “loose” at times. Maybe that will never stop happening, or won’t for years.

I’ve been doing a ton of rehab on my knee and it, for the most part, feels strong. I do wall sits for two minutes twice a day and I do heel raises while I wall sit for about half of that time. When I pull my heel up just a fraction of an inch all the muscles around my knee engage. If I pull my heel up just slightly, or even just make like I’m going to pull my heel up, I can pivot gently on my leg with no issues. And this is how I think I’ll be able to take my test in two weeks.

And when I say “take my test” what I mean is participate in a version of my test that does not include take downs or sparring of any kind. At this point I can get through my forms and one steps because I know exactly what is coming and I know how to prepare my body to move in the safest possible way. I would not feel confident in my ability to move in ways that keep my knee safe if other people were involved even in the scripted movements of our take downs, and especially not in the unscripted movements of sparring. If I cannot abstain from those portions of the test, I will not participate.

I haven’t mentioned returning to martial arts because I know people will have FEELINGS and THOUGHTS and especially OPINIONS about it, and I have not been feeling up to managing everyone else’s thoughts and feelings about it, because I wanted to figure out my own. I did see my doctor on Thursday and she showed me the MRI images of my knee. I couldn’t really see the ACL sprain/partial tear or the fracture, but the crack in my cartilage was shocking and holy shit was the cyst huge. (And yet, when she went looking for the cyst with the sonogram machine she couldn’t find it. So maybe it’s gone down a lot? But it still painful for me to bend my knee all the way, and getting the cyst drained was supposed to help with that so it was disappointing that she couldn’t see it. I guess regaining flexion in my knee is going to be a long process, and I’m starting to do the very uncomfortable work of rehabing my knee in that way.)

My doctor did say I could return to the mat in a limited capacity. I did not mention that I returned before she gave me that okay. The reality is she is going to err on the side of caution always, because she is my doctor and even if liability were not an issue, she will never tell me I can do something that has the possibility of resulting in re-injury. And if it weren’t for this test, that I was already preparing for since early December, and that everyone in my cohort will be attending, I would stay off the mat for as long as she suggests, just like I’m still not running even though I miss it so much. But I have to consider my entire well being when I make my choices, and I think that if I keep doing the hard work of strengthening the muscles around my knee, and if I wear my brace at all times on the mat, and move in ways I’ve learned are safest, than I think I can participate in my test.

Is there a chance I’ll re-injure myself? Yes. But that chance exists every time I walk down my stairs or around my classroom or get out of my car (holy shit is that seemingly innocuous maneuver a minefield). That is why I wear my brace almost all the time, even though it’s a giant bummer to do so, especially six weeks later when my knee feels so much better.

Preparing for a test at this belt level is always hard, but it’s felt super overwhelming to jump back in after so many weeks off the mat. There is so much to know, and while I was on track to feel confident in most of the material back in February, taking four weeks off has left me feeling very behind. But that’s okay. When I’m on the mat, practicing my forms and one steps I have moments of feeling so happy. I really am getting to a place in my training where the stuff I thought would always feel awkward and hard are starting to feel natural. The thought of just walking away from all that now, and falling behind everyone else I’ve been working with, when there is a good chance I can test without issue, it’s just not something I’ve been able to embrace.

I totally understand if you think what I’m doing is a mistake. And if you feel compelled to communicate that to me, have at it. I’m writing this now because I feel confident in my choice. I know my body and what I’m capable of, on and off the mat. I also know that nothing is guaranteed. All I can do is be careful, listen to my body, and keep training when that feels possible. I believe my fear of re-injury is high enough to keep me from making irresponsible choices. And I think that will continue to be the case.

In the meantime, I’ll be out in the desert for a couple days. I’ll send some photos when I can.