I know there are those who are not interested in reading about everyday life right now, when the world is on fire. I recognize my incredible privilege in being able to focus on my day to day existence without fear of the police or other authorities, without fear of losing my job or house, or food security. I am going to continue writing here about my life, trusting that those who do not want to engage in my white, upper middle class, white privilege will step away when they want to.
My daughter turned 10 yesterday. It was a long weekend, full of complicated emotions, but she did feel celebrated by family and friends. I feel very lucky that we are part of a community of women that showed up for her. I tried hard to make showing up something that even those who are most concerned about the virus would feel comfortable doing, and I think that helped.
My husband and I are working through some hard things as a couple right now. We feel differently about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate during this time of tentatively opening up. I respect his feelings and always run my plans by him, and change them when necessary. Where I struggle is in his inability (or unwillingness) to recognize that his mindset relies heavily on his privilege as a man who has a separate space in his own home to work uninterrupted, and a wife who cares for his children so that his time there remains uninterrupted. I think he takes for granted the reality of what must happen so that he can come upstairs to two children who have received the attention, care, and outside time required to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy. I think he also doesn’t recognize that what he needs to manage this time (as an introvert who doesn’t crave human interaction most days), is different from what others need (including his extroverted wife and daughter). I understand his feelings are also based on a complicated set of circumstances, and I want very much to support him, but I feel like my efforts, and their positive consequences, are taken for granted. It’s easy to judge the “choices” of others when your own “choices” are steeped in privilege (says the woman with extraordinary privilege).
Right now I’m in a nearby park, at the site of a popular summer camp, hanging out while my kids play with three close friends. Since I have more flexibility in when I actually get work done during this last week of school, I’m providing supervised outside time to the kids of some friends who feel comfortable with their kids being near other kids in an outside space (not surprisingly, these women all are essential workers – and single moms – who would have their kids in city-run essential child care programs right now if they weren’t out with us). I feel I’m providing a real opportunity for these kids to learn how to pass the time outside, without toys or screens. They have to work things out among themselves and learn how to amuse themselves with (very) limited adult intervention. We get to be in this spot for one more week, then the city’s Rec and Park program will be here and two of the girls are starting at another Rec and Park program so we will be figuring something else out. For now it works and I think the time outside with others is worth the risk.
These are hard times and I’m just trying to keep my head above water, without making choices that I will totally regret in the future. And honestly, right now my kids’ mental and emotional health feels more at risk being stuck at home all summer than their physical health is at risk by being outside with others. I may be wrong and I might have to face those consequences. Only time will tell. But without any hope for a safer tomorrow (at least not in the next year or longer), I’m figuring out what risks I’m willing to take today. I suppose we all are. Right now we are following all the guidelines that the city has put in place for summer camp programs, which will be opening on June 15th (groups of 12 or less, same group over an extended period (at least three weeks), meeting outside). I feel confident that we aren’t putting anyone at risk who isn’t making the same choices that we are making. Weighing the rewards while attempting to mitigate the risks is the name of the game right now – and it will continue to be for the foreseeable future. This is the new normal.
I would like to congratulate you on offering not only your children but other family’s children a chance to be together outside, supervised but not hovered over. What a huge gift.
I am also delighted you found a supportive way for your daughter’s birthday to be celebrated and supported in these times with distance and worries.
But I am particularly impressed by the awareness and clearness you are bringing not only to your children’s needs and social beings, but also to you husband’s nature as well as his privilege & blindness. It is so hard it for two people to communicate; to listen, hear and be heard, and compromise. You write about how you are different without saying he is flat wrong instead saying that you both bring different attitudes and personalities and needs to a situation you are both seeing from different perspectives. I hope this helps both of you move to agreements ~ not capitulations but a common place of understanding.
Thinking of you daily and hoping you have a summer that refreshes you. Much respect for all your growth over the years … it isn’t easy.
I second your comment above. :-). Also thank you for your thoughtful comment on my blog earlier today. Your family is lucky to have you.
I know I was dreading having a long, depressing winter in lockdown (which hasn’t eventuated here, luckily). But in many ways it must also be worse, dealing with dealing with a pandemic during what should be a carefree summer vacation period too. I’m glad you’re dealing with it thoughtfully.
And NO WAY your daughter is 10 already?! lol Glad she had a nice day and felt supported and loved.