We’re six weeks into the diet. It continues to be a challenge, but for different reasons than when we started. It’s hard to stay motivated. One day I’m sure it’s making a huge difference. Other days I’m sure it’s not. Most days I’m not sure of anything.
It’s hard to commit to something when you don’t know for sure that what kind of impact it’s having. It’s even harder when it affects someone who can’t really understand what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. It’s harder still when your partner is not 100% on board. And when it costs more money and require more time and becomes this massive psychological stressor, hanging over every day with noxious clouds of doubt, anxiety and apathy.
It’s hard to commit to something that makes you different and isolates you and your child, something that nobody you know has ever heard of, let alone does themselves. It’s hard to stay motivated when the gains are so nebulous, when you’re constantly wondering what can be attributed to your efforts and what can’t.
Things with my daughter may be better than they ever have been, but I spend as much, if not more, time thinking about her behavior than I did before. It’s so hard to turn my mind off these days. I long for the times when my daughter’s meltdowns were just that, meltdowns, and not possible reactions to something I have to identify and remove from her diet.
What it comes down to is I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, and I HATE not knowing what the fuck I’m doing. I hate feeling uncertain. I hate not being sure.
So I keep trudging along, because the only thing that scares me more than doing this forever is to stop doing this, at least for now.
We’re six weeks into this diet, but we’re also six weeks into so many other transitions. They are all so wrapped up in each other, I sometimes wonder if I don’t attribute some of the stress I feel about the diet to stress that really belongs to this crazy transition to Kindergarten. Everything is so new this year, for all of us. I’m trying to remember to be patient, with myself. With my daughter. With my husband. With life.
Things will get better. They always do. I’ll learn to live with the uncertainty. I’ll learn to navigate within the nebulous clouds of doubt. This will become my new normal and some day it won’t be so hard. Until then I can manage. Until then I can make it work.
After all, we’re only six weeks in.