Not a Wasted Word

My daughter turns 11 in a week. We celebrated with friends yesterday because one of her crew is out of town for the next two weeks.

We went down to my mom’s friend’s house to swim. It was low key event but they had a ton of fun because they hadn’t swam in a year. The weather was perfect – warm enough to stay in the water but not so hot that you had to stay in the water. We really lucked out on the weather.

I made goody bags. I think I actually kind of love goody bags (I feel like this is an unpopular opinion). I just love putting them together and making them fun. I love finding the perfect treasure to fit the theme. I love watching the kids’ faces when they see what’s inside.

This year I got them lots of self care products. They are all hitting puberty and some of them are struggling with the new requirements of self care, so I got them lots of different kinds of (travel sized) face washes to try, along with a towel head band and face mask and other fun stuff.

I don’t know how many goody bags I’ll be making for my daughter and her friends. I don’t know how many birthdays she’ll be officially celebrating this way. I’m glad my son will still need my goody bag making skills for a while longer.

I’ve been very cognizant lately of how much I enjoy being the parent of older kids, and also how wistful I am for the days when they were younger. I think a part of me realizes how incredibly short this sweet spot is, and how much I’ll miss it when it’s gone. I guess much of life is living with the understanding that everything changes, of accepting it even as you fail to really recognize it.

In the meantime, I’ll take special care when I’m preparing the goody bags.

One thing I want to continue long after the need to social distance has ended is hosting outside. Having guests is stressful for me because my house is never guest-ready. Never. Usually my house requires multiple hours of pick up before I can even get to the cleaning phase. I do NOT invite people over much because the effort required to make my house presentable is not (to me) worth the fun of having someone over.

But when we host outside, that isn’t an issue! I really like hosting outside. We have a lot of space in our backyard (even if it’s not particularly nice space), and I love keeping the chaos of guests outside, away from the house. It is a pain to take things back and forth but that is really the only negative. (Our back stairs are not safe (they need to be torn down) so I have to walk to the front of the house, through the garage and back down the hall to get outside, but it’s the same walk I take to our bedroom in the old tenant’s unit so I’m used to it).

When kids are allowed inside again, I will definitely try to keep a large portion of “play dates” outside. Yes it’s always windy, and frequently foggy, but the weather almost always allows for being outside here. So I want to keep hosting there.

That is one of the reasons we got a new outside table. Our picnic table was in ROUGH shape. It had been out there since we bought the place, and it was falling apart. When I finally went to take it apart (we couldn’t get it through the hall to the front of the house without dismantling it) I was able to just pull it apart with my hands. That is how rotted the wood was. It was a big table, and we got a lot of good use out of it (especially this past year!) but it was time for it to go.

We got a new table from IKEA. We buy almost all our furniture from IKEA and I wasn’t looking to do that again, but this table is simple, fits our needs, and got good reviews on Wire Cutter so we went for it. We just put it together today. It seats four with benches and another four when the leaves are up. We got folding chairs for the extra seating.

We put all of it together today. We stripped two screws on the first chair we tried to build but otherwise it all came together nicely. (I got approximations of the screws from a hardware store because I REALLY don’t want to drive back to IKEA! We’ll see if they do the job.) It’s exciting to have it (almost) all ready!

Next weekend, when the grandparents come over for our daughter’s family birthday, all of us can sit at the table! This is a big deal. We don’t have any table in our house that fits eight – we only host for our kids birthdays when both sets of grandparents come at the same time – so having one for outside it awesome. And when we bring down the leaves it has a much smaller footprint than the previous picnic table.

We even got a cover for it so it will (hopefully) last a lot longer.

We have a big (obscenely big for San Francisco IMHO) backyard and it’s so nice to use that space for hosting. Our house is not that big and it’s never clean, so using our outside space makes a ton of sense.

Yay for our new table!

They figured out who in my class shared the zoom links with the racist asshats who came in and said the horrible, ugly, hateful things. The kid got a three day suspension.

I’m pleasantly surprised. I want to learn more about how they figured out who it was. It was not the student I suspected, the student that the circumstantial evidence suggested. In fact it was the student that my colleague suspected (there were other incidents in another set of classes and the number of students in both my class and the others was relatively small), but no evidence from the incident in my class to support that it was this kid. I want to know if the quick log in from the former student helped them figure it out, or if it was something else in entirely. I want to know who they sent the link to that came in and said all the hateful, racist things. I want to know a lot, but I have to wait until I’m on campus to find out and I’m not sure when that will be.

In the end they not only had zoom’s security team working on it, but they also called in the police. I’m wondering if there were more incidents after mine (which was after the incidents in the other classes). It seems like they were resigned to the fact that they couldn’t figure it out, and then all of the sudden they knew who it was. I’m so isolated as an elective teacher at home. I’m always the last to know.

The day before they figured it out my principal and the school’s counselor came into that class’s zoom and did a restorative Jamboard session where kids could share how the incident made them feel. I appreciated the time we spent on it, but it was clear we all wanted some justice. It’s nice to know the person who subjected us to all that will be facing consequences.

Yesterday was significant for other reasons. We attended our daughter’s 5th grade promotion over zoom. Today is her last day of in person learning. It is the last time I will drop them off at their school, a school I spent copious amounts of time at for PTA and other events. It’s a good school. I know I’ve had a complicated relationship with it, but it served our children well. There are a lot of really good people at that school, and I will be sad to say goodbye. I have gift cards for many of them and I’m afraid I’ll cry when I deliver them tomorrow. Especially to the two secretaries, who were nothing but helpful, supportive and kind to me as both a parent and a PTA board member. (I’m crying as I write this and re-read it.)

I don’t think anyone knows we won’t be back next year. They probably assume my daughter is going elsewhere for middle school (it’s a K-8 school but the middle school is notoriously low performing and a large portion of the 5th grade class leaves for other 6-8 middle schools), but they probably think my son will be there next year in 2nd grade. I don’t even know if his current teacher knows he’s going to another school. I just haven’t had the heart to tell anyone yet.

I have a lot of big feelings about it. They are complex and complicated and I don’t know if I’ll ever sort them out. I probably won’t, and that’s okay. Feelings don’t have to be teased apart, not always. But it’s still hard. I’ve been a very active and involved parent at that school for six years. I know the people. I know the community. Next year I’ll be at two schools I know nothing about, where I’m a stranger to everyone. It’s going to be an adjustment, one I think I’m ready to make. I hope I’m ready.

My kids still have zoom school on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week, but tomorrow feels like their last day. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye.

I think the wave has finally crested with work, and things will get easier moving forward. I sent out the final newsletters, and graded the final projects. Tomorrow my students take a test and it’s the last big grade going into the grade book. Next week we continue reading a graphic novel on a site where all the activities are already made and the students can’t pass to the next chapter without getting a certain percentage of the activities correct. There is no prep and it’s very easy to “score.” We’ll be doing that all next week and it will be glorious. At this point I can just ride the wake of the wave to the last day of school.

I feel like I should have more to say about all of it. About ending this year that for me was almost entirely spent in distance learning. I feel like I should have something profound to say. But I don’t right now. All I can say is that I’m bone tired, tired in my body and my soul in ways I don’t remember ever being. I am so excited to return to my classroom next year, it makes me giddy just thinking about it. But before that happens I need to take a long rest. I hope the summer provides that. I think it will.

I knew this was going to be a week, but wow is it a week.

I was up until 1:30am on Monday and 2am on Tuesday. Wednesday was relentless. The plan is to go to bed “early” tonight (11pm) and hopefully feel better in the morning.

The rest of the week is better. It’s not good, but better. I just want to get to June 11th, but I think even June 1st will be a big improvement.

I keep telling myself it would be worse if things were “normal”. There would be SO MUCH more to do, so many more events to show up to. This is the easier scenario in a lot of ways, except for the grueling days of no childcare. My kids are done next Wednesday. The last 10 days of school are going to be rough.

But we’ll get there. Eventually. I’m counting down.

And since I can’t write anymore, here are some picture of Bilbo.

This weekend wasn’t amazing like last weekend, but I got a lot of stuff done. We both did actually. It was a good weekend for getting ‘er done.

A couple months ago my husband created a list of tasks we want to complete. I participated in the creating of the list, but he’s the one who wrote it. And he’s the one who keeps coming back to it, prompting us to cross one more thing off the list.

This week’s thing was a bulky item pick up. We get two a year and we’ve had some items on a potential list for a while. So last weekend my husband finally went to the site and submitted the list and scheduled the pick up for the following Monday. That Monday is today.

I took the picnic table apart earlier in the week, but we got most of the rest of it ready this weekend. And last night we piled it all of it in front of our house for pick up.

I am not sad to see any of it go.

Other things I did this weekend… I put the weed whacker together and whacked some weeds.

I also went for a run on Saturday, and picked up some crickets for the dragon on Sunday. I stayed up way too late doing work Sunday night (and then stayed up even later writing this post). I think I have one more week of hard work and then the rest of the school year won’t be so bad. I just gotta get through the next week… I hope June isn’t as hectic as it usually is.

Next weekend we’re doing a little something for our daughter’s birthday with her closest friends (the ones we’ve been “podding” with during the pandemic). I started planning for that, and for her family birthday (in our backyard) the next weekend (see backyard before and after photos above). I need to run some errands before I’m really ready for either but it’s nice to have things planned.

And that was pretty much my weekend. Nothing super fun, but we crossed some unpleasant tasks off our to do list.

How was your weekend? Have you been getting things done?

Well my week started well, but it went down hill from there.

On Wednesday I had a really horrible zoom bomber incident where a student (or students?) from my class shared our zoom link, and the exact log-in names of several students so that people not in my class could log in under the names of students already in the class and wreak havoc.

It started with random sounds, so I set it so no one could unmute themselves. Then they went to the chat to say some horrible racist hateful things (whatever you are imaging, it is worse). I thought my chat was set to “host only” so it took me five seconds to realize all the kids could see what was bring written there. When I think about my students reading that shit it just shatters me.

When I closed down the whole meeting and sent them a private link to rejoin, the zoom bombers were back. Clearly someone in my class at that moment was participating.

At one point someone joined the second meeting on the private link with a name I recognized – a former student whose brother still goes to the school. So either the former students or his brother (using former student’s device) was involved. I’ve asked admin to follow up with the parents but nobody seems to really give a shit. This happened on Wednesday and I don’t think the parents have even been called yet.

I am so fucking tired of this shit. I’m so tired of teaching to an array of black boxes. I’m so tired of not knowing who is harassing me and my students because they can do so anonymously (students should have to log in wit their school accounts but there were so many problems with that at the beginning of the year that we just gave up on that requirement, which is why now anyone can log onto any of our meetings at anytime. It’s ridiculous). I just want this school year to be over and things to go back to normal in the fall.

I’m still processing what happened and how unsupported I feel in the aftermath. On Wednesday I took a sleep aid and went to bed at 9:30pm. I was an emotional wreck so there was no point in trying to be productive. On Thursday I felt a little better but I was stressed the whole time I met with that class again (even though I had the whole meeting shut down – no one could unmute or chat or rename or anything). I was already counting the days until the end of the year, but now I’m counting the minutes on zoom.

I’ve been teaching for 17 years and now the worst two experiences of my career have happened in the past 6 months. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. I just want to fast forward to June 11th. It cannot get here fast enough.

On Monday I got a massage. A 90 minutes massage. It was heaven. A full hour and a half to think about nothing but my own body, to revel in each blissful moment of being cared for.

Yesterday I got adjusted. I had to find a new chiropractor because mine retired. The master at my dojo recommended someone and I went today. I really liked her. She does some deep tissues work, and electrical nerve simulation before she does the adjustment, which I think helped. My neck, which was a mess, feels much better. I’m excited to run to see if my knee and ankle feel better (I’m very confident they will as my hips felt amazing after she adjusted them). It’s a relief to have a new provider, especially one that is so close to home (my previous chiropractor was near my work). It feels amazing to be in my body right now.

I ran on Monday and I went to martial arts on Tuesday. I’m trying to make space for the things that make me happy. I’m trying to make space for self care. It’s hard, especially at the end of the school year.

I’m still not getting enough sleep. That is the next thing I need to work on.

How are you taking care of yourself these days?

We had a good weekend. It’s important to remember them when they happen. Especially these days.

FRIDAY

Friday my kids got home from school and had two hours before the normal 4pm video game start time. My daughter straightened her room, cleaned the bathroom and emptied the dishwasher to start early. My son cleaned up his room and vacuumed it, then read an extra book to start early. It felt like we were getting ahead of the curve!

That evening my daughter went to her friend’s house to watch a movie in the backyard and I had my son’s friend and his sister over for a movie in our garage (with the door open). It rarely works out for my son’s friend (and his younger sister, who I have over to entice the parents) to come over anymore because they are so busy with family and other things, so it was awesome he got a “friend movie night” too” I ordered pizza and poured Fanta. They had a great time.

SATURDAY

Saturday my kids and I met my parents at our local amusement park, where we have had season passes for several years. It was their opening day and only season pass holders of 3+ years were allowed to make reservations. I think they wanted only the steadfastly loyal there for their dry run.

It was awesome. No one was there and we went on a million rides, never having to wait. Right when we got there my favorite roller coaster opened as we were talking to the woman at the start of the line about when we could ride. We ran up and were the only two people on the first train. We got to sit at the front, which usually has an even longer line than the rest of the train (your feet dangle and there is nothing in front of you except for the massive drops and dips when you sit in the front). I haven’t ridden that roller coaster in probably 10 years because the line is always so long. It was so fun to ride it twice in a row.

The kid area ended up being almost as crowded as it normally is (which is usually less crowded than the rest of the park), so we went on a lot of the adult rides that usually have longer lines than we want to stand in. We stayed for five hours and then felt like it was time to go. I was actually quite nauseous by the end – it turns out I can’t actually ride roller coasters all day and be okay. But it was super fun to be back at the park, and we felt really safe the whole time being outside with no crowds.

SUNDAY

Sunday my daughter went to soccer and my son hung out at home. I got the cat’s boxes cleaned (the big clean that takes longer) and steam cleaned the kitchen floors. I also steam cleaned the hall from the garage to the entrance to our unit (that is now our “master suite”) which we had to clear out for the fence to be fixed (so they could bring the materials through the hall to the backyard). I did a bunch of the laundry that is easy to put off (towels and blankets mostly), and put up the stuffie hammock I got for my daughter who sleeps on a thin sliver of her twin mattress because stuffed animals take up most of it. It was definitely a day to get things done.

I also played some games with my son, and we read a book together.

At 5pm my parents picked my kids up for a sleep over. Since I take them down there on Monday morning we figured they could just spend Sunday night there and sleep in instead of piling into the car with me at 8am.

My husband and I got Chinese food and watched all four of the final episodes of Watchmen, which I just loved. It was so fun to binge watch something I am really into. We haven’t done that in a long time.

You might have noticed I didn’t mention work at all. Besides grading some papers in the garage during my son’s movie night, I didn’t do any work. This came back to bite me in the ass Monday, but I got through the day. I had a ton of work to do Monday night but it was worth it.

Only three more weekends before summer! I’m so ready for the school year to be over.

How was your weekend?

I’m curious what people think of the CDC’s new recommendation that fully vaccinated individuals can stop wearing masks even in many inside, public places. I have to admit it surprised me, and I’m glad California doesn’t seem interested in adopting the advice as policy until at least June 15 when we officially “fully reopen.” It’s not that I don’t think fully vaccinated people can or should be allowed in public without a mask, it’s more that I’m not ready to go there myself yet.

I’m all for the new guidance that people can be outside without masks. The science has shown that it safe for so long but the policy has lagged significantly behind those findings. When policy doesn’t reflect science people start to lose faith in the system. Information about outdoor transmission is still misleading on the CDC’s site (saying that less than 10% of transmission occurs outside is blatantly misleading when most scientists believe the number is less that 1%). We need to be embracing the safety that outdoors affords. If we truly did that, even kids could find some new freedom outside with friends.

I’ve started walking, running and biking outside without my mask. It clearly makes people uncomfortable, especially when I pass them running, but I’m holding strong. I’m fully vaccinated and I’m outside passing them for a couple seconds at most (and never that close). We need to start moving on with our lives in ways that are safe.

But the idea that I can go grocery shopping without my mask? I don’t even know if I’m there yet. It’s not that I don’t think the science supports the fact that I can (especially in an area with vaccination rates as high as ours and community spread as low as ours) I just don’t know if I can get out of my own head enough to do it. I also have kids who have to wear masks and when I’m with them I’ll probably be wearing mine like they have to wear theirs. It only seems fair.

I know there is all sorts of worry about people who are not vaccinated going places without masks. I understand the concern, especially in places where large swaths of the adult population don’t plan to get vaccinated, but I guess I assume they will do what they want anyway. They clearly don’t care about public health guidelines and they will never be vaccinated… if we wait for them it will be a long time before we can make public health policy that reflects what vaccinated individuals can safely do. I guess community spread in those less vaccinated areas will always be higher, and I’m glad I don’t live in one of them. A lot of those places already did away with mask mandates anyway…

I don’t know. I think it was the right move, because the science backs people making these decisions for themselves at this point. But I’m glad my state isn’t putting that decision in my hands just yet. I don’t think I’m ready to be the only person in the supermarket without her mask.

I’ve been struggling to show up here lately. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say… it’s more than I have too much to say. Or there is too much catching up I feel like I have to do to say it.

I tell myself I should open a tab and start writing. See what comes out. But it’s hard.

It’s Wednesday. With my new schedule I’m exhausted by Wednesday. Every Wednesday night I think, how is it only Wednesday?

Monday I take the kids to my parents house. Or better said, they switch cars at strip mall near my work and one of my parents takes them the rest of the way there.

I go to my classroom and teach my classes (via zoom) and get some work done. Lately I’ve been able to catch up on work I would normally get done on the weekend on Monday. It’s nice to start the week with childcare.

I try to run before I pick the kids up around 4:30. It’s nice to run down on the peninsula.

On Tuesday we have to take turns managing the kids in between classes and meetings. I try to go to martial arts on Tuesday night from 7:00 to 8:15. I’m not usually home until 8:45 or 9pm. Tuesday is a long day.

On Wednesday I teach for a long stretch. Some Wednesdays I have my son’s friend and his sister in my backyard or at the park. Some Wednesdays my son goes with his friend. My daughter plays soccer with her friends on Wednesday and I have to keep my son occupied in her absence. By Wednesday I am tired.

But then the kids go to school on Thursday. I’m teaching variations of things I’ve already taught the other class on Monday and Tuesday so I don’t have much prep to get done. Being prepared for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday is a lot more work than being prepared for Thursday and Friday.

When I think about it, I prefer front loading my weeks like this. I like that right when I think I can’t keep up it gets easier.

My kids only have two more weeks of school. I have four, but I’m only really teaching for three of them. The fourth week I’ll be on campus quite a bit for special events. And then it will be summer.

I’m ready for summer. I’m ready to move on from this school year and I look forward to returning in the fall in a way that feels a lot more familiar. While I don’t miss my commute, I’m so tired of teaching on zoom. I really hope I get to be back in my classroom (our district has promised parents that we will return full time in the fall so I’m assuming I will be).

I’m also tired of being thoroughly disappointed by my kids’ school district. I just want them to finish out the year, so we can focus on starting fresh at new schools in the fall. I’m making myself assume they will be back in their classrooms because the alternative makes me crazy.

Here’s to Wednesday. Thursday and Friday always feel like a relief.