Life

Oops! Almost missed a day!

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I can’t believe I’ve posted for 22 days in a row. I’m going to be pretty peeved if I accidentally forget to post in November. Like I almost did today.

(I guess I did actually miss 11/19 because I posted twice on 11/18 – once at 11:30pm – instead of scheduling the post for 11/19, but I’m going to count it since two posts happened in that 48 hour period.)

It’s Tuesday of the break. I’ve gotten some good stuff done. I ran on Saturday and it was BEAUTIFUL. The weather has been “unseasonably” warm and I’m here for it. (I’m using quotes there because it feels like it should be a lot cooler, but we always have a final stretch of mid-60s days in November so I don’t know if one can say it’s actually unseasonable). I did end up running earlier on Saturday and that was absolutely the right move. I felt so good – like I could have run forever. I probably would have tacked on a couple miles but I didn’t want to be away from home for so long.

On Sunday the kids and I walked to get shaved ice and then hit up a playground nearby. We spent so many hours at playgrounds during the second half of distance learning, but we haven’t been much since the kids started in person this fall. It brought back memories to be in a park again.

Sunday night we watched Shang Chi and the 10 Rings. My kids had already seen it, and they struggled not to spoil certain parts, but I still really enjoyed it. I’m looking forward to watching it again with my parents later this week.

I got my allergy shot on Monday morning, after which I braved Costco, which actually wasn’t that bad. I also hit up Target and finished my “Elf on the Shelf” shopping (our elf leaves little advent calendar like things for the kids and I needed some chapsticks and mini finger nail polishes for my daughter).

Monday afternoon my son went to his friend’s house to play in the backyard before the parents took them both to martial arts. My daughter went to her friend’s house for a couple hours at the same time, so I used the kid-free time to practice my martial arts form, which I can now complete! I’m SO RELIEVED to know my form. I feel MUCH better about being properly prepared for the test now. I just need to review my own steps and I’ll be golden (well as golden as I can be).

After learning my form, I picked up my daughter and her friend and we went to Michael’s to pick out some holiday crafts, before eating dinner at In-n-Out. It was nice to spend time with them, without having to manage my son as well.

Today has been… a marathon. The kids and I walked to get the CSA box right after breakfast. Then my daughter’s friend came over and all three of them played video games together. They decorated giant ginger men from Costco while I made them lunch, then my in-laws picked up my son so my daughter and her friend could have some time alone. But my son’s friend’s mom texted asking if we were around, so I asked my in-laws to bring my son home early and invited his friend for an evening play date.

Right now my daughter and her friend are upstairs (windows open, masks on and air purifier running) finishing In the Heights while my son and his friend play in the garage (garage door open, masks on, air purifier on). This is the first time we’ve even had a friend inside our house, and it’s a taste of what life will be like so soon!

I can’t wait for my kids to be fully vaccinated. My daughter wants to have a spend the night on Saturday, 12/18, when she is exactly two weeks out from her second shot. I think I’m going to have to oblige her. Her friends have been having sleep overs this fall, but she doesn’t know about that. My husband hates the “dishonestly” (her friends specifically do not mention the sleep overs in her presence) but I think it’s better for her to just not know about it. But maybe I just think that because I don’t want to be the “mean mom” who has stricter rules than her friends’ moms. We’re already those parents in so many ways (screen time, social media, video games), I don’t want her know that she has been missing out for the last four months. She has been perfectly happy going to school and seeing friends a few times in the ways we allow, but I know she’d be really sad to learn they were spending a lot of time together without her.

Tomorrow we’re spending the day with my in-laws. We usually “do Thanksgiving” with them after the actual day, but since we’re visiting my parents (who were just traveling) on Thanksgiving, we’re seeing my in-laws before this year. We don’t do a real Thanksgiving meal with them, but they make chiliquiles for me in the morning, which is my favorite.

I struggle spending an entire day over there, so I asked my husband if I can go on a run before we leave and he said it was fine. I used to live near that part of the city and I ran in Golden Gate Park a lot (they live right next to the park), so I’m excited to pass by landmarks I used to know so well. I appreciate my husband’s willingness to give me that time too.

So far I’ve crossed a lot of things off my list. I’ve made it through June of the photos from my phone for the calendar – it’s slow going because we got the bearded dragon in March and there are A LOT of pictures of that bearded dragon in there. I have NOT done any work yet, or cleaned up my house much, but the tree, and most other Christmas decorations are up. Hopefully I’ll get some work done at my parents’ house and maybe the house will have to wait… We shall see.

Marriage

When you can’t really help

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

My husband and I talked briefly yesterday about some things, and now I better understand where the sadness and sulkiness is coming from. It’s not that he’s upset he has to be with the kids when I’m away, it’s that he’s bummed out he doesn’t have any reasons to be away himself. He’s lonely and craving meaningful connection and he doesn’t have anywhere to get it.

I know how much that sucks. I used to be the one stuck at home while my husband spent multiple nights a week away working on his podcast or seeing live music with friends. He had fulfilling side projects and other adults to share meaningful experiences with. I had neither. I didn’t have any friends and I didn’t really have any interests I wanted to pursue and honestly if it weren’t for blogging I don’t know how I would have gotten through it. My husband doesn’t even have blogging. So yes, he gets annoyed when he has to step up while I’m away, but mostly he’s frustrated that he doesn’t have any reasons to step away himself. So yes, I can give him time to recharge, but he won’t be getting what he really needs during that time, because he’ll still be lonely and at home.

It sucks, and I wish I could make it better but I can’t. He couldn’t make it better for me back when our situations were reversed, and now I know how hard that is.

There are a lot of reasons he doesn’t have the outlets he needs to be happy. His best friend recently had a baby, and while he’s doing more socially than most people with a six month old (especially during a pandemic!), he doesn’t have a lot of time for my husband. The podcast ended long before the pandemic, but his participation in the non-profit he founded ended right before, and he’s still getting used to that being gone. He doesn’t feel he can see live music, or be out socially in most situations, until our kids are fully vaccinated, so hopefully he’ll start doing those things after the holidays. But many of his friends have moved away, and it will probably take a while for those outings to happen in the ways he wants them too. I even think he’s missing more about his past work life than he realizes, and being back in the office two times a week is not really providing the connection he’s used to for a number of reasons that probably won’t resolve any time soon.

It sucks to know I can’t help my husband be happier right now, but I’m so glad I better understand where he is coming from. Yes, he may be frustrated that I’m gone a lot preparing for my martial arts test, but really he’s upset that he doesn’t have a reason to leave the house himself. I’m especially glad I know what’s really wrong because now I’ll know why he isn’t appreciably better when I come back to the city on Saturday – because just getting a break from all of us is only a small part of what he needs. Unless he gets to see someone else on Friday night (highly unlikely), he’s still going to be super lonely. Maybe even more so with all of us gone (probably not though – he really does need a break from all of us).

I really hope he gets some relief soon. It’s hard to be where he is. It’s hard not to be able to help too.

Life

On the docket for today

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

(I forgot to mention yesterday that I made it to the TGIF on Friday! The soccer practice was moved to the school, and I decided my son would be fine attending without any of his stuff (his soccer cleats or uniform) and I went to the TGIF instead of bringing him his things. Then I asked a friend’s mom to bring him home. I’m so glad it worked out so I could do that. Thank you for everyone who reminded me that asking a friend’s mom twice in a row is a reasonable request.)

On the docket for today…

Video games. My husband and son are playing now. (And I just want to clarify that I think “needing help” during video game time is ridiculous, and I’ve expressed this sentiment many times. I think if my husband wants to help our son when he plays video games that is on him and resolves me of consenting to the “husband getting up with kids instead of me” situation. I am NOT going to help any kids with video games, so if the parent getting up on weekend mornings has to do that, it will not be me. My husband was up with our son at 8am but I did not come up until after 9am. Yes please and thank you.

Reading. We got a ton of awesome books from the library today. We’ll definitely take some time to snuggle up and read them. I love the library! I’m so glad it’s open again.

Decorating the tree. I got the lights up last night, but told my son we needed to wait for his sister to come home to put up the ornaments. She got to spend an extra night at her grandparents’ house (my ILs) and should be home around lunch.

Walk to snow cone spot. An awesome snow cone spot is open again not far from our house. It’s far enough away that walking there is an “event.” And it’s only open Friday – Sunday, so there is reason to get out and do it today. My kids need to get out of the house at least once or a weekend day starts to drag…

Watch a movie. We usually end Sundays with a movie. I’m not sure what we’ll watch today. I think there is a new kids movie on Netflix…

Run (or work out). It’s a beautiful day outside (cold, but sunny). If I’m feeling okay at lunch I’ll assume I can run. I didn’t feel sick after either of my Pfizer shots, but anecdotally I knew more people who felt sick after Moderna so I am wondering if I’ll feel sick today. I should probably get the run in sooner rather than later actually… If I don’t make it out for a run I’ll work out with a video.

Laundry. I didn’t do any laundry yesterday because my husband was in a zoom meeting in the morning when I would have done it and our washing machine and dryer are CRAZY loud in our bedroom / unit. Now I’m way behind on laundry, but I don’t need to stress because I’ll be home tomorrow morning too! Woot!

What’s on your docket today?

Home

This happened

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

My daughter was at her grandparents. My son was in the bath. My husband was in a meeting. So I went to the shed to get a box of Christmas decorations and then this happened.

It just happened. šŸ˜‰

But Iā€™m realizing itā€™s probably a good thing Iā€™m putting it up now because weā€™re trying to see the kidsā€™ friends on Monday and Tuesday and weā€™re doing Thanksgiving with my in-laws on Wednesday so itā€™s probably better for us to get the tree done this weekend.

Right now Iā€™m getting my booster shot. I chose to get a Moderna booster after the Pfizer series. So far Iā€™m the only person I know who mixed and matched.

My new card is so nice. My old one was a mess. The names were in the wrong slots and they wrote the name I go by, not my legal first name. They wouldnā€™t change it when I (immediately) asked. But now I have a shiny new card written by someone who has handwriting like a font. Iā€™m quite pleased. I hope it doesnā€™t mess up my records onlineā€¦ we shall see.

Happy Saturday!

Life/Parenting & Family

Thanksgiving Break: What I’m looking forward to (and what I’m not)

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

It’s Friday! Which means that by 3:05pm today I will officially be on Thanksgiving Break!

Things I’m looking forward to

Putting up our tree. I LOVE decorating for Christmas, and since we’re spending the weekend after Thanksgiving with my parents, I’ll be putting up our tree on Monday and Tuesday. I can’t wait to do it. I’m ready for the holidays and our tree will put me in the spirit.

Not working. I am so looking forward to NOT getting up at 6am and NOT driving to work and NOT talking in a mask all day. So, so looking forward to all of that.

Running. I’ve been struggling to run with the shorter days, and I’m looking forward to taking at least one, hopefully two nice long runs in the sun. I hope the weather complies.

Stuffing. I like the food at Thanksgiving, but I truly LOVE stuffing. I don’t really eat it any other time of year, mostly so I have something to look forward to on Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to stuff my face full of it. It’s by far my favorite holiday fare.

Staying at my parents’ house. I love my parents’ house. It’s big and beautiful and feels like home. My mom does it up for the holidays and it feels so cozy. I go down there sometimes but I’m usually just dropping off my kids. It will be nice to spend a couple nights down there with them, especially since we didnā€™t get to go inside last year at Christmas. Also, my kids are SO EXCITED that I’m staying with them for two of the three nights.

Date night. And that third night I will be back in the city with my husband who will have had two blissful days alone to recoup. I’m really hoping we have a nice time, since he’s getting those days to recharge before hand.

Getting my booster shot. I don’t really understand why we’re all getting booster shots when so much of the world has gotten no shots, but I guess it’s what I’m supposed to do so I’m doing it. I spent most of Thursday night trying to find an appointment before Thanksgiving and was super pleased when I found one on Saturday, where I can get Moderna (I got Pfizer the first times). It was much harder than I thought to find an appointment, and I was feeling stupid for waiting until everyone in California was eligible (I’ve been eligible as a teacher for a couple months), but I made it happen and I’m happy. Itā€™s nice to cross it off my to-do list.

Things I’m NOT looking forward to

8am soccer game on Saturday. The very first morning of the break I have to be up at 7am with my son to get ready for a soccer game. Blerg. Iā€™m so ready for soccer season to be over. This may be the last game? I have no idea. At least itā€™s the first morning so we can get it over with.

Making the calendars. It’s that time of year again, when I have to move thousands of photos off my phone and figure out where to put them, then go through them to find the ones we’ll use for the calendar. I’m actually up late doing this now (the transferring of the pictures), because my (128G!) phone is almost out of space and I’ve been DREADING doing this and I thought if I just did it already I would feel better. I’ll let you know if that is the case (I feel kind of better but also really tired because I was up until 12:30 getting it done). I do love having the calendar at the end of the year, and they honestly serve as photo books because it’s the only place the kids can look at printed photos, but they are a pain to make and I’m not looking forward to the late nights required to get them done (I say ā€œthemā€ because I make my in-laws a separate calendar with photos of our kids and my husband’s sister’s kids so there are two calendars to create every year. Yay. ::insert sarcasm font::

Managing other stuff. There is some boring shit I gotta get done this week. None of it is especially difficult, but it will be tedious and I don’t want to do it, but I gotta do it, and I’ll feel better once it gets done. Yay. ::more sarcasm font::

Work. I may not have to get up early and go to work, but I do have to do some work and I’m not super enthused about that. But if I do some work while I’m on vacation then my life will be easier when I’m back at work, so I guess I’m paying it forward. I hope my future self appreciates my efforts. (I know she will.)

Martial arts test prep. I don’t really mind practicing martial arts, but I’m so stressed about this test that I know test prep won’t be pleasant. I donā€™t know, maybe if I get to a place where I feel confident doing the form Iā€™ll feel better. We shall see.

Cleaning my house. Guess whose house is a shit show? Yep! Itā€™s mine! And I donā€™t want to clean it up but I want it to be clean so I guess Iā€™ll just have to suck it up and get it done.

Identity/Life/Marriage

Chasing the ever-elusive perception of “fair”

Posted on by noemikjames / 11 Comments

As you know, I was gone last weekend, for a full 48 hours, which means I’ve been in my husband’s “debt” all week. It’s been a hard week because I feel like I need to be home a lot to make up for all the coverage he provided over the weekend.

He was pretty sulky about my being gone for a day or two, but seemed better mid week after I REALLY stepped up and went above and beyond on Monday and Tuesday. But today I really needed to go to an extra class at the dojo (or I would never have been ready for the test in two weeks) and he was clearly prickly about it. Now he’s downstairs taking some time and I’m eating a late dinner while the kids read in their beds.

Tomorrow there is a TGIF party at work, but I’m not even asking to go because I need to take my son to soccer practice and I don’t feel like I can ask my husband since he’s been covering so much and I can’t ask my son’s friend’s mom because she took him last week when I was leaving for my trip. I would really like to go to the TGIF thing at work, because I’m increasingly isolated there and spending some time with my colleagues would do me good, but it just doesn’t feel like coverage I can ask for at this point.

And yet, I never know if I’m accurately assessing these situations… I used to provide so much coverage for my husband and I don’t think he ever considered what he’d need to do to make it fair. And I feel like none of that matters anymore. Like how now my husband routinely gets up with our son on the weekends because he’s playing video games and will frequently ask for his dad’s help. And my husband brings it up frequently, the fact that I can get to sleep in on weekend mornings. But I feel like that fact that I did LITERALLY ALL the night parenting for a decade and the vast majority of the weekend mornings (when the kids got up WAY EARLIER and required I be on the floor with them building train sets or whatever) is never acknowledged. Shouldn’t I not have to feel guilty about getting one year of weekend sleeping in, when I did it for ten years before this? (And yes, I offer to get up one of the weekend mornings, but he says he’s awake anyway so I should just stay downstairs).

Does anyone else even think like this? I know I am because the pandemic allowed my us to shift our parenting and home-life responsibilities so they are more equal, which has been difficult for my husband because he’s now doing more. It’s been a big adjustment for him, and I very much appreciate his willingness to step up in all the ways that he has. But there is a part of me that resents the fact that he still hasn’t acknowledged everything I used to do. It’s not that I think I should be “paid back” for the unequal burden I shouldered all those years, but when I spend a weekend away and he feels ornery about it, I would love for him to remember that he spent a full week at SXSW every spring for 15 years, nine of them after our daughter was born. If we tallied all the days we’ve each been away, his total would dwarf my own. And yes, I do think, now that I actually have friends to go away with, that the previous disparity should be taken into account.

I don’t know what the right answer is. Or I guess, what the reasonable response is. I wish I weren’t so conditioned to worry about whether or not things are fair, or to be so tuned in to my husband’s direct and indirect responses to real or perceived inequality in our partnership. I know he’s not and he seems to get by just fine.

Life

More thoughts to follow

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Thank you to everyone who commented on yesterday’s post. I was really engaged by the conversation that took place in the comment section.

I want to write more about the topic – and I will! – but I need a couple days. Last night I was wiped (my daughter got some disappointing news – everything will ultimately be fine! – and I hurried home to spend the afternoon with her) and today I have BOTH kids’ conferences, plus martial arts. Blerg.

I really, REALLY need this week to be over.

I also don’t feel great. I think it’s allergies but who knows. I don’t usually have allergies at this time of year… or maybe I do? I know I don’t in the winter but maybe in the fall I do. I haven’t been great about taking my medicine so it really could be allergies. Exhaustion is also at play. But my ears are all stuffy and my throat is toying with the idea of hurting. Right now its just a scratchy tickle that could go either way. I’ve felt like this for days, or I’d be a lot more worried about it. It’s the fact that I’ve just been hanging out in this stuffy ears / scratchy throat space that makes me think it’s allergies.

But I can totally see myself coming down with something on Friday afternoon. My body can hold a virus at bay until I finally have a chance to rest, and then let its guard down so I’m overtaken by it. I would not be surprised if that happens next week. It would suck, but it would also be fine. I’d much rather it happen next week than at Christmas.

We shall see. Just three more days until the break.

Health & Well Being/Identity/Parenting & Family

My “Selective Eater” Status

Posted on by noemikjames / 27 Comments

On my last an earlier post (yes, it took me 1.5 weeks to finish this) Annie asked,

I was wondering, in what way are you a selective eater? In my understanding selective eaters have very limited diets (like 10-15 items). Youā€™ve mentioned burritos a few times (which my picky eater and selective eater would never ever eat) and also going to a restaurant so I never thought you were a selective eater. Or were you describing something else?

Ah Annie, what a can of worms you have asked me to open. At least it feels like a can of worms. A giant, disgusting can of wriggly, jiggly worms.

When I was a kid, my “picky eater” bone fides were unmatched. I was the pickiest of picky eaters. I only ate plain rice. And plain noodles with salt (I LOVED them cold, straight out of the fridge). Also mac n cheese and a very specific kind of chicken (white chicken breast meat). I liked cheese and peanut butter and jelly. I remember my dad used to order me a “burrito” at this one place that was basically just a giant tortilla filled with melted cheese. It was a cheese log. It must have weighed a full pound and contained 2,000 calories. I wonder now how much they charged my dad for it. Surely not enough.

I got endless shit for my picky eating. My extended family will STILL give me a hard time about it, even today. It was absolutely a point of extreme shame, and probably contributed to my decade of disordered eating. I was forced to eat a small selection of vegetables, and I had to finish them when they were on my plate, no matter how many times I gagged trying to get them down. My dad would get SO MAD when I gagged. It was horrible. To this day I don’t want to participate in family dinners, and we largely do not eat together in part because of how much I hate it.

I’m better now, but I’m still selective. I don’t like most fruits. I’ll eat apples and oranges and blueberries but that is about it. There are a fair number of vegetables I will eat, but there are none I ever really WANT to eat (except maybe arugula). Veggies I like include: broccoli, green beans, peas, spinach, carrots, tomatoes, onions, peppers (any color), squash, lettuce, cabbage, zucchini, arugula, leeks, and kale (only very grudgingly). I really do not like mushrooms (I have retried them many times lately and I just can’t get into them), eggplant, bok choi, fennel and probably anything else I didn’t mention in the first list (I probably can’t even think to mention that I don’t like them, because I forget they even exist). I also don’t really like shell fish, but I do like scallops and I LOVE sushi (but can’t really afford it).

When I go out to eat there are usually only a few things I am not interested in trying (because of mushrooms probably), and there are always PLENTY of things I want to eat. I am also fine eating around stuff when possible, but I don’t usually have to do this because like I said, there are always plenty of dishes I am interested in. I have NEVER been to a restaurant that did not have a dish I was excited to try, and I’ve been to a lot of restaurants all over the world.

I “like” all of those veggies in that I will eat them. I even enjoy them in many meals. But I’m not the kind of person who is just really in the mood for a salad and then puts a bunch of veggies in a bowl to eat one. The only kind of salad I would ever order is a Thai peanut salad. And while I’m totally fine with most of the food my husband makes with the CSA box veggies (because he has learned how to make things that I like), there are some things I bristle at (like how kale ends up in EVERYTHING this time of year. Yuck.) So yeah, I’m not picky like the PE teacher at my school who will not eat anything green (she is literally the only person I can think of who is openly pickier than I am). But there are TONS of food I’m not going to eat (please see the three items on my “fruit” list).

My kids are following in my footsteps. And I am not forcing them to eat things they don’t like because they will gag (sometimes until they vomit) and I obviously cannot participate in that (see my traumatic gagging history above). I also feel confident that they will eventually learn to like more things because the world is hard to live in when you are only willing to eat ten items.

The only way we “push” them is that we say they have to have ten things on their “list” but again, a “thing” can be cereal with milk (and right now granola with yogurt is a SEPARATE item for my son so we can approach 10 items). So when they start “not really liking that anymore” and refusing it would bring them under the 10 item limit, they just aren’t allowed to refuse it. Right now my daughter does not want to eat grilled cheese but she has to because she can’t add anything to her list in its place. Ditto for hamburgers for my son (which he only has to eat if we go to In-n-Out which is one of only two restaurants we ever take them to).

So that is where we’re all at in our selective eating journeys. It sucks to be a selective eater. I wish VERY MUCH that my kids were following in their dad’s footsteps instead of my own. But it is what it is and I honestly just can’t lose sleep over it because I worked WAY TOO HARD resolving my disordered eating to spend another decade mired in this shit with my kids. My kids already don’t want to finish the food we put in front of them, and I’ve spent the last ten years saying, “Can you please take another bite?” to them for 2-3 meals a day EVERY DAY. It’s exhausting. Sometimes when my husband and I go out to eat he’ll admonish me for starting at some kid who is just eating their dinner because they are hungry and they are being offered food. If my kids would just do that, I would be so, so happy. (I was a picky eater but I gobbled down the foods I like and asked for seconds. Getting me to just eat was not hard.)

So there it is. I am a great parent in many ways but healthy eating is not one of them. Luckily I’m okay with it, because at least they aren’t experiencing my disordered eating. For that I am forever grateful.

Life

Staying Focused

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

I just finished a long post but I’m going to schedule it for tomorrow. I almost forgot I still need to put one up today!

It was hard to get ready for work last night. And this morning. I really just don’t want to be at school right now. I need a break.

But I also can’t just get by doing the minimum this week because then I’ll be screwed when I come back after Thanksgiving break. I need to stay focused and keep my head up. This is when it really matters.

But whoa boy do I just want to coast to the calendar year finish line right now. I’m just SO DONE. I’ve taken one day off and we’ve had three days off since mid August and I’m just ready for summer. Thanksgiving and then Christmas break will have to do.

Having said all that, I have it REALLY easy compared to a lot of teachers right now. I recognize that. I’ve read so much about how pronounced behavior issues are, and how more fights are breaking out on campuses than ever before. I really only have one class that is hard to manage, and they are my 6th graders so it couldn’t be more low stakes (there is no curriculum I have to teach in that class, I just have to try to engage them with the language). When they say that the achievement gap between students form upper and lower socioeconomic families has never been bigger, they are right. The students at my school, for the most part, are doing fine. At least the ones taking Spanish are…

I know the same cannot be said for most of the students at SFUSD.

So yeah. I have it better than most people and I’m still exhausted and I still have to keep showing up or I will shoot my future self in the foot.

I really hope I feel better after the next two breaks.